AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

You asked in your daughter’s first violin lesson how long it takes to reach each music grade? I’d have run for the hills too.

On the off-chance that this isn't a reverse, did you ask all these questions in front of your child, OP?

We have a maths tutor for DS. He is older though, at senior school. I asked his maths teacher at school to recommend someone, she passed on the number of a friend who had recently retired as a maths teacher. All good. I did not then quiz the tutor when she turned up about her degree classification and her teaching experience. because that would be unhinged.

She knows you are going to be "that parent"

No doubt you expect a Vanessa-Mae by the 2nd lesson.

No wonder she got rid of you.

I feel for your poor daughter who's now not getting violin lessons from what sounds like a really experienced teacher.

Did this take place whilst she was being paid for teaching your dd?

Did you ask to see her certificates?

times to get to grades

An extremely loose rule of thumb is a grade a year. However it's mostly dependent on the amount of practise a student does outside of lessons.

Also this "research them yourselves" is so annoying. What is wrong with having a quick direct conversation with another adult?! Especially one you are looking to employ, potentially for years.

I think you've had a lucky escape. If you had any issues with her teaching or your child's progress it sounds like she wouldn't be easy to raise things with in future.

WTF is that supposed to mean?!

Perhaps she found the question of grades off putting? I’m not sure that qualifications and exams should be thought of before you know she likes it?

Yes which is why all that info is on her website.

Oh and it's an enhanced DBS check not a "DRB check". Which if she is working in a school - and you KNOW she is working in a school - you know she will have.

She clearly has you pegged as one of "those parents" and has decided that actually she'd rather not. Which she has every right to do.

You are a difficult parent. Quite simply she would rather not deal with you.
Learn from this and think about how you are treating people!

That's what the information on the website is for; did you not do your research beforehand?

Clearly you came across as high-handed and she doesn't fancy dealing with you. That's one of the major perks of self-employment as a teacher - not having to put up with parents who rub you up the wrong way. Try someone else and this time don't grill them.

DD has been learning the violin for 6 years and we very recently moved to a new teacher (her original teacher relocated). I made sure to read her website first and I was aware that dd needed to be a good fit her.

Generally, music teachers are a unique breed, so take that with you going forward.

Did you know about the website beforehand or were you just given her contact details?

Either way, she overreacted imo. She could have just smiled and said, 'all of this info is on my website. Would you like the link?'

Obviously not to the level you did.

You must have seemed more trouble than worth the money

You clearly came across as a parent who is going to be hard work. No one likes dealing with those parents.

She’s self employed and decided you’d be more hassle than she wanted. All credit to her… there should be some upsides to self employment and one of them is choosing with whom you work.

As she pointed out - she works in schools and teaches other children, as you were well aware. So OF COURSE she has enough qualifications and experience to teach your small child who has never picked up a violin before to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

You've already said that you intend to sit in on your child's lessons, so why are you badgering her about DRB (which of course she will have, because she works in schools) and insurance? And it's incredibly lazy that you couldn't just check her website where you could have found all that out in a matter of seconds.

times to get grades

Fucking hell, your child hadn't so much as scraped a bow across the strings until that lesson, and is also SEVEN YEARS OLD. Interrogating someone about grades and so on is incredibly precious and pushy at this stage.

But I don’t see what’s wrong with my approach

It doesn't matter if you see what's wrong with your approach or not, because she's already told you she won't work with you. However right you believe yourself to be, she still doesn't have to take on your kid's fiddle lessons if she thinks you're an annoying tit.

Sounds like she has enough business and doesn't need a difficult parent.

It wouldn't occur to me to ask half of those questions in a first lesson, I'd be more concerned about DD enjoying it.

Oh bloody hell 🙄

Yeah, she made the right move...

I imagine you came across as impertinent and she had so much experience under her belt, she felt that was disrespectful and has taken offence.

Why ask about qualifications? Do you know anything about the kind of qualifications a music teacher might have? I wouldn’t have a clue.

DP binned the parent who turned up to the first lesson asking how long it would be before their kid completed the Berkeley Level 3.

The kid was five and was engaged with trying to work out how to hold the Martin dreadnought he was supposed to play on. Hardly surprisingly, as it was bigger than he was.

He didn't need to be quizzed about his DBS, his degree or how good a player he was to know that this was not going to work. So he politely declined the arrangement.

I think that teacher's dodged a bullet there 😂

If all the information you asked her was important to you, why didn’t you ask when you booked the lesson?

I’m with the others, it entirely depends how you asked them and she’s perfectly with her rights to only work with families she’s comfortable with.