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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

798 replies

DesperateSusans · 29/02/2024 17:28

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

OP posts:
Geebray · 29/02/2024 17:39

DesperateSusans · 29/02/2024 17:38

But I don’t see what’s wrong with my approach. I think it’s relevant to ask about someone’s qualifications, experience, enhanced DRB check, insurance and times to get to grades. What’s wrong with that?

Ah, we're getting a bit more info here...

I'm with the violin teacher. You sound like very hard work!

Wholettherabbitsout · 29/02/2024 17:39

Music teacher is not a protected title. Anyone can teach music. You don’t need to be confortable teaching grade 8 level to be great at teaching beginners the basics. If she’s a teacher who specializes in say, beginners to grade 5 level and you gave the impression you need a teacher who could take a student through all the teaching exams (maybe equivalent to university level in terms of years of study to get there), then I can see why she’d drop you. It could be a bit like asking a reception teacher if they have experience lecturing maths.

Moveoverdarlin · 29/02/2024 17:39

This is the beauty of being self employed. You just don’t have to work with people you don’t want to. She obviously thought you were going to be hard work. I kind of admire her for that. I’d love to have that freedom in my work. She obviously can pick and choose clients and doesn’t need the money. People need to realise that. It works both ways. I’ve sat in interviews where the interviewer assumes you are desperate for the role. But I’m interviewing them as much as they are me.

Itscatsallthewaydown · 29/02/2024 17:40

DesperateSusans · 29/02/2024 17:38

But I don’t see what’s wrong with my approach. I think it’s relevant to ask about someone’s qualifications, experience, enhanced DRB check, insurance and times to get to grades. What’s wrong with that?

Oh my good gawd

TMess · 29/02/2024 17:40

I taught music lessons for many years and I sincerely wish I’d had the backbone to do as she did a few times. Whether you are or not, you presented as a diva parent.

mambojambodothetango · 29/02/2024 17:40

I would have done my research before going to the first lesson. Not on to ask her qualifications. She's obviously a professional musician, the vast majority of whom teach as well as any performing. It's just not appropriate to question her qualifications. I don't blame her at all.

Original poster
DesperateSusans · 29/02/2024 17:40

Lurkingandlearning · 29/02/2024 17:38

Isn’t it a good to interview people you’re going to leave your child with? Isn’t that to be expected? The tutor obviously thought parents should have that information or she wouldn’t put it on her website.

She sounds a bit arsey to me, as if she feels she shouldn’t have to explain herself to you or that you should have done your homework (read the website) before meeting her. Perhaps you should but it’s unkind to your daughter to make her go elsewhere because she didn’t like the conversation.

Oh I wasn’t planning on leaving my child with her, she had said it was perfectly fine for me to sit in on lessons- in fact she encouraged it so I could help with her homework

but yes, although she was very pleasant she clearly had an issue with questions

OP posts:
ohtowinthelottery · 29/02/2024 17:40

Your child is a 7 year old beginner. You got a recommendation from school. I can't think of any reason why you would have interrogated her in that way. Pretty sure school would have warned you if she wasn't qualified or DBS checked.

When my DS took up an instrument, we got a recommendation from a music school and signed up with the individual teacher. Never occurred to me to grill him.

Hercisback · 29/02/2024 17:41

Reverse.

Geebray · 29/02/2024 17:41

"Times to get to grades" will have been a huge red flag. As I said, she can tell the types who will be demanding to know why little Jemima didn't get a Distinction in their Grade I exam...

Rosestulips · 29/02/2024 17:41

It’s probably good that she’s broke ties now before you give her too much money and explained why she wasn’t happy.

LunaTheCat · 29/02/2024 17:41

Good on the violin teacher !

Original poster
DesperateSusans · 29/02/2024 17:42

I’ll look for a different teacher anyway, I’m sure there’s loads around.

OP posts:
betterangels · 29/02/2024 17:42

I’m interviewing them as much as they are me.

Exactly. She didn't want the job.

Geebray · 29/02/2024 17:43

DesperateSusans · 29/02/2024 17:42

I’ll look for a different teacher anyway, I’m sure there’s loads around.

She's probably put the word out...

PinkEasterbunny · 29/02/2024 17:44

CormorantStrikesBack · 29/02/2024 17:36

To be honest it wouldn’t cross my mind to ask any sort of questions of an instrument teacher for a 7yo beginner. 🤷‍♀️. She obviously thought you were going to be a bit of a pain.

This!

Misthios · 29/02/2024 17:44

Itscatsallthewaydown · 29/02/2024 17:29

She obviously thought that you were a bit nuts. That’s her prerogative I suppose.

Yup, and as a self-employed person she can use whatever (non-discriminatory) reasons she wishes to select her clients.

Somaliwildass · 29/02/2024 17:44

I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked

It really does sound like it'd be easier for her not to deal with you.

ichundich · 29/02/2024 17:44

DesperateSusans · 29/02/2024 17:40

Oh I wasn’t planning on leaving my child with her, she had said it was perfectly fine for me to sit in on lessons- in fact she encouraged it so I could help with her homework

but yes, although she was very pleasant she clearly had an issue with questions

Show quote history

So you want a DBS even though you're planning to sit in during lessons? You're THAT parent, I'm afraid. The most important skill of a music teacher for complete beginners is their skill to inspire a love for music and the instrument, not their formal qualifications.

Mothership4two · 29/02/2024 17:44

It sounds like you ate into the lesson time with your questions. You could have asked about things when you made the booking and she would have been able to point you to her website. But with 30 years of experience she probably had an inkling you weren't going to be a good fit.

KreedKafer · 29/02/2024 17:45

DesperateSusans · 29/02/2024 17:31

Ok, I understand , but still, surely it’s perfectly normal to find out about someone who is working with your child??

Yes, but I suspect the way you went about it came across as overbearing/rude/aggressive. And as she said - all her qualifications etc were on on her website, but you didn't bother to look and grilled her instead. You were booking a trial lesson with this music teacher for a seven-year-old who has never played the violin before, not engaging her as a full-time employed coach for a child prodigy, so asking loads of questions about qualifications and teaching methods seems a bit much to me when you had no idea at that stage whether your child was even going to enjoy the violin, let alone turn out to be any good at it.

In your position, I'd have accepted that the teacher came recommended by the school and has obviously taught plenty of kids, and might have taken a quick look at her website more out of curiosity than anything else. I wouldn't have questioned her about her qualifications, experience and teaching methods because clearly she has enough success in all three areas to come recommended.

PussInBin20 · 29/02/2024 17:45

DesperateSusans · 29/02/2024 17:38

But I don’t see what’s wrong with my approach. I think it’s relevant to ask about someone’s qualifications, experience, enhanced DRB check, insurance and times to get to grades. What’s wrong with that?

Nothing. I’m with you OP!

MySerenity · 29/02/2024 17:45

DesperateSusans · 29/02/2024 17:38

But I don’t see what’s wrong with my approach. I think it’s relevant to ask about someone’s qualifications, experience, enhanced DRB check, insurance and times to get to grades. What’s wrong with that?

I think she sounds like hard work! I would ask similar questions. It's not like Brownies or a swim school etc where you know they're employed and vetted by the management. A private music teacher is someone you're paying directly and entrusting with your child 1 on 1.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 29/02/2024 17:45

I would have done the same & asked you to find someone else.

Surely you research someone before you seek a service and then ask anything you don't know rather than interview them.

She comes recommended so is probably in demand and prefers to pick the hassle free cases.

OhBuggerandArse · 29/02/2024 17:46

You blew it. Better luck next time.

(FWIW, a good relationship between parent and instrumental teacher can be a wonderful thing. My mum became great friends with my teacher, and I treasure my relationships with my kids' teachers. The bond between us plays a huge part in how positive their work with the kids is. But from first meeting I treated them like professionals and humans, not like service providers, and was grateful for their creativity and skill in their work with my kids. In return they appreciate my input and support. There's no way it would work for anyone if either party thought the other was a pain in the arse.)