AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

Doesn't sound like it was a "quick conversation"...

The teacher sounds unnecessarily defensive. If you were only given her phone number how were you supposed to know all this was on her website? I don't think there's anything wrong with a parent asking questions of an adult that will be working with their child.

I guess if you want the lessons to continue all you can do is apologise profusely explain you weren't aware of the website and say your daughter loved the lesson and is there was any chance you could start things again.

Just asking about grades would make many teachers’ hearts sink. This was your child’s very first lesson.

Yes, this. She's decided you're going to be a parent who's more trouble than the work is worth.

That could be because she's lazy or not confident in her ability to teach your child to your required standards or doesn't want to be held to account or could just be that she has so much work she can pick and choose.

Either way, she's entitled to choose the business she wants or doesn't want.

Your questions were well over the top for a beginner. If she teaches in a school, she must have a DBS. All your other questions are strange.

I have 5 instrumental students, 4 of which are at my school where I am a classroom teacher. All are different and I adapt my teaching style to suit their learning needs. Some want to take exams, others don't. It takes different amounts of time to get to grades depending on many factors. One thing I insist on is parents butting out of instrument-specific stuff and letting me get on with it. If they can't do that, I'm out. One student's parents are both professional musicians. They are fantastic because they support their DC but trust me to do my best with their DC. They don't care that I have no instrument-specific qualifications. In fact, the dad has none either but has gigged all over the world. I do have a degree but it was academic rather than practical. So I'd fail the OP's criteria!

Not for long if you treat them like that!

She's not a state teacher who has to teach whoever she is given. She is a private teacher who can pick and choose her customers. And she chooses not to teach your daughter because she thinks you'll be a difficult parent.

A wise PP said learn from it and think about your approach and I'd be inclined to agree with that.

I think this is a key question tbh. It sets a tone which is not helpful for the teacher

Asking how long it takes to get grades would be a red flag that the tutor will be getting blamed by the parent if it doesn’t happen in their expected timescale. Like a pp mentioned the main affect on this is how much the child practices.

You might want to reflect on this before you approach any more violin tutors.

You think there are loads of violin teachers taking on new students in your town?

There's a shortage of teachers generally and I'll hazard a guess there is even more of a shortage of teachers who specialize in particular subjects.

I agree that this must be a reverse. If it isn't - sitting in on lessons and giving the teacher the third degree is very much not the done thing - she could tell you were going to be a complete pain in the arse.

Agree.

She is self employed.
It is up to her if she thinks the relationship is going to work, as much as it is you.
The impression I'm getting of you from this thread, I would probably not want to teach your child either.

Out of interest - how long was the lesson and how long was the conversation about her qualifications?

Was the conversation within the timeframe you were paying her for or outside it?

And speaking as someone involved in private teaching, "times to get grades" very much depends on the child, and the willingness to take instrumental tuition seriously, and commit to regular practice.

It is possible that this was a red flag for her - in my experience, some parents expect results simply by paying for lessons, without taking on board the committment necessary, and this is outside the control of the teacher. Violin can take a long time to reach grade 1, and perhaps she was concerned that you would be pressurising for your child to take exams when they were not ready.

If she got the impression that you would be measuring the value of the lessons in terms of how quickly grades were passed, she might decide that you wouldn't be amenable to honest conversations about how your child is doing.

It is tricky because these seem like sensible questions, but every parent I’ve had who asks things like this also expects to get out of the T&C they agree to before I offer the first lesson. Maybe that’s not how you are, but she probably thinks you’re going to be way too much hassle.

Sounds like you came across as "that parent" and she didn't want the hassle.

She teaches in the local schools and was recommended by a school. If she's good enough for that then she's more than qualified for your beginner daughter.

She clearly isn't desperate for work so it sounds to me as she saw you as a potential pain in the neck (I'm not accusing you of that - just how you might have come across).

This is why I love being self-employed. I can turn down red-flag clients.

She didn't feel like she'd be the best person to teach your DD deal with you. And that's fine, another teacher might not mind you grilling them.

I have to say that if a teacher had been recommended to me, I’d have been fairly relaxed in terms of lessons for a beginner 7 year old. Let’s be honest, you don’t need a conservatoire educated teacher at that stage. Main thing would have been did the 7 year old have fun and would they feel incentivised to practice and go to lessons.

Plenty of time for something more serious at a later stage

if she's someone the school has recommended then not sure why you need to ask all that for a 7 year old

Something tells me if the teacher were male you'd have done your research by actually reading his website and not grilling him like you did her.

Sounds like you needed her a lot more than she needed you. 🤷‍♀️

Find someone else. Maybe think about how you're coming across next time. Looks like you blew it with this lady.

Have you by any chance moved from London / Surrey / Kent where being "THAT" parent is the norm to a new area, perhaps more rural?

I've found the level of involvement parents have in their children's education and the willingness of teachers for parents to push and challenge is much less outside of London and surrounding. What goes in London doesn't wash in the Wirral.

I don't think qualifications etc. are necessary if they've been recommended and are well known in the area. DBS likewise if you are sitting there. The Grades are, OMG SUCH A RED FLAG. I'd have dumped you too.

My DD plays 4 instruments.
One teacher I have no idea of qualifications. However, he's absolutely brilliant and has inspired a lovely of music. He helps her compose, they talk about far more than just playing. She's 9 and Grade 3 in that instrument.

Second instrument she has a university student who is I reckon, about 23 or 24. He's European, talks to her about the world in general and plays so beautifully. She's only a beginner and I couldn't give a crap what his qualifications are because she loves her lessons.

Third at school. Never met the guy. He runs two clubs at lunchtime plus one after school.

Etc etc.

The point is that it really REALLY doesn't matter about Grades and progress. Or what someone's qualifications are. It's about exposing kids to multiple instruments and seeing what sticks and which they enjoy. I have never once had to tell DD to practice because she loves it and music is her happy place.

I think if you wanted to know that stuff before committing to paying her it would have made sense to at least try and find the information on her website first. And your daughter is a beginner after all, so it's not like this teacher needed to be a virtuoso - if she is recommended by the school she is very likely a decent teacher of beginners, and that is all that is needed at this point. Your questions would make more sense if you were finding a new teacher for your grade 8 prodigy child.....

And you MUST have known she would have an advanced DBS if she teaches in a school, so I don't understand why you asked this really.

I suppose the question for you now is, are you willing to take a different approach going forward? Or will you insist that your approach is best whatever happens, and stick to it regardless? You need to be aware that your daughter may lose out on opportunities (like this one) if you do. And as she gets older you will embarrass her, too.

Brilliant.