AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

It’s always entertaining when an individual thinks they are interviewing someone for a position. And they don’t realise that it’s a two-way process.
You failed your interview, OP, however lovely your daughter was.
Asking questions isn’t usually a problem. Being abrasive and challenging often is.

I'm a private tutor. Not music though.

It is really irritating when parents can't be bothered to read your website and would rather take your time asking for lots of readily available information at the end of a lesson (after the time you've paid for) simply because it's more convenient to them.

I'm guessing she just got the feeling you were going to take up a lot of her time, or cause her hassle. It's her prerogative to work with who she feels comfortable with.

I personally don't work with anyone who is rude to me, turns up early/late or takes up my time unnecessarily. I'm over subscribed so I only keep students I want to work with. I expect she feels the same.

She can spot a potentially difficult parent and thought it just wasn't worth the hassle I imagine.

The joys of being self employed, you can pick and choose!

Bliss!

Good luck with one of the many other teachers, hopefully they don't know the original one.......

Ummm look on her website maybe? Just a thought.

I think you're completely reasonable OP. If you're paying someone for a job it's reasonable to ask their experience!

Oh dear. I can see why the tutor was offended.

Next time, do your research.

I like the pp saying an interview is a two way street. I have turned down jobs because the vibe of the interviewer was off.

Maybe this tutor decided she couldn't work with you and your child, for whatever reason.

But if that was the case, why couldn’t the teacher just say, “You’ll find all of that on my website, here are the details”? It’s hardly difficult and it’s pretty normal for a parent to ask questions. It was just suggest perhaps they weren’t aware of the website or hadn’t read the full details.

@ChaosAndCrumbs weren't aware of the website.... who doesn't have a website? It's hardly a new thing?

And if they've missed all that info on the website, then another issue occurs.

I hope all this interrogation time was taken out of the lesson time.

At the end of the day it's the teachers prerogative.

The school gave you information about a woman who teaches in schools. Therefore she has all the relevant checks/insurance/skills/experience etc and it was a bit OTT to ask about any of that. It was also not appropriate to ask about time to grades. It was your dd's first lesson and the teacher has no idea how much work your dd will be putting in. Grades will depend on how much you support your dd to do practice. Also some teachers get cross about fixating on grades. Although I do think it motivates children quite well to get grades.

And times for grades for a 7 year old having the first lesson?

Like PP, my kid had music lessons. I trusted the school and the ensemble that the teachers provided knew what they were doing and were up to the job. I never questioned them on those areas once. There was no need.

Then my child's teacher retired and I was looking for another. I used Google to find other teachers of the instrument and read extensively about their qualifications and experience. It's a perfectly normal way these days to find out about professional tutors, so there's no point in bleating "I didn't know she had a website". Come ON! You type in "[tutor name] [area] violin lessons" and bingo, there you are, results.

I'm sure if you'd asked one of those questions quite casually, like "Have you been teaching violin for a few years now?" or something like that, it wouldn't have bothered the teacher so much. But all of them, one after the other, and irrelevant too (the DBS because you KNOW she'll have that), most people would find that jarring. In her position, I would have said the same, because it makes you seem pushy and also unable to "read the room" as you didn't realise you were rubbing her up the wrong way. And it sounds like you still don't get it, even though posters have explained to you.

Sorry to be blunt, but you blew it for your DD by putting the tutor’s back up. She was recommended by the school and you were told she teaches locally and in local schools. Your DD is only 7! How expert does she need to be anyway?

I suspect your reputation is going to go before you now, not least as it’s a new school. I think you need to soften your approach and take on board the lesson learnt if you look for another one.

I hope it works out for your DD.

But I don’t see what’s wrong with my approach. I think it’s relevant to ask about someone’s qualifications, experience, enhanced DRB check, insurance and times to get to grades. What’s wrong with that?

Too intense. She was worried you were going to be trouble. She doesn’t need it. You need to dial it down a notch and then some.

Oh dear I'm not surprised she declined to take on your daughter.

I hope you get another teacher soon

I come from a family of music teachers (2 siblings and a BIL) not violin though. None of them would have been bothered by your questions , in fact they would probably have been pleased you were interested enough to ask . Too many parents show no interest at the start, don’t understand the process or what they are signing up for and then complain when it’s not what they expect.

Music lessons are very expensive these days , it’s a big investment. There is nothing wrong with asking about average speed of progress etc it does not mean that progress will be that level it’s just to give a guide . Also anyone who says look at the website is to be avoided, you could be entrusting your child to this person, yes you initially stay but eventually you will leave them alone , you need to see the ‘whites if their eyes’ . Most of the music teachers I know want to inspire the children but also understand that they are in a position of trust and take that seriously.

Of course it is. It just shows she's not the one for you that's all. I personally would want someone who could answer those questions proudly and confidently, not shy away from their CV!

😂😂😂😂😂😂

lol, as a tutor I can relate. I have so many people asking, I can’t be bothered with difficult ones.
They are sitting there with a child, they know I’ve been a deputy head and senco for many years and I have few slots free. Yet they quiz about my pgce. I just can’t be bothered past a certain point to deal with it. They are totally free to go elsewhere (and listen to the spiel of a 18 yr old)

You would have come across as a VPP (Very Pushy Parent). I think she probably felt you would be hard work, but also wouldn't want to weekly witness how you parent your child. It's actually painful if you love kids, and love your subject, to see parents beating that love out of their kids by pushing them so hard and demonstrating disappointment at anything perceived as a 'low grade'. It's difficult to watch that relationship between parent and child, especially over time if you bond with that child and see the damage which is happening. Perhaps you are not like this OP, but it may be worth considering if you are.

Make sure you read their website first this time maybe?

It is perfectly normal...... BEFORE you book the lesson,

Most people research first then book

Its unusual to book first and then ask the teacher about their qualifications ect. I'd be annoyed if I was her too

I don’t think it was the questions per se; I suspect it was your tone! Sorry!

She dodged a bullet, life is too short for difficult parents. I feel sorry for your child though.

Maybe she was trying to gently tell you that your daughter ain't gonna be the next Yehudi Menuhin 😉😉