AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

You probably came across as someone who would likely be a bit of a nightmare parent grilling the teacher at the end of every lesson. She may have had experience of that type of parent before

1. Your child is 7 and a beginner - not auditioning for the National Youth Orchestra
2. The amount of times you’ve argued back at MNers who have pointed out the info you wanted was ON HER WEBSITE shows you are THAT parent
3. The teacher is oversubscribed and doesn’t need parents who will be a pain ( and possibly a child with “ no ear”)
4. 30 years plus experienced teacher knows how to wisely call the shots.

@DesperateSusans Glad it worked out and well done you for being ready to eat humble pie.

I am glad to note: 'she has no issue at all with questions and agreed they were entirely valid'. Perhaps she did a bit of reflecting too in the meantime?

Wishing you a long and positive music tuition relationship.

I wonder why she's so defensive! Maybe she has something to hide, or is an overly arrogant person. Maybe you're better of without her!

This!

All teachers in a school or swimming school are checked by their employers so there would been no need.

A few years ago i had a very unsettling situation with my (then) 6 year old's ballet teacher (i posted it here actually, but had it removed as i was very perturbed about what came out (via MN). Basically my daughter was asked not to perform in the annual show as she wasn't good enough (she was in a beginner lesson and it was utterly heartless). Anyway, i posted about that on MN and it transpired that the teacher had done time for forging THOUSANDS of dance certs and when she was on the cusp of being founds out, she used a burner phone to send herself abusive messages (pretending they were from parents). The police believed her and interviewed those parents!
It all came out and she did time (2 years).

I was horrified that i'd done no research in to her at all and vowed never to leave my children without doing research in to who i was leaving them with.

So on that, i'm with you OP.

However - that research involves Google, checking out their website and if necessary going exam boards to check they are listed.

It doesn't involve giving the teacher the third degree!

You were a pain in the bum.

No it’s not normal to ask tutors these questions. My partner does guitar lessons and had never been interrogated by the parents.

So according to most of the responders on here teachers are supposed to have websites. And have them completely up to date etc etc
I think what you did was completely normal.

If you were given a link to a website would you not look at it? OP was given a link.

Would you ask to see a driving licence in aTAXI or. BUS???????

I think this is very odd and find lots of the responses odd too. As a teacher I would happily tell someone what my qualifications and experience are. I don’t see anything wrong in your questions.

OP - umpteen people have explained to you why the teacher decided she didn’t want to teach your DD, but still you don’t get it! I think that says it all!

I get this in my job (I’m an osteopath). We were told that knowledge can’t be assumed just because someone has booked to see you, you have to explain who you are and what you do. It is a bit annoying when you are decades in and it’s a busy day but it’s all part of the service, and that’s essentially the problem I think - people have forgotten that their job is a service they are providing and the customer is paying their wages. If the customer wants to use some of the appointment time asking questions that’s fine, as long as they understand that it will mean the actual time available for the lesson is shorter.

I used to be a tutor and agree that she's trying to avoid a potentially difficult parent. I used to do it too when i was in demand.

She did "get it" and said so. It is sorted now. DD is continuining with lessons.

Maybe do the right research at the right time? If the info is all on website, why were you grilling her. If she's been recommended by schools and has passed the DBS check, why are you grilling her? She's female. Your daughter is female. What was your biggest source of anxiety? You should just be watching to see if your daughter and her new tutor "click" without you being a constant forceful presence. If you're super over-anxious, just put a nanny cam in the room. But you're not helping your daughter build confidence. if you treat everyone with suspicion. Find a new tutor. Hopefully the school can recommend a second one.

Qualifications & experience I thought were perfectly reasonable questions, but now that you have told us what you really asked I think she is sensible to steer clear.
Of course she is DBS checked - she works in a school and it is LUDICROUS to ask how long to get to grades. If a music teacher told me an answer to that it would be a red flag. Every child is different.

she has had a lucky escape!

There’s nothing wrong with your questions , and I asked similar of my daughter’s guitar teacher , the violins teachers answers were abrupt though. These same people who are on here slagging you off for your questions would be the same ones slandering you for sending your child to a complete stranger and not finding anything out about them .

Brownie leaders aren’t employed!! They are vetted though. They are volunteers.

I know a few parents like you.. hard work 😅

She teaches in a school as a well-respected violin teacher. Whatever her qualifications or experience I'm sure she'd be capable of teaching a seven year old. You were offensive and unnecessary.

Well fair play to you for taking advice and opinion on board and realising you were in the wrong to go at it so gung ho. I mean, you wouldn't interview your Daughter's maths teacher the same would you?

I really hope this works out between the 3 of you so it can be wonderfully productive for your Daughter. Funny how this thing's works out, you bumping into her. There's probably a word for it, but I have no idea!

I must admit I never questioned my children's piano or violin teachers. They all taught in schools and I'm pretty sure teaching beginner violin, whilst not for the faint hearted ( or sensitive of ear) is not beyond most fairly competent violinists.