AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

Have you actually read OP's posts?

Unfortunately, I have been unable to find a different teacher locally, I’ve googled a few but they are much further away

grovelling email now sent

OP isn't sounding terribly powerful here, with no violin teachers available and a child who is very upset with her...

So why has Op sent a grovelling email & is hoping to change the teacher's mind?

To be fair this is a reflection of the OP and a further example of her ‘intensity’.

Being recommended by a primary school doesn’t necessarily mean she is the best teacher in the area, she’s just a name they know. It doesn’t mean she isn’t a good teacher either.

There are dance schools around here that parents were queuing to get into. Within a few years, and with more experience of the dancing world, they move their kids to other schools.

I had a child in a very popular stage school. Again waited to get on the waiting list, waited to join. Three years later my kid left, following a well worn pattern of children over the age of 8/9 leaving to go elsewhere. Yet this stage school is still full - but only for the youngest children.

Wrong. All the money in the world can't make a music teacher take on a student they don't want to teach.

A parent only has the power to say no. It is the teacher who has the power to say either.

@AlphariusOmegron I don't think you have read the thread!

If her answers weren't satisfactory what would you have done @DesperateSusans, walked out with your DD? The time to ask these questions (and probably not all of them) were via email/phone call but certainly before the lesson

Being recommended by a primary school doesn’t necessarily mean she is the best teacher in the area, she’s just a name they know. It doesn’t mean she isn’t a good teacher either.

It also doesn't mean that she is a wanker & Op has dodged a bullet -which is what I was replying to!

Of course if there was another teacher nearby Op probably wouldn't have sent an email to this one.

😂

This. She has made her choice so I don't know why you've sent a grovelling email!

A parent only has the power to say no. It is the teacher who has the power to say either

Power? Seriously?

Someone would want to have extreme notions of themselves to use the word 'power'. Pupils outgrow teachers all the time. Not by the age of seven though :)

Unless the teacher is truly awful, she will always have the young pupils at least.

Asking for a DBS check is fine, but hounding her about her qualifications and experience would have been extremely annoying. Frankly I can see why she did not come back.

So you were interrogating her whilst she was in your home? Ie: In your space which is unfamiliar to her? She must've felt so, so intimidated

To be fair though, it does sound like she was overly defensive

Come on OP, it is quite funny! You were “that parent”.

If grovelling email does not work, next up - handwritten card and picture by your DD….

The teacher clearly has a “performing” ego. So be prepared for that. Unfortunately, in reality a lot of instrumental teachers are highly accomplished and underpaid so you do have to give them some reverence/gratitude. The normal approach is to tune in to the local gossip about the visiting music teachers and get your information that way.

She's dodged a bullet? OP seems to have discovered she has zero power in this situation. There are no other local violin teachers. And OP has also discovered:

I’ve just come across her on you tube - she’s amazing

You really haven't bothered to read the thread at all.

Unfortunately, in reality a lot of instrumental teachers are highly accomplished and underpaid so you do have to give them some reverence/gratitude

Reverence? Seriously? What a load of bollox.

They are underpaid and need parents to support them.......and of course everyone wants to feel appreciated.

I'm also curious as to why you think ABRSM are superior to other exams? There are many grades now, all suited to different students.
As someone speaking from experience, I think asking about someone's teaching methods etc is fine but as others have said, starting to ask how long grades would take would be a red flag for me. For some parents their child completing grades is just another box ticking exercise, they aren't actually interested in their child actually becoming a good musician, or SHOCK horror, just enjoying learning music.

The final sentence of this post is bang on: normal approach is tune in to the community of parents whose dc learn and then make a targeted approach to the teacher who is recommended/ sounds right for you dc/ pupils play nicely at school music recital/ etc. That way you can screen a little for what your objectives are ( lovely, kind teacher or top exam results or whatever). Fwiw it’s also sort of unspoken that you don’t pass on your own teacher’s details to a nightmare parent. Instead you say “ well sadly I know she’s fully booked or whatever .” Which is code for “ I value my relationship with the teacher and don’t want to jeopardise it by saddling her with you. “ That way the teacher knows when someone rings and says “ so and so gave me your details …” that you’re within boundaries of normality as a parent. And the parents who are told everyone is sadly booked up get a subtle message to dial it down a bit.

Something amazing has happened!

I bumped into the violin teacher in Boots earlier! She saw me approaching and asked if I was stalking her - but laughed as she said it phew!

I apologised for being full on and appearing to be demanding, she was very nice as I explained all this is new to me and wasn’t in my comfort zone. She then said sorry for being taken aback, she has no issue at all with questions and agreed they were entirely valid, but felt put on the spot which was not her ‘comfort zone’. She laughed and said ‘that’s why I work for myself- I’m so bad in interviews!’

She was incredibly polite and supportive and explained that at this level she would be concentrating on basic musical fundamentals (I think she mentioned pulse, rhythm and pitch?) as well as just concentrating on posture and bow hold initially, she also said the lessons should be fun and relaxed and my daughter seemed really enthusiastic- she was very polite about her and said she was bright and responsive!

We chatted for about 10 minutes- and agreed to ‘see how it goes’, I have promised to not interfere and support my daughter with her practise.

just about to collect her from school, I can’t wait to tell her. I’m so incredibly lucky and have learned from this experience to do less talking and more listening in future.

Ah this is such a great ending! Pleased for you!

Glad to hear it @DesperateSusans

I have promised to not interfere and support my daughter with her practise.

Do this and only this.

Honestly op.
It's unlikely that she till take on your daughter now regardless of how upset she is. Music teachers can be a sensitive breed as you've learned the hard way.
You absolutely will find someone else locally to teach your child instead , you're never going to have a positive relationship with this lady now even if she did agree to teach your child .

Were you stalking her? 🤔😉

I was handed a flyer from the school with her email address, phone number, Twitter address and website. I should have read it more thoroughly before making contact.

Yes exactly OP. Sounds like you hastily made arrangements for lesson without research. Asking a music teacher all those questions before the first trial lesson how long it takes for each grade sounds ignorant. Like others said, it largely depends on how much a child practices outside lesson, not the quality of the teaching. Regarding syllabus, you must understand a music teacher should not solely teach syllabus from one exam board. Pieces chosen for exam are not always the best for learning. Children need to learn from a rich repotiore, build up their skill and then exams are just a way to check they can play to such standard. It is OK to have questions but you could have asked when you first contact her?

And you also commented in one of your replies that you think there must be loads of violin teachers around. This is also ignorant and shows your lack of appreciation of good music teacher. You made a lot of assumptions without proper research and ended up in this situation which I cannot sympathise.

I hope you do find a teacher eventually, and take this experience as lesson learned.

happy ending! And now you'll understand if the teacher says no ABRSM, as well....(of course, she might not)