Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

Personally I wouldn’t let either of them go . Tell hubby to go alone . They are all idiots imo ! Stupid people . Do they have children ? Why is dna so important to this idiot if a woman anyway ? Honestly I couldn’t recover from this , o would keep basic contact but no more than that . No birthdays or Christmas etc .

@Surprisedbuthappy

Talk about an attitude straight out of the 1950s! It's obviously the hussy woman's fault for having children with different fathers, isn't it? I think it's far more like the absent father abandoned his family than the OP just decided to move on and start a family with another man for the hell of it.

This is rubbish. I never said anything about a hussy woman - that's your projection. Fact is best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour and if a woman has left father of Child 1, there's at least a risk that she'd leave the father of Child 2. Even you must accept that - there's a risk and a greater risk than someone who has never been married at all with no children or someone who has been married for life.

I made expressly clear that in some circumstances there may be exceptional reasons why it isn't a risk - a woman widowed or where there is unforeseen trauma/mental health breakdown that lead to unexpected change of character (war veterans for example)

Typically two people who choose to have a child together but fail to stay together to give that child a stable family background are each at fault - even if the fault on one side is to fail to take long enough to assess the true character of the other person as being compatible with them and family life. It's very rarely all the fault of the "bastard" man any more than the fault of the women.

The point I was making is that its not that unreasonable to

firstly not consider a "step niece" part of your family as unconnected and unrelated

and

secondly, that no one really longs for someone they care about to find a long term relationship with someone who comes with the complication of existing children from another relationship - and all the kind of crap (that this thread exemplifies) that goes with forming new relationships when they are existing children to consider. Your hope would always be they'd find someone single to create a family unit together for the first time and stay together for life, happy and stable.

thirdly it's not unreasonable to be very sceptical about how long the new relationship will last such as to put you off forming a quick and close bond with the "step niece" because of the risk of the relationship with the sibling failing too.

That's all. No hussy women. Just probability that there is a risk of the new relationship failing too so that rushing into bond with the step child is an area to enter into very very slowly even if you have an inclination to do so - not just for your interests (if the wife buggers off you may never see the step child again) but also for the child (unhelpful to get fast bonds if the family splits).

& given that the OP is threatening to divorce the brother over this issue, it might not be that off the scale here.

You’re making one hell of a lot of assumptions there, that everyone thinks the same as you.

I don’t think that way and neither do the people I know!

People who have failed to stay together have failed to provide a stable family background and are at fault in some way… nobody wants their loved ones to get involved with someone who already has children…

Those aren’t things I think. I think that’s just you, not a universal perspective.

You’re making one hell of a lot of assumptions there, that everyone thinks the same as you.

Absolutely not! LOL. I'm not saying everyone thinks as I do because I'm not daft and I can read!!! Plenty of people on this thread think that it's the devils own work not to embrace a "step niece" like your own child and treat them exactly the same as a biological niece. It's repeated here again and again - some people think it's (and I quote) child abuse to exclude a child from a child free wedding barring the flower girls. You only have to read this thread to see that people don't agree with my point of view.

I was just agreeing with previous posters making the point that there are some people (like me and like them) who just would not regard a 'step child' of their sibling as part of their family from the off. Then I was responding directly to the person who (wrongly) said I was saying anyone with children by different men was a hussy - which I never said.

The point I was making at core was the OP throwing her toys out the pram about the older child not being included and being treated as part of the inlaws family is a pointless activity because no one can change how other people think and feel. Some people in the wider family will not be interested in or care about a non-biologically related 'step' child.

@BackITD

I understand you perfectly and so do all the other posters, I agree that most people choose their own offspring over stepchildren, but in this specific case they have singled her and the other step child out for exclusion as the rest of the family was invited.

If you do not see how in this example you are wrong then I have no words.

It would be like your inlaws inviting your husband and your children to a wedding and excluding you becuase you are not blood, you arn't one of them.

Disgusting attitude.

OP, you're not over reacting. I'm surprised people are okay with a 10 year old being treated like this. Her stepdad has been around most of her life and has been a resident parent for a huge part of that time. It's not like he sees her weekly when she visits. She should be treated equally to her sister regardless of whether she's biologically related or not. If he truly saw her as his daughter as he claims to, then he would want her to be treated equally. He would fight for her to be seen as an equally valued family member.

In my opinion your husband is shit, and he's done the bare minimum for the child he claims he loves like his own.

In comparison, my daughters bio dad isn't involved. When my husband and I became serious, he took on my daughter as his own. And his family followed suit. They treat her as if she's biologically related. Husbands late grandparents doted on her. When DHs family found out about an incredibly long waiting list my daughter was on to diagnose her medical condition, his parents and siblings rallied to help us raise the funds to go private. My SIL and her partner make a huge effort with her, buy her gifts and take her on day trips. As do my parents in law. BIL doesn't take her out but loves her to pieces as well and spends lots of time playing with her when we visit. They see her as theirs and she's an equal, valued member of their family unit.

And that's how it should be for long term resident step children. I would honestly explain to SIL that you don't feel comfortable with DD1 attending because it's clear it's for the wrong reasons. And I'd say you won't allow DD2 to be there because it sends the wrong message.

I'd also be honest and tell your in laws that it saddens you that your daughter isn't seen as an equal family member even though she has been a part of his family for most of her life.

You need to make a stand and stop both girls attending. Allowing your in laws to dote on DD1 while treating your eldest as a vague acquaintance will have repercussions on DD1s confidence and on her relationship with her little sister.

Your husband has equal parental responsibility so it means nothing that he's adamant DD2 is going regardless. He can't stop you taking the girls away for the day.

At the end of the day if you choose to say anything, or pull the girls out, you will have to accept you will cause offence, or worse. But any offence caused is because deep down they know what they're doing is wrong and you're right to feel like this.

I hope you find a solution

You have a blended family so there may well be a mismatch in how extended family treat your girls. This is your BILs wedding and your husband is best man and DD flower girl. There has already been family politics because your DD wasn't included. Now they have extended an olive branch you still won't go. This is the way to make this wedding day about you and your DD rather than bride and groom. I expect your DH is cross. YABU.

Idiot of a woman? So it’s all the brides fault and not the bil.
and did you read the updates?

I don’t think the husband is as bad as your making out.
He treats the child like his own and has called his brother out on the unfair treatment and been given an invitation now.
what else do you want from him?

Fact is best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour and if a woman has left father of Child 1, there's at least a risk that she'd leave the father of Child 2. Even you must accept that - there's a risk and a greater risk than someone who has never been married at all with no children or someone who has been married for life.

I must accept no such thing. I think it's misogynistic nonsense!

Thank them graciously for inviting her and go. They could have been stubborn and refused, but they haven’t. They have accepted the error and resolved it. You however are now being stubborn. Go as a family and don’t mention it again. This happened in my husbands family, kids not invited, bride backtracked and then invited. The mum stubbornly refused to take them. The two brothers now haven’t spoken in five years and the whole family is utterly broken. Don’t be that person!

But he's clearly not treating her as his own. Otherwise none of this would be happening because he would have stood up to his family and said both siblings need to be treated equally.

This. This is not just a wedding problem, it is just that his family has decided to blatantly exclude OP’s older DD, and he doesn’t see a problem with it at all, which has made it obvious to OP that 1) he doesn’t have her back, 2) his family had not welcomed her and DD into the family as she thought and 3) that he doesn’t give a shit about her older girl.

Those 3 things are enough for anyone in a blended family to reconsider if the relationship is as good as they thought it was. Nobody likes to see their children rejected after all, especially when the kid has had a bad time and the sibling is spoiled rotten.

But that's kind of the crux of it:

DH: I have decided to take on my new partners child as my own.

Absolutely fine, his choice.

DH: Because I've decided I want to treat a new partners child as my own, you have to now behave as if you have a niece, and you have to behave as if you have a great granddaughter. And if you don't I'll be removing your actual niece/great granddaughter from your activities.

Not ok, you can't demand other people to take on unrelated children like their own, simply because you want them too.

He is entitled to make the choice to do so. They are entitled to make the choice not to do so. If a step parent has less involvement with a child and leaves the parenting mainly to the parent(s) that's also perfectly ok, because they are not the child's parent. His brother/parents wouldn't have the right to start ranting at him "you need to treat that child as your own or we're having nothing to do with your biological daughter." Which is the equivalent to what OP is trying to orchestrate.

Not ok, you can't demand other people to take on unrelated children like their own, simply because you want them too.

Does that go for adopted children too?

He is entitled to make the choice to do so. They are entitled to make the choice not to do so. If a step parent has less involvement with a child and leaves the parenting mainly to the parent(s) that's also perfectly ok, because they are not the child's parent. His brother/parents wouldn't have the right to start ranting at him "you need to treat that child as your own or we're having nothing to do with your biological daughter." Which is the equivalent to what OP is trying to orchestrate.

It isn’t really though, is it? Because wider family don’t get to dictate what happens within the nuclear family unit. Whereas the DH absolutely does have the right to say ‘this is my family, we come as a package’.

Just as if his wider family didn’t accept his choice of partner, they wouldn’t get to say ‘that person has nothing to do with us and won’t be included’.

I’m on the fence as to whether you should go now your eldest has been invited now or not.

BUT I would be having a long hard think about your relationship with your dh. He should have spoken up for your daughter and say they are treated the same as he sees both as his daughters. I can see other issues arising in the future to be honest, your eldest is not invited after 5 years of being in the family that’s horrible and the sneaky way of asking your other daughter to be flower girl etc would upset me.
Your daughter is getting older and will start to notice these things and resentment will start unless this is nipped in the bud now, but you dh needs to be on board which he doesn’t seem to be.

I agree that you can't demand another person takes on an unrelated child as their own relative. However it's pretty toxic behaviour that they refuse to acknowledge OPs daughter as family, despite the fact she has lived with her husband and been raised by him the majority of her life.

OP shouldn't be the one telling her in laws they need to treat her child as family or they're not seeing the younger sibling.

Because if OPs husband truly saw his stepdaughter as his own, and loved her as his own, and has stepped up as he insists he has, then he would have that conversation himself and tell his family that he sees both children equally and if they choose not to that's their choice, but it means they can't DD2 because their behaviour is toxic and damaging.

And to be honest, I disagree with the whole premise of living with a stepchild and having less involvement with them because they're not yours. It is so incredibly damaging to a child to be treated like that in their own home.

I had resolved to be gracious and go to the wedding but then everything blew up again yesterday.
The wedding has clearly been a catalyst for my husband and to some extent my MiL.
Husband has used this opportunity to tell me that youngest is going to be hugely at a financial advantage in the future because of inheritance from his side of the family. This goes beyond the savings account the in-laws have for her.
He also talked about my youngest’s secondary school insisting that she will go to a private school which he is happy to pay for.
He claimed that I had had my own way re: primary school while I have no memory of us disagreeing about it. She is in Reception and eldest in Year 6 of same school. He thinks he is being super sensitive as eldest will be in sixth form and the difference won’t be so obvious when her sister will be sent to swanky paid school.

He maintains that he adores her and I genuinely can never see any difference in how he treats her but he is adamant that he can’t make his wider family feel the same and he thinks they’ve been gracious including her in a wedding.
He says MiL has intervened on behalf of my eldest but has taken opportunity to moan that she hasn’t seen youngest on her own without eldest in two years and now wants a set time that she can see her. I am so upset that the mere presence of my eldest is somehow getting in the way of a grandparent’s relationship with my youngest.
I said that DH’s grandmother is 94, apparently she is 95 and now a great-great Grandmother with cousin being a grandmother. They believe that the wedding will be potentially the last time she will be present. It’s the cousin’s wife who is arranging the photo and is ‘concerned’ about my daughter’s feelings but obviously not so concerned that she would be included.
I do have a loving family of my own where both my girls are loved.
Even if my eldest had a close paternal family I would still expect a bloody invitation for her for a wedding.
Oh and last thing that DH flung at me, apparently SiL who I definitely don’t blame as much as BiL, has spoken about me to her own sister and step-niece as if I am some mad woman. Apparently step- niece on that side will be in bloody LA at time of wedding and SiL said when this 14 year old heard a me they could actually hear her eyes roll. I didn’t need to know this.
I am still reeling and while I admire SiL for reaching out but I still don’t think that they feel that they did anything wrong which the majority on here think they have, they just think they’re indulging me for a quiet life for DH.

@WaitingForMojo this point has been raised before.

An adopted child is one where legally the mother and father are the ONLY parents, and it is 100% their child together.

A step child is one where only one parent is present, and while they may develop a good relationship with their step parent, they still have their other parent elsewhere and indeed an entire half of their family too.

The mess for OP is entirely due to her overcompensating for her elder daughters crappy father and family, over prioritising the elder daughter over the younger and wanting everyone around to be complicit in this lunacy.

That puts different spin on it...i wouldn't go nor older daughter now...thered be snides aside sll day.Let husband and youngest go...hes a coward tbh not addressing this with his family...if he treats your eldest as his own surely he should be voicing that to his family? He doesn't treat your eldest the same else he wouldn't have said those things... school...your family inheritance etc..id be angry. Personally id be thinking if he cannot protect me amd eldest why are we here?

Well this has really shone a light on your DH and his family hasn’t it?

I don’t know OP, we’re only seeing a snippet but based on your last update I’d be feeling very differently about my marriage. Are you ok?

Is your husband willing to pay for private school for the oldest?

For what it's worth, I would leave my husband if he treated my 10 year daughter like this. Because it's such a vulnerable age where they start to notice their differences and where they start to develop their sense of self.

Eventually your daughter will find out that the man who has always claimed to see her as his own and love her the same as her sister has lied and doesn't feel that way at all. And when she finds out half her life has been a lie, it will have an effect on your daughter and her sense of self worth and her sense of self identity.

And even if it didn't have an effect on those things, knowing your husband supports this treatment by his family will have an effect on the relationship between DD1 and DD2. Because if this behaviour carries on it just reinforces the message to both girls that DD1 isn't really family because she's only a "half" sister.

I'm not usually an LTB type. But this is my exception

@KeenHiker

With respect, your daughters have different fathers and thus different life outcomes.

It is amazing that your younger daughter will have an inheritance and that her father wants her to have the advantage of private school. Please do not ruin her prospects due to your having a child from another relationship.

I’m sorry but you are going to have to accept that you cannot force a whole group of people to “adopt” your elder daughter into their family.

The best you can do is help both girls to maintain a healthy relationship and to help them to accept their different lots in life due to their different parentage.