Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

It’s true, but there’s usually the case that step mums are usually less involved day to day (not always!). This stepdad has been full time dad to the daughter, if you’re dad in everything but blood then it does seem the rest of his family have not taken that into consideration at all.

would do absolutely nothing to get DD2 ready. Needs tights? DH gets them. Dress fittings? DH takes her. I’d make it so inconvenient for him that he’ll regret his attitude.

Totally do this. They made a point so can you.

The BIL doesn't involve himself in the family, dobto him, family are his blood relations. The wedding is child free, except for family who are involved, do the eldest doesn't get an invite. You can't force wider family to think of step children, or those who married in, as equal to blood relatives. It's unfair to cut the youngest from her family. I've seen that done and as adults the step child still has the maternal and paternal side, whereas the youngest doesn't. It can disadvantage the younger children if they are all treated equally, especially re inheritance.
The solution is that thr DH and youngest go, then the couple is kept LC.

It's interesting to compare this to threads started by stepmothers who say that they treat their own children differently to their stepkids and are encouraged to do so here. And by women who complain that their ex-husband's new partner is treating their kids like her own, and this is terrible because they already have a mother!

Not really the point but why hasn't your DH addressed this previously?
He should have nipped this in the bud ages ago, him failing to do so and standing by while his family isolated a small child would be the reason I'd divorce him. The wedding is just the catalyst for behaviour that's been ongoing

Right but the DH thinks he "stepped up" and treats the older dd as his own as deserves kudos and congratulations for that - so he has to walk the walk not just talk the talk, no self-congratulatory "I treat her like my own daughter" shit if what he actually means is "I'll reluctantly let her live with us and not be actively cruel to her but I'll never see her the same way as my own daughter, don't love her or consider her as part of my real family and am fine with ny extended family treating her as less important and a bit of a nuisance, and BTW won't be contributing to anything like uni support or including her in my will," - if thats how he feels then that's his perogative, you can't MAKE someone love a child that isn't "theirs" but equally so you have to be upfront about it and not expect adulation for treating a young child with the bare minimum of decency.

I don't think you're overreacting at all.

It would be all of us or none of us, and youngest certainly wouldn't be a bridesmaid. If DH chose to take our shared DD on his own, I would quite honestly consider whether the marriage could continue. It's a decision that sends such a clear signal about his views of the two girls and your family unit, and where his priorities lie. And the kicker is that he seems to think he deserves some kind of medal for "stepping up" to raise DD, as opposed to being privileged to have her in his life.

Have you spelled out to him how serious this is?

The bride is a fuckwit, and so is the groom.

There, I've said it.

@easylikeasundaymorn put it perfectly. If you want a kid free wedding, you just don’t have kids there. You don’t pick your favourites (or the cutest for the pics!) and leave their siblings out. They sound nasty op, who would choose to be so cruel to a child? It’s your ohs family so let him decide if he wants to go, same with your youngest, but I’d be telling the in laws what I think of them and cutting contact. Do something nice with your eldest and do some reflecting on your oh, I couldn’t be with someone so willing to hurt my child.

When I say neither has been distinguished by them I mean they have both been ignored by them.

Sister-in-law had to have her own niece once a year or so ago and husband came back and asked me if I would let youngest go out with them but I said no as I think my eldest should have been included.
As for involving my MiL , too right I wanted her to bollock BiL.
Husband’s stance is it’s not up to him who is invited and I can only think of myself not the stepkids on her side. Did I mention two of them Are in their thirties?

Yep, complete turn around from the thread yesterday were the OP didn't wantvto do any childcare, or even ask her Mum. The DH is always totally in the wrong for wanting a stepmother/'s family to help out, even if they are at home, doing pick up/drop off anyway.

I can't get past his use of "stepping up" as though you and your elder daughter were some charity case he took under his wing. It doesn't sound like he has much respect for you, OP.

I would do this too. I do see why you're angry. If I had been SIL I would have invited both of them. And I can see you want to have your older Dd's back. But starting WWII over this is not going to be very helpful for her, ultimately, especially not if it leaves her feeling as if it's her fault for splitting the family up - how is she ever going to feel safe to show she's sad again if this is what happens when she does?

I don't have a blended family but it seems obvious to me that part of parenting in a blended family is to help your kids cope with the fact that they aren't always going to be treated the same by everyone.

And let him field the dress fittings, rehearsals, anything else that requires parental cooperation. Arrange to go.out with your older DD the night before and leave him to do it all on.the day.

And LTB

Aside from the flower girls, isn't it a kid free wedding?

The first thing I'd be annoyed about is someone asking my small child to be bridesmaid without talking to me first!! Excluding your daughter is bad enough but setting it up in a way that means it's really obvious to her she's been excluded would make me so angry. It's not just about whose child is whose (although that is maddening too) it's the lack of thought for a small child's feelings at all. They are obvious dicks.

You can't stop him from taking the child you share but I think he's accidentally told you that he sees your daughter as an add on he has to put up with, but not his family. He shares his family's views or he would be upset about them.

If it was me I would remove myself entirely from anything to do with his family. They are simply the relatives of the man you happen to be married to (for now. Whether you do in fact end the relationship with him is something for you to take time to decide). Their relationship to him makes them no more important to you than your daughter is to them. 🤷 They set the rules you now play by.

I think it was weird that you went immediately over and instead of thanking them you made it clear you weren't happy (even if in a passive aggressive jokey way) about them going to them effort if giving a personalised egg to your youngest.

Re. The wedding I think you need to keep the peace. Your daughter could have a sleepover at her friend's house or grandparents?

I'd be angry too. Age 10 is still young enough to be cute enough to be a bridesmaid IMO. A blended family is still a family, particularly where they live in that family home with their sibling.

Having seen my cousin's step daughter excluded from family events, I had her as one of my bridesmaids as representative of that side of the family. My cousin wrote me a wonderful note saying how he appreciated it and how it had actually eased her relationship with other members of the wider family who realised what a dick they had been.

You can't control the Bride and Groom but you can express your frustration to DH.

I'd be making it clear I was no longer facilitating youngest DDs relationship with his side of the family and would no longer be attending family events. Essentially it's all on him. I don't think you can stop him taking youngest DD.

Sod Paris, I'd be going to New York.

Your youngest is also his child. So why do you get to decide if she goes?

It’s a shitty situation. I am surprised he wants to go tbh. But you won’t divorce him over this. It’s a manipulation tactic.

As I said, it’s not just your decision. But both of you are to hyped up to make any discussion productive

There is no way that you can go to that wedding OP. What would that say to your eldest? So DH goes with the youngest.
Stop having them around your eldest. It will have a terrible impact on her mental health. They wouldn't be welcome in my home again.
As for your DH, I dont know what you should do there but it will be awkward to be together but live as 2 separate units. It won't be good for your youngest either.

Tbf your Mil doesnt really have much power here as it's usually the bride that does most wedding stuff.

I dont think the DSC on the other side matter less because theyre in their 30s, is it a big wedding? If it's 100s of people then yanbu to be pissed off at all. Does your dd2 want to be bridesmaid? If not then you can take them both out for a day.

Agree with pp too, if he takes the youngest then you make sure you do something AMAZING with your eldest.

Sister-in-law had to have her own niece once a year or so ago and husband came back and asked me if I would let youngest go out with them but I said no as I think my eldest should have been included.

How old are the children? If Niece is close in age to DD2, and DD1 is a few years older, I think it made sense to invite only DD2. Children of different ages won't always do everything together. Does DD2 go along every time DD1 is invited anywhere?

This is how I see it as well . No other children has been invited except the flower girls which your younger DD is a part of so she’s not the only child that’s excluded really. Myself, DH and DD1 was invited to my friends wedding in December (DD1 was a flower girl). It didn’t occur to me to demand our other 2 kids also go. They were invited eventually when some guests rsvp’d no so it was all good in the end but dh already planned on not going as we don’t have childcare as DD1 had a part and she’s my friend, not his.
I wouldn’t go all out and be mad at dh either because it’s not his fault, it’s not his wedding really.