Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

DH would pay for his attitude in one form or another. How about a weekend away in Paris for you and your daughter? Does she have anything on her 'want' list that is above and beyond?

He needs to see that this is divisive and he should be looking after the people under his roof first and foremost.

Nope. I would end my marriage over this.
Forget the in laws, your Dh is telling you that he doesn’t see the eldest as his own either and that he thinks that this is acceptable. No thank you!

@KeenHiker what does this mean Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.?

Other than that query I would deffo say you have a serious husband issue and I would be disgusted if my husband ever ever said that about our older two children, he wouldn’t dream of it though. In fact when we had our two younger kids I had to say to him that he was being unreasonable when he was annoyed his parents gave more money at Xmas to the younger two (their grandchildren) than the older two (mine from 1st marriage) as he wanted them all treated the same.

In your shoes I would not be attending the wedding and neither would my daughters.

Well unfortunately you can now tell that your eldest isn’t his, he is showing it clearly.

Slagging her father off as well is just gross

OP this is a really hard situation. I genuinely wouldn't know what to do for the best.

I would not want to go either if my eldest was left out, but I wouldn't want my youngest child to miss out on time with there family either. Could your youngest and DP go?

It would be all or none in my house too. I just don't understand how people can be so cruel to children. Your eldest DD is 10, she understands that she's being left out and how anyone, let alone someone who supposedly 'stepped up', would allow this to happen and go along with it is beyond me.

With you OP, I'd be furious too

She isn’t his own, though. And his family clearly don’t see it that way either.

I don’t see my SDC as my own.

I don’t think it’s nice to be left out of the wedding, but this is blended families. Not enough discussion happens about family relationships, then when something goes wrong, people get upset.

Personally, I would do something nice with eldest DC, while DH and youngest went.

Yanbu! That's bad.

Wedding tend to be completely boring for young kids if there aren't a load of other kids to play with, your husband will have to look after and entertain your youngest, plus get them to bed at a reasonable hour. Remind him of this.

Let him know you'll be taking your eldest on some sort of super fun weekend away (so you're not available to help in any way with the prep of your youngest for the wedding). Maybe even let your youngest know that you are doing the super fun weekend and tempt her to come with you so she would prefer to miss the wedding!

But no children have been invited other than the two flower girls.

This isn’t a case of only the OP’s DD being excluded, it’s a case of them having a child free wedding which means that because one of the OP’s DD’s is flower girl, it’s led to the other one being excluded.

If a woman came on here and posted that her DH had refused to let their joint child go to a wedding because his children had been excluded, and that he would divorce her if she didn’t back him up and went, people would be telling her to LTB.

Honestly OP you’re overreacting.

And your DD is his DD as well. He has as much right to take her to the wedding as you have to insist that she not go.

Ugh, how horrible of them to exclude their niece's sibling like this.

No wonder you are upset.

If your marriage is otherwise good then I would be inclined to say fine but make it clear going forward you don't want to be in their company. Then I would plan a super weekend away with my eldest.

Saying that, why should you have to? I don't know how families overcome shit like this. It seems so cruel and unnecessary, builds up a load of resentment and can destroy a marriage over a bloody wedding placement.

I think that the problem is also that the older girl was not asked to be a flower girl.

You are a family, it’s all of you or none of you.

It would be a hill I was willing to die on.

Same here. I’m not sure how you can stop him taking your younger DD without her getting upset though, but I’d be very tempted to book Disneyland Paris for that weekend for you and both your girls and leave a couple of days before the wedding. I would then explain to DD2 that sister has been excluded, in fact I’d do that now.

It’s marriage over as far as I’m concerned because of his comments.

If you can’t do that and DD goes to the wedding, I would take Dd1 elsewhere for something special.

I would do absolutely nothing to get DD2 ready. Needs tights? DH gets them. Dress fittings? DH takes her. I’d make it so inconvenient for him that he’ll regret his attitude.

And I would do nothing for his family ever again, none of them. DH had better like present shopping because he’s doing all of it from now on.

You're angry at wrong persons

You need to speak to Bride and Groom

I would go mad. Yeah exactly, he's stepped up. He CHOSE to raise his step daughter as though she were his own. You can't do that and then exclude her from a big event that all of you are invited to because she's not his 'real' daughter. That's despicable behaviour. I'd make him explain to her why she is being treated like this in her own family. I'm willing to bet he won't.

For god's sake, this isn't your decision to make. DH and flower girl will attend. You simply must not try to sabotage that. It's quite honestly nothing to do with you. You decline for yourself if you want. Divorce him if you want, though it would be ridiculous.

Agree with both parts of this.

My interpretation of the "three years on neither kids have been distinguished..." bit is that this is the first time since the egg incident that BIL and SIL to be have treated OPs 2 daughters any differently - although it sounds like they haven't really been interested in or bothered with either of them rather than treating OPs older daughter as well as her younger one.

Agree they all sound unpleasant.
Bil/sil to use the "if we invite your stepkid we will have to invite other stepsiblings on SILs side and that's 5 extra people" excuse -well yeah sorry that's the issue with weddings, you either have a very small one or if you have a bigger one most end up inviting additional family members so as not to cause ructions. You can't just invite 3 quarters of a family and not the 4th person particularly when she's a 10 year old child!

dh and mil- he can't say he's stepped up but then demonstrate he doesn't actually give a shit and neither of them think of you or your older dd as their "real" family. Either he's "stepped up" and thinks of your older dd as his or he's just patting himself on the back for doing the bare minimum and not treating her like cinderella.

Said in humour rather than pedantry, but divide and concur has really tickled me. Mental images of everyone splitting off into groups agreeing with each other.

OP can do nothing really to influence DH family though. She can influence her own DH. Who cares if the rest of his family are tossers. Its his response and attitude to the older child that is in question here.

I accept that he is willing to let his DW and DSD down and go to the wedding. It shows where his priorities lie. But the OP does not have to accept her older daughter being treated like this and can either make sure older daughter has a weekend to remember instead or a gift of such magnitude they dont give a shit about her step dads sisters poxy wedding.

What nasty bastards. We are a blended family. All of my kids including my steps are treated the same by my family. My kids are treated the same as dh's kids by his family. Anything else is just horrible imo.

One of the most sensible responses I've read here. What a drama queen.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. The only children invited are in the wedding party; it's not like there's 30 kids going to the wedding and your child is the only one left out.

I don't know why on earth you rang your MIL. What does it have to do with her? Sounds like you were trying to stir up trouble for BIL with mummy. I'm glad she had the sense not to get involved.

I wouldn't stop DD from being flowergirl. Why should she miss out on that? Can you guarantee that in the future both your daughters will get equal opportunity for everything? Sometimes one child gets to do something and another one doesn't.

DH and youngest go to the wedding, you and eldest have a nice day out.

I'm surprised by the reaction on here. Stepmums are usually told they shouldn't as much as give a stepchild a lift when it's raining because "the child has two parents of their own".

I can see both sides. They’ve been awful to your eldest over the years, and this is the last straw. However, your younger daughter is both your child, and your husband is right to say she will go with him (if he insists on not seeing the horrible double standards). However, I’d take no part in it. If she needs dress fittings and such, husband takes her. Any practice, anything needs buying, anything at all to do with the wedding - he sorts it all. And yes, take your daughter out somewhere special on the day itself and have nothing to do with BiL in future.

Wow. I really don’t understand why people have to be so mean to family. Whether they are family by marriage or blood or whatever shouldn’t matter. I have three step nephew/nieces by marriage and myself and my parents wouldn’t dream of treating them as anything less than part of our family now. That’s how it should work when you blend families in a wider context.

OP, I would be very disappointed by this, and in my husband for his attitude and behaviour. I don’t think I could be with someone / part of a family that takes this attitude towards others.

Edit. Something similar happened to my family when I was younger. I was asked to be bridesmaid at a wedding but my sibling (not a stepchild or anything) wasn’t invited. The invitation was declined by my parents and none of us went.