Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

Are you ok with the 'D' H's comment ' that's the thanks I get for stepping up'? Because I wouldn't be. He needs to tell his brother NO or I would be flinging him out on his ear. OP, stand firm. Ignore the people who say that your DH bears no responsibility. Either he steps up and tells his family that both kids are invited or none of you are going, or it's curtains. He needs to grow a spine, stat, and also not expect pats on the back for looking after your elder child. If he didn't want to be a stepdad, he shouldn't have got with a woman who had a child.

Firstly, there is no need to involve your mother in law. This has nothing to do with her, you are putting her in a difficult situation and she is right to remain neutral.

Secondly, your DH and DD should attend the wedding.
Your DD hasn't been excluded from what I've read, other children in the family are not invited either. It's just the children who are Part of the wedding party that are attending, right?

This is not a childfree wedding if there are children present. It’s fine to limit guest lists but couples cannot be so inflexible that common sense can’t penetrate. Inviting 3/4 of a family unit and leaving out a child was never going to go down well. If it was that much of a problem, they should have just invited OP and her husband.

@Tessasanderson has hit the high points quite well. Op emotions are high. I would not blow up my life over this (marriage and children). Flower girl is a special life experience and doesn’t happen for many because of the narrow window of age. DD2 will be flower girl. Going against the grain here I would in fact manage all the fittings accessories and prepare her for her role. I would want HER to have everything she needs and feel proud confident and happy. DH will manage on the day or wedding planner or a mum who will help her “at the top of the aisle”. I’m sad you won’t see her but pictures yes. It is odd to me to exclude one member of a family. Surely a 10 yr old cannot be left alone so DM will stay home with her. That’s your role. To me this is
not New York or Disney but definetly a special weekend for you both. I would not want DD2 to feel she was missing out just like I don’t want DD1 to feel she is missing out. I would talk from the heart to DD1 about the wedding and your feelings about not including everyone You know what to say and then plan an equally memorable weekend for you two. As for lc or nc with the IL or DH treatment of DD1 I would exam that at a future time after consideration.

Absolutely that’s what I meant by explaining up front. It’s the only error I can see. They should have explained to the parents it is a child free wedding apart from the two flower girls and would they mind, they clearly haven’t thought it through.

posters should not it’s all the kids being excluded, not just the ops. It’s a child free wedding. Which as said, I really dislike and disagree with, but understand it is quite common, and I guess to cut costs.

i also don’t agree with the ops behaviour, i don’t think she remotely intends to divorce, she is just trying to bully her husband so i can see why he told her to do one. I’d also have dug my heels in if my husband did that to me.

and trying to get her mil involved to give them a bollocking is the most childish thing I’ve read.

He should take both girls or not go.
Why do SM's have to include their SC in every thing involving their families yet Step dad's are given permission (on MN at least), to exclude their SC from such events. What happened to " they are family and should be treated as such" that SM's are told on here time and time again?

The elder daughter doesnt need dragging around as well, there are two adults to manage two kids, not dragging the eldest around isnt the same thing as washing your hands of the youngests involvement. Again, you are all suggesting Op opt out and this is really only to the detriment of the youngest.

The bride and groom are entitled to invite whoever they want, but they should not have
asked child to be flower girl without clearing it with parents first - you could've had previous arrangements and kid would be disappointed to be asked then not able to take part.

I do get them not wanting kids/ babies present but in that case why have any extra child attendants? Why not just their own 14yo?

I’m assuming if they had invited OP, husband and none of the kids that would be fine.

I agree with the MIL keeping out if it - she cannot win regardless. Bad news for husband, I understand he wants to be part of brothers wedding but he really is in a position.

Think you should tell your husband to either not go at all, go alone or go with DD and leave after meal/early evening to get her home or choose to not go at all, but leave it up to him. Whatever he chooses I would try not to cast up or fall out about it, but he should be big enough to apologise for the “stepping up” comment and slagging off ex - not necessary IMO.

I would not be politely lying to in-laws about reasons for non-attendance if asked.

so youre all supposed to trot appily to a wedding and leave your dd beind?

Good point!

I also don’t see why the eldest has to be dragged around, the husband can do the fittings or the sil pick up the youngest. No need foe the eldest to be there.

Yes, that'll really show the youngest just how unreasonable it is that she has been asked to be a bridesmaid.

Do you all think these ideas are clever? Its embarrassing.

I dont agree with the eldest being left out, but lets think beyond spite towards the youngest.

No it's not.

He's not standing up for his wife or stepdaughter.

He's telling her she's not his family

I can see your point. Really they should have discussed with you and dh before asking your youngest to be a flower girl and explained about the no child rule. You now have one child excited to be flower girl and her sibling completely excluded and that’s unfair. Particularly in a household where your dh has stepped into parent your eldest. I would take a few days to think it through. Maybe he can go on his own. Or take youngest with him. But in your position I wouldn’t go and would make sure you and the eldest have an amazing day doing something else. I would be expecting dh to have the we are a family conversation and would be disappointed if he didn’t do this with his sibling.

"It takes a special kind of arsehole to treat a 10 year old significantly worse than her sister just because she has a different dad." Page 1 of thread, sums it all up. She's 10 years old. What a bunch of prize arseholes. And as for your husband "stepping up" - well, all cut from the same cloth. No way would I like this spiteful bride play dollies with my younger DD.

I think as others have suggested your DH and dd2 go, he facilitates everything associated with the wedding including the logistics of the actual day. Take DD1 out and do something super special.

i think this situation is incredibly unkind. Child free or not they are excluding just one member of the family who are part of immediate family. Yes bride and groom can choose what they want to do, they are also adults so should understand those choices may have consequences.

id also take a massive step back because they have clearly told you what they think and I’m a believer in listening to those messages.

Not in my eyes

You're either family together or you're not.

And you can do that whilst not stepping on birth parents' toes

I literally have not suggested she needs to be there at all, did you read my post? Everyone is telling OP to wash her hands of it all. There is a difference between having some input for the benefit of the youngest, even if its from a distance, and saying sod you all.

Yes but him choosing the people who have left out his SD is completely wrong.

I am about to officially have two step nephews (brother is engaged, not married yet, to a woman who has 2 children from a previous relationship).

I do treat them different to my biological nephew my brother has with his finance. They have a whole other family on their dad’s side to treat them, invite them to weddings etc!!

My brothers fiancé does not want any different either, I regularly go out with just my bio nephew, I don’t buy gifts for their birthdays, but will send them a small token gift at Christmas (selection box etc).

Thats just how blended families operate IMO. The two elder boys don’t bat an eyelid. Likewise when they are at their dads for the weekend, they don’t care that my brother and his fiancé do things together just with their shared child.

My brother rightly takes all 3 boys out together, even by himself, if he is initiating a day out and they are not at their dads.

I suspect there is a back story about how your ex isn’t a good parent and your eldest doesn’t see her family on her dads side?

I don't think there's anything you can do besides:

Don't attend yourself
Give your oldest a day and night to remember on the day.
"No, DH, I don't want to hear about any planning or wedding at all thanks. By all means talk to little one; but in private please. Our eldest and I are having nothing to do with it"

Husbands responsibilities:
Responding to invite - don't nag or say a word
ALL dress fittings etc required
Looking after child all day and night (although I bet your MIL will step in - mine would 🙄)
Gift buying
Transport and accommodation

I can totally understand why you're hurt. This would be the end for me with BIL and SIL, and I'd be very very angry with husband, but give it time to see how you feel regarding him.

I think you're confused, its the eldest who is the target of the family's spite!

Lol, you literally cant, mums only want what suits them, when it suits them. 24 hour on demand childcare, dont dare leave my baby out, but how dare you act like a caring parent to my child, who do you think you are.

He would not be making ANYTHING clear how dare he?! Either both kids take part in proceedings or neither

I think you are over reacting a bit and I cannot see why it is your DHs fault although his comment about him stepping up was unnecessary. I can see why your oldest felt left out but as DHs family obviously do distinguish between full biological kids of your DH and his stepdaughter she may need to get used to it unless you actually do divorce him.

If I were you I would not facilitate the wedding at all. Let your DH sort out arrangements with his DB and SIL re your youngest and you and your eldest go and do something nice on the day. Unpleasant but I cannot see why it is grounds for divorce.