Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

Yes. Let's see how keen he is to do everything required before and during the wedding to take care of his child. I wonder if he'll be assuming he can have a good old drink and leave the childcare to OP.
Another reason for her not to go.

I think this would actually be a deal breaker for me with DH; I have a stepchild and I just would not allow my sibling to treat them this way. I feel like your DH is making it clear that your oldest is not really part of the family. I thought it was going to be that your oldest wasn’t part of the wedding party which seemed cruel but not to be going at all when the rest of you are going to be getting dressed up, your youngest will be excited and all having a party, just no.

If your Husband is close to his Brother - how on earth did he or his fiancé not know that you had a child (regardless of whether the child is biologically his). If they didnt know then they can be forgiven for not getting a child they didnt know about a personalised Easter Egg.

In what universe are stepmums told not to give their (step) child a lift?! That's insane.

No kids are going aside from the little flower girls, is that right?

I wouldn't be happy about this and would let your youngest still be a flower girl but DH would have to take all responsibility for anything to do with the wedding. This would leave you with time to have some special time with your eldest, maybe you could go away for the weekend of the wedding?

@Ponoka7
There isca huge difference between a woman working full time who has been looking after her SC for A Whole Year ( on the mum's time, too) who can't do it any.more eithout compromising her own incone stream. And a SIL who arranges a wedding to which three out of the four members of the OP's family are invited, but not the SC.

Do you really not see the difference between deciding you can't be a childminder 5 days a week, every other week while working full time for a child you care for the other 26 weeks of the year - a professional decision the likes of which all working mothers make for their own children, let alone anyone else's - and a SIL spitefully excluding a child from an occasion that the rest of her family are invited to?

I think I would actually leave dh if he went to that wedding and took the youngest.

I will never understand how some people are so callous. What kind of person do you have to be to be so thoughtless that you forget the feelings of a child.

You are right to be upset and you definitely have a DH problem. Do not give it any more of your attention. He can go on his own but you and your daughters do not have to be involved. I personally wouldn’t bother with his family going forward.

I can see why MIL isn't getting involved - though I do think it would have been appropriate to do heads up to you either from her or her getting bride to run it past you first before asking your youngest DD about being a flower girl.

I would probably have sent DH and youngest to wedding and arranged something with you and eldest - something grown up - however given what your DH said now about your eldest DD I think it's a much bigger issue.

@KeenHiker i think its time to take a step back and let your DH realise his own shortcomings whilst you do the same. To threaten LTB is a bit extreme if he has in all other ways been a good father to his step daughter. Everyone is capable of saying something in the heat of the moment.

Be the calm one and agree, as per the general points on here, that he is welcome to take the youngest DD to the wedding if that is how he wishes. You of course dont agree but you understand his wishes. He therefore should understand that your priority with regards to the wedding is your older daughter. You will not be going to the wedding as you will be doing something to entertain older daughter.

And leave it at that........

Whilst DH is busy with
Dress fitting for youngest daughter = Taking older daughter shopping for a couple of new outfits
Shoe fitting for youngest daughter = New shoes for older daughter
Rehearsal day for flower girls/wedding = Pamper day at health spa for you and your daughter.

Day of wedding comes and my guess is younger daughter will be palmed off onto a load of strangers who act like family but really wont be arsed. DH will then end up daddy dancing with DD wondering if you and older DD are having a good time doing whatever magical day you have arranged.

It is a difficult one. I have never experienced a blended family so can’t really say what is right.

I think your husband probably has to attend his brother’s wedding and your youngest will want to be a flower girl. I think you should not go and do something nice with your older daughter instead. But I would be upset and have very little to do with that family now.

Ten is still young enough for you to swallow your feelings and reframe it to her in a way that she can accept. Wedding guest numbers etc. You can make her feel better about it and have a great day out, should you choose to.

Regarding divorce, you would be divorcing him because of the hurt caused towards your eldest daughter in this wedding scenario. The thing to consider is what would cause her more hurt eventually, her dad and sister going to the wedding or her parents getting divorced over this? You need to weigh it all up.

@MayThe4th

I agree with this. Your daughter isn't the only one being excluded. Alain the weddings I've been to flower girls have been really little like 6 or under so I wouldn't expect a 10 year old to be asked.

If I were you I would let your husband take the littlest and you and your older daughter plan a really fun day for the two of you.

I don't see the need to argue with your partner over it personally.

While the bulk of your anger should rightly fall on the couple and your DH, your MIL is spineless. My ears are ringing just thinking about what my Mum would say to me if I pulled something like this.

Yes, let the little girl who is likely really excited by all this have a really shit time just to spite the adults. That seems like the right thing to do.

Hed have to be a really poor father for his daughter to view his 1:1 attention and a day with daddy as a really shit time.

Absolutely this !
And I would bet when DP realises how much work going to dress fittings etc and spending all day looking after youngest DD at the wedding without your help is going to be, he will beg SIL and BIL to include you all.
Make sure you plan a great day and night with your eldest and leave it at that.

Who said the little girl should have a really shit time. Its her DH responsibility to make sure this is not the case. He just needs to be a normal father and ensure she gets taken to all the fittings & rehearsals.

That isnt the point people are making though is it, they are working on the assumption that, like most fathers, the dirty work is left to mum, i.e. organising appointments, making sure child has the right tights etc. The suggestion is fuck him, let him work it all out and the end result will be that it is the child who suffers when she doesnt have the tights and feels silly because hes bought wrong sizes, or she hasnt made it to fittings etc.

@Prydddan but posters were agreeing that she shouldn't ask her mum because her mum wanted time with her GC, which the stepchild wasn't. The OP was told that she shouldn't even offer to have her dropped at hers by wrap around care.

While the bulk of your anger should rightly fall on the couple and your DH, your MIL is spineless. My ears are ringing just thinking about what my Mum would say to me if I pulled something like this.

But MIL isn't the bride's mother, is she, so there isn't much she can do about it.

I found your OP really hard to read as I'm not sure who you're referring to most of the time.

But I think I got the gist of it: your DD10 is being excluded from the wedding. I think inviting half a family is pretty shite, but it also seems to be a child-free wedding other than those in the wedding party. All those other children that haven't been invited, are they your SIL's sister's kids? Or some other children? Who is "her own daughter"? Your SIL's?

It’s pretty hurtful to leave one person out of an invitation and have your youngest as a focal part of the wedding and your oldest not even there, how can you enjoy the day knowing your child is missing out then her sister tells her what a fun time she had, it wouldn’t be her fault as a child but your older child is only 10. If you don’t go, your husband will need to watch your youngest and make sure she’s fed and safe all day on his own.

So let him I guess, I wouldn’t go as I would like to see my daughter as a flower girl but equally wouldn’t want my other daughter upset at grandparents etc. does your husband not want you there? Seems a strange man who wouldn’t stick up for a bloody 10 year old who he apparently ‘stepped’ up for. Clearly he’s made his real feelings clear in how he’s behaved. I just don’t understand people who would rather cause upset and hurt with close family than invite a 10 year old child to a wedding with her sibling and family.

But no children have been invited other than the two flower girls.

If people want a child-free wedding, then they should not ask children to be in the wedding unless they are willing to include siblings of those children.

i may have missed it, but if you had been ok with your elder DD not going, were you actually invited yourself? And expected to send your DD to her dads/another family member whilst the 3 of you went to the family wedding?

what a shit way to treat your DD if that was the case!