Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

I don't have a blended family but it seems obvious to me that part of parenting in a blended family is to help your kids cope with the fact that they aren't always going to be treated the same by everyone
In general I agree with this.

Other posters have pointed out many recent threads about expectations on wider family as far as step children are concerned and I suspect the responses vary so wildly based on what people would think is advantageous to them/their DC in each situation, when in reality every blended family situation is different. Different adults, different relationships, different children, different wider family relationships.

It strikes me what a lot of those threads have in common is a belief that the romantic relationship between two adults places an obligation on their wider family to think, feel and act a certain way.

Edit to add - I actually think BIL and his fiance are being unreasonable by not inviting the two sisters in this situation. I'd probably have both as flower girls and maintain the line that the only children are those in the wedding party.

Its a tough one, but I dont think you can stop DH taking the youngest.

I would be letting DH know that you will not be attending the wedding and you are planning a weekend away with your eldest.

I dont think I would end the entire marriage over it. But I would be letting DH know I wasnt happy about it and would be limiting contact with the BIL and his wife in the future.

Just as a comparison, I had a boyfriend in the past where my DS was invited along to a family dinner. Despite never even meeting my DS before, they had bought him an Easter gift so he could have one alongside the other kids there.
I also had another boyfriend before who had never met my DS and had bought him a Christmas present.

People's actions show how kind they really are.

My DH is stepfather to our two eldest, since they were six and eight respectively.

If his side of the family tried to pull this kind of shit he would not stand for it and most certainly would not attend the wedding.

Oh that's really sad.

I think in your shoes I'd tell DH he can attend but I wouldn't go and neither of my kids either.

So if you had 2 kids (full siblings) you'd agree it's fine for the youngest 1 to be invited to a big family party because they're small and cute so can perform a specific "role," plus mum and dad, but the older one to sit at home with a babysitter? And not expect a ten year old to find that upsetting? Come on!

No reasonable parent would ever agree to 3/4 of their family being invited to a family event and 1 child being left out.

In this case the only way theyve justified it is that the left out child isn't "really" a member of the family. Which when until now everyone acted as though she WAS (different to a situation where the kids perhaps don't live with the "new" family full time, or the difference between parent and step parent is clearly defined, and the dh doesn't go around bragging that he's "stepped up" as a dad to her) is very cruel..

You should make it very clear that, no she is not. I disagree with other posters that she should go and think it sends a bad message.

In life we will all be involved in situations where we can go along with something unnecessarily unkind which might result in some enjoyment or benefit. No one makes the right decision all the time, but not going and explaining why (not in an angry way) will teach her how to put things in perspective and to value empathy and kindness. Yes, she shouldn’t prioritise the feelings of her family in all situations but her sister’s hurt feelings are more important than this wedding.

You have a DH problem . His attitude stinks. I would avoid BIL and SIL like the plague from now on.
DH should be sending the message that you come as a family and say it’s both daughters or neither to attend. They should find a space for the Best man’s other child.

Yes I would seriously consider my marriage at this point. I can’t bear disloyalty.
I think this is the time for you to take DD1 for a lovely trip.

I'd tell DH it's up to him if he accepts or not but I wouldn't go and neither would any of my DC. It's really shitty to be so nasty to a DC who has done nothing wrong. I'd be taking both my DC out for the day somewhere nice and I'd be disappointed if DH didn't come with us. Also I'd not socialise with these nasty people again either. How dare they snub your DD. I'm lucky because my in-laws have always treated my 3 DC as their own DGC. My DH wouldn't tolerate them being snubbed. As far as he's concerned they are our DC. I know my MiL has my DC in her will too. She's very close to them. Over the years my in-laws have had them up to stay for a weeks holiday every summer because she lives by the seaside. My DC are adults now and often drive 150 miles to see their Nan who lives alone now her DH has died.

Yonks ago my sister was a flower girl for my aunt, I wasn't invited as it was childfree (unusual at the time) and I just stayed with a maternal aunt that day - all good.

Your situation sounds different though, how could your BIL never even mention your eldest? Why were neither you or your husband consulted before they asked a child to be a flower girl? How old are your children?

The reason they gave sounds less about it being childfree but more that they would have to invite other step-relations. Is it a small wedding otherwise?

I wasn't clear if the other flower girl is the daughter of the brides sister, the stepdaughter of the brides sister or the daughter of the bride?

She doesn't have to have a really shit time though, does she? Her dad and his sister can do it; and, if they don't rise to the occasion, that's hardly the OP's fault.

I don't see why a little girl who is really upset by the situation should have a really shit time being dragged around to (or hearing about, second-hand) dress fittings, shoe shopping and all the rest. That would be an extra level of cruel, and I for one as a mother would not do that to my child. Seems like the right thing to do, to withdraw from the situation completely, in the OP's situation.

It is not too early, either, for the younger DD to learn something about loyalty to family.

Ouch, I can absolutely understand why you're upset by this, your poor DD, how sad. However, it's not really your husbands fault, it's not up to him who his brother invites to his wedding, I do kind of get they had to draw a line somewhere with kids and I think YABU expecting your dh shouldn't go to the wedding and depriving your younger DD of being a flower girl. I would plan a really nice day out (and maybe night away) for you and older DD and rsvp saying only dh and younger dd will be attending the wedding. Unfortunately I think it's just one of those things you have to navigate when you have a broken family

OP take your DD's to Eurodisney for a long weekend on weekend of the wedding.

It doesn’t really matter which of the couple is her child. Either way, they’re adults and don’t have to take what she says into consideration. She can acknowledge that and still let them know it is unkind, disappointing and thoughtless behaviour. It doesn’t have to be a prolonged conversation, but it might make them think.

I’m also not sure , there is a lot of words here, but the long and short of it is, this is a child free wedding apart from the two flower girls. And it’s not on you to say they don’t need to invite the two older kids. And that’s treating them like you object to yours being treated.

I can see what they have done, even though I personally do not agree with child free weddings, but accept it’s the bride and grooms decision.

the mistake I think they made is they should have explained that up front.

I would not demand my husband isn’t best man for his brother and threaten divorce as a way to manipulate him into that, nor would i have tried to get my mil involved and acted like a child telling mummy. I can’t even beleive you wrote you wished her to give him a bollocking. You are not 12.

sorry , but for me, this would not be the hill I die on. I would say to my daughter it is a child free wedding though apart from the two flower girls, and stay home with her, do something special together.

Little one has been asked to be flower girl. She is excited. Not fair to take this away from her.
However dd10 has not even been invited to the wedding and is upset. This is really not fair. You are therefore not going because you are staying with dd10.

As pp have said. Dh can handle all wedding related stuff. You and dd10 are going to do something special together each time little dd is needed.

Can you afford to go away with dd10 for the week leading up to the wedding? Do an all inclusive to Majorca? Do some nice excursions, pool days, beach days. Relax & just have fun.
This will keep you well out of the way for any last minute pre wedding drama. You will not be around to "oh can you just . . ."
It will slowly dawn on dh that he has to actually solo parent for this wedding. He may well try to palm off dd on his mother. She will be handed back for most of the reception as his mother will not want to be a constant babysitter. She will want to enjoy being mother of the groom. He will have to stay mainly sober. He will have to have an early night when dd is shattered & wants to go to bed.

You will return happy, tanned & relaxed after having a week of 1 to 1 with dd10. He will be somewhat knackered after the wedding and a week of doing all of the parenting, and hopefully a bit more appreciative of what you actually do all the time.

They are not 12 and the bride and groom can choose to have a child free wedding. The only error they made was not explaining that up front.

My dad's family welcomed my older brother and sister as if they were their own. Both came on all holidays and were invited away to everything. No one was left out.

No kid ever should be left out.

My nephew has younger siblings that aren't related to me. I still buy them birthday and Christmas presents.

I am on your side op.

My stance would be that I am not going, Dh can take youngest DD but understand that he has best man duties so someone else will be looking after her all day. Point that out to him, he can't be drinking and in charge of a young child. It also means all dress fittings and rehearsals are all down to your Dh as you are not going to involve yourself. Or she isn't a flower girl because you are not comfortable that no parent will be there to look after her on the day, she would be palmed off between relatives.

Moving forward I wouldn't be doing anything with his family from now on. As for eldest DD take her somewhere amazing, treat her, go overboard because this is truly shitty behaviour from Dh's family.

No way would I allow one of my children to be a flower girl while the other was excluded. Fuck that.

Your DH sounds like a wet blanket. He can stand up to you and put his foot down to you but not his brother?

Let your youngest go as she’s clearly excited about being flower girl but I would take DD away for the wkend and have a lovely time together. I would also never so much as look at his brother and SIL again. They would be dead to me

I think it all depends on how close rhe family is, how much your DD is integrated etc, what is the exH involvement with DD and how much time does she spend with "this" family vs other family.
For context, if my sister got married the kids of my DP would not be invited. She doesn't know them particularly well, has no particular relationship with them and they do not spend lots of time with us. So it would stand to reason that they wouldn't be invited.
On the other hand my DS has been invited to everything that my exH new wife family do. Again fairly normal as he's 50 50 with them and they have bought him Xmas presents etc.

Not sure this is a divorcing matter mind you. You'll just create even more complicated family situations too!

Maybe try to talk to DH and acknowledge that he's in a difficult situation that his brother has put him in. Sometimes starting with that means the other person relaxes and then starts being reasonable and solving in a different way without immediately being on the defensive

If my mum offered to pick my grandchild up after school on a regular basis so she could spend quality time with her, and then someone else picked up on the arrangement and tried to get me to get my DM to take their child too, because (unlike the rest of the working world) they hadn't bothered to arrange proper childcare, for over a year... I would consider it the height of cheek, and I wouldn't ask her either.

Why put her in an awkward spot? Why make her regret the favour she does for their daughter? Why turn a social arrangement, in which a GM spends bonding time with her GC, into an after-school care club?

It is part of that mindset, isn't it, that says a SM (and by extension, her parents) shouldn't want one-on-one time with their own gene pool now and then, when it is actually the most natural thing in the world.

That’s a brutal exclusion.

This is so thoughtless - your poor DD.

You can’t stop DH going to the wedding and if he’s insisting that DD2 goes too then just leave them to it. Decline the invitation & have absolutely nothing to do with the organising of it at all.

If I was you, I’d take DD1 away for the entire weekend. Did someone mention Paris? I went there on my own with my 10yr old once and we had the most amazing time.

Oh I’d have absolutely nothing to do with BIL & SIL after this as well. Screw playing happy families if that is how they treat you.

They also should not have asked dd2 to be a flower girl without checking with parents first. Two of mine have been flower girl / page boy. The relative having them asked parents first and then asked the kids. Anything else is appalling.