To love but not like my adult son.

[redcloudsunshine]

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

get him therapy. He clearly needs it as he won’t listen to you and he needs a professional to help him get the support he needs as this mindset isn’t healthy for a young man. I read all your posts OP and growing with one parent with depression has clearly affected him. So offer to pay for his therapy and hope he accepts it.

Your ex may have heavily influenced him but you're actively and willingly playing the part that he thinks women should play

You're not being a positive role model to your daughter's. You're showing them that this is acceptable.

The fact that he has gone back to college isn't a good enough excuse to allow him to continue living in your home. If he chooses to give it up, that's his choice. Yes he'll blame you but by the sounds of it, he'd blame you for any misfortune in his miserable life. So you've nothing to lose by showing him the door.

You have to options really:
Get rid and quickly or put up with it and suck it up.

I agree and disagree with this, OP.
You don’t ask him, you tell him to move out.
Give him two weeks to get out. And stick to your guns. You don’t have to have a reason other than he’s 24 and far too old to be living at home like a little boy.

All the while you play up to him you are enabling his behaviour. It does not matter what his Dad does or did, we all have choices in life. Make him become a man and throw him out. Why suffer his short fall when you have enough to deal with anyway ?

The sooner he learns life skills the better the outcome will be. He probably knows inside he is a mediocre man, not attractive to any future partner because of his lack of independence and domestic skills. That’s probably why he finds the misogynistic stuff on the internet attractive.

I taught my son to do his own washing when he was 8 when I first became a single parent - machines are easy to use. He cooks as well. It’s something he enjoys doing. He takes photos of his creations. Being independent and doing things for yourself generates self pride and that’s probably why your son is unhappy and projecting in the form of hatred for women.

I would possibly get counselling for yourself for codependency. You come across as reluctant to let go of doing everything for him in case you lose him. It seems a pattern - the step mother does the same for your ex. Did you use to do that too when you were married? It can be difficult to extricate yourself out without being aware of what it is that’s making you wait on him hand and foot.

Absolutely this - you have allowed this to go on for far too long.

OP here in Australia there are specialist therapy services for people/families affected by extremist grooming... think young men caught up in neonazism, ISIS, as well as this misogynist muck. Might be worth checking if there's anything similar where you are. Because once people get caught in these ways of thinking, they are quite circular and self-fulfilling.

It's similar to an addiction or other mental health issue in that there's bugger all you can do to make someone else change - but you absolutely can and should set very firm boundaries around what you will/won't do to enable them, and the behaviours that are acceptable in your home & relationships. It sounds like it's tough for you to set those boundaries. Even admitting in the privacy of your own mind that you don't like this felt like you were being a 'monster'. I strongly suggest you seek therapy yourself to help you make really strong & informed decisions about how to move forward in this situation. I strongly suggest a counsellor trained and experienced in dealing with addiction & abuse in families.

I understand that but, as soon as he is able, he must move out, redcloudsunshine. You have to make that clear and stop doing everything for him, he's not a kid any more even if he acts like one.

Time for him to leave home.

His dad had him at weekends you had him a majority of the time , people don't always like their kids at times, shout back at him , remind him of who you are he might have issues with you being remarried try talking with him take him away from home to do this , Try before you say bye 👋 I didn't particularly like my daughter for a time so I told her I love her but I can't like her whilst she was being disrespectful , she did take it on board after me repeating the conversation over a few months ,tell him you are in the verge of taking him flat hunting or room share. Women* w

This

He needs a reality check, he's got away with this far too long. He's 24! If he's making everyone unhappy, he needs to leave. It will suck, you will probably miss him terribly and worry sick - the alternative is that you keep enabling him and he never changes.

You've tried to get through to him, he's left you no choice and you've nothing to feel guilty about!

What you're really looking for is permission to kick him out. Tell him to move in with dad, while he's going through his "angry, anti-social stage" (yeah, he might of been going through it for years, but so what?). Tell him he's welcome to stay one or two weekends a month with you. But for his sake and the sake of your two daughters he needs to move in with dad. Be grateful there's somewhere to send him. The message he really needs to learn is that people will become sick of his bad behaviour. He'll be angry for a year or two. But think of all the peace and quiet and happiness you'll have.

24?!! Good grief! You are colluding with him by tolerating his despicable behaviour. He should leave your home ASAP, start paying his own way and do some much needed growing up.

"Living with his dad isn't an option full time, he's tried that and didn't get on with his step mum"

He doesn't get on with your or your husband either, and I don't for one minute think he shows his sisters any respect if he doesn't have any for you. It must be desperately sad for you as a mother, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. Everyone else in the house will thank you, I'm sure!

For what it's worth, I'm not against adult children living with parents - but I am against them behaving like actual children. (And that's without the misogyny around your girls.)

Stop facilitating him and making excuses for him. Even if he's at college he can live out, room share etc. it's not fair your daughters having to listen to his garbage

I would not tolerate misogyny in my house. 1) my own self respect demands that I don't, and if I had daughters in the house, 2) for their sake I would not put up with it- it's insulting and threatening to them in their own home, and teaches them to tolerate things that they should absolutely never, ever put up with, which is dangerous; they need to be brought up to consider any such attitudes a red flag with AVOID written on it, or they will one day put themselves and maybe your grandchildren, if they have any, at serious risk of harm, physical or mental.
He need to be given his marching orders. Now.
Edit: re the college course. His problem, not yours. It cannot be used as an excuse for him staying in your house. And I say that as a teacher.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't

WHY the actual fuck are you doing this? I'm sorry OP but you're part of the problem by doting on him as if he's a baby, no wonder he has no respect for women if he thinks they're his slaves...

Grow a spine and send him packing, send him to his dads. You shouldn’t allow him to treat you with such disrespect, especially in your own home and in front of your daughters. Imagine what they are taking from all of this, a misogynistic pig of a brother who runs all over their mum. Not a chance, give him a few months to find alternative accommodation or sign on and find and place. Behaviour and blatant disrespect shouldn’t be tolerated, especially when he’s 24! Stop pandering to the cretin and get rid.

Omg,why on earth are you giving him houseroom??? He’s 24,turf him out and let him learn his lesson. I know you love him,but the way he behaves is disgusting. You have done more than enough for him,take your own life back and show him the door. You never know,it might be the making of him.

Does he intimidate you? Don't let him ! Time to exert yr authority as a mum .I pray that God will give you confidence, courage and strength to lay yr rules down. God bless you and yr family.

My parents stopped cooking all my meals and doing all my laundry at 14. I had my first job at 15. By the time I got to uni I knew exactly how to look after myself and be self sufficient.

Attitude aside, he should be cooking meals, doing his own food shopping and doing his own laundry. You’ve enabled a sexist slob to take you for granted. Stop blaming his dad.

Hey I wonder why he didn't get along with SM! He needs to go.

Definitely time for him to go - he’s old enough to fend for himself and that kind of attitude needs stamping out if he’s going to make something of himself …. He won’t listen to the people who are literally keeping a roof over his head and putting food in his belly so out you go - actions have consequences and when you ‘bite the hand that feeds you’ as an adult, you learn the hard way and fast!

My ex was like this towards women and once I realised, I left him and have never looked back. Last I heard, he was living in a hotel courtesy of the tax payer and obviously it’s all my fault for leaving him (I worked, he didn’t)…. 15 years after leaving him, he’s still blaming me to anyone who will listen instead of actually getting a job and treating women with respect

Throw him out he's a grown ass adult not a chance I'd be putting up with that sh!t son or not .
If you want to be a doormat though you do you just stop complaining about it and looking for sympathy for a situation easily rectified but you refuse to do it 🤷‍♀️
And I feel extra sorry for your daughters and any poor women unfortunate enough to get involved with him !!!