To love but not like my adult son.

[redcloudsunshine]

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

This didn’t happen overnight. Was he always a bit difficult, a bit different, a bit selfish?

If you love him don't give up on him. There is still time to turn him into someone you can like.

It is completely unacceptable to let your daughters see him speak to you like that and for a grown man not to be contributing and doing the household chores. You need to put your foot down and set some boundaries. And he needs to grow up and learn how to look after himself for his own self esteem. Why have you not done this already? Perhaps there is a bit of you that is trying to keep him as a child?

Late to the thread but this is what happens when mothers try to be the perfect little Stepford housewife around their kids. No wonder he lacks respect for women if that is what he has grown up with. He abuses you but you continue to take it and wait on him hand and foot.

My adult son is very ‘alpha’ but he’s always seen me and his dad work as a team. We mentored him to be independent way before he left secondary school and does not expect - or see - women as domestic drones because that was never modelled in our house.

As pp have said STOP doing everything for him and ignore him. Get your DH to step up. Focus on your dds. You, AND your DH, refusing to conform to these regressive and old fashioned gender stereotypes is the most empowering thing you can do for them. Your son is a lost cause I’m afraid.

Yes I think this is so true, there is a lot of malign misogyny out there on-line just waiting for insecure young males to soak up; it’s so much simpler to blame everything on women and direct your fears at them, than actually wrestle with the question of what it means to be male in 2024. You sound like a great mum SometimesIchangemyname.

Hold strong op. It’s very difficult but you have to let go of your fear of losing him altogether because allowing him to live at home with you is indulging and weakening his character. He needs to go through the painful process of having the corners knocked off and the more you delay it the more painful it will be. I agree there is still time for him to improve as adult brains don’t stop growing until about 24 or 25 years of age. Having to survive on his own will be the humbling experience which he needs right now.

OP

Sadly, too many freeloader adult children around. They will blame you for anyhting and everything. Come the time you tell them to leave - the atmosphere will almost certainly become worse and make you look/feel awful, blame you for all their woes and that you never liked them. They can change to be nice when you keep on doing as they tell you - they will bad mouth you to anyone that will listen to him/them and blame you for them being like they are

They will cry, get upset when they have to leave as they are freeloaders and if and once they agree, there will be times you feel awful and ask them to stay - bottom line is they need to stand on their own two feet. Worryingly, they may start suggesting they will top themselves etc - often these types are seriously nasty and as they are your own, its really difficult to deal with it

You may also get interference from family and often, your children's cousins, at least one of them will be winding them up as will be so called friend

Solution - kick them out and often, they see the light

He’s 24, pack his bags and chuck him out. He’ll very quickly readjust his attitude to life.

Going to play devils advocate here. He probably didn't just 'get it from his father who he saw every other weekend's probably also got it from the mother who didn't set boundrys/save money to help him leave home, the step father who moved into another family following a break up & fathered his own kids, grandparents who didnt have 'modern relationships' & schooling/friends he assosiated with.

All in all if he's going into management he needs help managing his own life away from home - dont just kick him out like others will say - teach him to sort himself out like a normal parent would

The most loving thing you could do is to get him to leave.

Agree with a lot of what you say. My two dc visit in the holidays from university and they have come back much nicer, more cooperative, more appreciative people, than when they left! They do still try and lecture me about academic matters as though I don’t have a brain in my head but I just listen and ask questions rather than tell them I studied the same thing 40 years ago! 😃

I do think that society in general has to hold some collective responsibility for “freeloading young adults” as the part time casual jobs, and the cheap accommodation that existed when we were young, seems to have disappeared.

I’m prepared to stand corrected on this and I know it’s a massive generalisation, but It’s interesting that in cultures where multi-generational living is the norm, the family structure tends to be quite hierarchical and strict.

So from now on do not cook, do his washing, make packed lunch etc for him. I’m assuming he has his own room so anything of his that is left in the house just put in his room. Coat /shoes/bag, paperwork etc.
he can do his own food shop, charge his rent Depending on his wages. 25% of earnings is not unreasonable. He is no team player in your family which he has proven by being like he is. Can you set a date where he needs to have secured himself new lodgings? I know I sound harsh but he sounds like he completely controls your home and this is no good for anyone.

He isn't 'very young' ffs. 🙄

There is nothing to suggest he needs therapy. Someone who has nasty views, is lazy self entitled, but content with their views doesn’t need therapy, they need boundaries and to have to deal with the consequences of their behaviour. Why do some people immediately jump to ‘therapy’ for the person behaving badly? If anyone needs therapy, it’s the poor mother in this situation.

I was in a very similar position to you recently, my son walked out after I refused to adjust my boundaries, I'm finding the guilt overwhelming but I have a young daughter and feel I had to put her first although it makes me feel like an awful mum to my son. Your words resonate it's sometimes nice to know we are not alone in our struggles.

Send him to live with Dad… simple solution.

Hi @redcloudsunshine I agree with @bathinginbeans your son sounds as though he may be a vulnerable adult? If this is the case, he needs support in becoming a self sufficient adult, or at least if he stays living in your home, an adult that learns to respect his family and helps out with chores etc.

Children are so often much more affected by parental break ups and everything that comes after that than we think. Just the visiting to the other parent at weekends whilst being away from the parent they normally live with for example - a change in their life every single week. Parents too can often give them more ‘slack’ at a time when they actually need firmer boundaries. Because those boundaries help them feel trust and security.

I’m not blaming you but perhaps your son is still feeling lost since your break up and yes, his father has obviously had a lot of negative influence on him since. But children want to please their parents - imagine if his dad is as you say he is, he’s been putting all that shit onto your son for years! It’s not any wonder he’s like he is now.

With love and support and teaching, I really believe you can help your son become a stronger and more able man. 🤗

Also, the loud laughing, putting others down, not feeling sympathy for others’ misfortune etc does suggest that perhaps is mimicking what he sees someone else do (perhaps his father as you’ve said) but for a 24 year old to mimic behaviour could suggest additional needs.

How was your son at school? Did his teachers ever suggest he may show signs of neurodiversity? Did he have good friends?

If he wants to be a manager he’s going to have to change his sexist views as any decent company won’t tolerate it!!!
Good luck op

If you end up doing nothing else, stop making his lunch and doing his washing. Make his dinner only if you're cooking for everyone. Your actions only underscore for him that women exist to serve men. You'll be doing him a favour by treating him like an adult.

Most intelligent and discerning women are not going to want him as a boyfriend I'm afraid. And most quality organisations are not going to want him as a manager. He will find these out the hard way until/unless he changes his attitude.

In the '60s, the counter-culture was about peace and love. Now it's hard-core misogyny, conspiracy theorists, and neo-Nazis.

Most normal people won't want to have anything to do with someone like him. He'll come across as stupid and easily led. A 24-year-old who can't think for himself will be laughed at in the workplace.

OP, you say he doesn't get on with his stepmother. From your post it sounds like she's doing absolutely everything for his father/her own children and working full time, so perhaps she didn't have the bandwidth for his nonsense.

He's not very young. Couple of generations ago, there were literally millions of men of his age who'd put in years at WW1/WW2 (with their little not-fully-formed brains)

He's an aggressive bully and you are setting a terrible example for your younger children in accepting it and carrying on as his skivvy/whipping post.

You have all the power here, OP. You’re letting him walk all over you. You try to talk to him and he laughs in your face so you get upset and shrivel up inside yourself while he grins in satisfaction. Don’t do that! Next time you speak to him and he mocks you and laughs at you, keep absolutely calm and still and tell him the truth about what he’s like and, importantly, tell him to leave.

This isn’t being cruel. It’s actually kindness. If you don’t, he’ll turn into my ex. He sponged off his parents until his 40s and still does even though they managed to get him out finally by financing a house. He’ll have no longterm partner, no friends and be incapable of leading a proper adult life. There’ll always be an excuse why he can’t move out. You, your DDs and your husband will be affected by this. Put a stop to it - for all your sakes, including your son’s.

All you're doing is showing your daughters that it's OK to allow an abuser to abuse you if you love them. Kick him out yesterday!

Busymummy, you're totally right. I'm really conscious how offensive the suggestion is someone is ND based on some very unpleasant behaviour! I much prefer the tetmND as it covers various types outside of the NT definition.
I absolutely don't feel that all autistic people are devoid of empathy. I see that very differently from my own experience.

Generalising is never great, and that's what I am doing to some extent. I apologise for that. It took me a very very long time to realise my son was ND to be honest. He's a wonderful kind amazing human being but I notice a common theme sometimes with certain things, particularly the extent to which young boys / men can be influenced. I see it as a vulnerability but it doesn't feel so much once someone is an unpleasant behaved man as in this case!

The point for OP is to simply consider it. And I agree 100%, it isn't an 'autistic thing' to be a dick. It might just give greater context. Again, sorry for going off on a tangent!

My post asked about whether the OP’s son was ND and that’s because I’m a parent of an older teen who is autistic and so can understand the nuance of certain, very subtle presentations that many people would not necessarily recognise.

Presentations such as PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) for example, can sometimes come across as obnoxious, rude, unempathetic, mimicking, selfish etc when in reality, people with PDA are often very misunderstood and just trying to control their environment to reduce anxiety.

People on this thread are simply asking the OP questions and suggesting whether neurodiversity could be a reason - we obviously know it might not be!

And clearly, with the number of adults currently awaiting autism assessment, there have been many parents who haven’t recognised neurodiversity in their children.

Unlike the people on the thread saying to just throw her son out of her house (which I find pretty awful), posts such as mine are simply saying hang on a sec, perhaps there is more to this guy’s character than the OP’s post suggests.