To cancel seeing a friend because she asked to invite someone else

[Sundaycoffee]

I've had a 1:1 catch up in the diary with a friend for over a month now. I haven't seen her since the beginning of January and was looking forward to a "proper" chat. There's been a few things going on in my life (which she knows I wanted to discuss) and hers and I got the impression there would be some personal, more intimate things for us both to download on. She keeps going on about how she hasn't seen me in ages and there's so much to catch up on.
It was a lunch date (we had booked a bottomless brunch just the two of us).
Today she's messaged saying her other friend is also free and is it ok if she invites her? I've met this woman maybe 3 or 4 times over the past couple of years in group situations but wouldn't call her a friend.
I've told her I would rather it just be the two of us and it would change the dynamic a bit. She said that was ok but tbh I'm feeling a bit irritated that she clearly would rather this other person join and have more of a social chat rather than the more personal 1:1 meet that we had planned. Almost like my company alone isn't good enough and I now can't shake that feeling that I now know she would rather bring another person along and I had to be the one to say no.
I almost feel like saying to her, you guys catch up and we can do another time. The meeting I was looking forward to just feels a bit tarred now. Feel a bit silly and undervalued as a friend for her even just to ask. AIBU feeling this way?

Thank-you @AinsleyHayes for explaining. I will see if I can find the thread. That doesn't even sound fun to me, if the place pulls those kind of tricks. Especially the deliberately slow service. I'd want to have some water on the go as backup to not be sitting there for long periods with nothing to sip at.

@Scottishgirl85 1:1 has been absorbed as a business buzz word but I it used to just mean getting to spend time with someone just the 2 of you.

Googling one on one gets various meanings including cozy chat.

I just wrote a fairly lengthy post agreeing with you @Sundaycoffee and putting a few of my own examples, as I also really hate it when someone brings someone else along to a meet-up at the last minute. I think it changes the dynamic etc etc, and think YANBU to be miffed.

BUT, then I noticed in your OP that she said she won't bring her - when you said you would rather she didn't...

So I'm not sure what the problem is, or why you even posted the thread...

Maybe she was going to find the 1 on 1 a bit too intense so she suggested bringing another friend you don't know as well to try to lighten the mood?

Thank-you too @OneMoreTime23 it's a long while since I was at a Las Iguanas but I did enjoy it so it's interesting to hear your experience of it. I was thinking of bottomless brunches being a "trendy bar" thing not a proper restaurant.

@Sundaycoffee I second wherethemoon's post (@11:20). That is what I meant by "It could just as easily be nothing like that (the negative suggestions) at all"

I think you are assuming that your friend inviting someone else along means she didn't want to meet you alone. From my perspective it doesn't have to mean this at all. She may have thought you'd get along really well with the other friend and might appreciate the opportunity to make another, new friend. She may have thought the three of you easily could talk about deeper stuff, not just small talk, because she sees the three of you gelling well. Totally fine if you don't think this or don't want to meet with the other friend, but I think you shouldn't just jump to the conclusion that it meant your friend didn't want to talk to just you.

It may just be that your friend doesn't get out much and she would like to catch up with you both at the same time, there's a few reasons,but either way I think your being a bit childish.

I'm not sure I'm seeing the problem here.

You arranged to meet up. She asked you if it was ok to bring her friend- fine.
You said you'd rather she did not- fine.
She agreed not to bring said friend- fine.

What's exactly the problem here as it sounds like you've both been honest and respectful of each other.

I don't understand why you're making such a huge deal of this when she already agreed not to bring her friend- she respected your wishes. To now say she doesnt value you on the basis of this is ludicrous. If you carry on down this path you'll have no friends left. Stop interpreting animosity where there is none.

No she doesn’t, not if she has created all this drama over nothing. Her friend asked she said she prefer to meet alone and her friend agreed simple. Somehow she has turned it into how her friend doesn’t value her etc.

friendship doesn’t have to be so difficult, rigid and inflexible.

OP hasn't created any drama, she posted here for anonymous advice, the friend isn't aware of OP's thought processes.

The only ones creating drama are you and others piling on OP for a very innocuous AIBU.

They could have a 1-1 catch up now, and then meet the other friend later on. Always nice to expand your social network! I met one of my best friends that way.

The meeting I was looking forward to just feels a bit tarred now.

Feel a bit silly and undervalued as a friend for her even just to ask

This is unnecessary drama. It was a very simple request and she already clarified that she will like to meet her friend alone and her friends agreed, creating this post is drama, the fact she wanted to cancel is childish drama.

really? All over meeting your friend for bottomless brunch???

OP hasn't created any drama

Yes she has. Her friend politely asked if she would mind bringing a friend and when she said yes, her friend agreed not to bring her.

There is no drama here apart from the drama OP is now making. She is now interpreting this as not valuing her, and taking it to mean something awful and wrong when it's not.

If the friend had said fck you, I'm bringing her anyway or had agreed not to bring her but brought her anyway, now that would be drama.

This isnt.

It’s not drama. Sharing her thoughts online with strangers to get perspective is not drama, it’s actually to avoid any unnecessary drama.

The drama llamas are on this thread but it’s not OP.

Again, OP has posted here for perspective. She hasn’t said anything to her friend.

So no drama.

Again, OP has posted here for perspective

Yes, and the majority of people have said that she's being OTT. Her friend sounds very respectful to me- she asked her if she minded and when she said yes she agreed not to bring her.

What on earth is wrong with that?

Agree with this, some nasty people on Mumsnet. This is OPs best friend of 15 years and they have shared lots of ups and downs, I'm sure OP knows her friend better than those on here. There's nothing wrong with venting on an anonymous forum, I don't think OP expected personal insults and name calling.

Makes me sad

I remember being at a loose end one day and asking a friend to meet up but unfortunately she was already busy. She phoned back ten minutes later saying she had asked her friend and I was welcome to join them. I was really grateful to my friend but also her friend who had extended the hand of friendship to me when she hardly knew me. I think it is good to act like adults and not kids in the playground.

Yes and OP accepted that.

But the pile on here continues, all people want to do here is get in a good kicking.

Agreed re this. I think chain places are worse for being deliberately slow to top up drinks or the policy around drinks.

I've always gone to independent restaurants, especially during covid and after and most of them actually serve the drinks quicker and some might have limits as to what they serve, one place it's only prosecco or rum cocktails, the others have had bar strength cocktails. They do this as they know it guarantees repeat custom and also with so many other bars/restaurants offering bottomless brunches in the area (Beckenham) they have to compete for customers. It's really only the chain places that I think have weaker drinks or have policies in place. So we don't go to those!

We had to ask them to slow down when we went!

Agree with this, some nasty people on Mumsnet. This is OPs best friend of 15 years and they have shared lots of ups and downs, I'm sure OP knows her friend better than those on here. There's nothing wrong with venting on an anonymous forum, I don't think OP expected personal insults and name calling.

And yet OP is thinking of cancelling on this best friend of 15 years because the best friend ran the idea of bringing someone else to their meet-up and when OP said no, said okay, she wouldn't! She putting a strike against her friend for even asking her to consider varying their plan.

Perhaps some of the feedback OP has received hasn't been welcomed by her, but if it helps her to understand what's going on that's likely to be useful.

Nothing like a good MN kicking... I've had it before, and this is AIBU. It is brutal though when it happens to you and when it's a pile here on it's almost like the school playground where you gather round to watch a fight. Disgusting petty behaviour.

I do think some posters like to be unnecessarily harsh and don't think about the person behind the keyboard and are themselves, keyboard warriors.

Exactly the same with me.

And the amount of times I've done a BB with full strength cocktails in middle of the day with insufficient food to mop it up - I've been surprised I've managed to walk in a straight line let alone get into an Uber!

And yet OP is thinking of cancelling on this best friend of 15 years because the best friend ran the idea of bringing someone else to their meet-up and when OP said no, said okay, she wouldn't! She putting a strike against her friend for even asking her to consider varying their plan

Exactly this. This is exactly why people are saying it's "dramatic". Because this is a dramatic reaction to something incredibly innocuous.

No it’s not, the mere fact she had to create this post is drama. Seriously a simple request to invite someone else has turned into a soul searching exercise to determine if her friendship is valued or not?

Fair point, but I think balance is the key. I can only speak for myself, but as an introvert I'm definitely happier since I started pushing myself a bit less and giving myself permission to say no to things I really don't want to do. The quality of the interactions is what matters. Sometimes I have to push myself to do things I may not feel like doing in the moment, but know I'll end up enjoying, which I think is what you're talking about, and I think exercising the socialisation muscles is a good analogy. But I'm not sure how we can generalise that people aren't seeing improvements in their happiness and mental health. Personally I'd say mine has definitely improved since I've become more mindful as to what I spent time and mental capital on.