When did 50/50 become so common?

[Luckylooloostar]

I have a SC and when contact was set up over 13 years ago it was really common to do EOW with maybe a night in the week. No mention of 50/50 ever. Really common among others too around that time.

but Iv noticed a trend over the last few years that seems to be when you split its now 50/50…

Do more men now want this so they don’t have to pay CMS?

@Enko yes probably mental health issues have risen for children who do not have divorced parents but with the depression and suicide rates in Scandinavian countries perhaps that way isn’t working for children either.

@Wishitsnows so perhaps we should be working on Fostering better relationships for all so we get the divorce rate down.

You know teach the next generation how to value themselves and those they spend time with.

H and I split last year, he lives 10 minute walk away. DC live here, in their home. With me, the primary caregiver who has always looked after them while H was in his own little world.

They can see each other whenever they like, he just rarely arranges it and the DC ask me to ask him to make arrangements to see them.

Over my dead body would he have 50/50 so he could fucking ignore them and put them through the trauma of living in two different homes.

Not that my H wanted the kids anyway, he didn't.

And before anyone @@@@ me I work with children and young people and I haven't ever come across any who live in a 50/50 custody arrangement who aren't constantly anxious and feeling without a secure base because of it.

Never, ever in a million years would I put my kids through that.

But you knowingly put them through having an uninterested father?

My observation has been that with kids who have a 50/50 situation, it is very common when they get to be teens they settle in one household more or less permanently and then just visit the other.

Sometimes they want the home where they can get away with more, or there is more conflict with one parent. But it's also very often because they get tired of moving between two households. It's not all that easy, emotionally speaking.

He sustained a head injury a few years ago that affected his emotional range, amongst various other capacities.

What's your point here?

Well that was quite the drip feed.

Poor fella, you were happily slating him a few minutes ago over his behaviour with no mention of the mitigating factor.

Drip feed? It's not my thread.

Shall we get back to the thread?

Would you like to like 50/50 between two houses?

How do you think that would make you feel?

God you know some shitty dads OP.
No chance would the dads I know settle for less than 50/50, they love their kids. I love mine, my ex loves them. There was no question of anything other than half each. They need equal time with us.
I can't believe dads not seeing their kids often is preferable for some. I can't imagine eow for myself.
Exception is abusive or negligent men of course

Poor kids.

Shunted backwards and forwards with no real home.

Horrible.

I see it every day.

They get referred to services for 'anxiety'.

Anxiety caused by no stable home.

Nah they're very happy kids thanks 😊 2 amazing houses full of love.
You however sound miserable.

You'd like it, would you?

Nope.

That's why you've chosen to live in one home while you shunt them around.

My ex absolutely wants 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance. He has more or less said this.

He was never her primary carer, nor was he interested in having more than EOW (plus one extra day per fortnight) until he got a girlfriend who can help with the care.

As a child of divorced parents, I don't think that 50/50 would be a good arrangement for creating a stable family environment for a child.

Stop generalising to suit your own world view. I know kids who are old enough to choose, and they choose to spend equal time with both parents. No 'shunting'. They have two stable homes where they feel safe and comfortable. It continued into early adulthood.

@wherethecrawmumsings of course if I had 2 parents who loved me. Stop assuming stuff for your own shitty view and trying to make good parents feel bad. You sound bitter.

If you were any more bitter I think you’d implode 😅

Well it is for many of us.
Maybe not you with your particular ex.
But don't talk for others.

@Deathbyfluffy Aha you're getting bitter vibes too 😂 ahh well she'll always have a miserable mind.

I think 50/50 is for the adults benefit, not the childrens.

How isn't it beneficial for children to continue to have two actively involved good parents who continue to see them often after a divorce/relationship breakdown? Not just every other week for one parent.

It's the best set up for the child

I agree that some men do try 50/50 to avoid cms, but there are also some decent fathers who just want an active and meaningful role in their children's lives. In my personal experience some years ago I agreed to 50/50 with my child's father (as he was complaining about money I requested etc, and whilst he was fine with the overnights, school runs and making sure our child was fed when under his roof...that was as far as his 50/50 contribution went. I received no financial contribution, and ended up financing everything barring the food eaten by my child whilst at his fathers. I bought all clothing, paid for all activities....and any clubs that fell during fathers time were ignored by father (even though they were all ready paid for). I would have to collect my child, take him to his activities and then return to father after or he would just stay put in his house with our child and pacify him about his missed activity with screen time or computer games. I could have declined to do these things, but my child would have missed out. It couldnt be helped either that some activities (Football matches/training etc) fell during fathers time and not mine. Father also refused to swap days. In the end I was parenting 7 days a week regardless and funding everything, and driving back and forth to fathers (not wanting to be bad cop and cut Childs time with father). When I'd try to discuss the imbalance with father, I'd either get shouted down, or told that "I'm lucky as some dads don't give a shit and don't have their child for up to 3 and a half days". In the end for my own sanity, and to prevent child missing out on activities I just stopped dropping to his father, and made a claim to cms. Father got off his arse in the end (I'm guessing to decrease his cms payments) and now collects our child for 2 nights (that I've decided) via school

What if "due to how the child's mum's work has been" would have made it impossible for her also? It seems to fall on women in the vast majority of cases to change their circumstances because God forbid a man does.

Absolutely agree. Iv read that there is evidence to say that 50/50 is NOT the best for dc as they feel they have 2 “half lives” or like they are split down the middle. There were adults reporting that’s how they felt as a child. Like they as a person were split down the middle and they couldn’t fully see one place as “home” That having a base as a child ie at their mums then spending say EOW at dads meant they could develop their identity fully /strongly without the upheaval half the time. This is considered best for a child emotionally regarding their development.

I just wanted to comment too in response to the person saying that mums don’t own their child any more than dads. Call me old fashioned, call me sexist but sorry say what you like you cannot take away the incredibly powerful bond formed from the child having grown inside a woman’s body, as though they were part of their body and soul, for 9 months. Maternal instincts and bonds with child are incredibly powerful. Yes on paper and more so in courts these days we don’t “own them anymore than dads” but biologically and instinctively and emotionally we generally do. That’s the reason women as mothers are historically and traditionally and biologically the main care givers- same across the entire animal kingdom.