To ask for help with helping my daughter - first heartbreak :(

[tiredmama23]

My 17 year old daughter has had her heart well and truly broken by a guy she's been dating for only a few months. She was totally head over heels (we've all been there at that age I guess), and genuinely feels that her world has ended. It's been made so much worse by the fact he's the guy she lost her virginity to, so really she trusted him. Added to that, he dumped her over text 😫

She only found out yesterday and spent all evening crying, she refused anything to eat. She has come home early from college today still in tears, after calling my partner (her stepdad) from college to collect her while I was work because she "can't face being here". Since they got home a few hours ago she hasn't moved from her bed. I've been in to talk to her and she won't engage, just one word answers.

Things I've tried:

• hugs and general empathy
• telling her she will find someone lots better and he's just paved the way for that
• telling her she's beautiful and was too good for him anyway (I'm obviously biased as she's my daughter but she's a stunning young lady)
• telling her it hurts like hell now but it won't always and I promise it gets better
• telling her we can go for some food and the cinema this weekend just the two of us as a distraction and some TLC for her

However she continues to sob (and sob).

I don't know what else to do, I hate seeing my beautiful and usually bright and happy girl like this. What else can I do? 🙁

When my DD went through this I bought a little gift bag filled with small treats and wrote a card just telling her how wonderful she was, how much we (me and her Dad) loved her to bits, and that there is someone better out there for her than a boy who would be so low as to dump by text. And she deserved better!

But meanwhile, let her get it all out of her system. Let her cry for a bit longer, keep listening.

It's so hard - for both daughter and loving Mum!

Oh bless her heart, it's so awful so go through and to see!

We know it gets better, we know this will go away and she'll be happy again but right now it's everything to her. Honestly I'd focus on your second to last point there. That it hurts but it won't last forever. It sounds like you're doing everything you can but honestly she needs to feel this and as we both know it won't last forever! So just be there, be the lovely you that you are being and know that it'll end for you both soon.

Chocolate, TLC and a supportive mum like you who understands that it feels like the biggest part of her world right now is exactly what she needs.

Stay the course, it'll get easier! (And I'm sure a girly day will be much needed when she's ready. I still remember my mum taking me to get my hair cut while I sobbed my heart out shortly after my fiance left!)

Thanks for your reply.

She's already a bit behind with her college work as she's been struggling and burying her head in the sand for longer than I'd realised, her tutors have already been contacting me about it concerned. Hence my worry about her having even more time off.

Oh what a beautiful idea! 🩷 thank you x

Accept that there’s not much you can do, that if she’s old enough to date she’s old enough to deal with this and that other than being available if she wants to talk and generally being your usual good mother self then you have a fairly limited role. It’s only been a day or two, it’s normal and natural she’s very upset and she needs to work through it.

Thank you for such a lovely response x

My mum sat with me and said very similar - I probably never said it, but it did help.

If she’s constantly crying, her eyes will feel awful tomorrow. Try to get her to put a cold flannel over them - but not just yet, let her be for a bit. Is he at college at well? Mine wasn’t, fortunately.

@Maray1967
No thankfully he's not at the same college as her, which is a small mercy I guess. Would be so much worse if she had to face him every day.

• *telling her she will find someone lots better and he's just paved the way for that
• telling her she's beautiful and was too good for him anyway*

Ease off on this now. Absolutely make sure she knows that 1) she is beautiful and lovely and worthy of love, 2) her worth is not dependent on this guy (or any other) but please don't make her feel like her love for him and regard for him or his worth as a person is wrong.
It doesn't make anyone feel better to think that they lost their virginity to someone who was poor value/isn't good enough. Relationships end and that's not a value judgement on either person.

Oh it’s awful isn’t it!

when it happened to my DD me and her stepdad were away for the night! We’d only just got there and I nearly came rushing home. I actually messaged SOS to her best friend. They really rallied, got dressed up, pre drinks and music at home and then off to a Pizza Restaurant. Some friends then stayed over and they laughed and cried. It was a good start and then I just worked on distraction, hugs and keeping her busy!

Yes, and?

To add to the general good advice on here, teenagers do do this when they have their first heartbreak, it does tend to go on for a few days and it really does seem like the absolute end of the world to them at the time, but she will come out the other side, I promise. It sounds like you're being absolutely lovely to her but really she doesn't need baskets of presents or cards or special treats (nice as those ideas are), and there's no magic words you're supposed to say to make it better, just love and acknowledgement and to be allowed to get on with it really. You can try a bit of gentle distraction, would she agree to watch a film or some light weight TV with you (bake off was a great comfort to one of mine I seem to remember!)?

If it's any comfort I think it's actually a really good thing to go through this with a teenage short term relationship (much as it doesn't feel like it at the time), my two girls both did the heartbroken week of grief thing with their first ever boyfriend but coped much better with all subsequent ones, whereas my boy was with his school girlfriend for 5 years then broke up in their 20s and that was a whole other level, he'd never had any experience of anything like it before so in a weird way while of course you don't want them to go through multiple break ups it's quite good to get the practice in?

Oh how lovely!

DD has a fantastic best friend actually - she FaceTimed her last night and the three of us were ranting together 😂 it was cathartic.

@feedbackhq yes what a shame.... and I return to my original question...... and??

Back off and let her cry maybe? She's upset, that's normal.

She wasn't too good for him though, teaching her to feel bitterness and blame anyone and everyone is a mistake. It just didn't work out. She's 17, she needs to be left to cry and offered food and drink and told to get some sleep before college tomorrow.

@maxelly
Yes I see what you're saying - they have to experience it at some point but you just wish they didn't have to 😫

Oh I didn't see the other thread. What was the handwringing about etiquette etc? Is that what's put him off?

Thank God he’s not at the same college.

I agree with the point about easing off on the comments about him - although you probably want to beat the crap out of him. Best focus on how great she is and how her heartache will ease off in time.

Some mum-daughter treats would be great in the next few days.

I’d not focus on her progress at college just at the moment. She might feel you’re not taking her heartache seriously if you talk to her about college now. That can wait a few days.

Given he's not at the same college, definitely need her to go to college tomorrow unfortunately. Would be harder but probably still necessary if she was at the same one.

Getting some fresh air and some food in her, and some sleep, are the 3 most key things for slowly feeling better I think.