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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for help with helping my daughter - first heartbreak :(

276 replies

tiredmama23 · 28/02/2024 17:43

My 17 year old daughter has had her heart well and truly broken by a guy she's been dating for only a few months. She was totally head over heels (we've all been there at that age I guess), and genuinely feels that her world has ended. It's been made so much worse by the fact he's the guy she lost her virginity to, so really she trusted him. Added to that, he dumped her over text 😫

She only found out yesterday and spent all evening crying, she refused anything to eat. She has come home early from college today still in tears, after calling my partner (her stepdad) from college to collect her while I was work because she "can't face being here". Since they got home a few hours ago she hasn't moved from her bed. I've been in to talk to her and she won't engage, just one word answers.

Things I've tried:

  • hugs and general empathy
  • telling her she will find someone lots better and he's just paved the way for that
  • telling her she's beautiful and was too good for him anyway (I'm obviously biased as she's my daughter but she's a stunning young lady)
  • telling her it hurts like hell now but it won't always and I promise it gets better
  • telling her we can go for some food and the cinema this weekend just the two of us as a distraction and some TLC for her

However she continues to sob (and sob).

I don't know what else to do, I hate seeing my beautiful and usually bright and happy girl like this. What else can I do? 🙁

OP posts:
DrunkenElephant · 29/02/2024 08:05

tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:02

@DrunkenElephant
You asked a question, I answered honestly

I’m not getting into a discussion about it because it’s clearly an emotive topic for you.

Objectively, you knew exactly what I meant.

Nobody here knew you had lost your mum, or had severe PND and this could be triggering for you. We aren't mind readers.

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:05

mirror245 · 29/02/2024 08:01

Just be there for her. Don't slag him off. In time she will get over it like most of us do. My dd isn't dating yet (too young) but we talk about relationships and how teenage relationships are about learning, about ourselves, other people and intimate relationships. The chance of a teenage relationship working out long term are slim to none and who would want it anyway.

I thought it was rare too for someone to stay with their teenage love but my best friend met her now husband at 17 and they are now late 20s and married with a child. So it does happen.

OP posts:
FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 08:05

@LittleWeed2 helping yes being supportive but also not dwelling on it like I've already said. Feeling 'anger' at a young lad who has ended a relationship and is acting like a tool isn't normal

Sweetheart7 · 29/02/2024 08:07

LittleWeed2 · 29/02/2024 07:55

Please don’t let her use this as a reason she can’t manage college - college,her career,her future need to come first .
I would be working at getting her on top of her college work, tutor?
Not immediately ,of course, but in a few days time. Distraction is the best cure imv to take her from her churning thoughts. And he doesn’t win many brownie points for his behaviour. I hope she moves on without him.

Leave the poor girl alone. She is an adult and she will go back to college when she has got herself together. OP can't drag her there didn't you read the OPs DD willingly left college and called her dad. It's not even an age thing loads of women post about heartbreak.

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:07

FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 08:04

Nobody is posting with a tone though- they are giving advice . That's what you asked for

Nobody is "posting with a tone"? Funny that you're able to detect tone in my posts only but not able to consider that I also detect a tone in some of the replies on here. Let me guess, I'm the only poster with a "tone" that could upset others, whilst others get a free pass to post anything, and god forbid I point out their tone Gotcha.

I was also told "you're not healthy for your daughter" , and that it's my fault she can't cope. So let me guess, I need to let that slide unchallenged too because anyone can come on here and have free reign to be nasty to an OP?

This place is utterly toxic.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:08

FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 08:05

@LittleWeed2 helping yes being supportive but also not dwelling on it like I've already said. Feeling 'anger' at a young lad who has ended a relationship and is acting like a tool isn't normal

When it's your child he's hurting with his games, yes it IS normal.

Do you have a teenage girl?

OP posts:
FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:09

Sweetheart7 · 29/02/2024 08:04

What a good mum you are OP. Its an awful feeling you can only be there for her don't tell her she will meet someone else though right now she won't want to hear that. I remember my own mum saying that to me and I bit her off!. Sending hugs to your DD.

Thank you x

OP posts:
FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 08:09

Yes I do I have two adult daughters. If they were upset over a break up this was acknowledged I listened and offered comfort but did not get any more invested than this

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Disgrace

OP posts:
FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 08:10

At this point all you're doing is attacking posters who aren't totally agreeing with all you say

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:10

On out.

Leave the vipers to it.

Detest this place with a passion. I'm actually done.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:12

No at this point I'm DEFENDING myself, which is the opposite of attacking.

I've had some shitty stuff thrown as me on this and another thread and what I'm supposed to sit back while MN do precisely fuck all and allow this to happen? Nope.

Funny none of these people commenting on "my tone" are able to equally reflect on any of the posts that have resulted in me posting with that particular tone.

One way street innit. 🤔🙄

OP posts:
YoureALizardHarry11 · 29/02/2024 08:13

Ignore the negativity, OP. I’d have loved it if my mum was as caring as you when it happened to me. In reality she feigned some very short lived sympathy and just told me to get on with it.

It’s not that we can’t manage on our own, it’s just nice to have some empathy and care when we’re hurting, no matter who or what the cause is. Contrary to popular belief, that’s what helps build resilience as opposed to feeling alone in sadness. You seem lovely.

FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 08:16

I've no idea about any other thread I've only answered on this one and I've seen you trying to guilt someone for not knowing your mom was dead having pnd and calling people vipers

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:16

"You are not healthy for your child"

"No wonder she can't cope"

"I can see why your daughter's coping strategies are so limited"

Those of you who are commenting on MY posts, if you posted here for advice and got the above comments would you go "yeah I agree you're 100% correct, I'm a shitty parent", or would you do what normal people do and defend yourself against them? I know the answer and so do you.

The above is not OK. That's personal attacks in my book and against talk guidelines. But MN don't do anything about this as I've discovered.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:17

YoureALizardHarry11 · 29/02/2024 08:13

Ignore the negativity, OP. I’d have loved it if my mum was as caring as you when it happened to me. In reality she feigned some very short lived sympathy and just told me to get on with it.

It’s not that we can’t manage on our own, it’s just nice to have some empathy and care when we’re hurting, no matter who or what the cause is. Contrary to popular belief, that’s what helps build resilience as opposed to feeling alone in sadness. You seem lovely.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Ramalangadingdong · 29/02/2024 08:17

Mention to her that she can talk to Samaritans. They will listen to her without giving advice and she can get it all out and speak to them as many times as she needs to. Tel 116123. She can also text SHOUT on 85258.

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:17

FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 08:16

I've no idea about any other thread I've only answered on this one and I've seen you trying to guilt someone for not knowing your mom was dead having pnd and calling people vipers

Don't talk about my dead mum thanks - just kindly go away from my thread I am feeling unfairly targeted now. I'm asking you to stop.

OP posts:
Ramalangadingdong · 29/02/2024 08:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Perhaps he felt he couldn't get out of it. And perhaps the dinner was a decider - it might have made him feel that he was getting in too deep and should let her know asap.

Ramalangadingdong · 29/02/2024 08:26

tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:16

"You are not healthy for your child"

"No wonder she can't cope"

"I can see why your daughter's coping strategies are so limited"

Those of you who are commenting on MY posts, if you posted here for advice and got the above comments would you go "yeah I agree you're 100% correct, I'm a shitty parent", or would you do what normal people do and defend yourself against them? I know the answer and so do you.

The above is not OK. That's personal attacks in my book and against talk guidelines. But MN don't do anything about this as I've discovered.

As soon as I read your post I knew the people who think of the younger generation as "snowflakes" would have something to say. They always do. I think they may be jealous of a generation who have parents who can express their love and care for them because their own parents weren't able to do so.

Humanswarm · 29/02/2024 08:26

I had this with my DS just post Christmas. It was heartbreaking to watch and my usually stoic son sobbed in my arms for hours. Nothing I really did or said made much difference. A week later he was back to normal. These things are transient at this age. Sadly, we have all been there.

JCLV · 29/02/2024 08:27

Take no notice of the bitter nasty people on here who seem to think they qualify for parent of the year. Your daughter is lucky to have someone to see her through this. There are a lot of us who sympathise and have been there. While we know in the scheme of things this is not a big deal, for your daughter, at the moment, it seems like the end of the world. She’s allowed to feel that.

FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 08:28

Nobody on here would know anything about your mum if you hadn't bought it up to try and guilt someone! Honestly you may think people are being unkind to suggest you will be pushing your lack of rational coping skills onto your daughter but the way you are acting here isn't showing you as a good role model for resilience

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:28

@Ramalangadingdong
His reasons as I've already posted were that he doesn't have time for a relationship as he's focusing on his job and fitness goals right now (hes into the gym and sports etc). And that she "deserves someone who has the time for her"

But also he wants to keep her around, have him text to "let me know how you are", and "who knows it might not be over completely".

I don't think it's fair to do that to her personally. An adult woman posting here that their partner had done the above would be told he's being unfair, don't let him mess with your head etc etc

I'm telling my daughter all these things and I'm (affording to some posters) "overly invested" and "the reason she can't cope. Just bizarre

OP posts: