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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help with helping my daughter - first heartbreak :(

276 replies

tiredmama23 · 28/02/2024 17:43

My 17 year old daughter has had her heart well and truly broken by a guy she's been dating for only a few months. She was totally head over heels (we've all been there at that age I guess), and genuinely feels that her world has ended. It's been made so much worse by the fact he's the guy she lost her virginity to, so really she trusted him. Added to that, he dumped her over text 😫

She only found out yesterday and spent all evening crying, she refused anything to eat. She has come home early from college today still in tears, after calling my partner (her stepdad) from college to collect her while I was work because she "can't face being here". Since they got home a few hours ago she hasn't moved from her bed. I've been in to talk to her and she won't engage, just one word answers.

Things I've tried:

  • hugs and general empathy
  • telling her she will find someone lots better and he's just paved the way for that
  • telling her she's beautiful and was too good for him anyway (I'm obviously biased as she's my daughter but she's a stunning young lady)
  • telling her it hurts like hell now but it won't always and I promise it gets better
  • telling her we can go for some food and the cinema this weekend just the two of us as a distraction and some TLC for her

However she continues to sob (and sob).

I don't know what else to do, I hate seeing my beautiful and usually bright and happy girl like this. What else can I do? 🙁

OP posts:
lifeisfunandflowersbloomintherain · 28/02/2024 22:11

Awh yeah that's understandable at that age okay we'll reassure her .

ice cream
And tv and good series on nd hang out with try bowling and a movie for the weekend.

And afternoon tea with what she enjoys .

Awful over text but yes get her friends to help with a break up party and moving on one like
They did in the Valentine's Day movie by Gary Marshall.

JCLV · 28/02/2024 22:48

Desperate housewives. We binged the whole lot together. By the time it was finished she was over the worse and could face life again.

Rainallnight · 28/02/2024 23:05

Not my first breakup, but when I went through a terrible breakup in my 30s, my mum advised me to get through it ‘with dignity’. It was great advice and saved me from doing anything embarrassing while I was absolutely bonkers with sadness.

WandaWonder · 28/02/2024 23:07

tiredmama23 · 28/02/2024 21:32

@5128gap
I knew what you meant. I still disagree.

It's not at all "awkward" in my view for a mother to express their anger and upset at what they feel is unfair and upsetting behaviour towards their child. She knows I am upset with him for the recent messages that are playing with his head, she understands why. I think that's OK. It's an Ok message that, you know what, you haven't been treated very well here and if you do get back together I'm keeping my beady eye on this guy as I do not want to see my daughter hurt again.

I'm not going to be horrible to him to his face if they get back together (obviously because that's juvenile), but I'm going to make sure my daughter knows how I feel and that I've got her back and she needs to keep at arms length, unless she wants to be hurt again.

For me, that's not remotely "awkward", thats the actions of a normal protective and loving mother. I personally wish I'd had that growing up. 🤷‍♀️

You are way too invested and are not healthy for your child, no wonder why she cant cope

dottiedodah · 28/02/2024 23:13

Time to cry and deal with her feelings. She is hurt and upset right now. You sound like a lovely mum lots of tlc.few teenage rl work out .lots of time ahead ,it's just experience at the end of the day

Wayk · 28/02/2024 23:19

You sound like a wonderful mum. Just let her cry, let her get it out of her system, keep giving her hugs, offer her drinks. Buy her some of her favourite things. At times like this they need their mum. Best wishes.

Justkeeepswimming · 28/02/2024 23:21

Tell her it’s alright to cry and she should do whatever she needs to feel better. Acknowledge her feelings and say it’s ok and very valid much the way that you would with a younger child.

Ask her what she needs (she will say him), move on from that and work on the basics; sitting watching a favoured tv show or series on tv, eating ice cream and pizza.

Take her away on a spa break or similar for the weekend, no phones allowed. Or whatever floats her boat/is feasible to give her perspective.

Treehuggingmutherfunkin · 29/02/2024 01:30

Tell her when she's 20 and in ibiza she won't even remember his name

Barleysugar86 · 29/02/2024 01:36

Does she like the Friends show? I rewatch it every heartbreak. It is somehow very soothing.

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 07:37

You are way too invested and are not healthy for your child, no wonder why she cant cope

There is no such thing as a parent in my opinion as "too invested" in my child's emotional wellbeing.

And now it's my fault she's upset following a breakup at 17? So all the other parents who have commented on this thread to say their own children at a similar age cried and were heartbroken in the same situation, are they also to blame for their child's upset?? 🤔
Or, maybe, they are just experiencing a normal emotional response to being dumped and you're talking bollocks.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 07:38

Treehuggingmutherfunkin · 29/02/2024 01:30

Tell her when she's 20 and in ibiza she won't even remember his name

I did actually say, "trust me in a few months or years when you've met someone else it will be Ex'sName who??" She looked at me skeptically. But I know it's true from experience, as I'm sure we all do.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 07:39

Wayk · 28/02/2024 23:19

You sound like a wonderful mum. Just let her cry, let her get it out of her system, keep giving her hugs, offer her drinks. Buy her some of her favourite things. At times like this they need their mum. Best wishes.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 07:47

Thanks to those who've been lovely and helpful - I see you and I appreciate it.

I'm bowing out of this thread now. Reading comments like "you are not healthy for your daughter" is tapping into dark places for me, that haven't been prodded at since I was suicidal with post natal depression. I don't need to be back there.

Thanks again to the helpful posters x

OP posts:
HesterRoon · 29/02/2024 07:49

Yes it’s a tough lesson. You can’t take her heartbreak away but you can be there as a constant who loves her. But she has to get over it alone. I think the best you can do is to be very kind and caring to her. Watch a film together and take her nice drinks, a good book etc. And talk to her about her college work. This stage of heartbreak will probably last a couple of weeks. Then it starts to get easier. There’s a fine line between sympathy and encouraging her to feel victimised though-don’t go down the route of saying how awful the bf is. And keep in mind that this will pass and she’ll find it better next time. My daughter was at university when she broke up with her first proper bf-she stayed in bed for days and told me when she started to feel better.

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 07:53

It's a three month relationship that's ended and you have 'anger' towards this lad? T

The anger is because of the texts keeping her hanging and messing with her head, as per my update which I assume you haven't read

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 07:54

Be honest, would you have wanted to hear that from your mum at 17?

Honestly? Given my mum had been dead 10 years by the time I reached 17, I'd have given anything in the world just to hear her voice and see her face, so it wouldn't matter what she'd have said. Since you ask.

OP posts:
LittleWeed2 · 29/02/2024 07:55

Please don’t let her use this as a reason she can’t manage college - college,her career,her future need to come first .
I would be working at getting her on top of her college work, tutor?
Not immediately ,of course, but in a few days time. Distraction is the best cure imv to take her from her churning thoughts. And he doesn’t win many brownie points for his behaviour. I hope she moves on without him.

FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 07:59

Yes i have read you need to get a grip and stop being so snarky with others. In the grand scheme of trauma that can happen in a youngsters life it's pretty fleeting and typical
Your reaction however isn't

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:00

FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 07:59

Yes i have read you need to get a grip and stop being so snarky with others. In the grand scheme of trauma that can happen in a youngsters life it's pretty fleeting and typical
Your reaction however isn't

If people don't want me to be "snarky" towards them, perhaps they could reflect on the tone of the posts they are choosing to post on my thread?

Im meeting like with like. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
mirror245 · 29/02/2024 08:01

Just be there for her. Don't slag him off. In time she will get over it like most of us do. My dd isn't dating yet (too young) but we talk about relationships and how teenage relationships are about learning, about ourselves, other people and intimate relationships. The chance of a teenage relationship working out long term are slim to none and who would want it anyway.

DrunkenElephant · 29/02/2024 08:01

tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 07:54

Be honest, would you have wanted to hear that from your mum at 17?

Honestly? Given my mum had been dead 10 years by the time I reached 17, I'd have given anything in the world just to hear her voice and see her face, so it wouldn't matter what she'd have said. Since you ask.

Oh OP that wasn’t my point and you know it.

I’m sorry you lost your mum young, that must have been awful for you.

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:02

@DrunkenElephant
You asked a question, I answered honestly

OP posts:
LittleWeed2 · 29/02/2024 08:03

. In the grand scheme of trauma that can happen in a youngsters life it's pretty fleeting and typical
Yes, but I’m 68 and can still remember the devastating feelings - anything a DM can do to help is worth it imv

Sweetheart7 · 29/02/2024 08:04

What a good mum you are OP. Its an awful feeling you can only be there for her don't tell her she will meet someone else though right now she won't want to hear that. I remember my own mum saying that to me and I bit her off!. Sending hugs to your DD.

FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 08:04

Nobody is posting with a tone though- they are giving advice . That's what you asked for