To ask for help with helping my daughter - first heartbreak :(

[tiredmama23]

My 17 year old daughter has had her heart well and truly broken by a guy she's been dating for only a few months. She was totally head over heels (we've all been there at that age I guess), and genuinely feels that her world has ended. It's been made so much worse by the fact he's the guy she lost her virginity to, so really she trusted him. Added to that, he dumped her over text 😫

She only found out yesterday and spent all evening crying, she refused anything to eat. She has come home early from college today still in tears, after calling my partner (her stepdad) from college to collect her while I was work because she "can't face being here". Since they got home a few hours ago she hasn't moved from her bed. I've been in to talk to her and she won't engage, just one word answers.

Things I've tried:

• hugs and general empathy
• telling her she will find someone lots better and he's just paved the way for that
• telling her she's beautiful and was too good for him anyway (I'm obviously biased as she's my daughter but she's a stunning young lady)
• telling her it hurts like hell now but it won't always and I promise it gets better
• telling her we can go for some food and the cinema this weekend just the two of us as a distraction and some TLC for her

However she continues to sob (and sob).

I don't know what else to do, I hate seeing my beautiful and usually bright and happy girl like this. What else can I do? 🙁

Thanks @Maray1967 you've made some really supportive and helpful comments x

Yes, I’m not saying let her stay home tomorrow- I’d try to get her to go to try to keep her normal routine.

Just don’t raise anything about her progress and tutors’ concerns this week.

Doesn't have the time to focus on a relationship right now, wants to prioritise his work at the moment, doesn't think it's fair to her to string her along knowing he doesn't have time for a relationship. Words to that effect.

Awh first cut is the deepest as they say. There's no fast tracking heartache either. It'll take time.

All you can do is insist she still does enjoyable fun things, encourage her not to fall behind in college because of a boy, if she's specific times she uses to meet him like every Thursday evening, plan thubgs to do then as a distraction.

It won't make a difference telling her thus but very few of us end up with our first love forever, we upgrade over time.

Ah bless her. I think just be with her , hold her hand, leave her alone, do what ever see wants. I am not sure any words will help as such. Maybe reassure her that this will get better in time, but it could be a short time or a long time. No rules is there.

When this happened to me at 16 (although we were dating for a year), it set off a depression that I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about because I felt I was over reacting and felt like such a loser.
Things that helped me were following my mother round a garden center, being involved in general chores, making a cake, running errands, planting things in the garden. It distracted me a little.
Good luck.

Exactly - and he told her he'd been mulling this over in his mind for "a while" now

Is she a cryer generally? I was at her age and it was much better to cry all it out in one go. If I was stopped it would make things worse for longer. I usually needed a long cry, bath and then reading a book.
I would send her to college tomorrow just with a lot of encouragement and support : cooking her favourite breakfast, giving her a lift to and maybe from, etc

By the way I saw your other thread and I don’t think that you’ve done something wrong posting today- there is no restrictions on amount of threads about your daughter’s boyfriend/s 😉

Luckily she went through this at 17 instead of at 33 like some of us.... I think this is a good thing ultimately it happens to everyone.

Time heals all! Let her get her misery out of the way and then do something really fun she loves with lots of family or friends to help cheer her up

I remember my first real heartbreak - I too was utterly inconsolable for a good few days. My Mum took me out for a facial (I think she thought I'd stop crying if I left the house.... got that one wrong, Ma!), and to a movie. I still associate the Mel Gibson Hamlet with that first boyfriend/relationship ending.
In some ways, it's best to leave her to get it out of her system a bit, but also to seek the support of her friends. I wonder if her best mate (who you say is great) could come over for a movie and junk food? At least distract her for a wee bit.
She will get over it; it just doesn't feel like it now.
Hugs to you both.

Aww first heartbreak is so hard. You sound like a lovely and supportive mum OP.

Perhaps not a bad thing. She's been distracted from her studies so she can get her head down now and crack on. Tell her it's a good life lesson. People let you down.
Happened to me at 17, he told me he'd fallen in love with my best mate next door. I let myself cry for half an hour for being so stupid.

Thanks. It's so hard to know what to do, I just want to take it away for her 🙁

I keep thinking of that song 'Fool if you think it's Over'. Bless her. You can't rush the process, but you're there for her and you're rooting for her. She will appreciate that so much even if she doesn't realise it now.

Went through this with my 19 yrar old son recently, it’s heartbreaking. Just be there for her.

Oh yes such a great song and message!

I remember sniffling away to it at 14 when I had my first break up. I tried so hard to believe the message, whole life before you, etc.

Ranting about him is only going to keep her focussed on him. The very best thing to get over a boyfriend is to get on with your life and not give them a second thought. You get one day to cry and then you get up, do your hair, buy yourself something new and go out. He’s just stepped down so someone better can step up. Teach her to love only those that love her. When she’s a bit better get her a copy of this. Wish I’d read it young. It would have saved me a lot of tears and heartache https://www.amazon.co.uk/Rules-Ellen-Sherrie-Schneider-Paperback/dp/B00M0SPOY2/ref=mp_s_a_1_9?crid=20MZ7I9F01EY8&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.7KCk0dH2O32Ym0YbUYKWfKFLyy5D70SbNfdZKrGPWBYiYmahWyKE4v4S9s4yD_pAKS055EPSx8oie9pvqPmLv1np4pr_l_1NPukYt8Ge2uabTIlQl0X6XC_BBLlIoFxFcEjf8Ysq_YUf7WqCx9VXKYgAXm2Nl0FRCxiflhUORFxpy6qvDBLxuTuMvIz6HpKG3Uoyof9-inrpzeoYD5lPSA.Q2vpE_IjxerG9bCyRX5roFPhyRwRVGM-HokdqONnVkU&dib_tag=se&keywords=the+rules+ellen+fein&qid=1709145032&sprefix=ellen+fein%2Caps%2C213&sr=8-9

Just let her be and sit with her if she’ll let you be near her. Give her space and time and keep offering food and drink and hugs.

Your poor DD. It’s awful your first heartbreak. If possible are you able to take tomorrow off and spend the day with her? Maybe go someone for lunch or something or go to the cinema just to forget about things for a bit?

She doesn't want my company at the moment, she's now fallen asleep actually when I last checked. She hasn't eaten any tea but said she would get some later. I asked if she'd eaten anything today, she said "a few chips" at college.

I can't take tomorrow off unfortunately as it's too short notice with meetings etc. But I plan to take her out with me this weekend to the cinema or for food, shopping, whatever I can drag her along to do. Just to get her out of the house and shift her focus slightly.