To ask for help with helping my daughter - first heartbreak :(

[tiredmama23]

My 17 year old daughter has had her heart well and truly broken by a guy she's been dating for only a few months. She was totally head over heels (we've all been there at that age I guess), and genuinely feels that her world has ended. It's been made so much worse by the fact he's the guy she lost her virginity to, so really she trusted him. Added to that, he dumped her over text 😫

She only found out yesterday and spent all evening crying, she refused anything to eat. She has come home early from college today still in tears, after calling my partner (her stepdad) from college to collect her while I was work because she "can't face being here". Since they got home a few hours ago she hasn't moved from her bed. I've been in to talk to her and she won't engage, just one word answers.

Things I've tried:

• hugs and general empathy
• telling her she will find someone lots better and he's just paved the way for that
• telling her she's beautiful and was too good for him anyway (I'm obviously biased as she's my daughter but she's a stunning young lady)
• telling her it hurts like hell now but it won't always and I promise it gets better
• telling her we can go for some food and the cinema this weekend just the two of us as a distraction and some TLC for her

However she continues to sob (and sob).

I don't know what else to do, I hate seeing my beautiful and usually bright and happy girl like this. What else can I do? 🙁

I remember my first boyfriend dumped me. I was 17 too. I was inconsolable, I remember literally wailing (oh god this memory is horrific now!) My mum just cuddled me, listened to me go on and on for days and that was enough. I don't think you can do anything more. You can't take the pain away. Only time will do that, and a new love interest most likely. You can't solve this one unfortunately.

Oh your poor DD. It is absolutely horrible and there really isn't much you can do to make the pain go away. Just recently gone through similar with my DD18. She broke it off with her bf of 15 months because, quite frankly, he was being a dick (as we subsequently found out!). She was absolutely beside herself just prior to ending it with him because she genuinely loved him. Inconsolable for 8 days; her facetiming us, sobbing into the screen, snot everywhere, eyes like golfballs, not eating... she did continue with lectures etc.

You're doing the right things, just keep listening for signs that she wants to talk. Let her rant or cry if she wants. Just be there with a shoulder, tissues etc. A pamper or shopping trip helped distract my DD as did a ice cream, chocolate and a good film.

It has taken my DD 3 months to come out the other side but as a result she's stronger. But she's deeply scarred by it and probably still has a secret cry now and then.

Cliché but time will heal. Its just so hard for us parents too! I hope she's feeling better soon OP

Oh god he's now sending her texts saying things like: "I still want you in my life, "I still want to know how you're doing", "hopefully it's not the end", "we might be in a different place in a few weeks" etc.

Just keeping her dangling! This is so unfair. She's just come running into my room to show me. I am so angry, he's playing with her mind now 🤬

I’ve just been through this word for word with my dd, we’re a month down the line and she’s ok now, she still talks about him too much but found out a couple of days later there was another girl.

It’s really hard but you just have to be there for her, let her cry, let her rant, let her get it out of her system but it will get easier and she will get over him.

Op my 15 year old son was dumped on Christmas day. He was upstairs a lot but he kept saying he was in the loo. Took me till 11 pm and a lot of tea before he could stop crying. First love is always always tough. Just keep checking on her and being the supportive mum you already are. I wonder if she's struggling with college and that's making her upset too??? Biggest of hugs to you both x

Oh @tiredmama23 thats very cruel of him. I would encourage her to block or mute him for now.

DDs ex did this for a while, until he posted a picture of his new gf and DD called him out on it.

She's been saying how does he expect me to be friends with him and just tell him how I'm doing etc when he's broken my heart? I've told her he's being completely selfish in asking for that and to just distance herself now. Whether she does that though is another matter.

I read all your posts on the other thread, tiredmama, and am so very, very sorry that your daughter's relationship ended so suddenly out of the blue. I really feel for her - and for you.

I do wonder if the family outing to a pub meal to meet the boyfriend was all a bit much for him. It's one thing to be going out with someone, really liking them and getting to know each other, etc, but meeting parents makes it more of a big thing with assumptions and expectations. They are very young. That's just a thought.

Whatever, your girl is hurting right now and that is painful for you too. She will come out of it but these things take their own time. Like others, I remember feeling as she does, took me an age to get over.

You seem like a lovely mum.

@tiredtiredmama23 This sounds like a situation I had at 19. Was dumped by fist boyfriend after two months. He also said that he didn't have time for a relationship/ wanted to study. I also got the same messages about him wanting to still be in my life. Turns out his idea was that he wanted to have a non exclusive relationship with me so was trying to downgrade me from girlfriend to friend with benefits. I think his friends encouraged him. Was very verbally abusive when I refused. She should block him on everything in case he tries to get her to be his hook up buddy like my ex did. I think he just called me his girlfriend at the start to reel me in!

I'd try to be as neutral as possible about him if I were you. They may well be back together by the weekend and it'll be awkward if you've gone in too heavy with how awful he is.

I don't think it will at all be awkward, I disagree.

I think it will be normal as her mother for me to think what he's done is pretty shitty and hurtful and if they get back together I've got absolutely no problem with either of them knowing that I think that tbh.

Thank you for your lovely post x

Oh bless him! Christmas Day, that's particularly brutal 🙁 x

@tiredmama23 there is absolutely nothing you can do. I remember, over thirty years later, the person and the circumstances of my child's first breakup. It hurt me, so goodness knows how bad my child felt.

heartbreak is part of growing up, a painful part, but just a part.

just be there, remain constant. Your child will get over it, eventually.

Yeah it was not the best of timing. He's okay now, and I'm sure your daughter will be too. First love is always the best....and worst x

Yeah, I was actually thinking of your DD, not you. If you've made it plain how you feel it will be awkward for HER if they get back together.

I think you’ve said all you can. Let her be alone with her feelings for a bit. Be there if she wants to talk or needs advice.
If I were her I’d not reply or seeings as she probably already has, I’d say it’s fine and she is ok and will see him around and leave it at that.

I don’t know what the other thread was about they’re only 17- it all sounds a bit full on. It’s unusual for relationships to last, this will likely happen again and again. She’s better off concentrating on her studies.

@5128gap
I knew what you meant. I still disagree.

It's not at all "awkward" in my view for a mother to express their anger and upset at what they feel is unfair and upsetting behaviour towards their child. She knows I am upset with him for the recent messages that are playing with his head, she understands why. I think that's OK. It's an Ok message that, you know what, you haven't been treated very well here and if you do get back together I'm keeping my beady eye on this guy as I do not want to see my daughter hurt again.

I'm not going to be horrible to him to his face if they get back together (obviously because that's juvenile), but I'm going to make sure my daughter knows how I feel and that I've got her back and she needs to keep at arms length, unless she wants to be hurt again.

For me, that's not remotely "awkward", thats the actions of a normal protective and loving mother. I personally wish I'd had that growing up. 🤷‍♀️

*playing with her head, not his

I might just be old fashioned but if she's only been dating him a 'few months' he had hardly proved himself as a serious contender - fancy losing her virginity to him! I would be 100% stressing from now on she's supposed to wait and make damn sure the next one is actually interested. Lads are generally only after one thing at that age!

You seem to know an awful lot for her mum. We're not supposed to be their best friends not at this age. I can't imagine my mum ever having got this involved. Surely she's got friends to talk this all through with? It's a bit weird imo to know so much about her intimate life.

Best advice my Mum ever gave me was to never put a guy on a pedestal. Served me well. They turned up 5 mins late for a date, tough, next! I certainly didn't lose my virginity to some loser after 2 months, treat them mean, keep them keen! She needs to toughen up or else it's going to be a hard run into her 20's and beyond. She's had a tough first life lesson. You have to let her experience it and if I were her I'd be upping my standards and knowing my worth (and that's not about how pretty you are, frankly that has nothing to do with it, it's just fuelling the belief that a pretty girl shouldn't be dumped or cheated on!)

Be honest, would you have wanted to hear that from your mum at 17?

IF they get back together, and I hope they don’t, she will be back in the first flush of love and brushing this under the carpet. If she knows you’re keeping a “beady eye on him”, is she likely to tell you if something is wrong, or will she pretend everything is perfect because she already knows you don’t like him and doesn’t want to flame that? Will she come to you for relationship advice or will she think there’s no point because you don’t like him anyway? Will she want to protect him and only tell you the good things?

She’s almost an adult, don’t give her any reason to pull away from you over some shitty boy who doesn’t deserve her anyway.

My mum said rather bluntly ‘I don’t think you’ll be single for long’ when I had similar heartache (though 3 years rather than 3 months 😭). I was indignant at first but you know what? She made me feel confident and she was right. I wasn’t single long!

@shreknjumps see I think she is too good for him because he dumped her over text (which is a bit rubbish from him). I think it's OK for her to know she deserves more/better than that.

Fine. I've 3 adult children in their 20s to 30s, so im not unfamiliar with this situation. I'm just sharing my own experience, given you asked for advice!

Blimey
It's a three month relationship that's ended and you have 'anger' towards this lad? Take a step back. Tell her she deserves better and leave it at that. All this angst is insane