Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help with helping my daughter - first heartbreak :(

276 replies

tiredmama23 · 28/02/2024 17:43

My 17 year old daughter has had her heart well and truly broken by a guy she's been dating for only a few months. She was totally head over heels (we've all been there at that age I guess), and genuinely feels that her world has ended. It's been made so much worse by the fact he's the guy she lost her virginity to, so really she trusted him. Added to that, he dumped her over text 😫

She only found out yesterday and spent all evening crying, she refused anything to eat. She has come home early from college today still in tears, after calling my partner (her stepdad) from college to collect her while I was work because she "can't face being here". Since they got home a few hours ago she hasn't moved from her bed. I've been in to talk to her and she won't engage, just one word answers.

Things I've tried:

  • hugs and general empathy
  • telling her she will find someone lots better and he's just paved the way for that
  • telling her she's beautiful and was too good for him anyway (I'm obviously biased as she's my daughter but she's a stunning young lady)
  • telling her it hurts like hell now but it won't always and I promise it gets better
  • telling her we can go for some food and the cinema this weekend just the two of us as a distraction and some TLC for her

However she continues to sob (and sob).

I don't know what else to do, I hate seeing my beautiful and usually bright and happy girl like this. What else can I do? 🙁

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:29

FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 08:28

Nobody on here would know anything about your mum if you hadn't bought it up to try and guilt someone! Honestly you may think people are being unkind to suggest you will be pushing your lack of rational coping skills onto your daughter but the way you are acting here isn't showing you as a good role model for resilience

I WAS ASKED what I'd want from my own mother at 17!!!!!! So I fucking answered, and now I'm still in the wrong???

Fuck me.

I'm not engaging with you any further so post all you like but it's invisible to me

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:29

JCLV · 29/02/2024 08:27

Take no notice of the bitter nasty people on here who seem to think they qualify for parent of the year. Your daughter is lucky to have someone to see her through this. There are a lot of us who sympathise and have been there. While we know in the scheme of things this is not a big deal, for your daughter, at the moment, it seems like the end of the world. She’s allowed to feel that.

Thank you xx

OP posts:
FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 08:30

@Ramalangadingdong thing is nobody has said that they have just suggested the op is getting way too emotionally invested in it and how is that going to encourage her child yes it's normal to be upset but these things happen a lot when they are young and it's going to get better . Being angry with teenagers about teenage relationships is nonsense

Ramalangadingdong · 29/02/2024 08:30

FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 08:05

@LittleWeed2 helping yes being supportive but also not dwelling on it like I've already said. Feeling 'anger' at a young lad who has ended a relationship and is acting like a tool isn't normal

Is he acting like a tool? Sorry I haven't rtft. I sympathise with OP and her DD, but the boy has the right to end the relationship if he wants to. I read on here all the time that we can end a relationship for any reason we like and he has given a good one, and like pp said texting for their generation is the preferred method of communication these days.

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:30

As soon as I read your post I knew the people who think of the younger generation as "snowflakes" would have something to say. They always do. I think they may be jealous of a generation who have parents who can express their love and care for them because their own parents weren't able to do so.

Good theory and probably correct

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:31

@Ramalangadingdong it's the texts he been sending her since that are unfair, I've updated about this

OP posts:
FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 08:31

@Ramalangadingdong exactly he is

Ramalangadingdong · 29/02/2024 08:33

tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:31

@Ramalangadingdong it's the texts he been sending her since that are unfair, I've updated about this

Apologies. I haven't rtft. I'll look at your update.

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 29/02/2024 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 29/02/2024 08:37

FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 08:30

@Ramalangadingdong thing is nobody has said that they have just suggested the op is getting way too emotionally invested in it and how is that going to encourage her child yes it's normal to be upset but these things happen a lot when they are young and it's going to get better . Being angry with teenagers about teenage relationships is nonsense

She’s allowed to be angry with someone who is messing with her daughter’s emotions, and she’s allowed to be upset and comfort her daughter when she’s in emotional distress. Her coping strategies will actually be better for it than if she had a mother who was unresponsive/ minimally responsive to her. I know that’s hard for some to believe, but I for one struggle emotionally as an adult because my mum wrongly thought a ‘’stiff upper lip’’ was the way forward.

DrunkenElephant · 29/02/2024 08:40

Nobody said the OP was handling it incorrectly, the criticism as far as I can see is from the OP over involving herself and saying if they got back together she’d be keeping her “beady eyes on him” and making it clear she was unhappy about it. Yes that is over involved. The DD has to learn to make her own mistakes without her mothers feelings influencing her. Ultimately it’s nothing to do with anyone else if she chooses to get back with him.

This thread has turned weird, I can’t keep track of whether the Op is leaving or staying and anything that differs from her own opinion is taken as an attack, or blamed for triggering her previous suicidal thoughts. My original post wasn’t unkind at all and was met with a “my mum is dead actually”.

This thread is no longer about the Op’s daughter, the OP only wants to hear that she’s doing everything right so I’ll leave you to it - hope your DD is ok.

Stopwiththedamnrain · 29/02/2024 08:41

You're doing all the right things. We all been through this around that age and kind support and reassurance is key. It's very early days and she's obviously in shock as well as grieving, so needs gentle support from you and her good friends over the next week or so. She'll get over him with time and patience.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 29/02/2024 08:43

I didn’t read that, only that he had dumped her by text and was then messing with her head. I think it’s a normal response when someone has hurt your child you would want to keep your eye on them - maybe not the correct approach but I can understand why OP reacted that way.

FrancisSeaton · 29/02/2024 08:43

DrunkenElephant · 29/02/2024 08:40

Nobody said the OP was handling it incorrectly, the criticism as far as I can see is from the OP over involving herself and saying if they got back together she’d be keeping her “beady eyes on him” and making it clear she was unhappy about it. Yes that is over involved. The DD has to learn to make her own mistakes without her mothers feelings influencing her. Ultimately it’s nothing to do with anyone else if she chooses to get back with him.

This thread has turned weird, I can’t keep track of whether the Op is leaving or staying and anything that differs from her own opinion is taken as an attack, or blamed for triggering her previous suicidal thoughts. My original post wasn’t unkind at all and was met with a “my mum is dead actually”.

This thread is no longer about the Op’s daughter, the OP only wants to hear that she’s doing everything right so I’ll leave you to it - hope your DD is ok.

Edited

Exactly
Anyone who isn't telling the OP she's an amazing mum doing everything right is a nasty viper. No idea why the op posted on a forum where it's the norm for people to share views /experiences

Poinsettiasarevile · 29/02/2024 08:46

Sorry you are gettting a tough time on this thread @tiredmama23@tiredmama23. Some of the commentdls are deffo OTT.

Just one thing to reflect on though, you are clearly not getting what you want from this thread, yet you keep coming back. Exactly what you dont want your daughter to do with the ex boyfriend.

Having good boundaries meand sometimes walking away and prioritising your own needs.

Your daughter is behind on her coursework. Doing well at college could affect the rest of her life, while this boy will in all liklihood end up as a footnote. You possibly over investing in her heartbreak signals to her that he is more important than he should be.

Of course comforting her is part of your job as a mum, but in the long run building resilience, helping her enforce and understand healthy boundaries and getting her back up to speed at collage are way more important.

Ramalangadingdong · 29/02/2024 08:46

I'm not sure it sounds as though he is intentionally messing with her head. It sounds as though he might be trying to soften the blow - I am guessing that she sent him texts expressing her distress. This sort of situation is always so tricky to navigate. If you are the dumper you're damned if you contact the dumpee and damned if you don't. She could tell him that she needs to be nc for a while.

Op, as others have suggested it's good to give your daughter support and to listen, but I wouldn't get too deeply involved in teenage relationships which normally burn hot and then run cold. Just listen and allow her to make her decisions. It might be important for them to get back together then break up again and so on...she might be the dumper next time.

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:46

YoureALizardHarry11 · 29/02/2024 08:43

I didn’t read that, only that he had dumped her by text and was then messing with her head. I think it’s a normal response when someone has hurt your child you would want to keep your eye on them - maybe not the correct approach but I can understand why OP reacted that way.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:47

Stopwiththedamnrain · 29/02/2024 08:41

You're doing all the right things. We all been through this around that age and kind support and reassurance is key. It's very early days and she's obviously in shock as well as grieving, so needs gentle support from you and her good friends over the next week or so. She'll get over him with time and patience.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:48

She’s allowed to be angry with someone who is messing with her daughter’s emotions, and she’s allowed to be upset and comfort her daughter when she’s in emotional distress. Her coping strategies will actually be better for it than if she had a mother who was unresponsive/ minimally responsive to her. I know that’s hard for some to believe, but I for one struggle emotionally as an adult because my mum wrongly thought a ‘’stiff upper lip’’ was the way forward.

Thank you for this

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Reported

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:50

How do I get this thread removed please?

I've screenshot anything helpful and it's now just becoming a playground for bullies and my mental health already isn't good, so I want it gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:53

Mumsnet can you please remove this post please since you aren't able or willing to deal with personal attacks towards an OP.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:57

@DrunkenElephant

You asked me what I'd have wanted from my own mother in this situation. I was so deeply traumatised from her loss at my daughter's age that I answered honestly - anything. Just her presence in my bedroom while I cried. It literally wouldn't have mattered to me what she said. That was my hand on honest answer, not an attempt to make anyone feel guilty as I've been wrongly accused of. It was my honest answer. I'm not going to apologise for answering a poster's question honestly when they brought my own mother into this.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 09:04

tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 08:57

@DrunkenElephant

You asked me what I'd have wanted from my own mother in this situation. I was so deeply traumatised from her loss at my daughter's age that I answered honestly - anything. Just her presence in my bedroom while I cried. It literally wouldn't have mattered to me what she said. That was my hand on honest answer, not an attempt to make anyone feel guilty as I've been wrongly accused of. It was my honest answer. I'm not going to apologise for answering a poster's question honestly when they brought my own mother into this.

Meant to add - Since I still carry the deep painful trauma of her loss 30 years later, and I always have, it doesn't take a genius to work out why another poster mentioning her and what I'd have wanted from her was a huge trigger for me.

Also; putting the puzzle further together- and I'm not saying it was you personally who made these comments because it wasn't - but when posters have accused me of being the reason my daughter can't cope, or that I'm "not healthy" for her as a mum, obviously that also prods at a very deep trauma for me because when I had PND, h the crux of that for me was, "I'm a bad mum because I didn't have my own mum and therefore I don't know what I'm doing and I'm going to let my kids down". Thoughts like those have driven me to want to take my life at their worst of my PND.

So this entire thread has sent my mental health further south, basically.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 29/02/2024 09:08

Anyway, I've learned my lesson the hard way I guess. Don't ever post on mumsnet for actual support when you're in a low place. Noted.

OP posts: