DH always really angry when I'm unwell?

[Ohffffssssss]

Hi, been married to DH for 14 years, 2 primary age DC. I have chills, a fever, and my whole body is aching. Probably just a cold but I feel terrible. I am usually stoic & just get on with things but since DC are at school (dressed, fed & taken by me) I've decided to lie on the couch under a few blankets & try to stop the shivering. DH is a nightshift worker so to avoid waking him I only dome a quick clean with bleach etc & didn't do the dishes or hoover. I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee but too poorly so cancelled. Since he got up he has looked at me with absolute disgust, not asked if I'm okay or even cracked a smile. Instead he came storming in to tell me had a nosebleed. I'll admit I was less than enthusiastic but said oh that's wierd. He has then starting throwing things around, swearing, throwing DCs shoes in their rooms & told me our hoover is fucking useless. Why do some men behave like this!? Its made me so uncomfortable I genuinely nearly cried. He behaves this way every single time I'm unwell or he deems I don't tidy properly etc. I actually work full time however this is my allocated day off this week. He also ruins any special event like DDs birthday/nights out - anything that's not about him really. If I felt better I would just leave in the car but I can hardly even stand up. So upset & confused by this repeated behaviour.

Get out now before your children have to make a choice whether to be like him or behave like you. If you don't like that idea, then remember it's the reality for them

There seems absolutely no reason not to end the marriage.

Please take care, ring women's aid and get some advice how you can physically protect yourself because abuse and violence very often ramps up when women try to leave abusive men x

"I do think he would fight for custody to be honest"

Every woman believes and says this. In reality they hardly ever do and so what? You're doing right by your kids if you leave, keeping them there living on eggshells until they are teenagers will backfire on you and could ruin their lives.

Gosh. Easy LTB from me.

why stay??

It’s shit. He’s a cunt. Leave, you only get one life.

OP, you make me so sad. You sound so decent and kind and so broken by this toxic man. He is utterly hateful.

He loathes you being brutally honest. Unconsciously he resents the children who take your time away from him.

When you're better get your ducks in a row

I've just had a similar bout of illness, sore throat/fever and fatigue and dh took 3 days leave to take care of the children - school drop offs and pick ups and all household chores! I would also do the same if he was unwell, Its 100% not normal how your other half is behaving, like he's punishing you for being ill! Where's the love and care? In your situation I'd be hoping he'd leave me aswell....you deserve much, much better..as do your DC !

Hi OP.

This sounds like a potentially dangerous situation to be living in. Advice on the internet from strangers is not going to be useful for you.

Please consider reaching out to a supportive service like Refuge- to be extra safe I would advise you do this with some ones else's phone (the person you were meeting for coffee). They can provide you with much better advice than anyone can on here.

Good Lord. Leave him. Your kids deserve SO much better than this.

It sounds like two things are stopping you from leaving:

1. Worrying about the kids having to spend weekends with him
2. Utter fatigue. The EFFORT of leaving feels overwhelming

I would say this.

1. He will soon tire of having the kids every weekend. Honestly, he is so selfish and self-absorbed that the actual effort involved in having them alone: cooking meals/bathing/days out/engaging in chit-chat/overseeing homework etc, will soon bore him rigid, and he will start making excuses. He can still be in their lives but I don't think you need to worry about them being subjected to loads of time with him. I would also add, that every other fortnight alone with him is FAR better for them than every single day with him. He is modelling awful, narc behaviour right now, so the less they see of it, the better.
2. I know. That's the hardest bit. But IF you can just find the gumption to do it - you'll have maybe three months of exhausting battles and paperwork and arguments and then.... bliss. Utter bliss. And you will have SO much more energy to focus on yourself and your lovely DC.

My ex was like this, it was totally draining. I remember having flu & having to for back to bed (I was NEVER ill!) & he was shouting upstairs saying can you come down because I need to go to the gym!

He would rant & rave about ‘all the toys’.
Banged his hand on the table when my DD dropped ketchup.
Spent a full 5 mins berating me after I couldn’t remember if I’d cleaned the drainer when a plumber had been ‘you must remember, why can’t you remember - over & over’
And about a million other ridiculous situations over the years!

Then, when he’s calmed down, expected it to all be jolly again! When he decided.

Made my skin crawl in the end. Hated home life & for my DD & my own sake, I called time.

OP - reading your post reminds me of a boyfriend I used to date in my 20ies. He used to get angry when I was sick, if I asked him to go to the chemist to buy some Lemsip (only 3 mins walk from my flat) he'd be really upset, so I was even afraid if asking him.

If I met with my friends he'd say he's bored so I had to come home. I was constantly walking on eggshells and one day I realised I couldn't live like that. I left him and my country and never looked back. I am so glad I didn't have children with him, gosh! Lucky escape.

Ok, so you've identified his faults multiple times. Now you need to do something about it. If you stick around you're just enabling him to continue. It's your choice.

@Ohffffssssss

He expects impossible high standards of allmost perfection on the domestic front in regards of yourself and his family,

that i can have a guess, that even he could not live up to himself,
let alone anybody else,

funny he doesn't apply his own philosophy and logic to himself, such as continuously self improvement to the highest standards possible,

His family dynamics are the main issue too,
that have supported and enabling his problematic behaviour for so long...

He mistreats like he is your allmost constang nit picking boss who is on your case back looking for the next thing,
he can project , inflict onto you his uncomfortable undesirable feelings of insecurities whatever they are,
and
other issues too
your his convient scapegoat and his children are in the same way,

I think 🤔 he knows in reality like most or all men of his type do

that they have to keep you down in the emotionally gutter as much as they can get away,
so you will not have emotional energy or and insight to realise the very fact,
that he needs you far more than he wants you to know realise,
as this relationship is essentially relys on and is based on unhealthy dysfunctional balance that's way out of kilter of what a relantship should really be about...

This is so true op, especially 1. They make all the right noises but my ex puts his life first. Has my DD DH or 1 day per week & no sleepovers. Please don’t be put off by this, very rarely happens.

@Ohffffssssss

I meant to clarify his mother his family dynamics etc has enabled his problematic behaviour to such an extant

Every day you stay affects your children, I know because i stayed too long and my children suffered. His behaviour and you staying will affect your childrens relationships in the future.

That was my father, get your kids away from it. He will start on them and as they grow and become people in their own right he will not respond well. I am terrified of angering anyone and such a pathetic doormat I also can’t form friendships easily and it’s down to this behaviour from my Dad. He ruined things so often and at times his behaviour was utterly vile.

My friend had a partner like this. She loved him but that little voice warned her not to let him move in. They were engaged for three years. She found out he was also seeing another woman which was her fault because she wouldn't let him move in and marry her.

He was ex military, DH and I thought there was something off about him a sneakiness. We were all relieved when they broke up.

Weirdly he still tries to get back with her now and again. It's creepy.

This doesn’t seem that odd to me. Lots of people sometimes feel angry when they feel powerless. Also, just talking about me personally, I have ADHD and I often have a difficult time with negative changes. Switching tasks can be tough for people with ADHD, and a switch from “relaxing weekend day” to “in charge of trying to keep kids quiet all day because their dad is sick and needs to rest” makes me want to jump up and down and scream.

I deal with it internally, and don’t take it out on my husband or the kids. But yeah, sometimes I feel angry when my husband gets sick.

Thanks, @cerisepanther73 . 🙂

OP, a friend of my mother’s was in a similar situation, and finally got a divorce when most of her five kids were grown up. The younger four recognize that their dad is awful, but the oldest one has grown up to be just like him. That’s another thing to consider - do you want your kids to not only find his behavior normal, but to actually start acting like him?

Typo mistake constant *

She said “some men”

If you stay until they are older you are just putting more angst into their lives. Don't be worrying about not sending them to him. He'll threaten to go for full custody but I bet within weeks he won't see them at all. There is no excuse for staying with this man.