DH always really angry when I'm unwell?

[Ohffffssssss]

Hi, been married to DH for 14 years, 2 primary age DC. I have chills, a fever, and my whole body is aching. Probably just a cold but I feel terrible. I am usually stoic & just get on with things but since DC are at school (dressed, fed & taken by me) I've decided to lie on the couch under a few blankets & try to stop the shivering. DH is a nightshift worker so to avoid waking him I only dome a quick clean with bleach etc & didn't do the dishes or hoover. I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee but too poorly so cancelled. Since he got up he has looked at me with absolute disgust, not asked if I'm okay or even cracked a smile. Instead he came storming in to tell me had a nosebleed. I'll admit I was less than enthusiastic but said oh that's wierd. He has then starting throwing things around, swearing, throwing DCs shoes in their rooms & told me our hoover is fucking useless. Why do some men behave like this!? Its made me so uncomfortable I genuinely nearly cried. He behaves this way every single time I'm unwell or he deems I don't tidy properly etc. I actually work full time however this is my allocated day off this week. He also ruins any special event like DDs birthday/nights out - anything that's not about him really. If I felt better I would just leave in the car but I can hardly even stand up. So upset & confused by this repeated behaviour.

She can't just ignore him, she's married to him. This isn't one of the problems that goes away if you ignore it.

Typical behaviour from a narcissist.

Verbally attacking you at a low point is just unacceptable, so what the house is slightly untidy and you’ve taken tame to recuperate?

This is pathetic on his part, clearly needs reminding that your not going to tolerate this behaviour and that in future he should apologise for making you feel afraid / upset to be unwell in your own home with somebody who should care for you. What a twat he sounds. Sorry.

My other half does this and I always remind him that next time he sniffles don’t expect empathy unless you can act with respect when I’m unwell.

Sweetie, it feels like abuse because it is, and you feeling on edge when he is like this is fear.
Trust me, I've been in a relationship like this and it destroyed me. Thankfully I got out, took far longer than it should have but I did it.
If I were you I'd have a serious think. Is this what you want your DDs to believe is a healthy relationship?
Hope you're feeling better soon xx

Have a listen to this podcast - hope it will help you xx

https://drchatterjee.com/how-to-spot-a-narcissist-the-impact-of-toxic-relationships-building-healthy-boundaries-with-dr-ramani-durvasula/

@Ohffffssssss yes, I know it so well.
DH just caused here 3rd world war as I dropped and broke plate, it slipped from my oven glove while I was carrying it from microwave.
This was my very first item I broke in ages like in 15 years, however he got so angry that he already ordered a new whole set! Cos of a one broken plate!
As apparently I’m a such a disgrace and broke and ruined everything here!

@Ohffffssssss and when ill he just moans, I had Covid 2 yrs ago and I had to work like nothing even I was sick.
And when I sadly miscarried our baby 10 yrs ago I bled so heavily that he refused to take me to hospital as I would make his car dirty from blood.
Many years ago once I had a urine infection and I was in so much pain I couldn’t stand it at night so I begged him to take me to a&e, he parked 2 miles away from the hospital as he refused to park closer as he didn’t want to pay £4 and made me walk that 2 miles at 2am in the morning.

He is truly awful I’m so sorry he has and does treat you like this still.
Why have you stayed ?

This man is evil! If you haven't already then please leave today, you deserve better.

@RegimentalSturgeon

Your insightful good post 💯 per cent 👌 nails it on the head ...

Spot on . I married one . Can’t bear the thought you’re not at their beck and call.

Sounds like my ex, who was also astoundingly self-centered. If we were both sick, he was ten times more sick. If I was tired, his tiredness far exceeded mine. He did what he wanted, when he wanted. I finally had enough (see user name).

This thread brings back awful memories of my ex. Not only did he shout at me for daring to get a migraine while away as per my previous post, another time I left something belonging to our baby on a plane and I was completely devastated but he shouted at me as we walked through the airport in front of everyone. He was an awful person.

I really wish women would realise their worth and leave men like this. The damage it does to their kids and them is massive.

@existentialpain it brings up bad memories for me too. I once went on a hen do and had a few drinks and dropped and cracked my phone. I was dreading telling him. He went mad the next day and I ended up having to apologise to him for my stupidity. It’s only now he is an ex I can see how awful he was.

That sounds very familiar to me. There are so many men like it, and sadly so many women who put up with it. I did for years because of my difficult upbringing and thinking I didn't deserve any better. Once I realised I did, I could see how awful my ex was.

He’s an arsehole. It’s quite simple. No way could I live like that.

Your Husband is an abuser. He may well resort to physical violence. Leave him or kick him out.

This, exactly.

Poor OP's post brings back SO many memories. So many of us have experienced narcissistic abuse and it leaves you absolutely broken. I left my emotionally abusive exH 4 years ago after 25 years. My two dds had just turned 16 and 12 and I worried myself sick about not being around as an emotional buffer/punchbag when he saw them. He made very little effort for 18 months which we all loved. Now eldest is at uni and youngest spends a couple of days a fortnight with him - she doesn't want to, but isn't ready yet to say that. It is hard but it's SO much better for them not living with it 24/7. Since having a calm and supportive home life for the vast majority of the time, both girls have flourished. I met someone 18 months after the split and have recently remarried - they love him (it's mutual, he has no kids of his own but always wanted them. Dotes on us all). The girls were bridesmaids and my eldest gave a speech in which she thanked my new dh "for showing us we don't have to be scared of men" which blew everyone away.

Most important thing to add is that the kids' feelings and experiences need validating. My girls told me that they thought for years that I had no problem with their dad's behaviour - so they thought they were the ones with the issues. Obviously I was putting on a masterclass in how to cope with living like this, believing it was protecting the girls. It broke my heart to hear how they really felt (they had been scared to talk to me in case I told their Dad). We talk about everything now and I'm careful to separate Dad's behaviour (which is bad/unhelpful/damaging) from the person. Everyone is so focused on not denigrating the kids' other parent, but be aware that you can and should validate their feelings. Keep it about them and the behaviour that affects them. I hope everyone living with this kind of abuse gets out. I had counselling and it helped hugely. I am a million times happier and stronger now.

OP, please read up on narcissistic abuse - no abuser is always abusive or they'd have nobody to abuse. The abuse cycle is real and the behaving normally just after being foul, then blaming you if you can't behave normally back is a classic. Oh, and my ex tells anyone who will listen that I left him "for no reason" too! His current partner is lovely and I just hope she sees the light before he does too much damage. Take care. Xx