DH always really angry when I'm unwell?

[Ohffffssssss]

Hi, been married to DH for 14 years, 2 primary age DC. I have chills, a fever, and my whole body is aching. Probably just a cold but I feel terrible. I am usually stoic & just get on with things but since DC are at school (dressed, fed & taken by me) I've decided to lie on the couch under a few blankets & try to stop the shivering. DH is a nightshift worker so to avoid waking him I only dome a quick clean with bleach etc & didn't do the dishes or hoover. I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee but too poorly so cancelled. Since he got up he has looked at me with absolute disgust, not asked if I'm okay or even cracked a smile. Instead he came storming in to tell me had a nosebleed. I'll admit I was less than enthusiastic but said oh that's wierd. He has then starting throwing things around, swearing, throwing DCs shoes in their rooms & told me our hoover is fucking useless. Why do some men behave like this!? Its made me so uncomfortable I genuinely nearly cried. He behaves this way every single time I'm unwell or he deems I don't tidy properly etc. I actually work full time however this is my allocated day off this week. He also ruins any special event like DDs birthday/nights out - anything that's not about him really. If I felt better I would just leave in the car but I can hardly even stand up. So upset & confused by this repeated behaviour.

Please don't wait until the children are older, my worst memories of my abusive dad are mainly from when I was primary school aged. I know you can't prevent him from having access (will he really bother though) but my mum took us out on the odd day trip that my dad didn't want to go on and just those few hours without dad there were like an oasis in the desert. When I got to my teens dad was still bad but being older I was better able to cope. It's precisely when kids are that young that they need protecting the most.

Have you asked him this question?

This exactly!

I dont get angry at him but yes I feel angry, it’s very strange

It is classic narc to be totally unpleasant to get what you want and then pretend it never happened. Basic abuse 101. Abusive people tell themselves they are nice people. Excuses all the self centered nastiness they inflict.

They are 9 and 7. We do most things alone without him at weekends etc and I'm fortunate to be able to take them on holidays with friends but holidays with DH are just so intense and awful that nobody really enjoys them. He regularly goes off and does his own thing abroad anyway as he wants DC to go on outings that they aren't interested in so I do things with them separately. I'm interested in a PP who gets angry when her partner is ill, I just can't understand this thought process. I can assure you my day has been a lot worse than his today!

It's always has to be about him really doesn't it. I used to be married to someone like that, it was like living with an adult child🙄
Sending hugs OP and hopefully you feel much better soon 💐

I am really sorry, this is how men behave to women they don't love or even like.

Men of this type do not like women in general.

I’m so sorry. He is abusive and he’s a selfish, cruel pig. I doubt there’s much underneath the ‘nice’ mask he puts on. I was with a narcissist. They’re not right. Don’t waste your time trying to explain to him.

Can you leave him? You say you’re hoping he’ll leave you but I’d quietly and secretly get yourself sorted and then leave him.

Sorry you have this horrible virus. It’s not just a cold, it’s sweating and shivers and awful aches. I hope you feel better soon.

Good grief, PLEASE LEAVE @Ohffffssssss He sounds utterly vile.

He’s an abusive cunt. Leave him

Don't wait.

Sort out what needs sorting, and leave. He is NOT going to force the kids to see him, because they won't want to so it won't boost his ego, it'll be a ton of work for him, he'll be the carer not the cared for and he can't stand that.

He will bluster and talk a load of shit, tell you he's going for full custody blah blah, its all hot air.

He behaves like this because as far as he is concerned, you've become ill to spite him, to get out of caring for him, to inconvenience him. That is how he feels, he has no ability OR desire to empathise or offer sympathy, because theres no room in his head for anyone but him, any needs except his own.

Reading this book is something I would recommend with all my heart

He doesn't love you.
Leave him

No it's perfectly understandable.

She's not a loved one. She's a support human for his life. When she's ill, she's not doing her job of supporting him and his life. Hence his rage.

Oh bless you, you poor love. Hope you start feeling better soon. And when you are, have a good long think about whether you want to stay with this man who clearly only cares for himself and his own comfort. Sadly, there's a pattern of behaviour here that I don't think will change. He sounds like a spoilt brat...sorry. xxx

It depends...men seem to think they can stop doing all housework and childcare when they get sick, whereas women often still have to get on with it. See the thread 'what was your glass by the dishwater moment' thread, so many abusive men.

Maybe @DaftFlerken is angry at some double standards.

He is a cunt.

Don't wait until your children are older. The longer you wait, the more damage is done. Do yourself and them a kindness and make plans to leave sooner rather than later.