Page 2 | DH always really angry when I'm unwell?

Marmalade71 · 28/02/2024 13:41

I don't have anything to say but please leave him. For your sake but also your kids. He literally views you as a possession. ☹️

Nanny0gg · 28/02/2024 13:42

Ohffffssssss · 28/02/2024 13:25

Hi, been married to DH for 14 years, 2 primary age DC. I have chills, a fever, and my whole body is aching. Probably just a cold but I feel terrible. I am usually stoic & just get on with things but since DC are at school (dressed, fed & taken by me) I've decided to lie on the couch under a few blankets & try to stop the shivering. DH is a nightshift worker so to avoid waking him I only dome a quick clean with bleach etc & didn't do the dishes or hoover. I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee but too poorly so cancelled. Since he got up he has looked at me with absolute disgust, not asked if I'm okay or even cracked a smile. Instead he came storming in to tell me had a nosebleed. I'll admit I was less than enthusiastic but said oh that's wierd. He has then starting throwing things around, swearing, throwing DCs shoes in their rooms & told me our hoover is fucking useless. Why do some men behave like this!? Its made me so uncomfortable I genuinely nearly cried. He behaves this way every single time I'm unwell or he deems I don't tidy properly etc. I actually work full time however this is my allocated day off this week. He also ruins any special event like DDs birthday/nights out - anything that's not about him really. If I felt better I would just leave in the car but I can hardly even stand up. So upset & confused by this repeated behaviour.

When you're better, ducks in a row and leave then

It will always be about him

shreknjumps · 28/02/2024 13:42

"In his defence he has very rarely behaved like this in front of the kids & I do shield them from it but they do comment daddy's in a bad mood etc."

No, you're not shielding them from it at all. They'll be home from school shortly right into this tension. You're defending him and waiting for him to make the decision. Take charge and tell him to leave, it's the only thing that will protect those kids.

Pigeonqueen · 28/02/2024 13:43

This is really abusive behaviour. It’s actually scary. Please leave him. You can’t be safe around someone like this.

Original poster

Ohffffssssss · 28/02/2024 13:44

shreknjumps · 28/02/2024 13:42

"In his defence he has very rarely behaved like this in front of the kids & I do shield them from it but they do comment daddy's in a bad mood etc."

No, you're not shielding them from it at all. They'll be home from school shortly right into this tension. You're defending him and waiting for him to make the decision. Take charge and tell him to leave, it's the only thing that will protect those kids.

Whilst I agree they'll be home soon, he is now feeling chirpy & trying to talk to me as if nothing has happened. This part also confuses me. How can we go from absolute rage & throwing a hoover to asking me if I've watched a TV programme!? It makes me feel like I'm going insane.

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 28/02/2024 13:45

He also ruins any special event like DDs birthday/nights out - anything that's not about him really. If I felt better I would just leave in the car but I can hardly even stand up.

Don’t think about leaving him today-you are clearly not well. Leave him once you are better-he sounds like an arse.

EverybodyLTB · 28/02/2024 13:46

Narcissistic abuse. They always ruin special events and go nuts when you’re ill or have something that stops you in your servitude. They’re fucking disgusting and once you’re better start googling narc abuse. There are some accounts on Instagram that describe narcissistic abuse brilliantly. There’s nothing you can do right now, they weave a tight web and you’re unwell. Stay on the sofa, get yourself better, and think about it when you have the strength to address the fact that narcs are runners and they categorically do not change.

SecondUsername4me · 28/02/2024 13:46

In his defence...

Why defend him to us? We are a bunch if nameless strangers. If you cannot be fully honest with strangers about him, you'll never fix this. Stop trying to defend him when he is clearly awful. We don't need you to try and defend him.

Gloriosaford · 28/02/2024 13:47

Ohffffssssss · 28/02/2024 13:44

Whilst I agree they'll be home soon, he is now feeling chirpy & trying to talk to me as if nothing has happened. This part also confuses me. How can we go from absolute rage & throwing a hoover to asking me if I've watched a TV programme!? It makes me feel like I'm going insane.

Show quote history

He views you with contempt and has no regard whatsoever for your feelings, he acts like nothing happened because to him you don't qualify as a person whose feelings matter.
He treats you cruelly and then laughs it off because in his mind you are nothing.
You are important, you must not let him treat you like this, you must make a plan to free yourself and your children from this situation.

Gloriosaford · 28/02/2024 13:51

If you possibly can act normal don't give him any indication that you have plans to escape from. Once he senses that you are checking out he will up his game and make it more difficult for you.
Try to keep him reasonably sweet so that he is 'quiet' and does not make things harder for you.
Make a plan privately. Try to make it so that he knows nothing about it until you are gone and he can't damage you anymore.

Original poster

Ohffffssssss · 28/02/2024 13:51

Thank you for all the replies you are confirming what I already know. Any love I have for him shrivells up & dies with each 'event'. I believe he is a narcissist having had a quick look online, and he only really cares about himself. Even our kids don't come first. The thing is outwith these things I find it really hard to be affectionate towards him or enjoy his company at all, whereas he is always telling me he loves me etc. Sometimes I don't even reply. I suppose I'm saying in his defence because I don't want to make myself appear like a bad mum, which I unintentionally am. I also selfishly don't want to have to send the kids to him as I know they wouldn't want to go.

OP posts:

AffIt · 28/02/2024 13:53

I actually think this is a perfect time to say NAMALT: my OH is one of the kindest and most compassionate humans I have ever met. He has booked a fortnight's leave in advance of some upcoming surgery I have (which will leave me pretty incapacitated) to make sure I'm okay.

Examples such as this are important, because it spells out to the OP that her partner's behaviour is NOT OKAY and she should move on: there are decent, kind men out there and she deserves to be in a relationship with somebody who treats her as a human and not a domestic appliance.

Gloriosaford · 28/02/2024 13:53

I also selfishly don't want to have to send the kids to him as I know they wouldn't want to go
My dear, that is not you being selfish, that is you being a good mother and protecting your children from a bad man.

CHIRIBAYA · 28/02/2024 13:55

I'm glad there's a 'part' of you that recognises this as abuse. I'm guessing there's another 'part' of you that self abandons to placate him. He is projecting onto you plain and simple, 'his' disgust, 'his' self loathing etc no wonder he is light and chirpy, he's just got rid of all his stuff onto you. If you feel the part of you that sees this is abusive is not strong enough, get some help so that you do not continue to expose yourself or your children to this toxicity. Good luck.

TeapotCollection · 28/02/2024 13:57

He sounds exactly like my ex

Note the word ‘ex’

He won’t get any better, please leave. If you can’t do it for yourself do it for your children

Notsogreatt · 28/02/2024 13:59

My DH is the same.
Sadly I got nowhere to go as got no family in this country and anywhere else really.
i got no money, only debts so I wouldn’t survive a day on my own.
Also I’m sahm so everything is expected from me.
When I’m ill and I am often as I have chronic illness which eventually will be terminal I can’t rest or anything., but when he has man flu, he goes to bed and I have to look after him.
Every day he moans how badly I did the dishes, how this needs doing, this is not right, how lazy I’m and golddigger etc, what a shitty food I bought and cooked.
None is true, not goldgigger we are renting as can’t afford house, I have debts and he too, however I’m the rubbish wife who he has to go behind and tidy ( he has bad OCD so everything has to be in right order)
Also yes, he is horrible and 10 mins later he acts like nothing happened, sweet talking, but 10 mins ago I was fucking c…and useless lazy.

Motherrr · 28/02/2024 14:03

He sounds horrible. There are other men out there who would treat you better. Not healthy for your children to see this either. Sorry you're being treated this way

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 28/02/2024 14:08

Have you read Why Does He Do That? It is a brilliant book that clearly lays out the reasons behind all the behaviour in your partner that you find so confusing:

https://ia902506.us.archive.org/17/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf

Gloriosaford · 28/02/2024 14:10

AffIt · 28/02/2024 13:53

I actually think this is a perfect time to say NAMALT: my OH is one of the kindest and most compassionate humans I have ever met. He has booked a fortnight's leave in advance of some upcoming surgery I have (which will leave me pretty incapacitated) to make sure I'm okay.

Examples such as this are important, because it spells out to the OP that her partner's behaviour is NOT OKAY and she should move on: there are decent, kind men out there and she deserves to be in a relationship with somebody who treats her as a human and not a domestic appliance.

I know you're probably right I know this is probably true, that the bad men are in the minority. But even so they are a large minority, so many of them just exploit women any and every chance they get 😡

Pigeonqueen · 28/02/2024 14:15

Notsogreatt · 28/02/2024 13:59

My DH is the same.
Sadly I got nowhere to go as got no family in this country and anywhere else really.
i got no money, only debts so I wouldn’t survive a day on my own.
Also I’m sahm so everything is expected from me.
When I’m ill and I am often as I have chronic illness which eventually will be terminal I can’t rest or anything., but when he has man flu, he goes to bed and I have to look after him.
Every day he moans how badly I did the dishes, how this needs doing, this is not right, how lazy I’m and golddigger etc, what a shitty food I bought and cooked.
None is true, not goldgigger we are renting as can’t afford house, I have debts and he too, however I’m the rubbish wife who he has to go behind and tidy ( he has bad OCD so everything has to be in right order)
Also yes, he is horrible and 10 mins later he acts like nothing happened, sweet talking, but 10 mins ago I was fucking c…and useless lazy.

Have you applied for PIP? You should if you haven’t. I have lupus, Addisons etc all kinds of chronic issues and get Pip at the enhanced rate long term. It will give you some of your own money - please don’t stay with someone like this.

YankSplaining · 28/02/2024 14:18

Notsogreatt · 28/02/2024 13:59

My DH is the same.
Sadly I got nowhere to go as got no family in this country and anywhere else really.
i got no money, only debts so I wouldn’t survive a day on my own.
Also I’m sahm so everything is expected from me.
When I’m ill and I am often as I have chronic illness which eventually will be terminal I can’t rest or anything., but when he has man flu, he goes to bed and I have to look after him.
Every day he moans how badly I did the dishes, how this needs doing, this is not right, how lazy I’m and golddigger etc, what a shitty food I bought and cooked.
None is true, not goldgigger we are renting as can’t afford house, I have debts and he too, however I’m the rubbish wife who he has to go behind and tidy ( he has bad OCD so everything has to be in right order)
Also yes, he is horrible and 10 mins later he acts like nothing happened, sweet talking, but 10 mins ago I was fucking c…and useless lazy.

I just want to make sure you know this - being a SAHM doesn’t mean that “everything” should be expected of you. The “job description” is that you take care of the kids and the house while your husband is at work. Not that you do all the work in the house, not that you do all the work taking care of the kids.

Is there a women’s shelter you can go to with your children?

NonPlayerCharacter · 28/02/2024 14:21

BlondeFool · 28/02/2024 13:27

Not all men. He sounds vile.

That's why she said "some men".

NonPlayerCharacter · 28/02/2024 14:24

Ohffffssssss · 28/02/2024 13:44

Whilst I agree they'll be home soon, he is now feeling chirpy & trying to talk to me as if nothing has happened. This part also confuses me. How can we go from absolute rage & throwing a hoover to asking me if I've watched a TV programme!? It makes me feel like I'm going insane.

Show quote history

His moods, needs and feelings are the only ones that matter and you should be managing and handling them. So when he's angry you need to take his abuse, and when he's got it out of his system and doesn't want to be reminded of it - to maintain his self-image - you need to go along with that too.

It comes down to that. I'm sure he has a sob story about why you must put up with this from him, but it comes down to that.

Excited101 · 28/02/2024 14:27

kids can only be shielded so much. They pick up on far more than people think they do. Please leave, your relationship is teaching them everything they’ll know about ‘love’ and it’s wrong.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 28/02/2024 14:48

@Notsogreatt

I wouldn’t survive a day on my own.

This sounds like something someone has said to you so many times that you believe it. I'm guessing it's your partner, telling you all the time "You couldn't last day without me" so that you feel frightened and helpless and dependent.

I think you could last a day without him. I think you could probably last the rest of your life without him. I think you are a lot stronger than he wants you to ever realise.