DH always really angry when I'm unwell?

[Ohffffssssss]

Hi, been married to DH for 14 years, 2 primary age DC. I have chills, a fever, and my whole body is aching. Probably just a cold but I feel terrible. I am usually stoic & just get on with things but since DC are at school (dressed, fed & taken by me) I've decided to lie on the couch under a few blankets & try to stop the shivering. DH is a nightshift worker so to avoid waking him I only dome a quick clean with bleach etc & didn't do the dishes or hoover. I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee but too poorly so cancelled. Since he got up he has looked at me with absolute disgust, not asked if I'm okay or even cracked a smile. Instead he came storming in to tell me had a nosebleed. I'll admit I was less than enthusiastic but said oh that's wierd. He has then starting throwing things around, swearing, throwing DCs shoes in their rooms & told me our hoover is fucking useless. Why do some men behave like this!? Its made me so uncomfortable I genuinely nearly cried. He behaves this way every single time I'm unwell or he deems I don't tidy properly etc. I actually work full time however this is my allocated day off this week. He also ruins any special event like DDs birthday/nights out - anything that's not about him really. If I felt better I would just leave in the car but I can hardly even stand up. So upset & confused by this repeated behaviour.

My ex did this too - even down to the looks of disgust. He would expect me to get lost and be annoyed if he had to do any caring duties. He also ticked many other boxes for narcissistic traits and this was just one of them.

Oh God, OP - he sounds awful!

Agree with others that said he sounds like a narcissist. He should be stepping up and looking after you when you're ill.

That whole 'messing up special occasions' thing isn't normal either.

You feel worn down because he has worn you down. Men who verbally abuse their sick partner and throw things etc are abusive. You are in an abusive relationship, OP.

Please try to find some time to call Women's Aid and chat through his behaviour. They will clarify a few things for you and hopefully help you to prioritise yourself and your children.

I'm not scared of him physically but I feel on edge when he is here & in a bad mood. Your kids will feel exactly the same. Please try to get them away from him, OP.

I do hope you feel better soon.

@Ohffffssssss

The only man I know that behaves like this in real life is my friends partner who's abusive.

Not many men behave like this op. Your partner is an arsehole.

Fucking hell what an absolute twat. I would honestly get rid of someone like this.

& a part of me thinks its abusive

and it would be correct.

I get angry when DH is unwell but don't tend to throw things & shout at him as it's not his fault. I think it's the feeling helpless thing that I just find so frustrating

What your describing is abusive behaviour. I had an ex the same, even when recovering from giving birth he was a vile bully! The kids will absolutely pick up on it however much you try to sheild them. Call womens aid, they will help you see this more clearly.

Meatymeatytimetoeaty · Today 13:27

He sounds like a narcissist.

What @Meatymeatytimetoeaty . Spoiling birthdays of other people is an absolutely classic indicator of a narcisst. As is having a tantrum if the spouse/partner is unwell.

The former is because they can't bear anyone else being the centre of attention The latter is because they see people, their partner in particular, the same as a normal person would view a fridge or a washing machine. It's useful so long as its working and they quite like it. If it's not functioning to assist them or breaks down, then it will get chucked out without so much as a second glance because a person is like an appliance. They don't care because they can get a new one.

I've just caught up on all the comments as went for a nap & DCs went to their friends for tea so not back yet. I'm sorry other people have experienced this too, it really isn't a nice way to live. When I say he rarely behaves this way in front of the kids I mean the shouting & throwing household appliances. He does sulk, disapprove & on special occasions will leave the house or room & make it about himself. I know they are being impacted & it's not normal behaviour. It's become so awful that I have said no more holidays together as his behaviour is so unstable, he stormed away in an airport last year & left us because the ticket machine wasn't working. I know none of this is normal & to be honest I do plan to leave him once the kids are a bit older & I don't need to force them to see him every weekend etc. The funeral post really resonated with me as after I lost my mother last year he phoned me shouting that he was bored & I needed to come home. I was on my way to the funeral home to make arrangements. I will never forgive him.

Once I took my OH with me to the doctors after he’d had a massive go at me for having to come home from work because I was having major health anxiety (about something that actually turned out to be very serious). I was in tears and told the doctor that he had been nasty to me and she had a right go at him - really put him in his place. He showed his true colours and I’m not sure I have ever actually forgiven him and will definitely never forget. Since then, I’ve had a few other illnesses and a stint in hospital and he was very supportive. They don’t like their cushy routines being put under any pressure.

this man sounds 'primitive', not in control of himself at all, some sort of proto hominid!
what a fecking twit he is!

...to be honest I do plan to leave him once the kids are a bit older & I don't need to force them to see him every weekend etc.

He could do a lot of damage in those waiting years.

If he is abusive and has a temper around the kids, SS can intervene to stop visits, if he goes for partial custody.

To be honest, I really doubt he'd want the kids at weekends as he would be the one who had to do all of the work and put the kids first. From what you've said, he's not capable of that.

If he can't put the hoover round while you're ill without going into a rage, how is he going to cope with lone parenting at weekends?

My narcissistic ex was the same. One time we were staying in a hotel and I got a truly horrific migraine. He shouted at me for hours blaming me for ruining everything. He had no concept that I didn't even want the migraine, as far as he was concerned I had got it to spite him.

Best thing I ever did was leave him. You really don't want your kids growing up to be in relationships like that or becoming or narcissists themselves.

He sounds a total prick.
Leave him now.
Why are you bringing your kids up with this toxic man?
He is so self centred he will probably not spend much time with them alone anyway

Classic narcissistic behaviour right there

You need to dump him he is abusive and a terrible example to your children.

He sounds like an awful man. Sorry.
when I’m ill dh will bring up food if I can’t make it down and I’ll do same for him - tbh he hates a fuss so I just tend to leave him be to sleep - but I’ll bring up what he needs if necessary. No-one would expect the ill one to do housework etc.

Please don’t wait til the children are older, they’re being taught how to behave by him; behaviour like this is cyclical, plus why should you suffer any longer? Do you really think he’ll want them more the bare minimum? Stop torturing yourself and get out. This isn’t how life is supposed to be.

@Notsogreatt

@YankSplaining Really good insightful post for @Notsogreatt to think 🤔 about and look into ect,

I am on PIP disability benefit it make a noticeable difference
and cause of your present circumstances you could well be entiled to enhanced PIP disability benefit rates too,

You can apply online or vist citizens advice bureau appointment or charitable organisation can help you on your behalf too with applying for it too,

OP- he should be making you a cup of tea not throwing shoes around. What appalling behaviour.