DH always really angry when I'm unwell?

[Ohffffssssss]

Hi, been married to DH for 14 years, 2 primary age DC. I have chills, a fever, and my whole body is aching. Probably just a cold but I feel terrible. I am usually stoic & just get on with things but since DC are at school (dressed, fed & taken by me) I've decided to lie on the couch under a few blankets & try to stop the shivering. DH is a nightshift worker so to avoid waking him I only dome a quick clean with bleach etc & didn't do the dishes or hoover. I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee but too poorly so cancelled. Since he got up he has looked at me with absolute disgust, not asked if I'm okay or even cracked a smile. Instead he came storming in to tell me had a nosebleed. I'll admit I was less than enthusiastic but said oh that's wierd. He has then starting throwing things around, swearing, throwing DCs shoes in their rooms & told me our hoover is fucking useless. Why do some men behave like this!? Its made me so uncomfortable I genuinely nearly cried. He behaves this way every single time I'm unwell or he deems I don't tidy properly etc. I actually work full time however this is my allocated day off this week. He also ruins any special event like DDs birthday/nights out - anything that's not about him really. If I felt better I would just leave in the car but I can hardly even stand up. So upset & confused by this repeated behaviour.

My ex husband was like this.
When l slipped outside our front door and broke my ankle he finished his shift at work before coming home, then grumbled about having to take me to hospital.
Then l asked him to help me to the car, l'd actually passed out when l tried to put weight on my ankle. He shouted at me to 'try and help yourself, try to walk!'
I wish we'd had camera phones back then. His face when they came back with the xrays and said l'd broken it in three places, and needed surgery.
Later on he accused me of 'doing it deliberately' to avoid going to Relate (!) and having sex with him. I had five months off work and had to have physio to learn to walk again, it was such a bad break.
Trust me, OP, it doesn't get any better. I'd be seriously considering if you want to live the next 40 years like this. He's behaving dreadfully towards you and your children. Do you want them to think this is normal behaviour?
I hope you feel better soon x

Can you literally say to him “what kind of husband gets angry because his wife is unwell? Does that make any sense to you?”

Get a conversation going about his anger.

My DP had a couple of years of anger issues due to life stuff - I literally said to him how shit it is that angry men make their wives and children miserable and is that how he wants everyone to see him? He agreed to sort himself out and started catching himself and apologising. He never ever gets moody now, he’s embarrassed about that time.

What the children want to do will be taken into account when they are about 11.

This, OP.

Leave. But be careful. This type gets really nasty when you do. Are the children old enough to state their preference and be considered?

He sounds like a shit tbh. I always say, if they aren't adding anything of value to your life then ditch them. What's the point otherwise?

You should have made him do all the chores himself!

What was he like before children?
Did this behaviour escalate when you were pregnant?
What happened when you were early postpartum - was he hands on acting like the hero?

He is an abusive git that has no care for you. Please read the thread running at the moment " glass beside the dishwasher moment and make this your moment. He doesn't like you.

NARCISSIST!!!! God this was my ExDH absolutely. I gave birth…he had a cold. I was sick…he would actually step over me and be so so cruel but if he was sick he needed extreme levels of support. He tried to ruin every holiday birthday or get together. Every single one. I didn’t know what narcissism was but when I read about it all made sense. Not to be scary for you but of course he was having an affair and we divorced. He still acts like narc with DC but I have educated and armed them with appropriate coping skills. But it started with never “allowing” me to be sick. I hope you feel better soon OP.

I could've written this about my ex! The final straw was when someone I loved died and he followed me around shouting at me while I was trying to pack for the funeral 😶i just kept thinking "oh my God, imagine I got cancer or something, he'd just do this all day every day"

I left him. In a one bed flat with my toddler and life is 800 times better/easier/more joyful/less stressful.

If you want to you can do it. Also get well soon. Xxxxxx

I'm sorry you are in this situation.
These are signs you can't keep ignoring.
Make plans OP to free yourself and DC from this bully. It won't get better.

Oh my God, overshare sorry but I am so triggered 😂just remembered when I was 8 months pregnant and started to get super blurry vision. I called the maternity unit who told me to come straight in to see them because obviously that's a sign of pre-eclampsia. He greed to drive me there but moaned furiously the whole way about his cold (while I literally couldn't see and was worried I and or my baby might die). And then halfway there he was convinced his front wheel was making a noise (i couldn't hear anything) so he had to pull over for 25 mins and inspect it. Aaaaaargggggh.....

Oh my god OP. He is abusive. Very abusive, and chooses to do so when you’re at your most vulnerable and weak. What an absolutely shitty thing to do. Please try and make a plan to leave him sooner rather than later. It’s not right for you or your kids.

there are decent men out there and he is not one of them. You needn’t live like this.

Please read Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why does he do that?' - it's an excellent way of understanding abusive men and why they behave the way they do. Here's a pdf of the whole book: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi8mOCUsc6EAxUwgP0HHV_jAOIQFnoECA8QAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt

I was going to say this too, unfortunately.

After all, we all swear or feel pissed off when the dishwasher or hoover suddenly breaks down.

This is definitely a form of domestic abuse 🥺

Most men don't behave like that, it's abusive, he doesn't do it in front of the kids because he knows it's abusive

That's the plan (script)

His service animal is out of service. That's why.

His skivvy is malfunctioning and he doesn't like it. please have some self-respect and get away. You and your children don't deserve this and I can guarantee that they have not been shielded from any of it and every day you stay is damaging them further.

Yes it is abusive. Stop denying your intuition and lying to yourself. You cant understand his behavior because you are trying to excuse it as normal/loving/husbandly. Its horribly cruel. And its totally predictable. This is who he is.

Your thread title is very wrong.... it's not just when you're unwell, it's all the time!

Honestly? Time for a brutal talk and see if he can change...

I also selfishly don't want to have to send the kids to him as I know they wouldn't want to go.

Don't unintentionally use this as an excuse to stay. The high statistics that show women as main parent shows men like this hardly want to have their dc after divorce.

He’s acting like this because he sees looking after the children as your job and you should be doing it and because you aren’t he begrudges you.

remind him that you are both joint parents and when one happens to be ill the other pulls the extra weight! Tell that man baby to grow the hell up.