Wanting to take a pause because BF can't come to funeral?

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 2024-02-27T22:59:59+00:00

I have been seeing someone (we had broken up in the past but are now back together) for a little while but my personal life has been tricky. I had a sister with a long history of addiction and ED issues, which sadly she has lost her battle with. We as a family are close, supported and have had many close shaves over the years with this so we are doing ok. He works in a very busy job in another city and it's more of a vocation than a job. It has come between us in the past, he tells me many of his colleagues find it hard to get successful relationships. The crux of the matter is he cannot come to the funeral. I'm almost ok about it but the logistics of seeing him is causing me stress. He's telling me hours here and there he can be free over the next few days and has offered to do a big shop for the family. He has such guilt I think but I am finding it hard to worry about him and I almost want to say 'stop for a moment, can I just take a breath and if you can't come to the funeral, can I just spend time with my family and see you afterwards when you have time off?'. He's being lovely so I feel guilt. AIBU?

TheSlantedOwl · 27/02/2024 23:01

Don’t ask him for that. Tell him that’s what you’re doing - focusing on your family and you’ll see him soon.

Why are you agonising over his feelings when he should be doing everything to support yours right now?

Smartiepants79 · 27/02/2024 23:02

I think it’s ok to tell him you need to prioritise your family for a few weeks. Tell him you appreciate the efforts and attempts to do what he can but that it’s ok and he doesn’t have to feel guilty.

Original poster

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 27/02/2024 23:06

I'm agonising over his feelings as I can see he feels terrible.

In my job, I'd be able to just say 'I'm going to a funeral' and I'm finding it hard to understand that's not every world. But giving me a free afternoon here or there doesn't work for where my head is at.

OP posts:

opentoadvice88 · 27/02/2024 23:08

It would be a permanent break for me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/02/2024 23:09

Support works this way; care in, dump out. You're the one suffering at the moment. He cares for you, you dump to him. He might be struggling but that currently isn't your problem.

And yes, take a pause. You're a people pleaser. Please yourself for a while.

SavBlancTonight · 27/02/2024 23:11

Tell him you don't have the emotional bandwidth to deal with complicated plans or additional decision making. H
If he wants to make the effort to come and see you, you would appreciate it, but he will have to do so knowing you won't know exactly where you are ans what you are doing and he would just need to fit in.

MeinKraft · 27/02/2024 23:13

Why are you feeling guilty? He's supposed to be behaving nicely, you deserve someone who will be lovely to you.

Original poster

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 27/02/2024 23:13

It's like I feel guilt because he's planning to drive to my city tomorrow but I can't think about where I will be. He keeps telling me not to worry about him, he's just happy to be nearby but it's dividing me. I want him there when I have a bad minute, not between 6pm - 2pm Thursday to Friday.

I also find it hard to hear how upset he is he can't make the funeral.

OP posts:

PartingGift · 27/02/2024 23:26

Sorry for the loss of your sister.

I work in the NHS, and in my experience time off for funerals is only "allowed" if it is for a first degree relative of yours, such as your parent or sibling.

One of my friends missed her own aunts funeral as no one else could cover her. One of my colleagues would have missed her father in laws funeral, but my other colleague offered to swap shifts with her. It's shit, but depending on where he works he genuinely may not be able to take the day off.

iwiporangi · 27/02/2024 23:27

opentoadvice88 · 27/02/2024 23:08

It would be a permanent break for me.

Harsh

Original poster

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 27/02/2024 23:28

He works in TV and says he will be breaking his contract to leave. I'm really genuinely trying to see his side and be kind but it feels like an extra stress.

OP posts:

iwiporangi · 27/02/2024 23:31

Hell's teeth. All this bloke wants to do is find a way of supporting the OP, despite him working in a different city to her. If he wasn't supportive, pp would be LTBing all over the place.
@ChimneySweepLiverpool , you just need to tell him that you appreciate that he is trying to make it work on the day, but you would feel much happier if he was there for you once the funeral was over and you were back at home

Original poster

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 27/02/2024 23:48

I sent him a message saying it was making me feel divided by two cities and I will see him once in the next couple days and then in two weeks (after funeral) when he's back from his job. He's pushing back on it a bit, out of guilt I think, but I'm finding it a bit much.

OP posts:

saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/02/2024 00:01

Hmm

First and foremost so sorry for the loss of your sister.

To your real question , and it’s one that many won’t understand… “Can you be with a person that can’t put you at the front every time” It’s a fair question!

I can only tell you my experience. I married a firefighter/paramedic but this isn’t unique to them. They are, for all practical purposes, off limits when on shift and scheduled to work. They make up for what they can’t do as they can and I know there is terrible guilt when they can’t be available.

It’s a balance. I went into my relationship with eyes wide open but there have been times where I’ve been resentful…annoyed… fed up..etc. But for the most part it works for us.

At the end of the day only you can decide if will work for you. But I’ve found that generally the people that can thrive in a relationship like this is one where there is a lot of respect and where the ‘trailing spouse’ is comfortable on their own when needed.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/02/2024 00:06

Oh and for the practical bit… yeah his guilt isn’t for you to manage. I feel lik that’s one of the first lessons I learned.

If he can’t be there… disappointing but that’s about it. He needs to reconcile the guilt of not being there (which in fairness I’m sure is genuine). That’s what he chose by way of profession so he needs to figure that out and not lay at your feet.

iwafs · 28/02/2024 00:12

Just no

He should have cancelled absolutely anything to attend your sister's funeral with you.

My stepfather died last month. My dh was supposed to be at a meeting that his presence was mandatory at - as in, it was written into this client's contract that my dh personally must attend every meeting. DH called the client, explained there was a family funeral and the client understood - and did not insist on the contractual obligation of his presence at that particular meeting. The meeting couldn't be rearranged as too many people were present - but a colleague of dh's went for him.

Whatever your boyfriend does, it cannot be so important that he doesn't attend your sister's funeral.

Catladyireland · 28/02/2024 00:15

Like @saltinesandcoffeecups one of my closest friends is married to a paramedic who often misses weddings, life events due to his work and they make it work. A funeral can feel different though.

It sounds as if you're doing a long distance relationship which is being really challenged by what has happened (so sorry for you OP). It's about what YOU want now and he will have to understand that. He's an adult, he will so don't feel guilty.

Bournetilly · 28/02/2024 00:19

iwafs · 28/02/2024 00:12

Just no

He should have cancelled absolutely anything to attend your sister's funeral with you.

My stepfather died last month. My dh was supposed to be at a meeting that his presence was mandatory at - as in, it was written into this client's contract that my dh personally must attend every meeting. DH called the client, explained there was a family funeral and the client understood - and did not insist on the contractual obligation of his presence at that particular meeting. The meeting couldn't be rearranged as too many people were present - but a colleague of dh's went for him.

Whatever your boyfriend does, it cannot be so important that he doesn't attend your sister's funeral.

I work in the NHS and unless the funeral was for immediate family (so not partners sister as in this case) they would not understand that I had to leave unlike your DHs client. I couldn’t just walk out of my job as this would lead to disciplinary action. I’m sure this is the same for quite a few jobs including OPs partner.

Original poster

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 28/02/2024 00:39

Yeah, he's often told me stories of his coworkers missing family moments due to their work. I'm not in anyway wishing he will mess up his work over this.

What I am saying though is I'm finding it stressful getting to see him here and there. He has a meeting here tomorrow so he's driving up and wants to see me, I find it hard to have space to plan. I am feeling guilty because I just want to stop worrying about logistics for the next couple of weeks.

OP posts:

iwafs · 28/02/2024 00:45

Bournetilly · 28/02/2024 00:19

I work in the NHS and unless the funeral was for immediate family (so not partners sister as in this case) they would not understand that I had to leave unlike your DHs client. I couldn’t just walk out of my job as this would lead to disciplinary action. I’m sure this is the same for quite a few jobs including OPs partner.

Show quote history

It's not just walking out though is it? You get notice of a funeral. A pp has mentioned paramedics and you work in NHS - would you not be able to swap shifts if given 3 weeks notice? My sf had more than 10 ambulances out before he died- never saw the same paramedic twice, hence me wondering why a shift swap wouldn't be possible.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/02/2024 01:50

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 28/02/2024 00:39

Yeah, he's often told me stories of his coworkers missing family moments due to their work. I'm not in anyway wishing he will mess up his work over this.

What I am saying though is I'm finding it stressful getting to see him here and there. He has a meeting here tomorrow so he's driving up and wants to see me, I find it hard to have space to plan. I am feeling guilty because I just want to stop worrying about logistics for the next couple of weeks.

This is the hard bit that people don’t usually talk about.

It’s (relatively) easy to plan on someone being there… it’s easy to plan on them not being there. It’s hard to be able to switch that on and off and be in between.

I think you don’t plan… you tell him what your plans are and leave him to it to fit in to those plans. That’s the hard bit for them (but nothing you should try to fix).

Honestly.. it’s hard to explain (especially in this medium), but once you have that ‘aha’ moment it makes sense and becomes normal. Whether that’s the normal you want is a different question.

WaitingfortheTardis · 28/02/2024 02:04

I work in education and would very likely not be allowed to have a day off for a funeral except for an immediate relative. It can be tough but that's how it is. However, you need to look after yourself at the moment and if you need a bit of space and time then that is fair enough.

TimetoPour · 28/02/2024 02:22

I’m very sorry to hear about your sister.

Tell the BF you know his schedule is busy and you appreciate he would like to be with you. However, trying to squeeze in times and dates around everything that is going on is adding to your stress rather than taking it away. Say you would rather have his company after the funeral and get a date in the diary for then.

Hope it all goes well.

MariaVT65 · 28/02/2024 02:39

Sorry op i’m a bit confused by your post about what your main concern is.

I agree with PPs that it is often difficult to get time off work for funerals of people you’re not related to, as this is also my personal experience. I even had this working at a well-known department store. I attended the funeral service as it started before my shift, but wasn’t allowed to attend the wake afterwards.

People are unable to attend funerals for any number of reasons. I couldn’t attend a family funeral last month as it was a distance away, I had had a c section 7 weeks prior and I likely would have fallen asleep while driving. However, the funeral was live streamed so I was able to watch it at home. Is this possible for your sister’s funeral? It’s quite common now.

The other issue you mention about it being stressful about arranging to see him may be a different matter about your overall relationship and I think it would be a dealbreaker for me. Sometimes it is less stressful to be single.

Sorry for the loss of your sister.

MariaVT65 · 28/02/2024 02:42

iwafs · 28/02/2024 00:45

It's not just walking out though is it? You get notice of a funeral. A pp has mentioned paramedics and you work in NHS - would you not be able to swap shifts if given 3 weeks notice? My sf had more than 10 ambulances out before he died- never saw the same paramedic twice, hence me wondering why a shift swap wouldn't be possible.

Show quote history

Swap shifts aren’t a thing in many jobs. It is a very common policy not to grant time off work for funerals other than for immediate relatives.