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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting to take a pause because BF can't come to funeral?

166 replies

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 27/02/2024 22:59

I have been seeing someone (we had broken up in the past but are now back together) for a little while but my personal life has been tricky. I had a sister with a long history of addiction and ED issues, which sadly she has lost her battle with. We as a family are close, supported and have had many close shaves over the years with this so we are doing ok.

He works in a very busy job in another city and it's more of a vocation than a job. It has come between us in the past, he tells me many of his colleagues find it hard to get successful relationships. The crux of the matter is he cannot come to the funeral. I'm almost ok about it but the logistics of seeing him is causing me stress.

He's telling me hours here and there he can be free over the next few days and has offered to do a big shop for the family. He has such guilt I think but I am finding it hard to worry about him and I almost want to say 'stop for a moment, can I just take a breath and if you can't come to the funeral, can I just spend time with my family and see you afterwards when you have time off?'. He's being lovely so I feel guilt. AIBU?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 28/02/2024 09:07

You should choose to do what is best for you st this very difficult time. Thank him for helping then state what you want.

mrsdineen2 · 28/02/2024 09:08

pokebowls · 28/02/2024 08:23

You expect your partner to break his contract and affect his career to attend a funeral? That's a bit harsh. The OP says he is doing everything else possible and is clearly feeling bad about not being able to attend.

Not all jobs have the flexibility that yours might have. What if he was deployed or on an oil rig or an ER consultant who couldn't take time off for 'random' funerals. Because technically that is what this is. It's not a direct family member. He is probably in a self employed contract if he works in TV and potentially without him there all filming would stop so short of illness or emergency he can't take time off

Show quote history

If we're doing hypotheticals, what if he was was deathly sick or broke his leg? What would his employers do then?

Why do we only expect the grieving to settle for distant second and gaslight them with irrelevant hypotheticals?

AngelinaFibres · 28/02/2024 09:11

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 27/02/2024 23:06

I'm agonising over his feelings as I can see he feels terrible.

In my job, I'd be able to just say 'I'm going to a funeral' and I'm finding it hard to understand that's not every world. But giving me a free afternoon here or there doesn't work for where my head is at.

I can't think of many jobs where someone would be allowed anything other than entirely discretionary unpaid leave to attend the funeral of a boyfriends/girlfriends sister.

Rosscameasdoody · 28/02/2024 09:11

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think you need to concentrate on what you need for the moment and not try to manage your BF’s guilt. If you don’t want to see him until the funeral is over then you need to tell him that. It’s not unreasonable at all, you have a lot to think about at the moment. He sounds as though he wants to be there to support you, but given his work commitments that’s clearly going to be difficult, so you need to tell him that you haven’t the headspace for planning that at the moment, and you would rather him wait until after the funeral when hopefully he will be a source of comfort for you. I hope everything goes as planned and that you can take some time for yourself to process your own grief and acceptance of what has happened.

Rosscameasdoody · 28/02/2024 09:13

Newchapterbeckons · 28/02/2024 07:44

I think he should be there.
He knows it, so do you. He is not an emergency worker, they will survive without him.

Meanwhile, back in the real world………………..

skygradient · 28/02/2024 09:14

I think the issue is that many posters here are naively expecting the boyfriend to single-handedly execute systemic change.

Is it right that he can't take time off for non-relatives' deaths, no.

Is he capable of effecting change in his entire industry, like in some kind of naff musical where someone walks out of their job singing and dancing against The Man? Also no.

As someone familiar with such contracts – he'll just lose his project/job and potential career trajectory up till then as well, and may even be liable to pay contract damages.

And then OP will have the added stress of financially supporting him while she's grieving, potentially for a long time.

CruCru · 28/02/2024 09:15

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 27/02/2024 23:48

I sent him a message saying it was making me feel divided by two cities and I will see him once in the next couple days and then in two weeks (after funeral) when he's back from his job. He's pushing back on it a bit, out of guilt I think, but I'm finding it a bit much.

I’m really sorry to hear about your sister.

I think this is two separate issues. Him pushing back because you aren’t available to be supported by him when he can make time isn’t okay. You don’t have the headspace to accommodate him and that is all right. It isn’t about him.

The second is his job. Some of the comments on here are a bit strange. Yes, he doesn’t perform surgery or work in a school but his job is still important. It is his issue if it means that he misses things, not yours.

Ihatebuswankers · 28/02/2024 09:17

Just say you want to focus on your family for the next couple of weeks and you will need his support when you’ve got to the other side. Just be firm that he’s nothing to feel guilty for and it making you feel worse when he tells you that. It’s really nice that he offered to do a big shop.

pam290358 · 28/02/2024 09:17

Picklestop · 28/02/2024 07:50

You are giving him far too much credit. He doesn’t feel terrible, he isn’t lovely. He thinks his job is more important than you. I think not attending the funeral of your sibling because he is too busy at work is unforgivable. Don’t accept his scraps.

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Here in the real world you can’t just break the terms and conditions of your job There are many professions where it’s impossible to take time off except for the funeral of an immediate relative. Which the OP’s sister is not. So why are you telling the OP she should dump her BF, who sounds like he’s doing his best to support her in difficult circumstances ? You seem to be projecting.

NoCloudsAllowed · 28/02/2024 09:24

He sounds like a nice person, trying to do his best.

He's clear what he has to offer, you have to decide if you want to take it or not. He's not going to be able to drop everything and be there for you every time you need him. You get to decide if you want that deal for your relationship or not.

I've known a few banking types who were like this. What they could offer in a relationship was a lot of money, not much time and a lot of plans cancelled at last minute. If you're an independent type who is happy doing your own thing a lot of the time, it can work. But it will never be a home-every-day-for-tea, 50/50 split on housework/childcare, consult each other on everything type of relationship.

Picklestop · 28/02/2024 09:38

pam290358 · 28/02/2024 09:17

Here in the real world you can’t just break the terms and conditions of your job There are many professions where it’s impossible to take time off except for the funeral of an immediate relative. Which the OP’s sister is not. So why are you telling the OP she should dump her BF, who sounds like he’s doing his best to support her in difficult circumstances ? You seem to be projecting.

Show quote history

The old “must be projecting” the most boring response on mumsnet whenever a poster doesn’t agree. Have you really not got anything better than that? No I am not projecting. 🙄

And neither am I talking about “breaking T&Cs”. I am talking about speaking to an employer and explaining that I need to attend the funeral of my partners sibling.

And yes, I do think if this individual cannot be there during what would be for most people the saddest and worst days of OP’s life - because of work! - that he is not a keeper.

mrsdineen2 · 28/02/2024 09:39

All this talk of "real world" as a smug, shorthand way of dismissing OP is telling.

Is the tragic, untimely death of a young lady not "real world"? Is the grief of a family not the "real world"?

How callous do you have to be to claim that enabling your colleagues to play pretend in front of a camera is more"real world" than that? Colleagues by the way who would replace you before dinnertime if you died this morning.

QueSyrahSyrah · 28/02/2024 09:41

@mrsdineen2 From what posters experienced in his industry have written I'd suspect he'd lose his entire current job/contract if he broke his leg, and possibly future ones, affecting his career long term. I'm not in that kind of industry, perhaps it's possible to insure against loss of earnings in that kind of unavoidable scenario.

Nanny0gg · 28/02/2024 09:42

iwafs · 28/02/2024 00:12

Just no

He should have cancelled absolutely anything to attend your sister's funeral with you.

My stepfather died last month. My dh was supposed to be at a meeting that his presence was mandatory at - as in, it was written into this client's contract that my dh personally must attend every meeting. DH called the client, explained there was a family funeral and the client understood - and did not insist on the contractual obligation of his presence at that particular meeting. The meeting couldn't be rearranged as too many people were present - but a colleague of dh's went for him.

Whatever your boyfriend does, it cannot be so important that he doesn't attend your sister's funeral.

So what if he was (isn't obvs) a brain surgeon? Paramedic? Nurse? Teacher (highly likely wouldn't be allowed as non-relative)? Any emergency service. Can they not be in relationships even though they can't always drop what they do?

Nanny0gg · 28/02/2024 09:43

Picklestop · 28/02/2024 09:38

The old “must be projecting” the most boring response on mumsnet whenever a poster doesn’t agree. Have you really not got anything better than that? No I am not projecting. 🙄

And neither am I talking about “breaking T&Cs”. I am talking about speaking to an employer and explaining that I need to attend the funeral of my partners sibling.

And yes, I do think if this individual cannot be there during what would be for most people the saddest and worst days of OP’s life - because of work! - that he is not a keeper.

Show quote history

It is. But v expensive

Beautiful3 · 28/02/2024 09:44

His job isn't his fault at all, he could lose his job if he messes them about. I'd tell him to hold on, and that you'll see him afterwards when you are both free. I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐

Nanny0gg · 28/02/2024 09:45

user1492757084 · 28/02/2024 04:46

Unless he is in a life and death profession, he should be free to break a contract to go to his girlfriend's sister's funeral.
That would be similar to have woken up with the flu in terms of time off work.

Don't feel for him; look after your self.
Does he have form for selfishness?

So possibly lose his job?

Nanny0gg · 28/02/2024 09:46

mrsdineen2 · 28/02/2024 07:59

Absolutely every school around here would give time off for the funeral of a partner's sibling. Woe betide the employer the made the "on again off again" comment as a justification to deny.

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It's awful for the OP but he isn't actually a 'partner' is he?

Nanny0gg · 28/02/2024 09:48

Comingupriver · 28/02/2024 06:25

In so sorry for your loss.

OP, there is nothing short of him being a one of a kind mega surgeon that should stop him supporting you properly during the loss of your sister.

I would move heaven and earth to be there for my partner in these circumstances. Find yourself someone who is willing to be that partner and get rid of this lump.

You'd lose your livelihood would you?

mrsdineen2 · 28/02/2024 09:49

Beautiful3 · 28/02/2024 09:44

His job isn't his fault at all, he could lose his job if he messes them about. I'd tell him to hold on, and that you'll see him afterwards when you are both free. I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐

He has chosen a job where we he feels he must sacrifice his ability to properly comfort and support his nearest and dearest when they need him most. That's his right. As this thread shows, many people would seemingly be happy with that arrangement.

OP is not though, and he has no right to unilaterally make that decision on her behalf. So back to the point of original question, she's fully entitled to give up on this man and his lifestyle as being completely incompatible with her needs.

JollyJanuary · 28/02/2024 09:53

Do you feel unable to tell him what would work best for you? You seem to be concentrating on his feelings and his guilt. His feelings are his to own. At this time you should be concentrating on yourself and your family. If you can't tell him what you need and him accept this, then he's not on your side.

Wimpeyspread · 28/02/2024 09:53

mrsdineen2 · 28/02/2024 07:36

There we go, high maintenance to expect your partner to attend your sister's funeral.

Peak mumsnet.

Edited
Show quote history

no, high maintenance to expect him to risk his job for it

Waffle19 · 28/02/2024 09:55

Firstly I’m sorry for the loss of your sister OP, sounds like your family have been through and are going through a tough time.

I have to say I don’t see what the issue is though. It sounds like he’s being really supportive, if you don’t want to see him that’s completely fine and understandable given the logistics so I would just tell him you appreciate the support but that you just need to focus on your family and you’ll see him as soon as you can. Just tell him what you’ve said in this post.

If he hadn’t offered to come and see you I think that would be worse! And it’s not his fault he can’t come to the funeral. He sounds like he’s trying to help as best as he can and he’s just a bit unsure as to what you need from him right now which is fair enough as bereavements are one of those things that are hard to navigate with everyone reacting differently to them.

getsomehelp · 28/02/2024 09:56

I would like to add, Your grief is your own, he can't share it.
You will be amongst people who feel the same as you, as they will have known your sister closely. He didn't.
I think your are mixing up 2 different issues.
He is not a live in partner, your relationship is Long Distance, so by definition he is distanced from this, & you.
He is trying to make up for it.
tell him you'll see him afterwards. & don't make extra grief

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 28/02/2024 10:00

@ChimneySweepLiverpool I’m so sorry to hear about your sister. It’s ok to tell your boyfriend that you don’t have the headspace to make any arrangements for the next few weeks. You need to prioritise yourself and your family at the moment rather than thinking about running around to see him for a few hours when he is free. He is feeling guilty because he knows he isn’t able to support you during a terrible time. His guilt isn’t your problem to deal with.

Longer term, is this the right relationship for you? Years ago, I dated someone who had a ‘big job’. I broke up with him when he had to work during a family wedding. He hadn’t even bothered to ask for time off or considered taking unpaid leave. Once I realised that I would never be his priority, I understood that I couldn’t be with him.