Wanting to take a pause because BF can't come to funeral?

[ChimneySweepLiverpool]

I have been seeing someone (we had broken up in the past but are now back together) for a little while but my personal life has been tricky. I had a sister with a long history of addiction and ED issues, which sadly she has lost her battle with. We as a family are close, supported and have had many close shaves over the years with this so we are doing ok.

He works in a very busy job in another city and it's more of a vocation than a job. It has come between us in the past, he tells me many of his colleagues find it hard to get successful relationships. The crux of the matter is he cannot come to the funeral. I'm almost ok about it but the logistics of seeing him is causing me stress.

He's telling me hours here and there he can be free over the next few days and has offered to do a big shop for the family. He has such guilt I think but I am finding it hard to worry about him and I almost want to say 'stop for a moment, can I just take a breath and if you can't come to the funeral, can I just spend time with my family and see you afterwards when you have time off?'. He's being lovely so I feel guilt. AIBU?

He is being selfish and not helping or meeting you're needs. His work timetable does not work for you!

Tell him you can't meet him tomorrow as your focusing on you and your family and you'll meet him when your ready.

Don't worry about this feelings too.

I'm sorry for your loss @ChimneySweepLiverpool .
He really should stand back for now and quit the pressure whilst you really appreciate his efforts but you need to concentrate on your family and your grief right now.. You don't really need his work issues and you'll see him when you feel ready.

Absolutely not possible in every situation. I wouldn't be able to get time off for a partner's sister's funeral.
Swaps are not always possible.

The issue here is he's making this about him not you.

If he genuinely can't be with you then he needs to be supportive from a distance so being available on the phone. Doing things if you ask. Coming when he can if it's convenient.

Not the time but you may also need to consider it this works for you long term.

You can swap shifts in my job and I would definitely try but if no one would swap then there wouldn’t be anything I could do.

There will be some jobs where everyone works say 9-5 and there’s no one to swap with.

Unless he is in a life and death profession, he should be free to break a contract to go to his girlfriend's sister's funeral.
That would be similar to have woken up with the flu in terms of time off work.

Don't feel for him; look after your self.
Does he have form for selfishness?

yanbu

It sounds like he’s worried this will be the end of your relationship so is trying his best and missing the mark. Idk if living like this is something you can live with, time will tell.

I am really sorry for your loss and please tell him to back off for now.

he's not going risk his livelihood for the funeral of someone who isn't his immediate family.

It sounds like he's trying to be there as and when he can be.

I think OP that you aren't OK with the relationship dynamic as a whole, but address that once you're in a better place, and ask him to just comply with your wishes for the time being. If his availability doesn't suit you, then tough luck (on him) at the moment.

I live in a different country to my spouse. I and many others have to miss all sorts of things, unfortunately. There are many professions and circumstances where people can't just be where they'd rather.

Firstly my sympathies and a hug at this awful time for you. Please try and look after yourself.

“Have you been really clear with him, and said,
I am feeling truly overwhelmed at the moment. I know you are keen to support me but your job is making it hard for you to be here. At this time, the idea of trying to catch up with you for short periods, when your work allows, is stressing me as I cannot cope with additional logistics. I need to focus on my family and not have to fit in with anyone else’s time frames. We will spend time together but not now.”

If he respects and loves you, he will get this. He needs to prioritise YOUR needs.

You don’t want to hear about his upset on how he can’t make the funeral. Can you say that? Are you also been able to verbalise what you do want from him? How can he support you best? A listening ear? Flowers and supportive messages, but no calls? Mundane chat about little everyday things? If possible, tell him. Again it should be your needs that are the priority. Then if he doesn’t listen to your wishes, don’t feel obliged to take his calls or continue a call, just say you are not up to talking.

Take care

Not everyone can take time off easily for a funeral, especially if it’s not a close relative. My dh had to drive to a business meeting straight after a recent relatives funeral of mine.

However, he is trying to help, offering a big shop, visiting you etc

I also think you should also control the narrative more. Tell him when it’s suitable to visit. Don’t wait for him to dictate. If you see you family, either he comes along or he can’t visit. Relationships work two ways.

so yes, I think you can say that you need to spend time with your family the moment. He should understand this.

sorry for your loss.

Unless he is in a life and death profession, he should be free to break a contract to go to his girlfriend's sister's funeral.
That is just ridiculous. That's a degree of sanguinuity that doesn't require the breaking of a contract ffs.
So he goes, he loses his job, what's your plan then?
So many people expecting such ridiculousness in relationships. High maintenance or what

Don’t be daft!

because there isn’t slack in the system- you are on a rota with people who are either doing the same shift as you (you may not see the same paramedic but they may be in a different ambulance out at the same time!) or they are on a shift later that day or The night before or that night so can’t do both shifts in a row. There may be a couple of colleagues to ask on rest days but they may have plans. It’s also tricky for example to take one night shift off in the middle of a set. Similar applies in other roles. I could try to swap an on call shift at a weekend but it’s tricky sometimes as relies on others being available. I can’t ’swap’ my day job role as the other people are doing their job too so I would have to get annual leave approved which may or may not occur- emergency compassionate leave wouldn’t be approved. (and most Funerals i know about have been to have been less than 3 weeks notice)

He’s not actually trying to be supportive though, is he?

Genuine support is about responding to the person in need. How do they feel? What do they want? And tailoring your actions accordingly.

What he’s doing is centering himself. Emoting all over you about his feelings, trying to assuage his own guilt by dictating how he’s going to shoehorn you into his life, and pressuring you to go along with his plans no matter how stressful or inconvenient they are for you.

None of this is about you or your family, it’s all about making him feel like he’s a good person. Being in the vicinity will make him feel better, apparently.

I’d have zero fucking patience with this. You need to be very clear with him that he’s putting an additional emotional strain on you by involving you in his logistical shenanigans at a time when you really, really don’t need it. Be prescriptive about what you do want and need, tell (don’t ask) him that you can’t see him for a few weeks and that that’s how you’d prefer it.

If he responds badly to that, then he’s clearly not acting in your best interests at all.

So sorry about your sister and wishing you all the best with everything 💐

Tell him this.

Say look you understand his job makes it tricky and you're not brushing him off but at the moment all the logistics and stuff is stressing you out. Say you just want 2 weeks focusing on your family until the funeral is out the way. Let him know he doesn't have to feel guilty about it. Talk to him. Tell him what you're telling us.

There will be rules about time off for bereavement. Girlfriends sister is probably not listed. It is usually immediate family and then grandparents and then possibly "others" depending how generous they are.

Each industry is different and its important to remember this isn't a 9-5 office based job. It's dynamic and shifting.

@user1492757084 @iwafs Yes exactly! If his clients and colleagues aren't sympathetic, screw them and go to the funeral for his non-immediate family anyway! Then contest the breach of contract damages by going to court! Hire a lawyer! Bankrupt the family! Lose your job! Someone died so how dare anyone consider maintaining their normal life anyway.

When push comes to shove, this man isn't available for a relationship. He's not even available at the time the OP needs him most.

Shallon Lester has a good take on this. She talks about how she would love a pony, but her lifestyle means she cannot possibly have one, because she cannot devote the time a pony would need - and if she's going to put it in livery and only see it once in a blue moon, then that's someone else having her pony.

Relationships are the same. Some people have to accept that they are not in a position to have a relationship. This isn't about the one-off funeral situation, but of his entire lifestyle and priorities.

OP, you are accepting a relationship with the parts of him that are left over when he's done with working. You could be in a relationship with a whole person instead - and sometimes the person you most need to be in a good relationship with is yourself.

Even in this most difficult of times, you are still putting his needs first. When you get into such a good relationship with yourself that you are unwilling to take crumbs and call them a relationship, you will wonder why you wasted so much time focussing on him.

In so sorry for your loss.

OP, there is nothing short of him being a one of a kind mega surgeon that should stop him supporting you properly during the loss of your sister.

I would move heaven and earth to be there for my partner in these circumstances. Find yourself someone who is willing to be that partner and get rid of this lump.

It sounds like it feels like he is making demands or wants you to fit in with the things he is able to do to support rather than understanding that actually if he can not be there for the funeral or be just around generally you'd rather he just leave you to concentrate on your family and regroup with him afterwards. There are people who can't just have time off, I guess you have to accept that is genuine. Hopefully he's a bit misguided or confused about what you need or you are hyper sensitive to pleasing him when that's not what he wants. I'd just be really clear, 'thanks for trying to support as best you , it means alot but I need to just concentrate on family and not worry about fitting around you at the moment. Speak soon'

This. I don't understand all the posts adding to the "poor him" narrative. I'm so sorry for your loss OP, it must be extremely hard for you, and I'm sorry that your boyfriend is not supporting you. Please tell him clearly that you need to focus on yourself and your family for just a minute, rather than focusing on him. Trying to fit seeing him into HIS schedule darting between cities is absolutely not him supporting you, it is him saying he will support you while making no actual effort. Meanwhile his self-absorption drags all the focus onto his "guilt", so you can't even be supported remotely by him. Let the funeral go by and have a think later about whether this relationship adds anything to your life. Times of great stress can make it very clear who is there for you and who is not.

TV is not the emergency services nor a school, I don't know why people think there is an equivalence. He could absolutely book an unpaid personal day if he needs to. Getting paid time off is a different matter, that is likely the sticking point.

But you have more important things to worry about. Take the pause, the last thing you need right now is to have to worry about his feelings!

Immediately I would say you are not making plans. You are going to be with your family and that’s it. You need space to grieve and get your head together. I would be devastated if this was my sister, so this must be extremely hard even if you are prepared in some ways.

Long term I would be wary.
Are you and any potential children happy to be constantly second best? It’s not like your bf is saving lives - which wpuld be easier to accept.
The truth is you are always going to have to accept you are pretty much on your own - with anything life throws at you. The resentment could be an issue.

I’m sure he feels guilty but this is the price you pay for working in certain industries. I’m sure he’s feels guilty but you are neither the cause nor the solution to this guilt, it will come up again and again for him and only he can make the decision if he’s happy for it to interfere with life like this.

For now I’d tell him you cannot commit to any timings. If he wants to come up he does it with the knowledge that you cannot give him specific timings in advance that you will be available. You need to be responding to your own needs and your families needs during this time, not his.