Wanting to take a pause because BF can't come to funeral?

[ChimneySweepLiverpool]

I have been seeing someone (we had broken up in the past but are now back together) for a little while but my personal life has been tricky. I had a sister with a long history of addiction and ED issues, which sadly she has lost her battle with. We as a family are close, supported and have had many close shaves over the years with this so we are doing ok.

He works in a very busy job in another city and it's more of a vocation than a job. It has come between us in the past, he tells me many of his colleagues find it hard to get successful relationships. The crux of the matter is he cannot come to the funeral. I'm almost ok about it but the logistics of seeing him is causing me stress.

He's telling me hours here and there he can be free over the next few days and has offered to do a big shop for the family. He has such guilt I think but I am finding it hard to worry about him and I almost want to say 'stop for a moment, can I just take a breath and if you can't come to the funeral, can I just spend time with my family and see you afterwards when you have time off?'. He's being lovely so I feel guilt. AIBU?

I think it's just making it much louder, the realisation of how much he misses. My friends have always joked if we had a wedding he wouldn't show up because he'd be working.

It's as if I feel slightly love bombed by his over the top guilt. He's not normally so helpful, so over the top with his gestures and it's actually thrown me off. I don't mean to sound so ungrateful but it's as if he is panicking and it's not his nature so I'm also wondering what it will feel like when that ends.

No. This goes several ways. 1 - you are so important to the project, then you have a senior role meaning you can reschedule aspects of the work to mitigate one day off that gets made up with doing the core filming on other days, some evenings, a few calls on the day. 2- you aren't that important, so someone else can step in for bit you miss. 3 - you apologise and pay a proportion of cost to resolve the absence issue. 4 - you do not try.

I think he probably can sense you're moving away from him OP and he's 'lovebombing' as he's panicking. He is flailing to see you and keep you nearby when he can

It's a really turbulent time for you and i think the best thing would be for you to make a decision not to make any big life changes for a good 6 months or so. You're both finding yourself on unsteady ground and he's trying his best to bring you back onto an even keel by the sounds of it, but it's just making things even more wobbly. Maybe the two of you will decide to make changes for the better for both of you as a result of this.

Look, the bottom line is that his job is what it is. The industry is what it is. The terms of his contract are what they are.

The OP is, understandably, not sure this is compatible with her needs or what she wants a relationship to look like. Some people would be ok with it. Other people wouldn't.

She isn't wrong for wanting him to be more available. He isn't wrong for not being able to be.

The OP is right to consider how this type of relationship/his work commitment would work for her long term. Far better she decides its not for her now than spend the next 5 years hoping it'll change one day and finding herself married with two children and realising it then.

Neither of them is wrong.

I feel a bit sorry for him. He obviously knows his job is a big issue in relationships so he tries really hard to make up for it in other ways. But it's not working for you. Again. He isn't doing anything wrong and it's not right that either of you should be feeling bad because of it. You need to let him go. It's not fair to let it drag on.

It's like those women who get with military men then complain about them being away so often. It's the nature of the job.

I had to miss my best mate's dad's funeral because my boss couldn't find cover at short notice - I'd known her dad since primary school.

Unless my boss could prove it was illness or an immediate family emergency, the end client could potentially bill him for loss of earnings which would extend to the site teams they're employing - we're working on a few big projects like HS2 and some massive civil builds so potentially it could cause my boss serious cashflow problems. It's just how it is.

My friend understood but even if she hadn't I'm ultimately not going to risk my career and years of hard work for a funeral. I need to keep a roof over my head because nobody else will.

I'm sorry to hear that @FatPrincess. That must have been difficult

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister.
Regarding your bf, I'm an ex-forces wife. My DH has missed funerals, and even our daughters christening! In some jobs, that's unfortunately the way it is. He managed home for my mums funeral, but tbh I remember so little of the actual day, I couldn't tell you if it was actually useful him being there or not! The focus was on the family. Nothing he would do or say would actually help me. Your bf doesn't know your sister like you did, and won't share your grief. Yes, it's nice I guess to have "support" , but what does that actually entail?
I'd take some space and focus on your family. After the funeral, that's when you need the support (weeks, months, years) Just because he can't be there on the day doesn't mean he can't support you at all. But on the actual day often all outside support is pretty meaningless, you just need to be with other people who loved her and share your grief. I hope it goes as well as possible, and your relationship gets past this, but, yes, I'd put that concern on the back burner for now.

Honestly? If you are really important then it is your project. Not turning up is your problem and costs you money.

If you are not really important then other people’s opinions of you really matter. If people say that he missed Wednesday because he went to a funeral, people may be nice about it - but they may not book you again. There’s plenty of competition for jobs at this role, they can hire someone else next time.

Pay a proportion of the cost? How much are you thinking? £10k, £20k, £80k? The people I know in creative jobs are well paid but this would ruin them.

He’s not going to the funeral (the do not try option).

Sorry to hear about your sister.

I've been having counselling about my lack of assertiveness in relationships. (I'm not saying you lack assertiveness but you can't think straight at the moment obviously due to grief so the same principle applies).

The advice is: unfortunately you can't rely on people to just do helpful things that suit you in a crisis.
You need to politely spell out what you need them to do. If they don't do it then fine but you don't need the stress of ambiguity.
So say to him, i need to be with my family now and I can't make plans for a couple of hours at a time. It's too difficult. Let me know when you have more free time and we can meet up.

Thank you, I genuinely don't want him to give up his work for me. I would never make someone choose a relationship or work, but the stress/missing him has become quite an obvious thing in the past few days. I saw him today and he was fantastic but tomorrow is a planning day for funeral logistics so I won't be able to see him before he returns to work

So sorry about your sister OP. It must be hard to think straight right now. It can be difficult to compromise for a partner but time will tell how you really feel

Thank you all. I know the thread is now quiet so apologies if I shouldn't update. The funeral was a couple of days ago and I asked partner last minute if he could find anyway to come for even a couple of hours but he couldn't. I know I probably shouldn't have asked but I was kind about it.

I told him I needed a phone break for the days of the funeral. He felt this was like a punishment as he wanted me to be able to update him but I felt so much better not concentrating on a long distance man for these past few days.

You did the right time. You have to put yourself first during these sorts of times. I hope everything went as well as it could have and that you are okay. My sibling died last year in not great circumstances so I understand a bit.

I'm sorry to hear that @Malbecmoron x