Wanting to take a pause because BF can't come to funeral?

[ChimneySweepLiverpool]

I have been seeing someone (we had broken up in the past but are now back together) for a little while but my personal life has been tricky. I had a sister with a long history of addiction and ED issues, which sadly she has lost her battle with. We as a family are close, supported and have had many close shaves over the years with this so we are doing ok.

He works in a very busy job in another city and it's more of a vocation than a job. It has come between us in the past, he tells me many of his colleagues find it hard to get successful relationships. The crux of the matter is he cannot come to the funeral. I'm almost ok about it but the logistics of seeing him is causing me stress.

He's telling me hours here and there he can be free over the next few days and has offered to do a big shop for the family. He has such guilt I think but I am finding it hard to worry about him and I almost want to say 'stop for a moment, can I just take a breath and if you can't come to the funeral, can I just spend time with my family and see you afterwards when you have time off?'. He's being lovely so I feel guilt. AIBU?

There we go, high maintenance to expect your partner to attend your sister's funeral.

Peak mumsnet.

https://bakken-young.com/setting-boundaries-in-grief-using-the-ring-theory/#:~:text=Ring%20theory%20is%20the%20idea,the%20middle%20of%20the%20ring.

Ring theory of grief might interest you. In short, he should be supporting you, not adding to your worries

I think he should be there.
He knows it, so do you. He is not an emergency worker, they will survive without him.

He feels guilty because he feels he should be there for you and wants to be there for you but he can't.

I'm a teacher and wouldn't be able to have time off to attend my boyfriend's sister's funeral either so I understand that (and so would my partner). I was invited to an old school friend's funeral a few years back and couldn't go for this reason.

I think what you are saying is that his efforts to make up for this are giving you an extra thing to think about (organising meeting up with him and where and when he'll be there for you). I can understand why he is doing this (hence him saying he is just happy to he nearby) but its causing cognitive overload for you (feeling that you need to prioritse seeing him if he is nearby and thinking of how to do it).

I'd just tell him that you don't have the capacity to process it all at the moment, that you understand why he can't be there and that he is trying to find ways of making it up to you and your family but it would actually he easier for you to take him out of the equation until the funeral has passed.

It's not as simple as he should just prioritise you. Not all jobs facilitate this.

He is not an emergency worker, they will survive without him

It just doesn't work like that in the real world unfortunately.

You are giving him far too much credit. He doesn’t feel terrible, he isn’t lovely. He thinks his job is more important than you. I think not attending the funeral of your sibling because he is too busy at work is unforgivable. Don’t accept his scraps.

Sorry to hear about your sister OP.

I was in a long relationship with someone in the TV/film industry - and basically it always comes first. Not sure about your BF, but ex and all of his mates were self-employed and freelance, and taking a day off just wasn't permitted when they were shooting - I genuinely think he'd have had an issue getting time off for my funeral, it was that intense! And for those suggesting swap shifts etc, it just doesn't work like that - when you are working on a specific production, it's not a case of someone else with the same job title stepping in for you, you need to know exactly what's going on and where you're up to. In 15 years, the only time ex ever took a day off was when he ended up in hospital, and even then he was pulled off the entire job and replaced and lost a couple of months work / pay. We had to cancel a long haul holiday once because shooting overran and just suck up the cost, he missed my birthday dinner / night out on more than one occasion. Couldn't ever make evening plans if he was working, because the odds were he'd not be home until hours after the time he was supposed to finish that day. Reputation is everything and it's a close, competitive industry - if you're unreliable or screw up on one production, then you won't get onto the next one.

The only relationships I saw that worked well were those where both people were in the industry and understood the pressures. It's a LOT to put up with, and tbh this immediate period aside, I would really be considering if it's for you - if this is the industry he wants to be in, if you move in together, have kids together, this will be how it is.

There we go, high maintenance to expect your partner to attend your sister's funeral.

It's not high maintenance to want it, no. But how do you expect it to work/pan out? He accepted those terms and conditions when he trained for his profession and took the job.

He can't pick and choose when he will abide by the terms of his contract.

I wouldn't have not become a teacher in case I met someone years down the line who might have a sibling who might pass away and who might like me to attend their funeral. In fact, it wasn't even a consideration. It's understandable that the OP is saddened by it but it's not within his control.

It baffles me sometimes on here that some posters don't understand things like this.

I’m surprised to see so many people who think it’s awful of him not to attend. I work in teaching. My school is generally really good at giving time off for funerals and doesn’t restrict to only immediate family, but a funeral for the sister of an on-and-off boyfriend/girlfriend wouldn’t be approved.

I was able to get time off for the funeral
of a cousin, but some of my cousins weren’t. Everyone understood that some jobs just aren’t very flexible.

There's only a wee bit of water between us but from what I read on here, and not just this thread, the English attitude to funerals is truly bizarre.

When a close loved one has died, how does anything else, short of something that could save another life, trump that? There's a complete cultural expectation over in here in Ireland, north and south, that everything effectively stops for a close family funeral. And employers know this.

If someone's literally coming from Australia, we'll pause the funeral for a day or two to give them time to race here. But idea that we'll keep uncle John waiting 3 weeks for a proper send off because I've a few things planned that I can't be bothered to move? Unthinkable.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP.

In terms of the funeral, I agree with others that rarely would sibling of girlfriend be included in contracted compassionate leave. It's certainly not in mine. I could take annual leave or unpaid leave, but not if others already had the same time off booked. For that, honestly I think he can be forgiven.

In terms of the rest, it does sound like he's trying his best but if that doesn't fit with your needs at the moment then simply tell him what you need, and if that's 'let's talk after the funeral' then so be it.

Sending you strength x

Absolutely every school around here would give time off for the funeral of a partner's sibling. Woe betide the employer the made the "on again off again" comment as a justification to deny.

I wouldn’t be able to get past him not coming to the funeral so would have to break up with him. He can’t just throw his hands up and say ‘all of my coworkers struggle with relationships’ then give you something else to deal with by being ‘upset’. If he can’t make time for you and your family on that day, what would a future with him even look like? I honestly couldn’t have anything to do with him ever again.

It’s no wonder people feel so isolated and cut off from everything that is important. Someone dying is a big deal. It is slowly being reduced to just another job on the tick list.

The idea that we can’t support others facing such an awful bereavement, that we have given away/been robbed of such a basic human right shows how far away we have moved from the importance of human life, and the value of it. TV is not life or death. If he was ill they would have to find a way….

So many people focusing on the wrong aspect and being so harsh towards op dp.

I think it’s fine to tell him you’ll see him after. He seems really lovely to try but unfortunately his effort would make things difficult for you.

So sorry for your loss.
You are allowed to be selfish right now. You must stop adding extra stress on yourself.

I'd give him a call and explain you won't be around much so better off just seeing him afterwards. He's feeling guilty about missing the funeral and not being there for you which is valid so just let him know you understand and you aren't angry with him.

You expect your partner to break his contract and affect his career to attend a funeral? That's a bit harsh. The OP says he is doing everything else possible and is clearly feeling bad about not being able to attend.

Not all jobs have the flexibility that yours might have. What if he was deployed or on an oil rig or an ER consultant who couldn't take time off for 'random' funerals. Because technically that is what this is. It's not a direct family member. He is probably in a self employed contract if he works in TV and potentially without him there all filming would stop so short of illness or emergency he can't take time off

People keep saying partner but that isn’t how the OP describes him. She says someone she’s been seeing “for a little while”.

Obviously our school would give me time off if my partner’s brother died. We live together and have been together for a significant period of time. This is a boyfriend that the op has been seeing for a short period of time. I can’t imagine the average teacher even asking for time off under these circumstances. The official policy is immediate family only, but the school will usually grant for close friends, cousins, partner or spouse’s close family etc. That’s not what the OP describes though.

One thing I would say is that no one really knows how hard it is to get time off for family events. Luckily I can get time off for most funerals, but it's unauthorised and I've had one refused. When DH's Auntie passed away, her funeral was on one day he really couldn't take off work - his Uncle understood and I went for both of us.

Either way, he's not able to give you what you need. You either take a break and prioritise your commitments over the next couple of weeks, or you arrange a time you can definitely see him around funeral arrangements/if family need your support re paperwork/seeing a solicitor etc - family won't need you to be present all the time and might do you good to see someone else and arrange to do something like a walk, drink with them for some 'me' time.

Your partner is your partner though. That's all that needs to be said when informing them why you won't be there. Why would you overshare details of your love life with your school? Is the head going to refer to cosmo magazine to check how serious the relationship is?

’a big shop’? 🙄

How long is "a little while"? It sounds as if you need his support more than he is willing or able to offer. Perhaps put him aside for now and focus on your family and mh first.

Have I got this right OP - he works in TV, not the NHS and he's actually driving to a meeting where you currently are and wants to tag on seeing you while he is there?

Your emotions are all over the place at the moment and when you get a chance to catch your breath you will be able to process this situation much more clearly.

In the meantime do whatever feels the least difficult for you (see him, don't see him) but don't feel guilty and don't take on board the guilt of someone who won't arrange cover, use a days annual leave or pull a sickie to support you. He works in TV not A&E.

He should have cancelled absolutely anything to attend your sister's funeral with you.

It doesn't work like that if you're in production. It would have to be a life or death scenario with one of my own children to leave set when we're shooting. That may seem untenable to people in more normal jobs, and I know it's not as important as being a paramedic or firefighter, but it's just how it is in most TV, and he's been really clear. Also OP sounds like she's got her family around her and is good to focus on being with them, it's more that he's becoming a distraction by (inadvertently) making her feel guilty and preoccupied with his input/availability when she really needs to not be thinking about such things. In which case, I think it's totally fine to say let's take a pause while she's coping with everything going on and they can pick up if/when she has the bandwidth.

So sorry for your loss, OP. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do.

Lots of companies don’t allow time off for funerals unless direct relative, and holiday has to be booked instead, which is then dependent on whether there are enough staff to cover. So I think it’s harsh for someone to come on here and say make the pause a permanent one. I think he’s showing empathy by vocally apologising for not being there, and seems to understand how him not being there might be upsetting for you OP. And I think he would understand if you told him you just need time away from other stuff atm whilst you focus on your family and your own grief.