Wanting to take a pause because BF can't come to funeral?

[ChimneySweepLiverpool]

I have been seeing someone (we had broken up in the past but are now back together) for a little while but my personal life has been tricky. I had a sister with a long history of addiction and ED issues, which sadly she has lost her battle with. We as a family are close, supported and have had many close shaves over the years with this so we are doing ok.

He works in a very busy job in another city and it's more of a vocation than a job. It has come between us in the past, he tells me many of his colleagues find it hard to get successful relationships. The crux of the matter is he cannot come to the funeral. I'm almost ok about it but the logistics of seeing him is causing me stress.

He's telling me hours here and there he can be free over the next few days and has offered to do a big shop for the family. He has such guilt I think but I am finding it hard to worry about him and I almost want to say 'stop for a moment, can I just take a breath and if you can't come to the funeral, can I just spend time with my family and see you afterwards when you have time off?'. He's being lovely so I feel guilt. AIBU?

You can’t just cancel a tv job. You’ll literally be fired and possibly black listed. Every role counts and every minute of every day is accounted for and budgeted for. It’s just not that simple. It sounds like the guy cares a lot but as op says she wants him to just be there whenever she needs him - well you can’t just say “hey guys, know this is a multi million pound production that we have scheduled out to the minute and everyone else has also left their families to be here but my girlfriend needs me so I’m going to take a week off.” He’ll very probably be freelance so can’t just drop the income and would you hire that person again? No. It would screw him in his career going forward, not just one week.

Op is grieving and having a terrible time poor thing but honestly his intentions are good which is the most important thing.

So sorry about what is going on for you, that sounds difficult.

In terms of your boyfriend, he has a job in TV that doesn't allow for time off for his girlfriend's sisters funeral at the moment. That's not the issue here. There are lots of jobs that would be the same, not everyone works shifts and can get a swap. Fair enough.

What you need at the moment is paramount, and you should be able to prioritise that, without him inserting himself into it like a wounded soldier.

"Bob, thanks for the offer of a big shop, but we are fine for groceries. The times you're free over the next week or so I can't commit to unfortunately, due to what we have got going on over here, but I'll give you a shout when things have calmed down. Thanks"

Planing a funeral is really fucking stressful. Anyone who doesn't understand that and is adding their feelings into the mix rather than making things easier for you should keep their distance. If they can't keep their distance, you need to do it for them.

They’d replace him completely and urgently on that day with somebody from anywhere in the country that was free. It would be a massive pain. But it wouldn’t look bad on him as it was an unavoidable accident.

@mrsdineen2 If we're doing hypotheticals, what if he was was deathly sick or broke his leg? What would his employers do then?
Do you understand how contracts work? Sickness would be included in his contract. He would not be breaking his contract and wouldn't therefore be open to being sued or blacklisted .

Why do we only expect the grieving to settle for distant second and gaslight them with irrelevant hypotheticals?
Grieving is. FOR IMMEDIATE FAMILY Someone's long distant partner's relative doesn't count as HE is not grieving. You rarely get time off work for other people's grieving. Business would not work.

There's nothing wrong in telling him just that. That it's easier for you if he carries on with what he needs to do and you carry on with your family. He obviously knows his job is a big restriction when it comes to relationships, and if you do go on to have a future together, you will have to find a way to manage that. If your way to manage it is to get on without him, rather than worry about how to fit around him, then that's valid and reasonable. I can understand why it would make you question the relationship though as it will involve a lot of compromise for you and a lot of doing without things that are taken as read in other relationships. Only you can decide if there's enough to compensate for that.

@mrsdineen2

OP is not though, and he has no right to unilaterally make that decision on her behalf. So back to the point of original question, she's fully entitled to give up on this man and his lifestyle as being completely incompatible with her needs.
What a bizarre statement. OP is 'fully entitled' to bed the relationship for any reason. She doesn't need a reason.

@mrsdineen2 there is nothing in her OP about whether she is entitled to break up with him. You seem to be answering something in your own head.
She wants to know if it's reasonable to ask him to give her space. Which she obviously is. For any reason.

I think you are rather dramatically conflating everything. "many people would seemingly be happy with that arrangement" – no, they're just being realistic.

In the short term, I recognise that if I stomped my feet and gave him an ultimatum to attend, he'd lose the job/project, stall the whole production, be out of pocket, gain a bad reputation in the industry and possibly a career for a long time. Might also face paying for breach. What good does that actually do for anyone??

In the long term, I might reflect on my relationship with this man, as you said.

Btw, I live between 2 continents and am in a litigious contract-happy career. On separate occasions, in order to fly for personal matters (including a boyfriend's family member's funeral) on very short notice, I've 1) given up a very prestigious & lucrative project that meant many more years of slowly climbing back up the anonymous & barely paid ladder, with no guarantee that I would ever make it up again 2) paid a staggering sum for breach of contract.

I recognise that I have recourse to familial financial cushions not everyone else does, and have seen others in my industry suffer. That emotional and financial hell I've seen others go through is not something I would demand anyone go through.

It’s nice he cares and his desperation to help in any way he can bodes well for your relationship, in large part. But by repeatedly looking for you to schedule in time with him at a moment when you’re already up to your neck in it, he’s putting his feelings first. The best thing he could do right now is leave you be, yes?

Say to yourself, first and foremost, that his angst and guilt over his lack of availability is a him problem.

Sometimes we just can’t be there. That’s the nature of adulthood. Right now he can’t be present in a way that you would find supportive, and given the nature of your loss, you don’t have the emotional bandwidth to assuage his feelings about that.

It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just how it is. He’s chosen a career where this will happen time and again. You’re respectful of his job, all he needs to do
to solve this issue is pay you the same respect. His feelings, even though they come from a place of kindness, and are natural and understandable, don’t trump yours. He can support you when you’re both free.

I didn't expect so many replies, thank you all!

We've known each other over six years as friends first and partners on and off for four years. We broke up for a while when he moved oversees for work. That was stressful and this is probably bringing it all back. He has met my sister a handful of times, she wasn't always around for family occasions.

He is self employed, yes, and says that he will be fired from this contract. It's only a 10 day shoot so we are just unlucky with the timing.

He is driving to my city for a meeting today and keeps talking about wanting to see my face. I feel like a bitch because I think I'll just get upset that he has to leave afterwards and then feel worse. Its easier for me to suck it up and see him when he's free from work.

No. Put your own needs first and see people that can stay with you.

You know this isn’t good long term.

I used to be ok with my DH not having flexibility and having to work around him etc. but I’ve found as I’ve got older it just matters a lot more and I want him to be around and available when I need him not when work will allow. If I could have understood when I was younger that one day this will matter to me a lot more I would have made it a dealbreaker not just gone along with it.

What happens if and when you are ill? Say ten years on he’s your long term partner but he can’t move things around to support you if you need an op? Or when a parent dies? Think carefully about this before continuing.

He seems to prioritising his wish to see your face over your needs to not feel even worse when he leaves. As long as it fits in with his schedule. No way.

I work in an ED in the NHS. This is true in our dept. Utterly crap in some circumstances, but true.

I think it is bringing up a bigger issue for me about our future and I can see he probably knows that. He's feels so guilty and is trying so hard that I would feel bad walking away from him.

I'm trying to harden myself and that's easier when not seeing him. I'm worried if I see him emotion will take over and I'll say 'please don't go back to work', which would be unfair.

I can also see my family is disappointed my partner won't be there. I'm looking at everyone else having their partners here and I probably feel a tinge of loneliness.

I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t just phone in sick if they couldn’t get the day off for a funeral. In fact, I know many people who have done that in all kinds of jobs.

it would be a deal breaker for me.

You are not important enough to risk his schedule. If he had the shits he wouldn’t be there…assuming the world still turns. Assuming they do also have contingencies for emergencies and life events.

He knows it looks bad and is trying to squeeze you in soothe his own conscience. It’s all about him.

There is absolutely nothing about his behaviour that screams selfishness so I don’t know why you’ve come to that conclusion.

Yes it’s awful he can’t be there but come on, should he lose him job for this? Because then you’d be saying he’s a cock lodger living off OP whilst he gets another job.

The poor man is trying here, it doesn’t help to make OP feel as though her OH isn’t good enough, when from what she’s said he very much is - life just isn’t fair sometimes.

Exactly. In his shoes, I’d be telling them I had the shits on the day of the funeral, as would everyone I know.

Her own family are disappointed in him. Op herself feels alone in her grief.
He hasn’t stepped up has he, and her sister’s funeral has become a test inadvertently, as very publicly it will be obvious to all that she is alone. I understand exactly why op feels like this, it’s not a random wedding - it’s op sister’s death, it’s another level attending this alone.

So basically he wants to come up for sex is what you're saying?

No one will die if he doesn’t turn up.
They will find a way to manage

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.
It does sound as if he means well, but you need to be straight with him and stick to your guns. “I can’t cope with the extra stress of fitting around your availability. I won’t hold it against you that you can’t be at the funeral and I’ll definitely need your support when it’s all over”.

Honestly OP I wouldn’t listen to half the replies here. MN is so quick to judge other peoples situations without any appreciation for the fact that not everyone’s lives work exactly like theirs. TV work is hardcore, a whole production could be riding on him being there. The pressure of that production loosing a ton of money by him not being there is immense.

Whether that’s a life you want to live is another issue entirely, and you are certainly not being unreasonable for saying that you need to prioritise your family, and that it will be harder for you to try and consider him over the next few weeks.

No advice but I am so sorry for your loss x