Wanting to take a pause because BF can't come to funeral?

[ChimneySweepLiverpool]

I have been seeing someone (we had broken up in the past but are now back together) for a little while but my personal life has been tricky. I had a sister with a long history of addiction and ED issues, which sadly she has lost her battle with. We as a family are close, supported and have had many close shaves over the years with this so we are doing ok.

He works in a very busy job in another city and it's more of a vocation than a job. It has come between us in the past, he tells me many of his colleagues find it hard to get successful relationships. The crux of the matter is he cannot come to the funeral. I'm almost ok about it but the logistics of seeing him is causing me stress.

He's telling me hours here and there he can be free over the next few days and has offered to do a big shop for the family. He has such guilt I think but I am finding it hard to worry about him and I almost want to say 'stop for a moment, can I just take a breath and if you can't come to the funeral, can I just spend time with my family and see you afterwards when you have time off?'. He's being lovely so I feel guilt. AIBU?

I should point out he has another job the following week and he's been in the industry twenty years. The people he is working with on this production know him very well, but when he mentioned a funeral they told him he clearly wasnt commitment. This wouldn't cause him to lose his job overall but it could cost him his relationship with this team.

You need to prioritise yourself right now but also to communicate with him. Obviously he can’t give you everything you want/need right now but tell him what he can do. Give groundrules

1. I need to be flexible to support my family and have more than enough planning to do. Do not ask me if I can meet up at certain times or certain places.
2. seeing you and then you leaving is causing me some emotional distress. I understand you can’t be here but you need to understand that in that case I need space for a few weeks until the funeral is over and things calm down.
3. i need your emotional support so a message in the morning and in the evening would be appreciated until I am in a more steady place. If I need you I will call you.

ive just gone through similar life events and did not have any bandwidth for anything. Right now he needs to be the one maintaining you - not the other way round. Keep your strength for your family and you. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Of course it’s an awful situation, and in an ideal world he should be there, but in the real world he can’t be.

Surely anyone who thinks about this for a second will realise that she’s only ‘alone’ because her OH has a job that doesn’t allow him to take time off for a girlfriend’s family members funeral. As others have said, they have missed an aunties funeral because it wasn’t first degree family.

I think he’s doing all he can in trying to be where she is at times his job allows, there isn’t much else that can be done.

I don’t think that’s what op is saying at all.

It sounds believable that he can't take time off work for this. As exemplified by other posters, there are jobs where you just aren't allowed time off for funerals unless it's a close family member. I had a colleague who had to miss the funeral of an uncle they were quite close to, as our employer didn't deem them a close enough relative (time off was given for the death of grandparents, parents, children and siblings only). It can be difficult to understand that's how some jobs work if your employer is more flexible, but that's just the reality. It shouldn't be, all employers should be more compassionate where possible, but we don't live in an ideal world. I would completely ignore the logistics of what he's doing, let him join you if he can, and not if he can't. Now is not the time to be thinking about the long-term prospects of the relationship, never make major decisions after a big shock. After a bit of time, then you can think about if the relationship works for you given the sometime difficult logistics, and if it doesn't, maybe changes can be made. But that's for another time in the future, not now.

Job or no job I don't see why you have to run around all over town to make time to see him just because he has one or two precious hours free.

Push back tell him no.
Don't be putting your needs aside even more to soothe his guilty bleatings.

After all, if you continue to go out with him, you need to get used to the lack of his presence at important times in your life.

So sorry about your sister. Wishing you strength for the coming days.

Wow that is a jump. 🙄

It's a tough time OP and you have to practice self care, treat yourself with kindness. You have a free pass to tell him or anyone you need space. He will understand and I'm sure you both knew something like this may one day happen if you've known each other so many years. This is challenging the relationship and you have to feel around for what makes you most comfortable

Wanting to take some time away to deal with all you are going through is definitely not unreasonable.

I think though that you need to look at the bigger picture here OP, is this how his whole life is going to be? Is he already preparing you for the fact that if you were to get married and have a family he'd be missing a lot of it due to work?

He could absolutely appeal to their better natures and restructure the shoot so that there is less dependency on him for that one day, with a backfill. But he won't. It's OK to be disappointed by that, but you don't need to deal with it right now.

I hope you have a friend to support you at the funeral, or a family member to sit with? Sending you strength and love.

You are going through a very stressful time right now and you just need to be clear with him.

Tell him you are not in the right mind set for a relationship right now and you’d like to take a break for a couple of weeks and not have any contact.

Thank you @Trulyme. I just am trying to understand if that is fair on him. I feel pressure to reply to his texts, calls. It would just be so much easier if he was here.

I don't think I can stay with someone who causes this stress in me. I run my own business and that can lead to missing events but when he has family issues/life issues I have managed to cancel. I know this can't be the case for him though.

His work operates in such a way that he can't come to the funeral to support you - ok.

But him indulging in a full on guilt fest about it and trying to fit you into an hour here & an hour there that suits his schedule, then making you feel bad when you push back saying that doesn't work for you & to give you space in the short term is unforgivable.

Hes making a terrible time in YOUR life about HIM & his feelings.

You are absolutely right to take a step away to focus on you, your family, the funeral and moving forward. He has no right to challenge or ignore what you say & ask him to do.

In your shoes I would put him on silent & only communicate when I felt I had time, energy & inclination.

In the medium term I would be evaluating this relationship - what are YOU getting from it & how is it likely to work out in the future?

From an outsiders pov - he comes across as selfish & self centred and you are too keen to please him.
I'd end it and move on.

I think you just want to not need to worry about supporting your bf at this time, OP. That is reasonable to feel. Tell him to please just back off if he can't be here, as this in between approach is harder and worse for you.

Thank you.

He's driving nearby to his meeting and he said he will stay until tomorrow but he will then have to go back to work for the next 11 days. He hopes to see me today and tomorrow (we don't live together) but today I am with my Mum. He says he just feels better knowing he is nearby.

I have told him it might be nice to see him tomorrow for a coffee/lunch/a break away from funeral planning. Hopefully then I can explain face to face that I am finding this dynamic difficult.

Don't make any big decisions about this relationship whilst you are in the early stages of grief

I feel so sorry for how you must have been used if that's where your mind goes

Can you not just say video calling & texting will be better for you now (especially as he can still presumably do that to some extent on set and anytime when you're really down) & you don't really have the energy to arrange physical meetings etc

I think it’s actually less fair to be with someone who you’re unsure about.

Focus on yourself for a while, as you’ve been through a lot and it’s going to take some time to come to terms with it.

Its better for you both to have some time apart and have no contact.

I don't think those esoteric are saying that to the OP.

She has examined that she is disappointed but what she is struggling with is that his efforts to compensate for not being at the funeral.are causing her more stress.

The 'real world' comments are aimed at the posters who claim he should just drop everything because she's more important or that he should just explain to his employer.

Those are the comments that people are responding to. Not the OP who is actually being quite reasonable.

You clearly haven’t understood the type of work he’s in or the meaning of a contract. It’s his long distance girlfriends’s sister who has passed away- not an immediate relative. What do you want him to do, breach his contract and lose his job ?

That was me. And my ‘real world’ comments weren’t directed at the OP. They were in defence of her and aimed at posters who seem to think that her BF can just breach the terms of his contract to attend the funeral. I have the utmost sympathy for what the OP must be going through but at the end of the day her sister is not an immediate relative of her BF and OP can’t - and as far as I can see from her posts, doesn’t - expect him to be able to get time off without serious consequences.

Jesus wept. MN is a bag of shite sometimes.

OP has explained the commitment. TV work, ten day shoot. That implies serious commitments and deadlines to be met. He takes time off he will probably be fired and replaced - and given that he would be leaving them in the shit, probably blacklisted.

You said You are giving him far too much credit. He doesn’t feel terrible, he isn’t lovely. He thinks his job is more important than you. I think not attending the funeral of your sibling because he is too busy at work is unforgivable. Don’t accept his scraps. Since you don’t know him at all you can’t possibly know these things, so it’s reasonable to assume you have experienced similar and are projecting.

Problem is, doing so may mean that 15/20 people are sitting around twiddling their thumbs while a replacement is found. This could cost thousands.

Weirdly, creative jobs seem to be some of the least flexible. A friend is a music producer and when they have the studio booked, they more or less live there (at least 16 hours a day). There are documentaries about what it is like to make a big computer game and it looks brutal - everyone works over the weekends and talks about the “crunch”.