If your parents offered to pay for school fees…

[Grosshesselohe]

How do/did your adult siblings feel about this?

I’m talking about a situation where the parents are very comfortable financially and their adult children are employed in good professional jobs - but might struggle to pay school fees without some help.

In this situation, the sibling does not have school age children & does not want to be given the equivalent amount of £ to make things even.

They simply disagree with the parents helping at all and are now insinuating that they are being manipulated in some way.

AIBU to think the sibling should mind their own business?

A relative pays for my youngest child's school fees. Nobody knows other than us (and my child) as we think it comes under the realm of 'finances' and so is private.

They haven't always paid for them, though. Only the last couple of years.

I do think the sibling, if they were told, ought to have more empathy or mind their own business.

It is their business though if they genuinely feel the parents are being manipulated. If it’s just a moral objection then that’s different and isn’t their business.

I’d get something in writing to confirm the parents are paying the fees of their own free will, as a gift, in case the sibling raises it again when inheritance is an issue.

Do you have any siblings?

Well, ultimately it isn't the sibling's choice as to how their parents spend their money. But if they genuinely believe that their parents are being unfairly manipulated, then they are not unreasonable to raise this as a concern.

Given that they they have declined the offer of the same amount of money, their objections don't appear to be grounded in jealousy. Perhaps they want the parents to spend the money on enjoying their old age? Or to save it for their future care needs? They may feel that they are standing up for their parents' best interests.

Alternatively, they might just think that private education is a monumental waste of money. In which case, they are entitled to their opinion but it isn't really any of their business.

More info needed before I could make a judgement, I think.

It’s a mistake to treat your children differently. Only leads to ill feeling.

My parents sat my other siblings down and explained they would like to pay private school fees for my children before they spoke to us. My siblings were very happy at the idea and see it as the part of the children’s inheritance and have no issue with it . If they ever have children then the same will be done for them

And when you say sibling doesn’t have school-age children, does the mean they are too old, too young or don’t yet exist?

Hmm.

Easiest solution would be to gift both siblings money, and the money gifted to sibling 1 is enough to pay for school fees.

If sibling 2's objection is not on the grounds of fairness then I would try to find out what their objection was.

Why doesn't the sibling want to receive the equivalent amount of money?

It’s a gift, the parents are not being manipulated- in fact they offered without being asked. I suppose the sibling must have a moral objection because the manipulation claim is pretty ridiculous.

The parents were very happy to pay but are now feeling uncomfortable and sad about the reaction of the sibling.

The dc’s fees have been paid by their parents until now but the costs are rising steeply as they progress through school: there are 3dc, the eldest is starting year 10 next year and the youngest has 7 years left.

Totally agree with this. Parents should just allocate the same amount of money to each child, and if one set wants to use it for private schooling then that’s up to them.

This is what makes me think there is some genuine concern behind the sibling's reaction.

Offering without being asked isn't necessarily proof that they haven't been manipulated, though. Manipulation can be a lot more subtle than that.

I would be interested in hearing the sibling's perspective on this, personally. The fact that they have declined the equivalent amount of money suggests that their motivations are not just selfish.

Me too.

I will never understand this obsession that all things should be equal. Life doesn't work that way and I only ever see this on Mumsnet. It would be very different if both siblings had children and only one of them were having fees paid by parents. Completely different if only one sibling has kids and that's what the parents are doing.
It's like begrudging your niece's or nephews something. It's bizarre and I find it so weird how obsessed some people are by now much is left in the pot when their parents die. It's insane.

I don't really understand the comments about treating siblings fairly in this context - the grandparents are undertaking this for their grandchildren, members of their family with whom they have their own connection, not just as an extension of that child, surely?

My sibling is child free and our mother gives my young children £3 per week 'pocket money' each, an arrangement I was never asked about and is between them - does she need to give an equivalent amount to my sibling (in their 30s) so as to be fair? And why do I get nothing in that scenario 😂 (And yes I appreciate there is no equivalence with school fees, I'm genuinely trying to understand the principles here)

You don't say whether you have siblings. If your parents were to sadly die in the 7 years that they've been gifting this money then the solicitors or whoever is handling probate would see from the bank accounts that these payments had been made
I speak with some experience here - having discovered after my parents' deaths that they'd been gifting tens of thousands to my sister and her facility for years! She was mortified - having hoped it would be her little secret. And was flabbergasted!
So would advise transparency if you have siblings. Deaths are hard enough without little financial bombs going off. The dead leave very few secrets where money is concerned

If they're are other DGC they should be treated equally.
Were they or will they be given the opportunity to go to private school at Granny's expense?

The sibling has one older child who has just left university. Their dc (the cousin) went to a private school also, without any help from DGPs on either side, but the fees weren’t unaffordable, especially as there was just the one child.

It isn’t a case of the sibling wanting their parents to enjoy themselves (they have certainly never suggested this) and the amount involved, even if doubled to give equivalent sum to sibling, would have no impact on care provision.

This other sibling sounds like their have some sort of grudge, otherwise none of this makes sense. If any attempts to make it equal are being refused than this sibling needs to get a grip. I assume they're not a child if their own child has left uni. They're behaving like a bratty 5 year old.

So - which one are you OP 😄

My aunt and uncle turned down money from his parents to send their kids private - so the grandparents who aren’t also my grandparents- and it turned out well. Their kids (20 years younger than me) did brilliantly in their degrees and masters and went on to go into amazing fields of work

But they’re both super bright. I’d more likely accept money to send my younger dc who struggles to private school than the older one who is super academic and doesn’t need it.

I think they broadly feel it's the parents' money to do what they like with, although they have been helped financially for different reasons. It's very difficult for everything to be equal when money was given at different ages for different purposes and some siblings have more children than others, some don't have any. But I think we're committed to not let money get in the way of our relationships with each other.

the sibling does not have school age children & does not want to be given the equivalent amount of £ to make things even. - so what is his gripe?

No wonder sibling is pissed off.

They made the decision to have one child, to give them the best they could possibly missed out on fancy holiday etc to pay fees.
They are probably still paying a fortune for uni.
Here's you coming along 3 kids and Granny's funding.