If your parents offered to pay for school fees…

[Grosshesselohe]

How do/did your adult siblings feel about this?

I’m talking about a situation where the parents are very comfortable financially and their adult children are employed in good professional jobs - but might struggle to pay school fees without some help.

In this situation, the sibling does not have school age children & does not want to be given the equivalent amount of £ to make things even.

They simply disagree with the parents helping at all and are now insinuating that they are being manipulated in some way.

AIBU to think the sibling should mind their own business?

Have you had a lot of support from your parents? Has your sibling done it all themselves while you've had constant babysitting and childcare? Is this the straw that's broken the camel's back? Have your DC always received preferential treatment in comparison to your DN?

Sibling could be worried that their parents are being advantage of.

In my family there are three adult siblings, with 0, 1 and 2 DCs respectively. If our parents wanted to pay school fees for anyone's DC, we'd most likely all be fine with it and see it as a sensible tax-efficient thing to do: regular payments you can afford from your income are a good way to 'give' money to grandchildren instead of adding it to your estate and paying inheritance tax later. My DPs and in-laws like to put money in the grandchildren's JISAs too - would your siblings also object to that? Literally no-one on either side of the family with or without children think it's unfair that grandchildren are provided for.

The sibling just thinks that DPs shouldn’t help their adult children and that everyone should stand on their own feet.

They didn’t need the help themselves and they think it’s wrong to accept this sort of help.

I want to understand the psychology behind it. It’s very upsetting to everyone when they rant and rave and tell the parents that they are being manipulated.

There was never any attempt to hide this from them, everyone assumed that simply giving them the equivalent amount would be fine. There is also no history of the parents being manipulated or giving generous gifts to one dc and not the other, they are very fair.

There must be some truth to the manipulation because why else would they not want to even accept money from the parents?

I can see that this could be manipulation. Parents "casually" mention that costs are rising steeply, that they don't want to move their children from their schools where they are settled and have made friends .... lo and behold, the grand parents "spontaneously" offer to pay the fees.

The fees for 3 children will be upwards of 500k. Of course that would be grossly unfair if the GPs did not contribute to the older grandchild's fees. The GP should split their resources fairly. Perhaps an amount set aside towards a house deposit would ease the disparity. Why should the other sibling receive nothing for their family by being able to afford fees themselves because they only had 1 child instead of 3!

Yes, I do have siblings. We were going through situation of bankruptcy and divorce, and my child only has a couple of years left at school, so the offer was made so as not to disrupt her education. So it's not a fortune, but it is a private matter. I did not ask, but the offer was made.

I get the impression that the sibling wants everyone to assume precisely that! It feels manipulation in itself.

Obviously it’s impossible to prove that the sibling receiving the offer is not being manipulative- the only possible factor is that they are closer to the parents and the offer wasn’t made to the other sibling when their dc was at school - but there was never any sense that help was needed.

Well, that’s all cover for the fact their feelings are hurt and fear that their parents favour the other sibling (whether justified or not).

I think I personally would be pissed off if I’d paid thousands for school fees with no outside help and then my sibling gets the same handed to them on a plate.

Yes, it was something along these lines, admittedly

I would presume that ahould my siblings have children then they wouls be treated fairly and their fees would also be paid. I would only accept the payment knowing they could afford to do so and that was the deal

My dad treated us all as individuals, including the grandchildren. If I'd complained when he paid my nephew and nieces school fees (I was childless at the time), he'd have quite rightly told me it was none of my business what he spent his money on.

Interesting way of looking at things.
If I didn't have dc and my dp gave my sibling money for the gc, why on earth is it any of my business?
The gc have their own relationship with dp and are people in their own right.
Surely they are seperate and it's not the same as handing one sibling more money?

The parents are very happy to give the equivalent amount to their other dc, paid into an account at the same time that the fees go out, to make it completely equal.

I honestly think the sibling is motivated by spite. They were looking forward to seeing the struggle with 3 sets of fees and potential for dc to be moved from their schools.

Nothing else seems to make sense.

And if the parents had given their sibling money for any sensible reason (ie not for gambling or something crazy), the sibling with the 3dc would not have considered it any of their business. The whole thing feels so strange.

The amounts involved will not affect the parents lifestyle or future needs in any way.

I don't have kids but my sisters do. I wouldn't be happy in this situation, and I wouldn't take the equivalent money either. Fund your own kids' education!

It feels wrong from what I’ve read from you OP, I appreciate you are keeping details vague, so I may be off the mark, but paying for three children’s private school fees and giving the other grandchild (adult or not) nothing is cruel. Even if the sibling would appreciate the money now, it’s clear they are hurt and I would probably feel similar. It’s not treating children equally and that’s not fair.

That’s the $64,000 question!

How was the offer phrased though?

’If you’re unhappy about it, we can give you the same amount if you want?’

is very different psychologically to

’We’re giving you each ££. Sibling is spending theirs on school fees, spend yours on what you want!’

if there’s genuine manipulation then that’s the only way I can get on board with the sibling having an opinion - again apart from that there’s nothing more tedious than adults whinging about being treated unfairly compared to their siblings.

It always seems to be about money too rather than any other relationship inequality which signifies greed.

In which case parents are being manipulated. They aren’t just randomly choosing to give the money freely, they’ve had their child complaining and moaning to them about the costs of putting 3 kids through school, winging about how they’d have to take kids out of that school, laying it on nice and thick. And all of a sudden they offer the money. If I was sibling I wouldn’t be happy with this either, they’re right really, have the life you can afford on your own two feet.

I don’t know, I think other inequality is hard to quantify - time, attention, support, love. All entirely subjective.

Money is black and white numbers. Very easy to see where the inequality is.

My grandparents paid for my brother's school fees. My parents' siblings didn't care (not sure if they even knew about it?) as it was my grandmother's money to do with what she wanted. I also didn't mind, even though I went to a state school but I liked my school and was happy for my brother.

This is a simple case of a sibling being pissed off and ‘lashing’ out

It doesn’t need to be really given the energy. It’s the parents money they can do what they wish with it.

I can fully empathize with the bitter sibling though, we chose to only have one child as we want to go the private school route, I’d be hurt to put my child through school and then my sibling gets their 3x kids paid for. Even if the same money was offered to me after the fact. I do think if large gifts like this were on the table it should have been discussed years ago, but that obviously depends on the source of these funds.