If your parents offered to pay for school fees…

[Grosshesselohe]

How do/did your adult siblings feel about this?

I’m talking about a situation where the parents are very comfortable financially and their adult children are employed in good professional jobs - but might struggle to pay school fees without some help.

In this situation, the sibling does not have school age children & does not want to be given the equivalent amount of £ to make things even.

They simply disagree with the parents helping at all and are now insinuating that they are being manipulated in some way.

AIBU to think the sibling should mind their own business?

See, that does sound like manipulation to me. It sounds like it was said in the hope of getting an offer of paying fees rather than the more adult option of asking directly. And I do agree with the sibling saying that as an adult you shouldn’t be relying on your parents to fund things (though that’s easy for me to say with no well-off parents or PIL to offer money - I suspect I might think otherwise if things were different).

The sibling may also be thinking ahead to the parents getting older and frailer, and potential care costs. While the parents sounds as though they have plenty of money if they can cover school fees for three children for several years, that will deplete funds for anything else.

Yep.

bil’s sister put her two in private school at 2.

couldn’t afford it long term, clearly. Lots of discussion about having to put them in the local sink primary, where these poor children would no doubt get bullied and beaten up for being “posh”

hey presto, grandparents start “helping” out.

bil kids, a few years younger, got nothing, as all GP’s spare cash was going on the school fees- although bil didn’t find this out for years as it was kept hush hush.

the older two GC even got all their student loans paid as the sister then guilted them into the whole they won’t get to go to uni.

Bil’s parents are massive snobs and bought into the whole private school shit, but didn’t think forwards to the fact they wouldn’t be able to offer the younger two the same. And as bil didn’t know they were paying, never asked or considered private school.

I think this about hurt, whether they needed it or not the parents didn't make this offer to the sibling with the older child. They've made choices like having one DC to make sure they could afford to sustain the lifestyle they wanted for their DC . Younger sibling has had 3 DC can't afford to keep up with what they've started and parents have jumped in to rescue. It's not the money, it's the thought and the offer that was there for one and not the other, it's also that they've made sensible decisions to be able to support themselves and their family, younger sibling doesn't but gets bailed out anyway.
I can see why that would sting

Do you mean the other gc getting the total equivalent to the 3 cousins fees?

Is it then being gifted from earnings.

What would annoy me is if a sibling got say 325 and it uses up the gp tax free allowance (or even is 7 years earlier) and then also any left is divided equally.
As then the child 2 would lose to iht

This is an awful thing to do.

Are you the grandparent paying the fees?

Sounds like the sibling has been cast as the capable one, which usually happens at a young age. It's always been assumed that they would be fine standing on their own two feet and no help given, because they don't "need" it. They've made every decision in life on the assumption that they wouldn't be given any additional help, because they're expected to be the capable one and get on with it and no help has ever been offered. That made well have included the number of children they had.

Then the sibling (always less capable, always "needing" more help?) comes along and has three children - but when they can't afford fees, mum and dad step in to help them, again.

Is there some truth in that? It's a really shit place to be.

So why didn't the grandparents help out when the sibling's child was still in school? What use is the money to him now?

I can totally understand the sibling's pov. It just seems like grandparents are giving him the money now just so that it makes it 'ok' for them to pay for the 3 grandchildren.

I'm the sibling in this situation. My parents pay for DN's to go to private school. There has never been any offer of any "equivalent" to us, although last year they did offer to pay for DC2's music lessons. I'm not surprised (apart from the offer of music lessons!) and I don't expect anything from them. I know my place. I know sibling manipulates my parents by withholding my DN's.

I can see why they think it's manipulative, probably my sibling did the same kind of thing. I would think they don't want to accept the money because, if it hadn't been for you needing it for the school fees, it would never have been offered. They're not being offered the money out of kindness, they weren't offered the money when they had young Dc to put through private school or when they were struggling and had to make sacrifices, or to make their life easier, they're only being offered it because you need it.

My dad pays for DS fees. I have a younger sister. She received a lump sum of money to make up for it but I think the fees will end up being more (as they keep increasing!). She said she doesn’t care. She might feel differently when she has her own kids I’m not sure (she’s 25).

Yeah, I'm rethinking my original response now reflecting on the fact that the sibling has already put a child through private school with no offer of help. In my family that would be okay - it would be because DPs didn't really have estate planning and IHT on their minds 10+ years ago and now they do (and maybe have more 'spare' money to make regular payments with). But if it's really a case of the sibling (and their DC) being an afterthought I can see that it might be hurtful.

If I were the sibling, I might be pissed off thinking my sibling was being manipulative, but overall accept the grandparents' decision as it's not the DCs' fault.

To be honest, you sound a bit up yourself when you say this:

I want to understand the psychology behind it.

Your sibling has every right to have their own reaction and actually they probably cannot believe the cheek of you accepting school fees for 3 children. I assume your parents are nice and they've essentially been guilt tripped into doing this. 7 years of private school is long enough to switch to state if you can no longer afford it.
I can see your siblings point of view now, you're coming across very entitled now. Saying you want to understand the psychology behind it makes you sound like you're trying to make your sibling look crazy, when they're just as entitled to an opinion as you are.

I'd worry about What happens if the grandparents die? Is provision made for the estate to continue?
If siblings have a reason to think it's been coerced from parents ....like you have form for getting everything paid for it is their right to be upset.

If their "adults should stand on your own feet" response genuinely reflects their ideology, then if I were the grandparents I'd be thinking hard about the best way to assist / support their other grandchild directly rather than via their parents. Eg offering to pay student loan / house deposit / other. And have the discussion directly with that child (either now or after they've left uni or after they are 25 or whatever at their discretion!)

Why would GPS offer without being asked if the costs were never mentioned? Why put children into education you can't afford.

I agree with this!

DH has several siblings but only one girl. PIL pretty much paid for a good chunk of her wedding many years ago. They have given other £ gifts to DH and his brothers but not to the same value or scale.

None of them care!

It's PILs money and they can do with it as they see fit 🤷🏻‍♀️

My sibling decided to do a second degree and my parents paid for it as they could afford it and it would help with their future career.

I was happy for my sibling. It was really none of my business anyway, but I certainly wouldn't expect my parents to give me the equivalent money.

If they can afford it and want to pay for it, why shouldn't they?

I misread this, but same applies to school fees or further education. If the parents want to help it's their choice.

Maybe they didn't mention the difficulties they faced financially to the family.
They may feel that the sibling 'moaned 'a lot and that as pressure on the Granparents.
Possibly, the Gransparents could 'gift' the equivalent of fees × 3 to their eldest Grandchild each year? This could help with University Debt etc. The Grandparents could then pay the fees directly to the school each year. Rather than a lump sum to parents.

One assumes that Grandparents will be paying fees for at least another 5 or 6 years.
No one knows what can befall the Grandparents in that time. One always thinks there is enough for future care or another Liz Truss wiping out investment.

So you did put a guilt trip on your parents to get them to pay for your children's education. Your sibling has called you on your manipulation and now you're crying about it because they saw through you.

I don't see why ppl suggests offering 3x school fees to eldest dgc. Each grandchild is a separate person. If I were the gp I'd offer something to eldest dgc, in the form of financial help for uni or house deposit. Not three times what the cousins are getting, approx the average. But op and others seems to see the children as extensions of their parents.

I think it's hard to want to accept the equivalent money offered when the only reason it's been offered is they want to give money to the other sibling.

It's complicated but on a much lesser scale I understand. One of my siblings has been bailed out many times by my family and my DM would like to offer the equivalent amount of money to me. It would just feel really uncomfortable accepting. I don't resent the money but I do think a bit less of my DS for not supporting themselves.

Is the assumption that the GPs are financially secure accurate? My DSis holds this belief about my DPs and is constantly asking for money as a result but she hasn't thought forward 20 years. What happens if they get dementia and need round the clock care for example? The money goes like sand in an egg timer like that.

I get why the sibling is pissed off. Their sibling made choices they couldn’t afford and are now expecting parents to foot the bill. It stinks of manipulation, even if the grandparents can afford it.

So there is the truth of it. That to me is manipulation. You chose to have three children and chose to send them to private school and now you can't afford to continue so your parents feel obliged to offer to help because they don't want to see the younger child have less than the siblings. I now agree with your sibling, you and your husband made a decision and should accept that you can't afford to continue and should not expect grand parents to pick up the shortfall.

Blatantly unfair. Are they equalising this in the will? Reduce your inheritance by fees paid ?

I’ve seen this at play in a family, although it was never discussed, I’m convinced a similar whinge session(s) resulted in private school being funded.

I see it as an outsider, but that particular sibling in the family I’m thinking of, has the parents completely doing her bidding! She has turned her own form of non-manipulative manipulation into an art form, it’s almost incredible to watch it!

she’d never say she’s manipulating and they wouldn’t never say they are being manipulated, but it’s clear as day, to those looking on!