Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your parents offered to pay for school fees…

229 replies

Grosshesselohe · 27/02/2024 12:30

How do/did your adult siblings feel about this?

I’m talking about a situation where the parents are very comfortable financially and their adult children are employed in good professional jobs - but might struggle to pay school fees without some help.

In this situation, the sibling does not have school age children & does not want to be given the equivalent amount of £ to make things even.

They simply disagree with the parents helping at all and are now insinuating that they are being manipulated in some way.

AIBU to think the sibling should mind their own business?

OP posts:
Original poster
Grosshesselohe · 27/02/2024 16:35

lemmefinish · 27/02/2024 15:14

Did the sibling stick to one dc in order to afford fees? Did they work f/t to afford them etc? Too many variables.

i can’t believe so many people are fine with a sibling getting hundreds of thousands & them not getting anything 😆

they had trouble TTC a second

OP posts:
Original poster
Grosshesselohe · 27/02/2024 16:37

PansyOatZebra · 27/02/2024 15:11

I’d be annoyed. This happened to my mum.

My nana and grandpa paid for my cousin to go to private school. But for me and my brother state school was apparently acceptable. And it wasn’t because the local state school for my cousin was bad, it was actually the same school my mum went to.

It as just unfair tbh that one of the grandchildren was favoured more than the others. My mum was really upset abouT it.

A lot of responses saying things like this but it really doesn’t apply - parents have always been scrupulously fair

OP posts:
JustMarriedBecca · 27/02/2024 16:37

Chickenrunning · 27/02/2024 15:32

I can see the siblings point of view. Money now, for them, when they are past the point of needing it is not at all equivalent to money (or the potential offer of money) when they were making decisions many years ago about how many children to have, what holidays to go on or not to go on, what job to take etc etc.

Say they get £200k now. It won’t buy them the ability to take their 12 year old to Disneyland, or wherever, if that child is 22, will it?

Now obviously, times change and what grandparents can afford changes, and it is also possible they have been ‘lucky’ with that in other ways, such as their only child having undivided attention of younger grandparents.

But, the way you have portrayed it means that the sibling may well be feeling ‘oh, you notice now how expensive things are and offer to help when you are nudged into it, shame it is too late for me’

This is exactly it. You've not been honest in the OP. Your later post makes clear it was manipulation.

You say your sibling was "fine". Was that in a well paid job that was probably so stressful they wanted to go part time or take decent holidays but couldn't because they had private school fees to pay? That they had one child because they budgeted for school fees on that basis?

No wonder your sibling is furious. I understand from the grandparents view - IHT probably not in their minds then. But I hope the other GC is given the same for a house deposit. And their parents, your sibling, given the opportunity to air grievances.

The very fact this is happening makes me think this is the tip of the iceberg and you've probably always been a favoured younger child. The eldest one is capable and has been left to it.

Similar situation here. My brother and his partner have similar incomes to our household. We always paid my parents expenses when they helped with childcare and took them on holidays etc. for free to say thank you. My brother pays absolutely sod all and expects my parents to babysit for a few hours and travel the length of the country to do it. He's always been the baby and I've always had to let these things slide. It's annoying as hell.

Sorry OP. You should have budgeted better. And don't be so damned manipulative.

ColleenDonaghy · 27/02/2024 16:39

Grosshesselohe · 27/02/2024 16:30

Coming across as entitled is what worries me.

When I say that I want to understand the sibling’s motivations, it’s just that they don’t really discuss how they feel about it, just say things like, “it’s pathetic to accept help.”

Reading some of these responses is helpful.

Show quote history

It really isn't so crazy to think that grown ups should stand on their own two feet.

Original poster
Grosshesselohe · 27/02/2024 16:41

JustMarriedBecca · 27/02/2024 16:37

This is exactly it. You've not been honest in the OP. Your later post makes clear it was manipulation.

You say your sibling was "fine". Was that in a well paid job that was probably so stressful they wanted to go part time or take decent holidays but couldn't because they had private school fees to pay? That they had one child because they budgeted for school fees on that basis?

No wonder your sibling is furious. I understand from the grandparents view - IHT probably not in their minds then. But I hope the other GC is given the same for a house deposit. And their parents, your sibling, given the opportunity to air grievances.

The very fact this is happening makes me think this is the tip of the iceberg and you've probably always been a favoured younger child. The eldest one is capable and has been left to it.

Similar situation here. My brother and his partner have similar incomes to our household. We always paid my parents expenses when they helped with childcare and took them on holidays etc. for free to say thank you. My brother pays absolutely sod all and expects my parents to babysit for a few hours and travel the length of the country to do it. He's always been the baby and I've always had to let these things slide. It's annoying as hell.

Sorry OP. You should have budgeted better. And don't be so damned manipulative.

Show quote history

They offered to help the sibling many times when their dc was younger, but they declined

OP posts:
ColleenDonaghy · 27/02/2024 16:43

OP, several of us have picked up on the dynamic of your sibling being the capable one - is that accurate?

Slanketblanket · 27/02/2024 16:43

I'm with the sibling. Don't do stuff you can't afford. It's quite simple.

lemmefinish · 27/02/2024 16:43

They offered to help the sibling many times when their dc was younger, but they declined

Why did they decline but take the help for a deposit?

mitogoshi · 27/02/2024 16:44

It partly depends whether the annoyed sibling has children and whether the parents (grandparents that is) offered support to that sibling when their children were younger. To a certain extent I could see that there would be resentment if the grandparents funded a private education for one set of grandchildren when it's too late for the others even if money is offered because education is more than just money

Baaaaaa · 27/02/2024 16:45

It's massively unfair if one sibling has their child/childrens school fees paid and the other sibling is childless so gets nothing(or has kids and gets nothing) Of course it is

The situation is entirely reversed if the sibling is offered equivalent but refuses. Entirely different.

It is essentially a gift of money and one chooses to spend it on educating children.

HanaJane · 27/02/2024 16:46

Nothing wrong with grandparents helping out with school fees. Whenever my parents have given us money they give all of us the same amount to make it fair.
I know they pay for one day of nursery fees for my nephew because they live too far away for regular childcare, but looked after my DC one day a week before they started school, so wanted to make things fair.
Sounds like it's your sibling that has the problem, perhaps your parents could pay equal amount of money into a savings account for them to have eventually as an inheritance?

Original poster
Grosshesselohe · 27/02/2024 16:47

lemmefinish · 27/02/2024 16:43

They offered to help the sibling many times when their dc was younger, but they declined

Why did they decline but take the help for a deposit?

That was decades ago, they were still very young and I suppose they hadn’t established their independent stance yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grosshesselohe · 27/02/2024 16:49

HanaJane · 27/02/2024 16:46

Nothing wrong with grandparents helping out with school fees. Whenever my parents have given us money they give all of us the same amount to make it fair.
I know they pay for one day of nursery fees for my nephew because they live too far away for regular childcare, but looked after my DC one day a week before they started school, so wanted to make things fair.
Sounds like it's your sibling that has the problem, perhaps your parents could pay equal amount of money into a savings account for them to have eventually as an inheritance?

This is the problem- sibling doesn’t want anyone to be given help.

OP posts:
Slanketblanket · 27/02/2024 16:51

When the money is offered is key here too. Maybe the sibling had to make huge sacrifices (unknown) so whilst they could get evened up it doesn't make up for those life decisions.

My in-laws have given a lot of money to SIL. They've said it will even up in the will but they can't afford to even it up now. Fine, we don't care really and rather they spent their own money on them but it does mean that SIL lives mortgage free for 30 years and spends all income on lifestyle while we sit paying the bank 100k in interest on our mortgage. Evening it up in 20 years won't make our lives equal.

Herdinggoats · 27/02/2024 16:52

It sound like your mind is made up to take the money. But you are never going to convince your sibling that they will are not right to be furious. If my brother had said to my parents that the school fees had gone up and he was worried, I know my parents would bend over backwards to help and I would be livid about him putting them in that position.

The expectation is when you let parents know about these things is that they will want to help if they can. Of course it is manipulation.

ek20 · 27/02/2024 16:55

Whatever you do make sure the money is in a trust fund or it is written into the Will's that this is something the relatives have committed to. Saw a few children pulled out of private school, or parent's basically bankrupted themselves to keep them at the school, because the relative had unexpectedly died and left no provision for future fees.

Foxesandsquirrels · 27/02/2024 17:00

Herdinggoats · 27/02/2024 16:52

It sound like your mind is made up to take the money. But you are never going to convince your sibling that they will are not right to be furious. If my brother had said to my parents that the school fees had gone up and he was worried, I know my parents would bend over backwards to help and I would be livid about him putting them in that position.

The expectation is when you let parents know about these things is that they will want to help if they can. Of course it is manipulation.

Edited

I agree with this.

AmethystSparkles · 27/02/2024 17:03

I think it’s very controlling of the sibling to say that neither they or you should receive any money. It’s up to them if they want to refuse the money but it’s none of their business if you want to accept it.

My parents paid some of DS’s fees for a while (autistic, academic) and it never even occurred to me what my siblings thought. I’m not sure they even knew. I’d choose a small, friendly independent school over a state school for most children. For the pastoral care, not for academic reasons.

Loopytiles · 27/02/2024 17:06

YABU. Private school costs hundreds of thousands of pounds and the ‘exit costs’ are high, so this is a huge expense and commitment.

Loopytiles · 27/02/2024 17:07

Also agree that there are significant risks involved for the DC.

Mostlyoblivious · 27/02/2024 17:12

Did the sibling ttc have to give up due to lack of funds?

Look, the GPs are going to offer what they want. The Sibling is going to hold a grudge so get a solicitor, someone who can attest to GPs capacity and accept the fees and go from there. Sibling has a grudge and it isn’t fresh by the sound of it so carry on and do what is right for your family.

Humdingerydoo · 27/02/2024 17:17

A lot of grandparents with a bit of spare cash want to pay for things like school fees as it's an easy way to gift money to their loved ones without the risk of the recipient being stuck with inheritance tax at the end of it. My in laws are like that, although not to anywhere near those sums of money (unfortunately 🙃).

As long as your parents aren't struggling financially as a result and are still able to lead a happy and fulfilling life I personally see no problems with it.

Mumof2teens79 · 27/02/2024 17:18

Do you think at some point in the past sibling asked for help...maybe TTC or similar- but was turned down and told to stand on own two feet? Perhaps because GP didn't want to over committ given they couldn't predict you would gave 3 children?

There is no issue giving gifts but the issue comes with offering to pay for a specific thing, that is no longer any use to the sibling.
Private education isn't obe size fits all and isn't one price across all schools.
There may well ge sacrifices made historically that can never be got back now

And also a history of one sibling typically asking for and getting more.

SIL does this. There is always a disaster or a sobstory, sge tells her mum about every difficulty in life and over exaggerates it, till MIL offers to pay.
Sge has had at least 5x as much in handouts as the other kids because she is struggling or has an emergency.....but she doesn't actually work.
So yes I would be annoyed if MIL said I'll pay for your kids school fees, when mine have already left school and didn't have that option.

Botanica · 27/02/2024 17:28

I don't think this about the money, or the grandchildren.

Your sibling has an issue with you.

I suspect they see themselves as hardworking, independent, self made and responsible for their own choices in life and funding them fully themselves.

And they don't recognise the same qualities in you, which is causing a conflict in values.

The fee paying has only highlighted an underlying rift and is unlikely the issue in itself.

Original poster
Grosshesselohe · 27/02/2024 17:33

Botanica · 27/02/2024 17:28

I don't think this about the money, or the grandchildren.

Your sibling has an issue with you.

I suspect they see themselves as hardworking, independent, self made and responsible for their own choices in life and funding them fully themselves.

And they don't recognise the same qualities in you, which is causing a conflict in values.

The fee paying has only highlighted an underlying rift and is unlikely the issue in itself.

Yes, I feel this is fairly accurate. They have always had this sort of moralistic trait, thinking their world view is the right one and looking down on others who don’t conform to their values

OP posts: