If your parents offered to pay for school fees…

[Grosshesselohe]

How do/did your adult siblings feel about this?

I’m talking about a situation where the parents are very comfortable financially and their adult children are employed in good professional jobs - but might struggle to pay school fees without some help.

In this situation, the sibling does not have school age children & does not want to be given the equivalent amount of £ to make things even.

They simply disagree with the parents helping at all and are now insinuating that they are being manipulated in some way.

AIBU to think the sibling should mind their own business?

I honestly don't think it's as much about holding moral high ground as you think; it's about valuing independence, and the ability to say and do and behave as you wish and feel right, regardless of finances. I believe when money enters the family game the rules and behaviors change. I was much happier being honest with my parents about all kinds of issues that my sister was. For example I was able to say that I thought they needed carers when the time came; sister was too cowed and afraid of losing her drip drip of money. As a result sadly my parents didn't get the care they needed when they needed it.
Its about keeping g your freedom and independence
That's my insight into the thought process which you asked for, OP

Your parents can't take it with them, if they want to help and they can afford it then why not, your sibling is being unfair. I hope we will be able to help my kids if we can afford it. How spiteful of your sibling.

True, they can't take it with them. But we're living longer lives, with longer periods of ill health at the ends of them.

I’ve put YABU not because of accepting the GP’s help but expecting the sibling to butt out. It is their business because they should be looking after parents best interests. I know I would if I was concerned my DS was being a bit manipulative to get something from them.

Now that you’ve clarified that your parents did offer to help your sibling with school fees, as well as giving you both a deposit (would have been useful to have that information in your first post, as there was a lot of speculation), it does seem to be a personality/ belief issue in that your sibling believes adults should not need financial help from parents beyond ‘early stages of adult life’ such as a house deposit. I think the fact that you didn’t ask directly but had a conversation about being worried about rising costs, and seemed to be happy to accept the full cost of fees at first (though now you’re saying you’ll only take 25%) would add to this.

You also mentioned that you caused your parents trouble in your teenage years while they were the perfect and much-praised child, and I wonder if this is playing into it. Did your sibling feel that they had to be perfect so your parents didn’t have to deal with two difficult children?

And now they have been the ‘perfect adult child’ and been independent, not accepting money apart from the house deposit, unable to have more than one child (did your parents ever offer money for IVF?), and there you are with three children asking for money because you didn’t plan ahead for three sets of school fees. I’d feel resentful in their shoes.

To each according to his needs. Sometimes the circumstances of adult children are so different it is impossible to treat them the same. DH and I consider what we give for the grandchildren as gifts to the grandchildren rather than thinking of it as gifts to our children. One of our DCs has two children, the other has none so it’s difficult to treat our children equally as far as financial gifts are concerned.

I think people just have different morals and values, and also different personality characteristics.

People also develop a large part of their morals and values from their parents.

I think it's very likely that OP's parents instilled a "stand on your own two feet; don't rely on anyone" value into the sibling - sibling has strived to follow this, potentially making their life harder and is now miffed that the parents seem to have changed their mind for the other sibling, thereby making their life easier.

I find it odd that op is acting all baffled as to why this is an issue! It’s obviously massively unfair.

I would hate to have to accept parental support as an adult I would find it shaming. We borrowed £5k when building work overran and paid it back within 3 months.

I don’t understand the unfairness argument. The sibling has been offered exactly the same for their child and turned it down. It would only be unfair if it was never offered.

I think the bafflement is slightly faux. It should be plain from this thread that many people have different views of having regular handouts. Just as some think it's ok. Lots of good reasons and experiences have been given.

op in your eyes it’s about parents helping and fairness.

your sibling sees it differently - as siblings often do.

Someone like Philippa Perry would ask - what’s more important - the money or your relationship with your sibling? If you want to stay on good terms with them then you will have to try and see it from their pov

@Newgirls is very wise! In the end I had to shelve my sister's money grabbing behaviour, and have an inner mantra of 'it's the behaviour not the person I dislike'. It has helped me enormously. I say it again, money in families regularly causes huge upset, because of course we all have different views and lines in the sand

I suppose I am baffled because I believe parents have the right to offer help to their children if they freely decide to do so - and children have the right to accept help if it is freely given. The situation is not unfair because both siblings have always been offered exactly the same help.

Do you have children? If they wanted to buy a house for example, and you could easily afford to help them with a deposit, would you offer to do so?

And if they accepted, would you judge them or think that they should feel ashamed for having accepted the help? That’s what your post implies.

I think at this stage your sibling does have some deep rooted beliefs that I don't think you can change.

The fact the discussions are out in the open is good but it's your parents I feel sorry for as they are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

What they are offering for their grandchildren is a legacy that they get to see while they are here. To gift them an education and help set them up for the future and remain on an even level with their cousin.

The gift is to them. Not to you and I think your sibling trying to dress this up as manipulation says more about them than it does about you.

My DH is the sibling who stood on their own two feet and his brother was funded through Uni. He has no malice towards his brother or the children. It's very sad that your sibling feels this way.

Where do you work out they are being manipulative. They have been offered financial help many a time. Their parents want to help and have the means to do so. They can't take it with them.

Parents all over the country do this, I have a few young couples in our street, that definitely had financial help to buy the houses they are in. Why not do it when yiu are here and see your child and grandchildren benefit. All the parents that help with childcare. There are lots of ways parents help their children. Your sibling is being spiteful.

I find most of these posts baffling. Grandparent wanting to spend their money helping their kids/ grandkids do well in life seems to me the most natural thing in the world. It does seem maybe jealousy is the motive, I have a cousin who always wanted a big family and it didn’t happen for them but did for their sibling and they struggle to hide their bitterness over this and can’t bring themselves to really celebrate milestones of their nieces and nephews etc, maybe it’s a similar situation?

And it will only go to the taxman if they don’t spend it.

Yes this entirely. Gift the same amount of money to all siblings and let them spend it as they see fit. No further discussion or opinions necessary.

I think i am the „other sibling“(although i would never tell my parents what to do with their money, your sibling is still an a*hole for doing that). Your siblings intentions might be completely different, but i‘ll give you my reasons why i‘m not happy with my parents handing out money even if i received the same although - again - i would never say that out loud!

My brother has always been lazy. In school, studying, working. Always scraped by with minimal effort and proud of it. It‘s almost an art. He bragged about never getting up before 10am while at uni and at his birthday party in his last year at uni i spoke to a roommate who complained about my brother always leaving dirty dishes in the sink and the roommate was really surprised that my brother was actually finishing uni that year(albeit delayed) because he did nothing but gaming, drinking and sleeping according to roommate.

Now my brother has a kid and i thought „hah! Live of party is over“. Nope, his wife gets up early and is a SAHM with 2 kids according to her(one being my brother) and he took an entire year of paternal leave. They live in my late aunts house (inherited by my dad) rent free and my parents provide almost daily free childcare.
Yeah, i‘m jealous/spiteful. My brother was also never very kind to me growing up. BUT i would never intervene! It‘s his/their choice.
So ask yourself OP, are you the lazy sibling?

Hhmm so the parents don't want one of their DC to be treated differently from the others, but don't see why it's a problem that the grandparents' other dgc was treated differently?

I'm the sibling who has chosen to have three children, my sibling has chosen to have none. I wouldn't want to take money from my parents in this way - private school isn't a necessity - and I think if you have 3 children (as I do) and can't afford to send them all to private school (I cannot) then you don't send any of them in the first place.

I will absolutely help my kids with financial gifts. Their future financial security is our biggest motivation and we hope to help with house deposits etc

However

I would not be impressed if my adult child started dropping hints about rising school fees, having made the choice to put their 3 children in a private school that they knew from the start would become increasingly expensive over the years. I would feel as though the plan all along had been to guilt trip me into paying because "they're doing so well and we don't want to move them now" 🙄

If my sibling was doing this to my parents, I'd be similarly unimpressed.

This isn't sibling equality it's for the grandchildren who have a separate relationship with their grandparents. Why was the sibling even told? I'd accept and not discuss it frightens with sibling.

@Autienotnaughtie but they didn't pay for their other grandchild's private schooling (the sibling's DC).

True perhaps the equivalent could be given to the cousin