If your parents offered to pay for school fees…

[Grosshesselohe]

How do/did your adult siblings feel about this?

I’m talking about a situation where the parents are very comfortable financially and their adult children are employed in good professional jobs - but might struggle to pay school fees without some help.

In this situation, the sibling does not have school age children & does not want to be given the equivalent amount of £ to make things even.

They simply disagree with the parents helping at all and are now insinuating that they are being manipulated in some way.

AIBU to think the sibling should mind their own business?

It's a lot of money; I would be concerned (with rising prices) that my parents had enough for their end-of-life care. I'm getting very concerned for my parents, who're well enough off. That is what your sibling means about standing on your own two feet - doing what you can afford. And it does feel a little manipulative, of course. Your parents are going to try to help you.

It sounds like it's part of their belief system. A principle for them.

Does the sibling have other black/white opinions on things?

Eg "I've never needed benefits so no one should"

"I went to work when I was ill so she should"

Yes, they have very strong political views too

Will the sibling be turning down any inheritance in order to stand on their own two feet?

I do think it would be different if it was just to get the one in y10 through GCSEs. The thought of relying on my parents for 7 years of fees would make me a little sick with guilt and worry tbh unless it really was a drop in the ocean

Unlikely!

Clearly the sibling with the private school fees that she can’t afford!

Maybe it's the fact that the grandparents are paying the whole whack of school fees. Your child is starting secondary education and you are planning on paying zero.

If, for example, you were struggling to pay the addition of VAT and they paid the extra 20% then I think that would seem reasonable. Paying the entire 100% for not just one but three children, does seem unreasonable.

Surely the sibling is going to wonder what you are going to do with all the money you have been paying to date in the future, why are you not still putting what you can afford towards your own children's school fees? If you would have found a way to pay the fees had your parents not been in a position to pay, then I agree you have manipulated them, especially when saying their grandchildren would miss their friends etc. Your choices made possible by someone else's wallet.

Not a drop in the ocean, but it won’t be missed. The DGPs are suggesting paying for the full fees, it’s not needed - a contribution of 25% would have been great.

The gratitude and relief have been sullied completely by siblings reaction

Out of interest, when you asked your parents to pay the school fees, did they say ‘yes of course and we’ll give your sister the same amount too’, or did the same amount to sibling come later?

I just can’t understand people who choose to put 3 children through private school with uncertain finances. Surely you’d have known years ago that fees would go up over time. Was it always your plan to just assume your parents would pay?

I can see how the sibling would be annoyed by it. If the GPs were just taking a little of the strain it wouldn't be so bad but them paying all of the fees seems excessive. I can see why they said it was manipulative TBH.

Why don't the GPs give the equivalent money to the siblings child. They could then use the money to help get on the property ladder.

Another option would be for the GPs to even things up with the other grandchild in their wills. I'd suggest this to the GP and I'd suggest they don't even ask the aggrieved sibling. That way all the grandkids will have been treated evenly. You would have to index link the amount or something.

Me either. No forward thinking at all.

You’ve played a blinder there with your parents though OP, I can almost hear the conversation, with just enough hand wringing and sighing about how expensive and difficult it’s all getting, and how sad the DC would be about having to change schools.

I can see why the sibling would be p’d off.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I think you said that your sibling’s only child went to private school too but they could well afford it. How do you know that for sure?

Sorry but I would be p’d off if my parents said they were going to pay for my sibling’s 3 children to be put through private school

It’s a struggle. I imagine a lot of people feel like this which is why I was interested in views from others in a similar boat.

The offer of help with fees has always been there - for both siblings - until recently it has always been declined because not needed.

Op Not a drop in the ocean, but it won’t be missed. The DGPs are suggesting paying for the full fees, it’s not needed - a contribution of 25% would have been great

Did you agree to them paying the full amount though?

You chose to have 3 DC. You chose to educate them privately. You can’t afford the lifestyle you’re living so you’ve gone begging to your parents. I’d be embarrassed.

I think this is quite telling, actually - rather than just making a contribution, they have offered to pay the full amount. That looks very much like favouritism.

It also seems that you are struggling due to the general cost of living increases, rather than dealing with an emergency situation such as you or your partner being made redundant, or ill-health meaning you can’t work, which indicates a lack of forward planning on your part as you didn’t budget for increased costs. Were you subconsciously thinking that your parents would bail you out if you were struggling?

I agree with the previous posts who said that the offer of money now could be seen as too late. Your sibling might have made sacrifices to pay their child’s school fees at the time, and now they could be wondering why they didn’t get an offer of help. Likewise you mention that they struggled to conceive a second child - did your parents ever think to offer money for IVF, for example. Have they offered money for a house deposit for the older grandchild that is equivalent to the fees costs?

I am not surprised the sibling is resentful. And I agree that there’s quite a difference between getting help when you are starting out in life, like a house deposit, and expecting your parents to support you when you’re older. I’d be ashamed to think I couldn’t stand on my own two feet once I was in my 30s or 40s, barring emergency type situations.

I'm like the sibling and my sister is like the money grabbing child in this scenario. My opinion is if you can't afford £64.000 school fees your children should go to state school. I want my parents to enjoy their money and have holidays, nice meals, whatever. I graciously would accept the odd contribution toward something for DC or a family holiday taken with parents, and when younger I was very grateful for help with university fees, but wouldn't let them pay that much when my sister's children hadn't received the same. My sister sees my parents as walking bags of money and has no qualms about asking for expensive things or accepting said things after heavy hinting.

My in laws pay university fees for their grandchildren, the siblings don't all have children, the view is it's the grandparents money, they've earnt it and can spend it on what they wish.
Better to use it like this than end up having to use it to pay care home fees later on!

In that case you should put aside the 75% of fees that is not really needed for them to pay just in case later in life they struggle and give at least that back. Just because today ‘won’t be missed’ doesn’t mean somewhere down the line they won’t need it.

My parents wouldn't be able to help in this manner but if they were I wouldn't be bothered if this was how they chose to spend their money. One of my siblings children attends private school, another has university aged children (state school) and my own DC goes to state school.

However, I admit I would be a little disappointed in my sibling with the privately educated child if they pleaded poverty (I'm not saying you are just that it might be how it's perceived to your sibling) in order to be offered help for the school fees as I know my sibling has spent money on other luxuries through the last couple of years (expensive holidays/clothes, etc). Whereas, if I knew my sibling was on the bare bones of their arse due to job loss or something unexpected and still trying to pay for school fees, I'd offer to help them myself never mind my parents (who would absolutely help if they could), especially as I know they went into private school knowing exactly how much it would cost and stuck to one child to allow them to afford that lifestyle. I'd assume any inability to pay was unforeseen and out of their control.

I guess what I'm (terribly) trying to say is that I wonder if the sibling has always thought the 3 DC at private school was unsustainable so has been waiting for the day that GPs would be asked to contribute and now it's a case of "I knew it" so the judgement has been building for years before this event, if that makes even the slightest bit of sense haha.

If the parents can afford it, it's their money to do as they please.

They should be happy the parents even consulted them/offered them the equivalent! Tired of so called 'grown-up adult dependents' trying to control their parents' money.

Well they're not wrong if they've stood on their own two feet but you've gone cap in hand to mum and dad as a grown adult are they.

Take the money. Tell the other sibling to pound sand. The parents/grandparents are offering an equal sized gift to both kids. You can't help it that they are spiteful and wanting their nieces/nephews to suffer. Let them stand on their own principles of not accepting help, but they can't force you not to accept for the sake of "fairness." 🙄