Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

She had her own flat but he made her sell it. A few years ago. It was supposed to her/their pension fund. She has since found out that he bought a flat in his own name.

This sounds incredibly dodgy. How an earth did it happen? Probably also not a priority but if she can find as much documentary/ paper evidence of this or put her own recollection down on paper it might give her a bit of bargaining power with him- so she could threaten to take legal advice or even go to the police (even if she doesn’t it might encourage him to be a bit more reasonable on other stuff).

I don't understand the points about the mortgage. There are payments made but at some stage he overpaid but had just gone back to the regular payments is what seems to have happened. That would not be financial abuse.

As an unmarried couple he is allowed to have separate savings so even secretly buying a flat isn't abuse.

If they had a joint account which she could use then that isn't financial abuse either.

The fact that as an unmarried person she didn't ever seek to protect her own position is of course very sad and unfortunate.

She would be very badly advised to seek to prevent the sale of the house where she can't afford to take over a mortgage and would indeed end up spending ££££ on legal costs (to end up losing anyway).

I would say apply to CMS ASAP but I note in a later post that OP says he is self employed. I very much suspect if he has been planning his exit then his self employed earnings may very well be set up in a way so as to minimise how much he would have to pay. Hopefully OP's sister may have access to last tax returns to back up a claim that he is hiding income?

To be honest, she cannot afford the mortgage payments. He was paying for them, and now apparently, he is refusing.

If they have joint ownership it is both their responsibility, so he cannot just bail out. He has to sustain his payments until the house is sold. If mortgage payments are not made, the baliff will be chasing BOTH of them, not just who is living in the house. I would make this very clear to him - if mortgage isnt paid and his credit score is affected, this will impact his future (narcissists like this only listen when it impacts them unfortunately).

I personally wouldnt be staying in the house. I would be applying for a council house ASAP to get myself on the waiting list for the inevitable time when payments aren't made or utilities are switched off.

She needs to apply TODAY for UC if she hasn't already done so, as it can take a while to be paid. If she is unwell and cannot work, she needs a GP note to support this, so she needs an appointment with her doctor ASAP. This will also mean her kids get free school meals which will be another financial burden crossed off.

Next step to do TODAY is apply for CMS for the kids. Depending on his income, this can be a sizeable amount. Again, this can take many weeks to be paid, but she will be entitled to the arrears of the weeks spent waiting.

She needs to contact Womens Aid who can help her in terms of the financial abuse and provide free advice and support in regards to housing, money etc. I believe they or the GP can also refer to a food bank etc so at least her and the kids are getting fed. Too Good To Go bags are brilliant also, and cost a couple of quid - if you are able, you can pick these up daily and leave them in with your friend. Theres usually enough in them to feed a family for at least one meal.

Long term, once she has healed, she should be looking for ways to support herself and her children. This will mean finding a job. She doesnt want to leave this too late. I would say a few months to grieve and heal, then on to job searching. A part time job to start will help to transition her back into everyday life.

She sounds like she is really struggling. I would ensure she has the Samaritans and Lifeline numbers to hand who provide really great counselling services for free on the phone.

If this was my sibling, I would rally my parents, other siblings and good friends and close relatives in a group, and support my sibling in need.

I would get the money together to take that absolute horrible f*cking arse hole of a man to the cleaners, and make his life a misery. He’s a bully. I’d make sure his new life was filled with stress and hassle.

Someone needs to take her to the GP and get her some meds to be able to cope.

Someone needs to help her find out what she’s eligible for, what her rights are, how she can make sure she gets her share of the house. She needs a good solicitor. She can pay back any money lent from family from her share if they can rally this together.

She needs to apply for any child benefit, universal credit, CMS immediately.

She needs to keep evidence of abuse, leaving the DC without seeing him for a while etc.

Tell everyone - friends and his family, what he’s done and said so both he and the OW start their relationship off on the wrong foot and are not welcome. Serves them right.

Message her exp and tell him that she has fallen apart, the house is dirty and horrible and cold and won't sell for a good price. Tell him she has no money and isn't paying the mortgage or the heating. Try to persuade him to send her some money that will buy her some time to grieve her relationship and at least feed the kids and keep the heating on.

This is well intentioned, but don't do it. Don't try to appeal to his better nature. He hasn't got one and he will just weaponise this, and probably do the exact opposite just to prove you can't control him. She needs solutions that don't rely on any goodwill or assistance from him because there won't be any. He's been financially abusing her for years and he knew exactly what would happen when he did this. He doesn't care, don't expect him to start now.

What a terrible situation. Oh I wish women would protect themselves from these POS men.

Child benefit is going to his account currently, she just texted him to say she would like it sent to her account as she is looking after the dc 100% of the time, and he just told her to get stuffed he is already paying enough. And additionally he has extended his stay and won’t be back until just before Easter, when he expects to see his dc and take them to his mothers.

Mortgage wise it sounds like she knew their payments were say, 900 p/m. They reduced their mortgage using the chunk from her flat (bought prior to their relationship? How?) and the payments went down to 400 p/m. But he didn't tell her that, and used the 'spare' 500 to put towards his own flat.

As horrendous as this situation is , it isn't unique and there are functions in place for families that are homeless and penniless.

There's women's refuge places, emergency council accommodation etc.

UC will kick in, as will child support.

The major problem it appears is yours sisters paralysis over the situation. Get her to the GP and on meds to start functioning if necessary. She has a responsibility to the kids. Their father has abandoned them , they now need their mother to show the strength she may not be feeling.

They also need to start cleaning and cooking. Even a five year old know a pet needs feeding. Children aged 13 - 19 can do a huge array of domestic tasks, I'd be on at them to step up.

Slowly she needs to get a job or at least show the job centre she is looking. If she is incapable of work this needs to be made official somehow by the GP.

I hope if there are any women out there reading this who are also not working and totally financially reliant on a man, that they now see how it can all fall apart. Don't think it will never happen to you.

a job may be just what she needs, take her mind of it, give her a different focus, new people to meet, a reason to get up in the mornings, etc.

It's really hard when this happens but dwelling on it in an empty house all day isn't the answer. A visit to the GP to get anti-depressants and a referral for counselling is the first port of call alongside making the UC claim and a call to the CMS. Once the money situation is sorted, she knows where she's at. Once the anti-depressants kick in and she knows what's happening financially, she'll be in a better place to look for a job.

To the ex partner, he needs reminding that if he doesn't pay bills that are in his name and/or he doesn't pay the mortgage, his credit rating will be affected, rendering the 'moving on' part far more complex in the very near future.

* I would get the money together to take that absolute horrible fcking arse hole of a man to the cleaners, and make his life a misery. He’s a bully. I’d make sure his new life was filled with stress and hassle*

This is revenge fantasy turf. The reality is this is difficult to do and sustain.

Presumably she’s an adult with Internet access. Why isn’t she sorting all this out herself? Yes it’s awful, but life doesn’t stop just because something bad happens. Maybe if she hadn’t been such a passenger enjoying the easy ride she wouldn’t be in this shit. Time to adult up.

She needs to contact Child Benefit ASAP & make it clear that all the children reside with her not with him & that it should be paid directly to her.

Child benefit also gives Class 3 pension credits, so it should ALWAYS have been going to her.

pensions credit for under 12, so she has lost 12 years minimum of pensions credits she should have had.

She needs to keep these messages as evidence of his financial abuse. She needs to contact the relevant people with this evidence to try and switch the benefit to her name.

As for the Easter break? I again, would be keeping any messages of abuse and telling him that no, he cannot see his children until there has been an agreed upon childcare arrangement in writing from his solicitor (she can then use Citizens Advice to go through the agreement that is sent). My fear would be, he takes the kids and doesnt bring them back and will try to claim she is unfit to look after them.

He has planned this for a while, you know this from what you have said already, whilst your sister has been blindsided.

As other have said she need to see the GP, she has children and she does not have the luxury of falling apart.

I have been through this myself and the pain is bloody overwhelming, but with all respect she needs to choke it down and make sure her children are OK.

@Newchapterbeckons

She may have to contact the government agency who issues this. It sounds horrendous for her

I would get the money together to take that absolute horrible fcking arse hole of a man to the cleaners, and make his life a misery. He’s a bully. I’d make sure his new life was filled with stress and hassle.*

They’re not married. There’s no cleaners to take him to. This is also extremely outdated even if you are married; courts prefer to divide as fairly as possible with clean breaks now

Realistically he’s not going to care what his ex-wife does; he’s off. She would be best advised to sell up, get her half and be financially independent at last, and move on and up herself.

Sorry about the advice to appeal to his better nature - from your updates he clearly doesn't have one and it looks like this has been planned for some time.

I'm really sorry for you and for your sister.

Nothing practical but what a weapons-grade top level insufferable psychopathic fucking bastard he is.
One thought - she will, eventually, be angry and that's good in this situation, it's evidence of her healing and finding her energy to fight him. She will find it very hard though. So please encourage her in any way you can to be angry and to feel ok about being angry.
God love her she's worth a bazillion of him, what a piece of dirt he is.
Best of luck OP to you and her and the dc. I hope she gets through this ok.

She is literally paralysed. I can’t explain it. What is bothering me, and I haven’t noticed this before, because they were seemingly happy and together is that is seems helpless.
She has no access to paperwork. No idea how much he earns. No idea of how much equity is in the house. She doesn’t seem to have the first idea about any of it. He said it was his domain, and with four kids she has always been permanently exhausted, and let him sort this side out. Had she listened to us, and got married this would be so much easier.

For a useful and clear understanding of likely benefit entitlement, try the turn2us website. Bear in mind any payable benefits only start from the date of claim so it really is urgent that she makes a claim, no matter what state she’s in. It is done online and you can help her (once you get all the information you need)
The staff at the Jobcentre have a lot of experience dealing with this kind of situation and know your sister will need support and advice from her allocated work coach.
Again, do not delay making a claim, it’s nearly impossible to get anything backdated so this is urgent.

Oh gosh OP I am so sorry for you and your sister, I can’t imagine the level of stress. If the child benefit has been paid to him then presumably your sister hasn’t been building up pension credits? You can check this online.

Thank you for your replies. Honestly your support has been a lifeline.
He has just texted me to say this is not his fault, she has severe mental health issues and he couldn’t take it anymore! Well she does now, thanks to him. So that is going to be his line ‘Mummy is illl’
she WAS completely fine before this bombshell.

So are the pension credits attached to child benefit? I am amazed he has been just this calculating and literally screwed her over in every way possible.

She is literally paralysed. I can’t explain it. What is bothering me, and I haven’t noticed this before, because they were seemingly happy and together is that is seems helpless.
She has no access to paperwork. No idea how much he earns. No idea of how much equity is in the house. She doesn’t seem to have the first idea about any of it. He said it was his domain, and with four kids she has always been permanently exhausted, and let him sort this side out. Had she listened to us, and got married this would be so much easier.

Has she always been like this? He sounds like a complete arsehole, but conversely, having a partner who just opts out of things and leaves it all to someone else, isn’t ideal either.

Her story really is a warning to people who aren’t married, without their own income, and in blissful ignorance of finances.

She is lucky to have you helping, good luck with all the advice given.

Does she have bank statements? It will be on there who the mortgage is being paid to- a monthly DD to NatWest or similar. If her name is on the mortgage she should be able to phone them and ask them to send HER an up to date statement of how much is owed on the house. If she’s not got any statements at all then it will be on the land registry and you can apply for a copy of the land registry for the house online- it will show the mortgage company in the charges register.

Realistically, if she is paralysed someone else is probably going to need to do quite a lot of this for her as even if the meds work it might take some time. Are there any other family members who can help? What about the kids- they are old enough to help too, with the house stuff and the admin, and I assume the one at uni might be on Easter break soon-ish. Could you ask your work for a few days of carers leave to get some of this sorted?