Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

A visit to her GP would get her a sick note, and also she could ask for a referral to a food bank as she has no income at present, but needs to feed her family.

As the dc are under 18 would they force a sale in court? She seems stricken to lose their home.

You have to claim UC online. No use going to the jobcentre.

If your sister hasn't eaten or slept in 3 weeks then that's why she's unstable and suicidal (using the words you used). She really needs to see a Dr and perhaps you could take her. This mustn't be nice for her children to see.

You could also help her create a basic CV and help her apply for jobs. However, she needs to see a Dr first.

She seems barely aware of the children.

She needs to see a Dr or psychologist. Could you temporarily look after the younger children?

Deleted as RTFT

Of course they would. The idea that you get to stay in the home til the children are 18 is a myth.

Don't look for ways to play silly buggers and delay. Get the house sold ASAP, she gets her share of the equity, she then has a good base to start building back up. If she arses about trying to block the sale she'll be the one left with a hefty legal bill and even less money left after it's all eventually done whenever that may be.

I'm sorry to be harsh but the temptation to get one over her ex, even though understandable, will just screw her over in the long run.

Even though the kids are under 18 yes they can force a sale. She really doesn't want to get to this stage as it will cost her a fortune in legal fees.

Get her signed on for UC as it can take 6 weeks for the money to come through. Is he currently paying the bills or has he stopped ? She needs to do a CMS claim for the kids in school. Has she got the child benefit ?

Get her to the doctors if you can for a sick note / meds to get through this.

And yes she definitely needs to see a doctor as a matter of urgency.

Then I hope social services are involved for the younger ones

Ok. First things first.

1. Urgent GP appointment. She needs assessment/help and a sick note.

1. Universal credit claim. She needs an income pronto and doesn't sound like she is in a fit state for work. She won't get a housing element but at this stage she doesn't need that anyway.

1. Sit down and discuss day-to-day arrangements. Who is doing what? There are children in this mix and family need to support her to establish a routine for everyone's benefit where people get fed etc . Family may need to step up on the short term while she's so inconsolable.

1. Longer term planning. A job (or training) is going to be necessary. She has some time to sort this out if she can survive on UC for food etc. It will take a few months for the house sale to go through. I highly doubt STBXH will renege on the mortgage (sounds like he was paying it all anyway if she didn't earn) since the damage this would do to his credit rating and subsequent lifestyle will be profound. If the utilities are in his name also, same may apply to those until he tells suppliers he has moved out, by which time hopefully your DSis will have some UC income coming in anyway. She may need help to learn about budgeting if she's been financially abused though.

1. Put her in touch with organisations like Women's Aid. There is help and advice out there for women having to start again after leaving relationships where they acquired a learned helplessness as a result of being controlled. Not only will she pick up practical help but being able to realise she's not alone can help very supportive and speed her recovery.

Good luck!

GP in the first instance to establish mental health struggles. Women’s Aid to establish financial abuse (and unlikely it was confined to financial), then apply for universal credit online. Go on the Turn2Us calculator website. If abuse is involved, you may find she is then actually entitled to legal aid. If the GP signs her off she will have time to get on her feet before being expected to work.

Apply to CMS as soon as possible, child maintenance isn’t counted as income for benefits purposes. You just need his NI number, I wouldn’t engage with him directly, I doubt he’ll be reasonable. He is still legally liable if it’s only him down on the mortgage, and he’s liable for child maintenance so get it all done officially.

I’m so sorry, what a horrid situation. I agree with the advice above. Regarding pensions, has your sister been in receipt of child benefit? I think that’s one way of protecting any national insurance contributions for state pension, so that might help go towards the contributions needed

As others have said. UC on line first. They will then make an appointment to see her. She can ask for an advance which will be a loan to get through next 5 weeks

GP appointment. Antidepressants will help her cope. And ask for a sick note. UC will need this so for a time she won't be expected to look for work

Child benefit. Is it in her name. Which account is it going into

Bank account does your sister have an account just her name

Council tax apply for reduction

CMS. Do this today.

Food bank vouchers can be requested from GP

Seek out some low cost counselling. I found a charity that did me 8 sessions at £10 each.

The house will be sold. She can fight it but that is just going to cost her in court cost/legal fees.

If she's struggling that much and is suicidal, then the first thing is to get her medical help - via an urgent GP appointment or if she is feeling actively suicidal/has taken any actions then a&e. Everything else can be dealt with next/along side - support for the teenagers and the UC claim.

There are some very unfeeling responses on here.
They might be factually correct but jeez the delivery is uncalled for.@Newchapterbeckons you sound like a fantastic person and I'm glad you've gleaned some pointers from the thread.

This is not the main point I know but I’ve seized upon the ‘no pension’ thing. That’s disgusting and really financially abusive! My DH will pay my pension if I give up work to look after kids.

Im wondering if it’s possible to retrospectively pay NI contributions to get your sister’s pension up? Maybe she can use a whack of money from the house sale to do this? Also, she could potentially put a lump into a personal private pension (I think they’re called SIPPs).

I know she’ll need money for umpteen things but I wanted to stress to plan pensions into her future planning. As a rough guide; you need £250000 in a private pension to get £10k a year privately in retirement and you need 35 years NI contributions to get £10k a year from the government. I’d say that’s the minimum people should aim for.

I am wishing you and your sister all the best. Maybe you moving in could be good for a bit. As a PP said, do not let STBXH know any of your sister’s problems right now or it could be used against your sister in custody battles.

Forgot to add that she should definitely put in a child maintenance claim (but treat it as a bonus and plan for it not materialising).

I'd get further legal advice over the house since IANAL but personally I would not advise obstructing the sale. Whatever delay she gets with that is only prolonging the inevitable. Selling may be more disruptive in the short term but will speed her on her way to establishing a new life free from his control and with some money to help her.

Is she claiming child benefit? If she hadn’t been claiming because of his earnings, she could now claim and if it needs to be paid back he can.

It deems be planned this perfectly. She had her own flat but he made her sell it. A few years ago. It was supposed to her/their pension fund. She has since found out that he bought a flat in his own name. Moved all of the money out of the joint acc which was used for food etc. it seems she has been financially abused but it’s going to be hard to prove. He actively stopped her getting a job, as his work is so demanding.

She can claim universal credit for herself and children plus council tax reduction if still in house and he has left. If she is in a state should get a line from doctor due to anxiety until stable enough to job hunt. Make sure child benefit in her name. Equity in house disregarded when she is living in it indefinitely and if its on the market will be disregarded for upto 26 weeks. Child maintenance disregarded on UC.

Can I just check one last thing. If she is on the mortgage documents ( which she is definitely as we checked) is she definitely entitled to half? The proceeds of her own flat went into the house, but she hasn’t made any mortgage payments?
It seems once her flat proceeds were used, he reduced the payments or moved money from elsewhere and bought another property in just his name. This is honestly horrendous, and just getting worse.

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You need to check if she's on the deeds. Those are what determine ownership.

Names on deeds and mortgage can be different, although they are usually the same.