Page 6 | Affair and left penniless

Newchapterbeckons · 2024-02-27T08:56:54+00:00

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman. They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19. He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that? We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her? She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour. For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

kcchiefette · 27/02/2024 10:45

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 10:38

She is literally paralysed. I can’t explain it. What is bothering me, and I haven’t noticed this before, because they were seemingly happy and together is that is seems helpless.
She has no access to paperwork. No idea how much he earns. No idea of how much equity is in the house. She doesn’t seem to have the first idea about any of it. He said it was his domain, and with four kids she has always been permanently exhausted, and let him sort this side out. Had she listened to us, and got married this would be so much easier.

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I'm not an expert in law etc but if the house is jointly owned, I am pretty sure she is within her rights to request the paperwork from him in regards to property.

Once she is in receipt of UC, it will make solicitors etc easier as she may be entitled to free representation for anything that she needs in the future.

He is self employed but CMS request numerous documents, bank statements etc to calculate so he cannot hide his income, and if he does, he can be in big trouble with the law.

Hopingforno2in2024 · 27/02/2024 10:46

So if someone is claiming child benefit for a child under 12 they receive full state pension credit. So even though I am a SAHM I am still building up my state pension as the child benefit is in my name. My understanding is that only the person claiming gets the credits though, not both parents. So there is a risk here that she has no work, private or state pension :(

Dogdilemma2000 · 27/02/2024 10:48

Clarebelle878 · 27/02/2024 09:45

I’m so sorry, what a horrid situation. I agree with the advice above. Regarding pensions, has your sister been in receipt of child benefit? I think that’s one way of protecting any national insurance contributions for state pension, so that might help go towards the contributions needed

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You can also back pay state pension to an extent, for a limited time - something to look at when it’s all calmed down

Original poster

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 10:49

Heronwatcher · 27/02/2024 10:44

Does she have bank statements? It will be on there who the mortgage is being paid to- a monthly DD to NatWest or similar. If her name is on the mortgage she should be able to phone them and ask them to send HER an up to date statement of how much is owed on the house. If she’s not got any statements at all then it will be on the land registry and you can apply for a copy of the land registry for the house online- it will show the mortgage company in the charges register.

Realistically, if she is paralysed someone else is probably going to need to do quite a lot of this for her as even if the meds work it might take some time. Are there any other family members who can help? What about the kids- they are old enough to help too, with the house stuff and the admin, and I assume the one at uni might be on Easter break soon-ish. Could you ask your work for a few days of carers leave to get some of this sorted?

We can’t find any statements and all accounts are password protected. So she doesn’t have access to them currently.

She looks shellshocked, literally barely functioning. She can only talk about the other woman and his betrayal and barely paying attention to the practicalities. I can’t even keep her on the subject. She is scarily incapable in the face of this.

We are doing the application, and we have a doctors appointment now.

It seems she thinks he is coming back, he isn’t.

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Starseeking · 27/02/2024 10:50

Such a horrendous situation, I really feel for your sister.

Having said that, she does need to be encouraged to get a job, any job, asap so she can start putting food on the table for her DC. Working will also give her a focus away from dwelling on this awful behaviour of her DP.

What a disgusting wicked person he is.

cestlavielife · 27/02/2024 10:50

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 09:12

It’s a nightmare. She seems very unstable and I am so worried about her.

She needs a fit to work ie sick note from gp for UC to say she cannot work right now when she submits
You can go to her and help her apply online fir UC
If she has no savings to her name she can claim
Does she get the child benefit paid to her?
Why did she never work if kids now teenagers?

But her kids are teenagers so unless disabilities she can in future work
She needs to get strong
See a therapist
and get what she entitled to and eventually move on

CantFindTheBeat · 27/02/2024 10:50

OP,

what an awful situation, I'm so sorry.

In terms of house sale etc, it may have to be sold but it doesn't have to be TODAY.

as joint owner, your sister has a right to choose an agent, a valuation, a fee etc, and nothing here has to happen immediately, though her ex may want it to.

In terms of re-possession - again, that won't happen overnight. A series of a missed payments and a process has to follow.

It sounds like your sister doesn't have a much of a credit rating to affect, but her ex does. It could be unlikely that he would actually stop payments and risk repossession if he needs financial interest elsewhere.

Dogdilemma2000 · 27/02/2024 10:50

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 10:42

Thank you for your replies. Honestly your support has been a lifeline.
He has just texted me to say this is not his fault, she has severe mental health issues and he couldn’t take it anymore! Well she does now, thanks to him. So that is going to be his line ‘Mummy is illl’
she WAS completely fine before this bombshell.

Funny how people in abusive relationships end up with mental health issues. He’s a jerk.

This will set her free - she’s just got to work through the crap first.

NonPlayerCharacter · 27/02/2024 10:51

MississippiAF · 27/02/2024 10:44

She is literally paralysed. I can’t explain it. What is bothering me, and I haven’t noticed this before, because they were seemingly happy and together is that is seems helpless.
She has no access to paperwork. No idea how much he earns. No idea of how much equity is in the house. She doesn’t seem to have the first idea about any of it. He said it was his domain, and with four kids she has always been permanently exhausted, and let him sort this side out. Had she listened to us, and got married this would be so much easier.

Has she always been like this? He sounds like a complete arsehole, but conversely, having a partner who just opts out of things and leaves it all to someone else, isn’t ideal either.

Her story really is a warning to people who aren’t married, without their own income, and in blissful ignorance of finances.

She is lucky to have you helping, good luck with all the advice given.

having a partner who just opts out of things and leaves it all to someone else, isn’t ideal either.

I wonder how involved he was with his kids and the general everyday shitwork. Tell us and amaze us, OP!

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 27/02/2024 10:53

Of course he's self employed too so won't declare his actual earnings for child maintenance because he'll be dodging tax through loopholes no doubt.

What an absolute ass hat.

WandaWonder · 27/02/2024 10:53

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 10:42

Thank you for your replies. Honestly your support has been a lifeline.
He has just texted me to say this is not his fault, she has severe mental health issues and he couldn’t take it anymore! Well she does now, thanks to him. So that is going to be his line ‘Mummy is illl’
she WAS completely fine before this bombshell.

No matter what people think of him you were not in their marriage you don't know what either of them were like to be married too, how can she have been completely fine if she had no idea what was going on

All this is your take on it, and there and there has been hardly any mention of what the children are going through, she may be having a hard time but it is selfish not to care for the children unless they will live with him if she can't look after them?

TheBayLady · 27/02/2024 10:53

She needs to get back to the house, claim CM and UC. Then tomorrow she needs to look for a job. She has to allow the estate gent in to take photos but she doesn't need to make the house look lovely ! She needs to make sure it takes a long time to sell it.

Original poster

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 10:54

I always worried about this - years ago when dc were born, we all stressed she should get married when she gave up a good job to stay at home.
He was such a decent man we had all known for years, from a lovely family and we all trusted him, loved him as part of our family. It’s quite unimaginable he has done this to her, but he has, he has been planning his exit for years I think.

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cestlavielife · 27/02/2024 10:55

Does she have her own bank account?
She can request paperwork for mortgage from bank if her name is on it
She can take her passport and proof of address to the bank and ask for statement
Deeds are.only a Few pounds go to land registry site and order them
That will show who is listed as owner
If joint or in common
She does not need his permission to do that

Elleherd · 27/02/2024 10:55

Others may have better experience here, but my suggestion would be getting her to Dr for help, but not asking for a sick certificate right now. She is going to potentially need one later if she isn't in a position to job hunt then. How many certs/how long for, may mean don't waste one before she's been processed.

He is saying she has severe MH probs, so she needs to get help, but sadly also bear in mind what he is claiming going forward. He may have correctly predicted her inability to cope.

Another tip is look locally for a non Trussel Trust food bank (ie not limited to three parcels or whatever it is)

Organise the kids to sort out the cat as a minimum.

Suchagroovyguy · 27/02/2024 10:59

I am utterly horrified that he has done this, but mainly to his kids.

I hope he burns.

OdinsHorse · 27/02/2024 10:59

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 27/02/2024 09:17

This is a woman who may very well be suicidal. Her mental health is in the toilet. It’s not a case of dust yourself off and get a job.

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Shes not really got much of a choice though. Yes it's utterly shit, but sadly we don't live in a sympathetic world, she needs to get a job.

If her youngest is 13, then she's less limited than if she had a baby

Original poster

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 11:00

We are going to take the cat and Guinea pig home, as I don’t want her to worry about them atm. I can fill the freezer. Already batch cooking now. I am giving her some emergency money in cash for things like petrol etc . Dh is coming over to talk through her finances. As he is at least qualified. I am just realising how tremendously vulnerable it is to give away a career when having dc. I always thought she was the lucky one to stay at home, cooking and growing her organic vegetables from seeds. I am so devastated for her.

OP posts:

NonPlayerCharacter · 27/02/2024 11:01

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 11:00

We are going to take the cat and Guinea pig home, as I don’t want her to worry about them atm. I can fill the freezer. Already batch cooking now. I am giving her some emergency money in cash for things like petrol etc . Dh is coming over to talk through her finances. As he is at least qualified. I am just realising how tremendously vulnerable it is to give away a career when having dc. I always thought she was the lucky one to stay at home, cooking and growing her organic vegetables from seeds. I am so devastated for her.

Heartbreaking. Things are always fine until they aren't.

Original poster

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 11:01

Suchagroovyguy · 27/02/2024 10:59

I am utterly horrified that he has done this, but mainly to his kids.

I hope he burns.

His kids think he is amazing. They don’t seem to fully realise what he has done.

OP posts:

coldcallerbaiter · 27/02/2024 11:01

I just want to say that you are a fantastic sister x

Obeast · 27/02/2024 11:02

@WandaWonder there was no marriage. Hence all the issues.

Can the kids go to someone who can take care of them?

WandaWonder · 27/02/2024 11:03

Obeast · 27/02/2024 11:02

@WandaWonder there was no marriage. Hence all the issues.

Can the kids go to someone who can take care of them?

That was an error I meant relationship

Elleherd · 27/02/2024 11:03

It does sound like it would be a kindness to the kids to make school/s aware, the support they need at home to deal with Dad walking out isn't there, and it sounds like you're the only support for what's happening to their mum in front of them. How much you say is a thin line...
The 19 yr old may want to seek pastoral support, but that's something to suggest and leave them to decide about.

NonPlayerCharacter · 27/02/2024 11:04

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 11:01

His kids think he is amazing. They don’t seem to fully realise what he has done.

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Why do they think that? They're old enough to understand what's happened, how can they think this is justified? Even if he's unhappy and wants to exit the relationship, even if he's in love with someone else, even if they don't know the details of his financial doings, how can they see him leave their mother completely high and dry and think he's wonderful?

What's going on?