Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

Nobody cares about that. She's just found it all out - she's allowed to go mental for a little while. People do all sorts of crazy shit in divorce and separation. But the financial stuff he's done? That's calculated. That's different.

Obviously stop the messages though yes.

AE was the abusive one in that situation, that's the difference. She wasn't merely having a temporary reaction to a dreadful betrayal, she was an abuser.

1. make a CB claim. It will suspend his CB payments and as the children are with her she will be awarded it. Even if he contests it and it goes to tribunal (I doubt it would) she can prove she has the kids as he has messaged saying as much and the emails to the estate agents show he has left.

2. if she put funds in the house and he has removed them without her knowledge then this is fraud and she needs to go to the police.

3. seek advice from a better solicitor once you have the facts. Her capital investment after selling her flat could well equate to more than his mortgage contributions have and if he used this in order to reduce his payments knowing that he could buy another flat with them then this is financial abuse which is a crime.

4. she needs to get hold of the mortgage information. Go to the bank in person with ID and explain the situation and get access. If it’s not a high street bank then call up to do this.

5. contact womensaid.

i am so very sorry for your sister.

Maybe, there are always two sides - but if he ( or she) were genuinely unhappy, then conduct the split decently, including the kids.

Noone should be put through betrayal and financial deprivation.
Some relationships are miserable and need to end, but if that is the case do it properly.

I have considered this yes. Because she is in such a state. I don’t know why he had to leave for another woman though.. that’s on him. Surely if she was struggling he could have helped her/told us/any number of options. His behaviour since has been so disgraceful.

No you’re not allowed to go mental.
out of interest would you say same if he or OW we’re messaging her. Aww leave it, it ain’t worth it…allowed to go mental

This is good advice

I would second a PP's suggestion to contact Women's Aid. They were a massive support to my relative. She honestly wouldn't have got through it without them. Fantastic organisation.

But the point of this post is that, they are not married so it's a different situation - hence that she is not entitled to anything except 50% of the property as she put money into it and is on the deeds/mortgage and CM as they have 4 kids. Otherwise there's no legal obligation for the ex partner to pay her pension

Well you are a little bit. I have no doubt he is texting her some nasty shit.

But I agree stop now.

My point is her going mental for three weeks does not negate the years of potential fraud we are talking about if he's taken money out of the house without her knowledge when she sold her flat to put it in. It is understandable to have a few weeks of going hysterical and mildly catatonic before getting your shit together and returning to a more adult position.

The money went into their joint home, not the second property. He has siphoned off money toward that one. Arguably, he wouldn't have been able to afford to if the flat money hadn't been paid into the house. But, it was his money from his work that paid for it.

It’s a salutary warning do not give up work,don’t be a housewife, don’t be financially dependant

Having done all of those things I completely agree. More protection if married but still got the potential to turn into a complete shit show.

She can claim Universal credit now but would be expected to look for work asap. The equity/ capital in the house can be disregarded for up to 6 months whilst being sold, but if she receives more than 16k form the sale of the house then UC would end until it drops below 16k again. they should keep paying the mortgage to avoid repossession.

I don’t think it has to be all that but there does have to be some protections

• Marriage is certainly a good protection
• Fully transparent finances
• both to have equal savings as individuals that come out of the working spouse’s wages
• periodic financial reviews
• pension contributions to the non working spouse
• Fresh skill set (through volunteer work, periodic classes, pt job
• etc.

Really the opposite of jumping in, sticking your head in the sand, abdication of responsibility, and hoping for the best.

Eh… it’s still a relevant cautionary tale if that’s the case.

sorry meant to quote @llj

Depending on circumstance maybe she could speak to woman's aid for advice? If he is potentially going to leave her and children homeless and her in debt they might have some advice? I know they deal with domestic abuse cases but given the situation it doesn't feel far off in terms of financial control

I’m genuinely surprised that you don’t get at least 50% of all assets in a separation, married or not. I think you only need to live together for 2 years here in Aus to claim. So sorry for your sister OP. I think she should be getting half the house half the flat and half is business and superannuation at least.

So she did contribute to the family income for all of the time she was with him - the rent from HER flat.

my mum was very like this when my dad left (although he was generous with Mindy etc) when I was 16. It was horrible. She really needs to pull herself together now and start caring for her children. If this has been her priority for the last 20 years she needs to continue now - her children must be feeling terrible and very scared.

She could volunteer (maybe a library or school) for a few months if possible to get a reference and then look for a job.

Good luck

It’s an awful situation but what has he actually done wrong? He’s entitled to leave her. You’ve said he’s paying the mortgage and bills currently. If the friends are on the fence and he always seemed so lovely maybe there’s more to it?

Well said. She does this on many threads. Not a happy soul.

OP I am so sorry. This story is just so upsetting to read. How could he do this to his family. Well done for supporting her. What a nightmare. X

TBH I can see how after 20 years of working 70 hour weks, patience might be wearing thin for the "beautiful spirit". Although obviously he should be supporting his children.