Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

Not a lwayer - but she needs to see one and also make a claim under this legislation
What Is The Schedule 1 Children Act 1989? - Major Family Law

Unfortunately it does sound like she needs to get with the programme. So tough for her. And he could stop paying for everything at any moment, that is the reality so she does need to make moves to go to work and potentially sell up. Fingers crossed there is plenty of equity in the house. Def get in contact with mortgage company to find out that reality and tell them what's happened so he can't remortgage in any way. And I hope she can calm down and be rational asap. Not saying it's not a massive emotional upheaval for her at all, just that flying off the handle, although understandable, won't help her if it goes on. See if she'll get a good therapist - counselling/psychotherapy, where she can vent - it will help her with showing a bit of dignity to him and the kids etc.

@Newchapterbeckons Well he's not all that bad then!!!
My ex-husband changed the locks to the marital home within hours of me leaving for safety and wouldn't give me anything for our two small boys (no books, clothes or toys - nothing). We literally just had the clothes on our back and 87p in my account. He also tried to take my car using the spare key.
Ask me how much I got in the way of Legal Aid.

Hey op.

Im so sorry to hear your sister is going through this.
I have 3 kids and never married my partner but did so on purpose as I have more money than him and a good pension, he is self employed and has none.
I would advise contacting the council as I believe they might help pay the interest on her mortgage repayment. Both parties have to agree to a sale, he absolutely can push it through the courts but it will take a long time and will not be cost effective for him.
I know they aren’t married and your sister will need to get a job, but the courts may think that until then kids are older, it’s best to keep them in their home, just whilst your sister finds her feet, and help by paying the interest. This very much depends on how much equity is in the home and how much both parties would be left with.
for example, if there is enough for them both to able to buy a property outright or get a small mortgage each, then a selling the house is a viable option.
if there is not enough equity and your sister couldn’t afford a mortgage/rent and bills alone, even with working/in receipt of benefits, then they Might say it’s in the best interest of the kids to stay put and help with the interest, rather than having to provide a council property.

please do an online benefits checker and call citizens advice to confirm what I’ve said it accurate.
She will be heartbroken for a long time but this will pass and she will see that she is lucky to have had 20 years as a stay at home mum, and even luckier that her awful ex has revealed his true colours now, rather than her wasting to rest of her life with an abusive, manipulative scumbag who could do this - not only to the woman who gave him 4 kids but to his actual kids as well.
being a good dad means being respectful to their mother.

I get that. He is a bully and it is really manipulative of him.

I just wanted to clarify if he is still paying, because he is.
Some posters are talking about food banks and him leaving your sister penniless. But he hasn't.

As he is still paying the mortgage,bills, food, petrol etc, until the house sells, your sister could use this to her advantage.

I don't want to come across callous, but for the immediate future, your sister is covered financially. Its not nice for him to hang cutting her off, over her head.

Maybe I'm wrong, but going to Child Maintenance now might not be such a good idea.
At the moment he is paying mortgage,bills, food etc.
If she goes to Child Maintenance now, he could quite easily say "fine, if that's what she wants, that's all I'm going to give her" and stop paying the bills, food etc.
And the Child Maintenance is more than likely going to be a lot less than what he is currently paying.

Something.to maybe consider.

There is no marital estate. That's the problem.

Btw I am not recanting on my previous advice but stability and support are key. Only you know what your sister is like. He will be busy putting his version forward, but there's a big gap between what two people understand and actions compared to the actual results.

If he is paying the mortgage and bills for now she must get a grip. It is horrible. But that is not financial abuse or control legally. It may be very unfair. But she should not get too preoccupied with the wrongs. That can be sorted later. If he wants his money there are just certain things he will have to wait for. Given he can house himself then I would suggest there is some other driver behind all of this

There's been little mention on here of the most important thing of all in this hot mess - how is taking care of the children going to be divided between the parents?

Well given he has blocked her, and she doesn’t know if or when the next instalment is coming we are finding the suggestions helpful just in case. Obviously everyone hopes it won’t come to that.

He is not even here. He is thousand of miles away enjoying some me time with the ow.

How did you manage?

So, hold up for a minute here: the ex-partner hasn't actually cut off finances, but he says continued provision is dependent on your sister co-operating in the house sale?

It doesn't completely take away from him being an arsehole, but it does change things a bit: up until now, I thought he had effectively stopped everything overnight.

If that's the case, then that does buy some time to get set up with UC etc, but fundamentally, your sister does need to ensure the house is sold as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately if he’s checked out apart from what she can claim there’s probably very little she can claim from him.

it is worth looking up coercive control and also contacting your or her local women’s aid. They may be able to put you in contact with pro bono legal help. Once he gets a solicitor then communicate through them. It won’t cost her but it will cost him for every letter received, read, replied to etc. Try to take the upper hand on whatever way is possible. If she is on mortgage and house deeds, an estate agent will want both parties to agree to selling the house before they market it.

Do you think he should pay for her to be a sahm forever, even when the dc are significantly less dependent?
She's not currently 'penniless' is she?

I have no advice that hasn't already been mentioned, but my heart goes out to you, your sister and the family. When I split with XH, I remember how hard that was, but I was bloody lucky (I have a FT job, and was the breadwinner - something he whined about). I was juggling parenting 2 kids and working, so it wasn't a huge shock to me when we split. I fell apart a bit too, and really wanted to hide away from the world, but was able to keep working (kept a sense of routine), and to be honest, splitting was a blessed relief (long story). XH turned awful (things are better now but back then he was like a different person), and OW came out the woodwork. Friends and colleagues were amazing. And reading threads on here really helped me too.

I'm glad you guys have managed to get some sort of a plan together. If your DSis is able to try and get back into a vague routine, that might help her a little. What sort of things would she normally do? Maybe try doing 2-3 small things a day and build up to doing more. Hopefully she starts to get angry - but uses that anger/energy to get stuff on the list done, rather than bombard the OW with messages. Her getting back on her feet would be the best "fuck you" she could give to her XP. Believe me, I wanted to tell OW what I thought of her but held my peace....until she came crying to me when they split. And she needs to assume that her XP is absolutely not on her side, so she needs to be prepared for any of his nonsense. Good luck and much love xx

PS I agree with all on the thread who said that the importance of protecting yourself should be hammered in to girls from a young age.

Of course not, but children need to be fed, clothed and housed.

And yes she is penniless, she has nothing in her account at all. No access to any joint money unless he gives it to her.

Oh it's awful. I remember this. Not knowing whether mortgage would be paid etc. He just went off the rails. Risking both our credit scores etc. And he did cut off his salary quickly after he left. UC and working I paid the mortgage. I was very very skint. Really terrible. How he can sleep at night I don't know. The kids and I managed and quite quickly I did actually say go on then - 50/50. So hard but it meant I could work more and get back to it. And he's a little crap with domestic things so it's hard to watch sometimes. He's a bit of a mess now. It's very sad. He was so cocky and nasty when he left.

He may have bought the flat through his business, put all the payments etc through his business accounts, the flat then being owned by his business but could then be very simply transferred into his personal name too once paid off

But the thread title literally says “penniless”…

In any case it all sounds dreadful for your poor sister and the kids. Well done for stepping in.

I wholeheartedly agree with all of the posters about how women and girls need to be better educated.
I would never trust anyone but myself to ensure my own financial security. It means I am somewhat cynical and never longed for the white wedding/fairytale fiction but it’s how I am raising my daughter too.

It's not just her being a SAHM though is it, who will pay for his children's food, clothes, home, heating, everything.

What's his thoughts on this, turf his family out and what ?

Is he going to install the kids in his flat, or maybe offer them a place with him and the ow.

He's really not thinking about any of them, except himself and this ow.

@Newchapterbeckons We moved in with my parents for a few weeks until I could find a small property to rent. We were given clothes and toys by charities.
I was only working 2 days at the time as my youngest was 3 but I got enough together to put down a deposit. Topped wages up with tax credits.
I couldn't afford any furniture when we first moved in but again a charity donated us a double bed myself and the two kids slept in that for about six months until I'd enough to buy beds. My mum washed our clothes because no money for washing machine.
Ex-husband then took me to court and gained 50/50 custody. So no maintenance due.
No Legal Aid given as was told the abuse couldn't be "evidenced."
A decade on and still in privately rented. His property is worth about 1 mi and is complete with swimming pool.
He now has kids majority but that's another story.

Yes she is living on the edge. He has turned into someone we barely recognise. Threatening her and indirectly the dc. He wants a quick sale and to wash his hands with them.
I am sorry that happened to you as well.

He’s not her husband, there is no marital estate and he has no pension.