Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

"He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills."

There may be all sorts of mitigating circumstances as to why he wanted to leave the partnership but I can't think of one that absolves him from being a decent father in supporting his 4 children through this turmoil.

Just incase it's not been mentioned - child benefit needs to be in the name of the non-working parent as it fills gaps in your NI years for state pension, while the kids are under 18. I'm not sure what the answer is, but have you considered talking to the police about financial abuse? No idea how hard this is to prove but her not having access to the mortgage paperwork etc. is surely not ok. Do you have any money advice charities that may be able to advise ? A quick Google I found Money Advise Matters and Refuge but you may have a local service that can advise on benefits.

They're probably just as "traumatised" by her behaviour as they are by the fact that their parents have split up

I wasn't going to comment on this thread however the above post stated what my first thought was. I have four, now adult children, one with ADHD and two with autism, and I know how any unrest in the household made their difficulties so much worse. I was also wondering who is looking after the child with ADHD who cannot be left, because the OP did state their mother had checked out from looking after them. A sad situation all around but think the school must be made aware so they can support them.

Op I hope you have not been influenced by any of the more pragmatic posters, what's happened to your sister is unbelievably cruel, and this starting a new, fantasic carreer at 50 which is going to make up for the past 30 years is absurd.

From the fact that they were together for so many years and this man never suggested marriage in itself tells you who he is.
There are many women as they age in long relationships that realise a quick service at the town hall can help protect them, I'm sure there must have been some conversation of this during their time together.

Even so, there have not been many splits I have known after so long whereby the male doesn't feel some responsibility towards a long standing partner and his four children, many men on here I'm sure would be disgusted with his behaviour. He's a very cruel partner, regardless of how 'happy' she appeared to be, she had no control, he planned the selling of her flat, totally premeditated, leaving her with nothing.

He has used her, and then abandoned her, this is total humiliation for her, I bet he was seeing this ow when he sold her flat and the fact he's kept up the pretenses till he bolted, and the way in which he bolted and told her whilst being on holiday shows he's a very cruel, conceited and sadistic person.

Please don't be swayed by op's, I think your sister has been abused badly by a covert narcissist, he had you all fooled, including your sister and his children.

The man has no heart, do whatever you need to do to help her survive, she must be very ill with it.

By rights he should fuck off and not force the sale of the house, give her time to set things in place to pay the mortgage and get back on her feet, he can have the flat.
What's the problem with this, his house will be left to HIS children at the end of the day when your sister dies, is it not enough that he's got to start a new life and abandonned them.

I've a feeling there is an ow who is pushing for a sale here, a demanding one, or in his eyes an ow that deserves one.

You mentioned parents, is there anyone who could loan within the family to buy him out, early inheritances etc. Thinking of ways to keep her in the house with the children.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your sister its absolutley disgraceful what hes done to her and their children. Whatever the issues were in their marraige he is a piece of shit human being to treat her with such contempt like this. To be honest with everything you have found out it seems highly more likely he has been having this affair for a while and made his plan to leave her a long time ago once he well and truly had set himself up with the perfect get out for himself. Now hes trying to blame it on her mental health issues...those of which the rest of her family never had a clue about (disregarding her behaviour at the moment). Sounds like complete BS! And how could he do this to his children. No care or thought for them or the mother of his kids. The LEAST he could of done was make sure they are all kept financially secure but he has shown his true colours. The advice from other PPs is really good. Your sister (with your support) needs to get on it and get some real legal advice to see where she stands and reach out to womens aid definitley. As painful as it is she will need to stop contacting both of them and put on the hard hat start making lots of plans to get some security back for them all. Get the CB stopped immediately to him and remain silent. If he wants to know whats going on he can come back and face the music and act like an adult and father! I hope your sister finds her rage soon 🙏

If he wont give her the child benefit then perhaps call the non emergency police. This falls under the definition of domestic abuse, even if he has left her. Some police forces take this very seriously, hopefully hers does take it seriously.
It's going to take a lot of time and effort to unpick all the finances so your sister will need your help.

What he's done is horrible but maybe he had had enough if she hadnt worked for 2 decades,.i cant believe women still dont look after themselves financially, if he had died ahe would still be in this same situation..and you say she was exhausted with 4 kids but one is at uni and the others are older now, most women are exhausted with.kids but still have to work, hubby is being selfish but has also probably thought my wife hasnt worked for 20 years,. Im expected to put 4 kids through uni and pay and he wants a bit of life for himself before he dies....

Copenhagener, I'm really sorry that you went through all that with your Mum. I think your advice is sound; whatever else, OP's sister must try to rally now and put her children first, reassure them and take steps to put things on an even keel, as best she can.

It's a horrendous situation but a fact of life that you can't just give way when you're a parent and the damage you can do to your children is very real - and swift. Too much for a child's brain to cope with and they shouldn't have to.

This would only make what he’s done in that case a million times worse

Why haven't the children called/text their father and said: Dad, we've no food in the house. Mum won't get out of bed. What should we do? Can you help?

I know you want to protect the children to some extent but they're teenagers who mistakenly think their father is wonderful and he has abandoned them with literally no money.

I am a sahm (but married)

I have loved being at home with mine but am nonetheless drumming into my dd’s to always continue working where possible or at least return p/t when dcs are at school.

Mine are older now and it’s very difficult to return to the world of work after being a housewife for a long number of years. You lose confidence and it’s also hard to get your head around throwing a job into the mix when you do everything house/child related. Especially when you know your oh won’t be stepping up to the plate.

Threads like this should be printed off and shown to kids in school. Especially the girls.

Tale old as time!

I have to say I’d be of the mindset of telling the dickhead that he will be having the dcs at least 50/50 as your dsis will be having to return to work of course and needs the time to herself to recover from this trauma. Why the hell should he get to swan off on an endless jolly with his new gf?

See how long the romance lasts with three teens in the mix!

@Newchapterbeckons if her name is on the deeds, he can't put it on the market without her agreement. As part of the split, she could be given rights to stay in the house at least until the kids are adults - it depends on the court and detailed circumstances.

Def CMS application now and benefits check, but she should consider working. It'll take her mind of what's going on and give her sone independence back, but she shouldn't work if it will affect her CMS claim.

Good luck to her, sadly she realised she'd married an AH too late, but it'll get sorted soon and she will be free of that millstone.

I’d just say a word of warning re going to the CMS. I’d normally always say to do this but he’s self employed and many hide their income so the amount they pay is peanuts. If he’s offered a decent ish amount for the kids I’d probably take it as he’s going to likely get pretty annoyed if she goes to the CMS and stop paying and hide his money. Literally happens all the time in the single parent groups I’m in.

Also all very well advising OP she could go to court for chance to stay in the property until youngest is 18, but OP has no money for lawyers and also can she afford the repayment as to do this she would need to show she can afford it.

Finally the civil service is a good place for returning to work after breaks, maybe she could use some of the volunteer work as examples for interview or when she’s feeling a bit stronger get back out and do more recent charity work so she can use this in job interviews. We recently employed a 72yr old in my dept so 49 is still a spring chicken with 20yrs working life to go and she could build up a decent pension in the civil service in that time. She needs something like that where the employer contribution is high. I’d be happy to help with application when the time is right for her. Drop me a message anytime. Wishing her lots of luck, he’s such an arsehole. You’re such a great sister and I’m sure things will get better for her in time.

It shows to me that he has been abusing her for quite some years.

@Newchapterbeckons - I take back my comment about your sister “pottering around” - it was based on certain of your earlier posts and I can see it was a wrong assessment of the position.

Fabulous advice on this thread about moving forward and it sounds like having you there is already having a calming effect on your sister.

I took it as the money didn't go against the joint property though, and he just bought another flat for himself in his own name with it?

@Newchapterbeckons can you clarify?

if she put funds in the house and he has removed them without her knowledge then this is fraud and she needs to go to the police.

See, this is what I'm thinking.

As a grandmother, I can't believe his mother doesn’t want to help his children, he has left them all penniless, not just their mum. It's a frightening situation for your poor sister, thank goodness she has you.

I would not exclude the idea that he is quite deliberately racking up pressure on your sister and I'd say if she breaks then all the better financially for him. She may think this is bad but it can get worse.

You sound like a great sister. She needs stabilizing and support because this is the start of a tough process not an end. She will need to see that for herself because she is going to need a lot of resilience to her through it

Not sure if this has been mentioned

f she put funds in the house and he has removed them without her knowledge then this is fraud and she needs to go to the police.

He probably paid a chunk of the mortage off on their home, this meant his monthly payment reduced.

Rather than saving that extra for them, he saved it for himself and bought the flat, his self employed wages will also have gone to buy the flat. Maybe he deals in cash a lot, could divert all his wages from his buisness to buy hidden proporties.

So many ways a self employed person can hide his wealth and financially abuse a woman.

It is incredibly hard to prove financial abuse as it's often a case of "He said/she said." Example: "He took x money from me" vs "She freely gave it to me."

It was this from the OP that made me think this but I may have misunderstood.

The proceeds of her own flat went into the house, but she hasn’t made any mortgage payments?It seems once her flat proceeds were used, he reduced the payments or moved money from elsewhere and bought another property in just his name.

I'm.not sure if @Newchapterbeckons is coming back.

Plus I don't want to come across as I'm.takimg the DP side- I think he is a disgusting person.

But, in the Op it says
He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills.

This implies he is currently still paying the mortgage, bills, food and petrol. Just threatening to stop it if she blocks the sale of the house. (Which is very manipulative)

So the ops sister isn't currently penniless.
She has money for food, bills etc.

I may have misunderstood the op, and whilst he is a prick, it doesn't seem he has left them destitute. I could be wrong though

Yes that is exactly what happened. She put the money into their family home, as she thought they were struggling. He paid the bare minimum on the mortgage for years. Despite earning very well I suspect. It looks like he used the money then to buy the fist purely in his name, so she couldn’t make a claim on it. It’s really awful, as if she had kept her place she would be in a much stronger position now.

I’ve just read through the thread and have a random collection of thoughts which I wanted to post starting with the fact that what is gone is gone, there is no point in posters here criticizing the past. The OP, her sister and the children need help moving forwards.

OP, you are amazing. Please keep looking after yourself. Put on your own oxygen mask first. This situation, together with having frail parents, having a job, plus the rest your own life to get on with is masses to be coping with.

There was mention of petrol bills many pages back. Who owns the car? If it’s in your sister’s name, does she really need it? Can it be sold? Keeping a car going on benefits is a challenge. If the money sums work out cheaper, is there a local car club/sharing scheme she could join for essential travel as an alternative?

I know someone a couple of years ago who had had to go on UC then had a breakdown (unrelated to a relationship). They got repeated fit notes from a supportive GP who kept in regular contact just for a quick chat/check-in. UC also kept going with regular but far less-frequent check-in appointments but took the pressure off job-hunting for many months while the person was recovering. As they got better, UC supported them in just doing voluntary work in an area of work they wanted to pursue as a paid job to build their confidence, and then offered courses to help them get ready for work.

Assuming he still has keys to the house, while the ex is still away can you organise somewhere that paperwork, the laptop and anything else related to sorting out the separation and finances can be hidden and locked away. If he knew any passwords for your sister’s phone, emails, laptop, finances separate from his, then get them changed now. If she leaves the house, evidence like this needs to be left secure and away from him should he turn up while she's gone.

Also, can you get the 19 yr old to talk to their personal tutor, or student counselling services about what is happening, even if they don’t feel like they need emotional support right now? If their ability to cope changes or if they find that they aren’t keeping up with their studies or meeting deadlines later on, proof this has been going on for a while may help with extra support or extensions, or even if they need to take a year out (hopefully not).

Given that the other children are all teens, they will all be at different stages in the trajectory leading to exams on top of all the usual hormonal teenage stuff, plus the ADHD for the youngest. Regular check-ins by all the adults, mum included, and some sort of stable and predictable background to their lives is a priority, but I’m sure you’re thinking about that.