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Original poster

Affair and left penniless

1000 replies

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 08:56

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Original poster
Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 21:01

minou123 · 27/02/2024 20:58

I'm.not sure if @Newchapterbeckons is coming back.

Plus I don't want to come across as I'm.takimg the DP side- I think he is a disgusting person.

But, in the Op it says
He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills.

This implies he is currently still paying the mortgage, bills, food and petrol. Just threatening to stop it if she blocks the sale of the house. (Which is very manipulative)

So the ops sister isn't currently penniless.
She has money for food, bills etc.

I may have misunderstood the op, and whilst he is a prick, it doesn't seem he has left them destitute. I could be wrong though

Yes he hasn’t cut her off yet, he is just threatening to if she doesn’t tidy the house and accommodate the viewings he is lining up ; and stop crying and making it all so difficult for him. It’s bullying and awful.

OP posts:
KingofDays · 27/02/2024 21:01

*I would not exclude the idea that he is quite deliberately racking up
pressure on your sister and I'd say if she breaks then all the better
financially for him. She may think this is bad but it can get worse. *

This is important....

He will try to erradicate your sister's support, she will become, or has become unstable, he needs to get you and her family back on side, that includes, her GP, the police, the children, anyone who could help her to regain strength.

This one's a nasty bastard, ring fence her from his abuse and shut him down, do not discuss anything with him, he really isn't to be trusted.
*Leave that to any solicitor, she needs to apply for legal aid through WA.
*

StarlightLime · 27/02/2024 21:03

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 20:59

Yes that is exactly what happened. She put the money into their family home, as she thought they were struggling. He paid the bare minimum on the mortgage for years. Despite earning very well I suspect. It looks like he used the money then to buy the fist purely in his name, so she couldn’t make a claim on it. It’s really awful, as if she had kept her place she would be in a much stronger position now.

Show quote history

He paid the bare minimum on the mortgage for years
This is what the vast majority of people do...

Alwayslookonthebrightside1 · 27/02/2024 21:03

I’m not sure if anyone else has mentioned this before but if your sister is in a situation where there is zero in the bank then make sure you know the process for getting a food bank referral so she can at least keep everyone fed whilst waiting for job seekers allowance etc

LorlieS · 27/02/2024 21:03

I found WA absolutely useless. Because my abuse hasn't been physical (so couldn't evidence) I was told no Legal Aid.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 27/02/2024 21:03

The cunt of a husband's pension is also an asset in the marital estate. She needs to lawyer up.

But, right now, you need to get your sister to a GP.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 27/02/2024 21:04

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 20:59

Yes that is exactly what happened. She put the money into their family home, as she thought they were struggling. He paid the bare minimum on the mortgage for years. Despite earning very well I suspect. It looks like he used the money then to buy the fist purely in his name, so she couldn’t make a claim on it. It’s really awful, as if she had kept her place she would be in a much stronger position now.

Show quote history

Ah, so he did pay off a big chunk of the joint mortgage, and their mortgage repayments became very small because of it.

He then paid the small mortgage payments, and this enabled him to use his now, much higher leftover salary each month to buy and pay off in full, a flat in his own name.

All the time telling your sister they were struggling.

What a complete bastard.

LorlieS · 27/02/2024 21:05

@Nothavingfunrightnow I think you've made a typo, but I agree with the sentiment!!! 😆
Actually, no I don't think you meant "cut"!!!

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 27/02/2024 21:06

Hang on though.

If she can prove she's put an extra (say) £100k into the house, doesn't she get that back on sale? Or has he paid off pretty much identical amount through mortgage payments?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 27/02/2024 21:06

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 21:01

Yes he hasn’t cut her off yet, he is just threatening to if she doesn’t tidy the house and accommodate the viewings he is lining up ; and stop crying and making it all so difficult for him. It’s bullying and awful.

Show quote history

So she's not destitute and starving? He's still fully funding her being a sahm for teenagers?
She could get a job, get uc and move on and away from being dependent on him?

minou123 · 27/02/2024 21:07

Nothavingfunrightnow · 27/02/2024 21:03

The cunt of a husband's pension is also an asset in the marital estate. She needs to lawyer up.

But, right now, you need to get your sister to a GP.

They are not married.

LorlieS · 27/02/2024 21:08

@Newchapterbeckons What do you mean by "He hasn't cut her off yet"?

Original poster
Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 21:08

StarlightLime · 27/02/2024 21:03

He paid the bare minimum on the mortgage for years
This is what the vast majority of people do...

Show quote history

She thought he was paying back the mortgage properly but it looks like he has been just repaying the interest only and squirrelling away the difference. I don’t know how he has managed to buy a flat. Either way he has been earning far more than he said, and hasn’t been honest.

OP posts:
Londonrach1 · 27/02/2024 21:08

Can't help op but you sound amazing sister and very supportive. Your sister is going to have to help herself though which might be hard...she will need to sort out benefits sooner rather than later and possibly look at getting some work. I know she heart broken but she three children that need her and amazing sister who very worried about her x

bombastix · 27/02/2024 21:08

As a first step she needs to stop texting the OW and her ex.

Sabotaging house viewings is nonsense. She needs to focus on immediate needs. Her needs.

Your sister needs to see the GP asap. More stability. Not revenge planning. A bad sign as is texting OW etc.

You don't know what ex's intentions are and given the age of the children you may find he's happier to engage with them and be the stable parent. A lot of this is very cruel and probably calculated to drive your sister into a frenzy. This is how it gets worse for her when the kids start getting worried and want dad instead. Sorry to frighten you but this happens too. He will easily be in a better position to care for them if he chooses.

Original poster
Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 21:09

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 27/02/2024 21:06

Hang on though.

If she can prove she's put an extra (say) £100k into the house, doesn't she get that back on sale? Or has he paid off pretty much identical amount through mortgage payments?

No, because it’s paid into a joint asset.

OP posts:
Patrickiscrazy · 27/02/2024 21:10

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 27/02/2024 21:04

Ah, so he did pay off a big chunk of the joint mortgage, and their mortgage repayments became very small because of it.

He then paid the small mortgage payments, and this enabled him to use his now, much higher leftover salary each month to buy and pay off in full, a flat in his own name.

All the time telling your sister they were struggling.

What a complete bastard.

Show quote history

Complete bastard doesn't cover it the slightest.
I have read the whole FT (sorry), couldn't really come up with worthwhile advice, mostly speechless.
As much as I despise this man (all of them, really), and as much as this is not helpful,
how could this poor lady let herself into such situation at first place??!
Hopefully she will come out in the other side.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 27/02/2024 21:10

LorlieS · 27/02/2024 21:08

@Newchapterbeckons What do you mean by "He hasn't cut her off yet"?

He's still paying all the bills, mortgage, food shopping it seems?

CJsGoldfish · 27/02/2024 21:11

We are going to take the cat and Guinea pig home, as I don’t want her to worry about them atm This is so bizarre. If she's not worrying about her kids, and clearly she isn't, why would she worry about the pets?
And why wouldn't the children look after them?

she WAS completely fine before this bombshell
Was she though? This kind of extreme reaction makes me wonder. In fact, there is a lot that indicates that you probably have no idea what the marriage was like 🤷‍♀️

He was such a decent man we had all known for years, from a lovely family and we all trusted him, loved him as part of our family. It’s quite unimaginable he has done this to her, but he has, he has been planning his exit for years I think

He was a very good father, they were a very close family
Until he wasn't? And now you think he's been planning his exit for years?
Perhaps he hasn't done anything 'to her'. Perhaps there is far more to this than a passive wife and a cheating DH? 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 21:11

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 27/02/2024 21:10

He's still paying all the bills, mortgage, food shopping it seems?

Show quote history

For now, yes.

OP posts:
WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 27/02/2024 21:11

Newchapterbeckons · 27/02/2024 21:09

No, because it’s paid into a joint asset.

Show quote history

Are you absolutely sure on that?

Any lawyers able to advise?

Drench · 27/02/2024 21:11

Hi, this is all awful - earlier you mentioned he came from a good family? Are your sisters in laws still alive? Could they help?

Hurryuphumphreygeorgeiswaiting · 27/02/2024 21:12

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your dsis OP. She is very lucky to have you. I am raging on your behalf. I hope she will finally get the strength to start fighting back. It is absolutely shocking what is happening and for your dsis partner to be so dishonest and planing his exit for a while. Just awful and she will be so much better away from this piece of work. I hope things will get sorted financially and come out the otherside stronger.

Vgbeat · 27/02/2024 21:12

I'm not sure if it's been mentioned but it does sound like he was undertaking financial coercive control which does cover things like not allowing someone to work and is a criminal offence. I would report him to the police if nothing else it may put the gear of God in him to come to a civil arrangement

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