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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go? Would this annoy you?

274 replies

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:30

I'll try and keep it brief...!

I have a good friend who has a wedding coming up. We have been friends for many years, close with each others children etc..

There has been a holiday planned with a number of people for 1 week as a joint hen and stag do. I have been invited. Bride and groom aren't big drinkers so I don't doubt that it won't be a big boozing holiday and I'm sure will be lovely.

However, I don't personally really get these types of holidays, they just aren't for me. I don't like going and being with people I may not know very well and also leaving my children behind etc. I'd rather just go away with DH and the kids.

So I have just said sorry, but it's not my cup of tea, hope she has a lovely time etc... Will do something nice together another time.

AIBU? There is a person involved in the planning who seems quite annoyed by this and me not "putting myself out" for a friends big do.

Is it really a requirement of friendship to do something you really don't like the idea of for them? One evening for a party or one night away yes of course but I find that quite different to being asked to pay hundreds of pounds and spend a week away from your children.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 28/02/2024 13:09

What's next, a world tour and a sabbatical from work?

Absolutely this.

LindaDawn · 28/02/2024 13:16

I wouldn’t want to go away for a week too. Whatever happened to the ‘down the local pub for a drink and a meal’. Definitely not my cup of tea. Great that you were able to be honest.

ruffler45 · 28/02/2024 13:29

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:43

Yes the planner is quite miffed at me!

Oh dear, how sad, never mind, move on with life.

HollyKnight · 28/02/2024 13:40

There is no right or wrong in situations like this. You feel how you feel. If others are disappointed, then that's ok too. They feel how they feel.

Isreal · 28/02/2024 13:44

I would not go either.
a whole week away from yout family, never mind the expense.
i bet the person organising is single with no commitments.
if I was the bride I would not be unhappy with your decision, I would understand you have family and commitments to them.
zero guilt x

MeadowMouse · 28/02/2024 13:47

YANBU. I'm sure it will be fun for those who can and want to go, but traditionally hen dos are just one night for a reason . Make sure you tell the organizers and bride you are thankful for the invitation; you could even give a little money as a gift to the bride to spend there, but really a sincere thank you is all that is required.

Sallyh87 · 28/02/2024 14:05

Nope, I wouldn’t do it. A night out or even an overnight I would but a whole week, not a hope. When I was younger, before kids that’s different but not now.

Doteycat · 28/02/2024 14:21

ranchdressing · 28/02/2024 09:21

I actually disagree with a lot of comments here OP and think yes a hen do is something you do for the bride. It's not just a group holiday you opt in or out of because you like the idea of it or not, it's organised to suit what the bride wants (and groom in this case). You're invited to be part of her hen party (an important part of her wedding experience) and saying no just because you don't fancy it is quite a big deal.

There are people on mumsnet who think a wedding should just be a registry office and a few sandwiches, but I would never ever miss a friends hen if I could afford it just because i didnt like the activity.

Show quote history

@ranchdressing
Yea, youre wrong though.
Its rediculous and not a chance would I be going.

Isitautumnyet23 · 28/02/2024 14:35

PremiumVersion · 28/02/2024 12:47

Not my cup of tea" sounds a little like you don't like these people enough to hang out with them for a week

I am sociable and have lots of great friends who I love. But the only people I want to hang out with for a whole week are my husband and kids (most of the time).

Show quote history

Same! Holidays are our time, I definately wouldn’t enjoy it as much with other families and wouldn’t feel it was proper family time (and would need an actual family holiday that year aswell).

ranchdressing · 28/02/2024 14:36

@Doteycat I'm not 'wrong'. Me and my husband have done things like this many times - big birthdays or hen dos away, for up to a week, and we love it and have never felt like it was an unreasonable ask - there's always compromise for friends. I know not everyone will or can, but wanted to counter the general consensus as OP clearly wanted to hear both sides.

Catpuss66 · 28/02/2024 14:52

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2024 16:25

You should go op , you might enjoy it!! Take some time out of being a wife and mum! @TurnOfTheBrew

She might like being a wife & mum

Doteycat · 28/02/2024 15:06

ranchdressing · 28/02/2024 14:36

@Doteycat I'm not 'wrong'. Me and my husband have done things like this many times - big birthdays or hen dos away, for up to a week, and we love it and have never felt like it was an unreasonable ask - there's always compromise for friends. I know not everyone will or can, but wanted to counter the general consensus as OP clearly wanted to hear both sides.

You are wrong.
NOT going because you dont want to is not a "big deal" , its a good enough reason.
If you wanted to go, marvellous, knock yourself out, but telling someone else what to want or not want, well you are plain ole wrong.
No ones wedding is a big deal to anyone except family, and anyone who thinks it is is delusional really

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 28/02/2024 15:07

ranchdressing · 28/02/2024 14:36

@Doteycat I'm not 'wrong'. Me and my husband have done things like this many times - big birthdays or hen dos away, for up to a week, and we love it and have never felt like it was an unreasonable ask - there's always compromise for friends. I know not everyone will or can, but wanted to counter the general consensus as OP clearly wanted to hear both sides.

You were wrong though. Your post was basically saying that the OP had no right to refuse to go, simply because it was a hen do. That any requests to attend a hen do must be greeted with acquiescence (no matter how lengthy, elaborate or expensive the plans!) for the sole reason that it's connected with a wedding.

The fact that you would go on the trip is completely irrelevant. That's entirely your choice. But you have no business saying to someone else that "it's not just a group holiday you opt in or out of because you like the idea of it or not.... saying no just because you don't fancy it is quite a big deal".

Stressedoutmammy · 28/02/2024 15:11

This is ridiculously OTT, I wouldn’t want to go either and I would have no issue saying no in just the same way you have.

wronginalltherightways · 28/02/2024 16:09

fourelementary · 26/02/2024 14:31

It’s totally fine to prioritise money and holiday entitlement for your family… YANBU

1st response nails it. It really is this simple.

zingally · 28/02/2024 16:11

That sort of holiday is all well and good in your 20s, when you're young and fancy free.
But it's unreasonable to expect people to go away without their kids.

What about the couples own kids? Are they going?

KreedKafer · 28/02/2024 16:13

It's absolutely mad for a couple to expect all their friends to commit to a week-long holiday just because they happen to getting married. I love my friends dearly but I would not give up a week's annual leave and spend a week's holiday budget on a trip like that. Group holidays aren't my thing at all anyway, but even if I actually thought it sounded fun, it would still mean I then wouldn't be able to have a week's holiday with my own partner/family and with the best will in the world, someone's pre-wedding jollies are never going to be something I'd prioritise over my private family holiday.

If it was something I thought I'd enjoy and I had the time and money to have a week away without sacrificing anything else, then great, I'd be happy to go. But I wouldn't spend a week's annual leave and the price of a holiday on something I a) wouldn't enjoy and b) would have to do instead of something that was more important.

Magicmama92 · 28/02/2024 16:37

Personally I don't think anyone should expect people to be able to go abroad for hendos and weddings.. people can't afford it. People have kids and work and some hate flying.
If they choose to do that they should do so with this in mind so if people say no they understand it's not personal.
I wouldn't be going because I'd prefer the money to go on my own family and i have a child I can't just go off.

Lolabear38 · 28/02/2024 16:56

YANBU. The last couple of years I’ve been invited to more and more lavish celebrations as friends have started turning 40. It used to be a nice meal/ party was enough, get a nice new outfit and a babysitter. Then it started to become an overnight stay at a spa which was also fine by me (for close friends). Then it became a weekend, and the most recent one I’ve been invited to is 5 nights in a city a 6 hour flight away from me! Flights, hotels, and it’s also been suggested that we might all like to ‘chip in’ for the birthday girl’s accommodation too. Honestly it’s becoming utterly insane. I’ve said no to most of these more extra ones, and I’ve had to accept that some people might not be happy about it but there you are (including the organizer of the 5 night trip who messaged me to ask if I understood that by not going I would be making it more expensive for everyone else!). I have a husband and young children and I’d be far happier spending that time and money going away somewhere with them than a group where you don’t know everyone and have to compromise what you want to do to ‘fit in’ with what everyone else wants.

Coffeeismyfriend1 · 28/02/2024 17:20

If you work and your kids are school age I’d just say ‘sorry I can’t afford a week of AL for this, I need to use it to cover kids school holidays etc’

It is also the assumption by the organiser that your DH can pick everything up with the DC’s that week, when I go away for work (which is usually only twice a year) DH has to take AL to cover it or we have to draft in Grandparents as his nursing shifts mean he can drop kids as school/childminder (by design) but can’t pick them up. He work late shift so he can to them off and I finish in time to pick them up.

buzzlightyearsaway · 28/02/2024 17:47

Well done for being honest and not giving a silly excuse that isnt true

I would have loved this in my 20s but not now i have a family and other ties

StarlightLime · 28/02/2024 17:56

buzzlightyearsaway · 28/02/2024 17:47

Well done for being honest and not giving a silly excuse that isnt true

I would have loved this in my 20s but not now i have a family and other ties

Yes. The amount of posters advocating for lying to spare these people's feelings is quite something.

Eskimal · 28/02/2024 17:59

I get your POV.
why not go for 2 days and 1 night?

RainbowNinja77 · 28/02/2024 18:18

We have paid for kids to go on quite expensive school trips over the last few years - then gone camping in the rain ourselves. There’s no way I’m talking just me on an expensive hen do - it is not reasonable to expect other people to pay money, ever.

Harls1969 · 28/02/2024 18:33

You don't have to do anything that you won't enjoy (especially if it costs you money) to please other people. Real friends understand that everyone enjoys different things and won't try to pressure their friends into doing something they'd hate.