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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go? Would this annoy you?

274 replies

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:30

I'll try and keep it brief...!

I have a good friend who has a wedding coming up. We have been friends for many years, close with each others children etc..

There has been a holiday planned with a number of people for 1 week as a joint hen and stag do. I have been invited. Bride and groom aren't big drinkers so I don't doubt that it won't be a big boozing holiday and I'm sure will be lovely.

However, I don't personally really get these types of holidays, they just aren't for me. I don't like going and being with people I may not know very well and also leaving my children behind etc. I'd rather just go away with DH and the kids.

So I have just said sorry, but it's not my cup of tea, hope she has a lovely time etc... Will do something nice together another time.

AIBU? There is a person involved in the planning who seems quite annoyed by this and me not "putting myself out" for a friends big do.

Is it really a requirement of friendship to do something you really don't like the idea of for them? One evening for a party or one night away yes of course but I find that quite different to being asked to pay hundreds of pounds and spend a week away from your children.

OP posts:
Isitautumnyet23 · 28/02/2024 11:22

ranchdressing · 28/02/2024 09:21

I actually disagree with a lot of comments here OP and think yes a hen do is something you do for the bride. It's not just a group holiday you opt in or out of because you like the idea of it or not, it's organised to suit what the bride wants (and groom in this case). You're invited to be part of her hen party (an important part of her wedding experience) and saying no just because you don't fancy it is quite a big deal.

There are people on mumsnet who think a wedding should just be a registry office and a few sandwiches, but I would never ever miss a friends hen if I could afford it just because i didnt like the activity.

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I had a big (expensive) Wedding but there was absolutely no way I would have asked my friends to fork out on a holiday abroad. I had a brilliant night out for my Hen Do, everyone was at the stage of mortgages, babies/toddlers and there is no way I would have asked them to choose my Hen Do over their own family plans. Its got ridiculous.

A Hen and Stag Do was always a night out to jokingly celebrate ‘last bit of freedom’. When I got married, they were becoming abit bigger - afternoon teas, spa days, weekends away. Now its turned into week long holidays. Seriously, some brides needs to get a grip and think of what their guests actually want and other peoples family budgets.

NImumconfused · 28/02/2024 11:22

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Parents generally already struggle with having enough annual leave to cover school holidays etc, very few could afford to waste a week of it on something they wouldn't even enjoy.

And as someone else said, what if more than one friend is getting married - the year we got married we had four other weddings to go to, all of people close enough that we went to the stag/hen, which were a day or a weekend at most. If they'd all been a week we wouldn't have had leave left to cover our own wedding and honeymoon!

It's selfish to expect people to put themselves out so much for your "special day", although in this case at least it doesn't sound like the bride is kicking up a fuss. Just ignore the MOH, OP, it's none of her business why you're not going.

eb949013 · 28/02/2024 11:27

I think it's better you've made that decision now and you not go rather than put yourself in an uncomfortable situation where you have to fake being happy and enjoying it for the sake of the bride and groom.

ChampagneLassie · 28/02/2024 11:30

I think you’re totally fine. When I’ve organised hens and other things many people don’t come even when it should be easy for them I.e it’s virtually on their doorstep and they’ll say they can’t get childcare or it’s a child’s football match or whatever. Perhaps it would have softened the message if you’d said you couldn’t leave your kids for so long rather than you just don’t want to go. Have you spoke to the bride? I’m skipping a hen do and wedding of a very close friend this summer as logistically I just can’t face either and bride was totally fine with that, understands that choosing to do things that involve time and travel means some won’t make it.

libbylane · 28/02/2024 11:39

YANBU @TurnOfTheBrew I would feel the same.

I've never understood why people think their big day is everyone else's in terms of importance and financial commitment. A week away is a huge ask - annual leave, expense, family at home etc.

theihatemariusfanclub · 28/02/2024 11:45

I feel like this about hen weekends, let alone hen holidays!!

splatmouse · 28/02/2024 11:53

ranchdressing · 28/02/2024 09:21

I actually disagree with a lot of comments here OP and think yes a hen do is something you do for the bride. It's not just a group holiday you opt in or out of because you like the idea of it or not, it's organised to suit what the bride wants (and groom in this case). You're invited to be part of her hen party (an important part of her wedding experience) and saying no just because you don't fancy it is quite a big deal.

There are people on mumsnet who think a wedding should just be a registry office and a few sandwiches, but I would never ever miss a friends hen if I could afford it just because i didnt like the activity.

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Also massively disagree here. What if the bride was a rugged, sportsy type and always wanted to do To Hell And Back or Tough Mudder with a big group of people (TM is definitely better as a group) so for her hen do she wants 11 of her nearest and dearest to participate with her?

Would you (all) be obligated to do so because she's the bride and it's what she wants? Or would it be okay to say "not my cup of tea" "thanks but no thanks" "have fun, but I won't be joining you"?

LuluBlakey1 · 28/02/2024 12:00

Can't imagine much I'd like to do less.

Flowersandforests · 28/02/2024 12:00

I agree with @ranchdressing - relationships and friendships have to have an element of compromise otherwise it doesn’t work.

I don’t drink and would never choose to go to a bar and spend the evening outside shivering while everyone gets drunk but I can’t dictate how the whole friendship group socialises

Pipsquiggle · 28/02/2024 12:06

Are all the other people attending the holiday hen any / all of the following:
Young?
Partner Free?
Childless?
Doesn't have a job?
Has oodles of disposable income?

If so, they will probably find it difficult to understand OP's commitments.

As a bridesmaid, I think it's important to attend some sort of hen, however, if a bride wants her hen to be over 2+ nights away, abroad and cost 100s of ££££, they have to expect some people will not be able to attend. 'Compulsory Attendance' for any wedding / hen abroad is just nuts.

Take the bride somewhere local, a smaller affair. Go for afternoon tea or something like that - It will be lovely

Begsthequestion · 28/02/2024 12:07

Who are these egomaniacs that expect a week long celebration of the fact they're in a serious relationship?

Fine if you want to congratulate yourself for a whole week, but I can't imagine having the gall to expect other people to join in with it.

catzrulz · 28/02/2024 12:07

It's an invitation, not a court summons.
I never understand people who go to events they don't want to.

Pipsquiggle · 28/02/2024 12:22

ranchdressing · 28/02/2024 09:21

I actually disagree with a lot of comments here OP and think yes a hen do is something you do for the bride. It's not just a group holiday you opt in or out of because you like the idea of it or not, it's organised to suit what the bride wants (and groom in this case). You're invited to be part of her hen party (an important part of her wedding experience) and saying no just because you don't fancy it is quite a big deal.

There are people on mumsnet who think a wedding should just be a registry office and a few sandwiches, but I would never ever miss a friends hen if I could afford it just because i didnt like the activity.

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@ranchdressing
Completely disagree with you.
The bride and groom can do exactly what they like for their hen / stag, however, forcing close family & friends to spend 100s of ££££ and stay more than a night or 2 away is just ridiculous, tone deaf and massively presumptive.

Why would a bride and groom presume that a week's holiday with them usurps a week's holiday with your actual family - they are delusional.

By the sounds of it, it's not actually the bride / groom being arsey, it's another person. The bride might be totally fine with OP's non-attendance

HMW1906 · 28/02/2024 12:27

if it wasn’t my kind of thing I’d probably push myself to go if it was just a weekend but a full week seems a bit excessive.

I do enjoy these kinds of things but I think I’d even be giving it a miss if it was a full week event (mainly because I wouldn’t want to leave my kids for that long and have to rely on the extra childcare we’d need to cover me being away for that long, a weekend would be more practical).

I have been to a full week hen party abroad before but it was a long time ago when we were all in our mid/late 20s and no one had kids yet. We had a great time but it’s definitely not something we would do now.

ranchdressing · 28/02/2024 12:30

Pipsquiggle · 28/02/2024 12:22

@ranchdressing
Completely disagree with you.
The bride and groom can do exactly what they like for their hen / stag, however, forcing close family & friends to spend 100s of ££££ and stay more than a night or 2 away is just ridiculous, tone deaf and massively presumptive.

Why would a bride and groom presume that a week's holiday with them usurps a week's holiday with your actual family - they are delusional.

By the sounds of it, it's not actually the bride / groom being arsey, it's another person. The bride might be totally fine with OP's non-attendance

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It's nuanced I think - the OP said it wouldnt affect her ability (financially or otherwise) to go away with her family, just that it's her preference. So assume the bride and organisers are aware and the group in general are more financially comfortable, so its not completely unreasonable from a cost perspective.

WaltzingWaters · 28/02/2024 12:31

Dotdashdottinghell · 26/02/2024 14:32

That sort of thing is probably fun in your early 20s, but once there's a family to consider it's just very self indulgent to think people will want to give a weeks leave and a load of money to go on your hen do. Absolutely fine to stay no.

Absolutely this. Before I had my child I’d have been very up for this. Now I have a toddler and bills to pay and limited AL I’ve had to turn down a trip for a hen do I’d have loved to do, but it’s just not practical and would involve leaving my 2 yo for over a week, and spending loads out. Priorities change and people should understand that, if they don’t, maybe it’s time to take a step back from that friendship anyway.

Zimunya · 28/02/2024 12:31

Dotdashdottinghell · 26/02/2024 14:32

That sort of thing is probably fun in your early 20s, but once there's a family to consider it's just very self indulgent to think people will want to give a weeks leave and a load of money to go on your hen do. Absolutely fine to stay no.

Nailed it. "Self-indulgent" is the apt phrase here.

BlueGrey1 · 28/02/2024 12:39

A week long hen/ stag party…..forget about it!…..definitely wouldn’t be spending a week of my precious annual leave doing that, not to mind the expense

I think it’s completely unreasonable to ask people to do that

If you wanted to you could consider going for 2 nights to join them

I really think organising hen / stags abroad is too much, very few people want to go on them…..1 evening or day out in a restaurant / club / whatever is enough!

burnoutbabe · 28/02/2024 12:42

it would be different if this was a wedding abroad, that you AND husband were invited to, so you could attend the wedding together, with the kids (assuming not in school)

but a mixed sex party but without your husband? nope! (as not even an "old uni friends" type group)

i'd have no desire to go on this sort of event. i did attend a mates 60th in Vegas, most peiple went single (as they were mostly single) but me and another friend took our partners as that made it a nicer trip for us (partners knew the birthday girl).

PremiumVersion · 28/02/2024 12:47

gannett · 27/02/2024 13:45

"Not my cup of tea" sounds a little like you don't like these people enough to hang out with them for a week. Being honest, I find people who have obviously decided their old friends aren't worth spending time with now they have children to be rather tedious, and it's disappointing to find the friendship never meant much to them.

However you can obviously decline for any reason you want, even if different wording might have been more tactful; and it's much more unreasonable on the planner's part to show any sign of being miffed. A week's holiday together was never going to be a plan that worked for everyone because it's such a big commitment - even for people who aren't parents.

I'd happily do this sort of thing with my old friends though with a few caveats (accommodation, type of activities, who else is going) so I'd be checking the details first.

Not my cup of tea" sounds a little like you don't like these people enough to hang out with them for a week

I am sociable and have lots of great friends who I love. But the only people I want to hang out with for a whole week are my husband and kids (most of the time).

hottchocolate · 28/02/2024 12:49

My first thought is no you don't have to go. For a night out or a meal it would be nice to make an effort but a holiday is a big commitment and not everyone had the time and money for that especially if you have children.

my other thought is if it's a joint do can you take your partner and children with you although this would be more expensive but maybe they'd rather you were there than not

PuppyMonkey · 28/02/2024 12:52

As you’re a bridesmaid, it would probably have been better for you to be much more involved in the discussion before the week-long extravaganza was even planned tbf.
I think under the circumstances, I’d have come up with a slightly less brutal excuse than your “not my cup of tea” line. A nice vague “can’t make it that week” would have been more friendly?!Grin

FirstTimeMum897 · 28/02/2024 12:57

A WEEK??? That's great if you're all early 20s with no responsibilities.

There is no way I would use a quarter of my annual leave away from my family with random people I didn't even choose. The organiser's expectations are ridiculous.

FirstTimeMum897 · 28/02/2024 13:00

I would however have said I have family responsibilities and can't be away that long even though it sounds great, or along those lines. Even if people are ridiculous, you need to be tactful as you'll be spending a lot of time with them at the wedding. Getting their back up with "it's not my cup of tea" is not the best approach.

Pipsquiggle · 28/02/2024 13:09

ranchdressing · 28/02/2024 12:30

It's nuanced I think - the OP said it wouldnt affect her ability (financially or otherwise) to go away with her family, just that it's her preference. So assume the bride and organisers are aware and the group in general are more financially comfortable, so its not completely unreasonable from a cost perspective.

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@ranchdressing
No. It really isn't nuanced.
It's the duration of the stay that is the issue.
I think most people will 'put up' with a weekend away for a hen do for a close mate. Anything longer is just taking the piss as it encroaches on their regular life.

Asking people to give up a week of their life at their own expense when they have other (more important) stuff going on is just completely thoughtless.

By the sounds of it, it's the organiser who is losing their shit at OP. I bet it's because they were banking on her to attend and now the numbers don't work.